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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/irenenotadler
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10 Public Reviews Given
17 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Moment I Knew  
Review by IreneNotAdler
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this to be a strong piece of flash fiction. There is clearly a larger story, but you gave us all we needed. You took us on a little journey here, and it was a satisfying read.
Just a few nit-picky suggestions:
I don't think you need the qualifier "That night." It just slows a story that is otherwise very economical with words.
The thing is that I'd like reworked is "I hid my reaction." It is just very general, and I think you can give us a bit more. Something very specific to the like "covered my half-smile with the frayed sleeve of my sweater," but obviously something better and more character relevant than that :)
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Review of Permeation  
Review by IreneNotAdler
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I think what is missing in this story is a way for the audience to connect. The therapist seems clueless and nagging, the narrator is so detached and dispirited and the others are barely in the narrative.
Also the questions the therapist asks are a bit unbelievable. "Tell me one thing you don't like about yourself"... more likely the therapist would trying to help prepare the inmate for the injection. Think more of how a therapist would treat a terminal cancer patient, less a moody teen.
Unless what you're getting at is that the therapist is just plain bad at her job... but that still needs more elaboration.
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Review of The Sound  
Review by IreneNotAdler
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I think the main thing that slows the story down is gratuitous explanation. A good rule is to try not to write anything the reader would react to with "well, duh..."

One example is this:
"In the clutter on the den floor, I found a pen and an envelope. I wrote down the time then managed to find my coffee pot, a can of coffee, and my favorite Aggie coffee mug. A few minutes later, I was walking around with a steaming cup of coffee."
Once you say you have the pen, we know you are going to write down the time. When you find a mug, coffee pot and can of coffee, we know your next move will be to make the coffee.

Sometimes I wasn't sure if I was interpreting your character right, like here:
"I had to promise to stay in bed all day, lay off the booze, and see my doctor the next morning. I probably should have a doctor."
I thought the last sentence could go more like: "Forget a GP, I was going to need a head shrinker"

Also, try to be more specific when describing emotions:
"I was in great spirits as I sat across the desk from Ms. Taylor, who was about to become my new landlady."
First off, we don't need to be so explicitly told that Ms. Taylor is the landlady, that becomes clear enough through her actions.
Second, "great spirits" isn't all that clear. We need to know a little more about you're character's state of mind.
I might try something along the lines of: "Ms. Taylor was like my personal lady liberty welcoming me into Official Adulthood"
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