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41 Public Reviews Given
44 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Plot: Good job. I liked your plot. It was a very interesting story to read. You could definitely expand this to create a more complete story. Especially the part about the space witches seemed rushed. I basically understood that a space witch was a bad witch, and they can cast spells. I was also disappointed at the end. I wish you had taken the time to explain where Justic found the gold strings this last time. You had me in suspense there for a moment. Overall it came together and made sense. You got something here.

Characterization: Your characterization was ok. You did the best job on the witch, because you emphasized that she like "Out of this World's" music, especially because it was loud. You did a good job emphasizing that their music was loud music. It gave me as a reader something to hang on to.

Dialogue: The dialogue is probably the best part of this story. It seems real, and things are moving.

Setting: This is one of the weakest parts of the story. I don't see any location really well. It is like black void with blurry objects floating in it.

Overall writing (grammar, diction, tense, POV, etc.): No major problems with the grammar so far I can see. You seem to have some trouble keeping to the tense, though.

Summary: A good story that could be made even better with more detail. Keep working on it. *Smile*
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Review of Elf Team Six  
Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey. This is a good story on the first read. You have a good sense of humor. I liked how you gave professor Frostman his peanuts he was always choking on. I want to do a full review on this story because I saw an element in this story that could appeal to anyone. You're at a good starting point, so here is my first impression.

You got a good hook at the beginning. You could do a better introduction of the characters. There were a lot to keep track of. I also didn't have any idea what they looked like. How big were the elves? Do they have crazy skincolors like green, blue or red, or just human skintone? What sort of clothing do they wear? What did professor Frostbite look like?

It would also be good to develop your characters. You mentioned Snowflake is attractive? Does she use it in way, or is it just an advantage? Who is the smartest? The dumbest? What are they good at? Horrible at? Scared of? (For example, if any of them had a terrible fear of snowmen.)

Develop settings as well: How big is Professor Frostbite's throneroom? Castle? Is it filled with ice stalagmites, stalactites, or is there an ice crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling? How cold is it? Also, I assume Santa's prison is barred, since he could reach through and grab the professor.

You ending is abrupt. You never even mention this Soviet salesman, or I don't remember it. Don't worry if you give your readers enough clues to figure out the ending. It isn't very fun when it comes out of nowhere. Besides, most of your readers will not be sure of the ending, so long as you don't give absolute evidence.

Then, what happens to Professor Frostbite? The last we hear of him is ordering the snowmen to surrender.

Other suggestions:

Tense, (I know, I have trouble with this too,) just watch out for it. Example: The members of ET6 looked around at each other, stunned. The words no elf wants to hear. Protocol Kringle. Santa has been kidnapped.

You go from "the members of ET6 looked" to "Santa has."

Add Details: Example: They snapped to, and began gathering equipment. What equipment? What does the equipment look like? sound like? Smell like?


What caught my eye about this was - it would make a good children's, YA, or adult book, whoever you decided to target. The real potential of targeting a children's audience is that you've got the wit to entertain an adult reader as well. If you find yourself thinking: children are stupid, they really aren't. If you just substituted a few of the swearwords in this piece you could entertain them well. If writing for children doesn't appeal to you, write for adults. It would entertain them just as well, and we all need a laugh once in a while. (And I'm definitely not good at being witty.)

Thank you for the read, and keep in mind, this is advice. If any of my suggestions appeal, seem to fit with your story, use them. If they don't, then don't use them.
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Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: E | (5.0)
Check to make sure all the links are working.
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Review of prompt sat 14th  
Review by Raven Sharp
In affiliation with The Realm of Fantasy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow. This one chilled me right to the bone. The reason I didn't give it five stars was because the text wasn't so smooth in places.

I'm also not certain this goes into the Gay/Lesbian category. By telling us that, I think you reveal more of your thoughts than the impression the reader gets. You never tell us the gender of the main character, and since the monster is a she it would mean that the protagonist is female, and it also gives me a nasty feeling about what happens to the protagonist. I think it is better to put the genres Supernatural and Horror to this story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Eternity  
Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: E | (4.0)
Honestly??? My grandparents names are Karen and David. What a coincidence. Though I liked the story. In the end, it seemed to me, an unfailing plan concocted and completed by the greedy river spirit.
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Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: E | (4.0)
I could think of this as a story written and read by animals, or that's what this poem seems to be about.

When you write "The jays and ravens watch from above" could mean you're talking about me and another person? After all, I've reviewed ("criticized") your writings more than once.

I can see a lot hidden in here, and could never point out all of it, though it seems to be a pondering over the life we do not know.
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Review of ABANDONED  
Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This could refer to Sweden, as we have a monarchy, but they are only there to put up some recognisable faces. Even though Sweden accepts a lot of refugees some are not accepted into the society. But you didn't anything about the cold so it's unlikely, many refugees come from warmer countries than Sweden, I would think.

I like this poem because it's written in a plain style, but leaves more than one meaning for the reader. Also, it would be easy to continue upon, or use as a prompt.

When you say there's a big X branded on the baby's forehead, you would think that society marked him because he was differrent, or something like that.

It's a sad message, but unfortunately, in some way or other, it's somewhat true.
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Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: E | (3.0)
And obviously what happens next is that Trent a: turns up at the door, b: breaks in through the window or c: walks right through the front door. Since she is on the couch there probably is window nearby that somebody throws a rock through, and either a: Trent threw it, or b: Trent sees it come in, or knows somepody is throwing it in, and then she ducks the stone but Trent is there instead of the attacker and she beats him up. If it's option b it makes sense because then they find the criminal together then fall in love.

(Sorry for the blabbering, but I'm tired and I like predicting things.)

Nice beginning. You get the reader interested quickly with the psychic power. You also know a little about her past, being orphaned at least twice, but you don't know so much about what she does in that situation.
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Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: E | (4.0)
I find this writing a lot like my own - more about the plot and not appearances. I liked the way you set up the chapter, and would like to know more, read on. Well, I'll just have to wait, I guess.
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Review of Rats  
Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: E | (4.0)
Funny and creative. It has a bit of flow. What I don't get, is how one can serve a rat as brekfast to a cat, and the rat comes back again in the afternoon. Also, with good illustrations, this could be made a children's book. Of course, that's just my opinion...
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Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nice story. I mean honestly, the way you used words, not the actual contents. Also interesting. Never really thought about the flesh-eating snowman before, might have to use that idea. Honestly it would make the (my) story more exciting. And, honestly, right now I am liking the word honestly. I do know how it is too have an icy heart. Watch others while trying not to hurt them.
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Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very exciting beginning. You get a family feud, an enemy, a loving family and a role model( someone little Luna will look up to). You also get to know that there is an organisation called the brotherhood, an idea that something larger is behind the attack. Exciting enough for me to want to read on. Keep on going and this could become a great novel.
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Review of Deeper  
Review by Raven Sharp
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is great! I think I understand what you mean. I like the way you use the withe words. They'll all try, that's the adults, isn't it. Hide the signs that I'm not okay, in others opinions I'm not okay. Thanks for the experience you explain. I like it.
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