Hey! Happy to offer a review! I'm going to start by saying I love the premise and it is really well executed!
I have a little cheat sheet of things I look for when I'm reading a piece of fiction so you're getting the full treatment below. If you just want the take away: great job but look at the ending again it might be a great opportunity for some cool, funny or ironic twist
Okay here goes with a full review- mind you any criticism is really small- minor things!
Opening Image: You use an exclamation point and then say he exclaimed. May I suggest an action instead of a tag for example: "Look what I found!" Timothy jumped up... other than that the opening image really set the mood, fantastic!
Structure/Organization: Great scene, active hook beginning, clear progression to the end, well done. Your balance of dialogue, action and exposition was good, too- it never felt like any one was out of balance to the other elements.
Pace/Tone: The first half was great but I felt like the end was a little rushed. Also there was one point where something tone wise jumped out and grabbed me. When the grandfather pulls up on the tractor and it's noisy, metal on metal- at first I was confused. I didn't know if I should be concerned for the children, if something completely huge was happening. It was a great place for a little suspense but I think it was just a tad out of proportion to the tone that you set otherwise.
Characters/ Dialogue/ POV: you have great character evolution even in this short a piece, good work. I thought the dialogue was good, realistic. Character's motivations were crystal clear fantastic
Mechanics: No substantial issues with spelling, grammar, etc. One transition stuck out a bit and could maybe use some sanding. When they go from walking into the house to suddenly it's 8 pm. Somehow that transition poked out at me a bit.
Ending/ Loose ends/ Promise of the Premise: Shakes fist! "WHAT IS THE COIN?!?" I must know! This is a loose end I think, the whole premise is that this is some interesting coin but you don't tell us what! It would be a great place for some iron twist or something unexpected... But I think it needs something critical here.
I found no major issues with your mechanics other than your use of the word sufferance- I don't think this is the word you meant here
Other notes from first paragraph:
check usage of word sufferance
Plenty other what? I assume you mean things to suffer but since sufferance means tacit acceptance of something it didn't make sense to me.
Characters:
Who is the husband? What happened to him? It seems to be missing back story or else the husband isn't really needed in my opinion- it leaves more questions. It seems like the reason the husband is mentioned is to explain how she knows that the end is near- perhaps there is another way for her to know this? I am left wondering what happened to the husband, how they are both sick with the same thing but he is already dead...
The characters don't evolve much, though in 300 words there isn't room for much so I can live with it.
Promise of the premise/ Loose ends:
I would consider the husband a loose end.
Structure pace and tone are good.
I think you can maximize conflict, perhaps the daughter might try to protest? Maybe highlight her inner conflict over deciding to pull the plug? I think there could be more tension.
The ending was a satisfactory one, I think it wrapped up well.
Really other than the word choice in paragraph one and the husband in limbo it was great.
I'm not the most knowledgeable about poetry as other forms but I do a handful of random reviews each morning to kind of get my head in the game for my own writing so bear with me
All I can really do for Poetry reviews is tell what I like and don't like about a poem...
Overall I really like this, the word choice and arrangement seem to set a tone that seems to fit with the spirit of the piece. I like the repetition of "endless, reckless;
it’s time, it’s time." The work seems to be evoking a feeling of excitement and anticipation. I truly enjoyed the feeling of it.
The word bewitched at first kind of stuck out for some reason, like it didn't fit the pattern somehow but it makes sense contextually. would b'witched be an option? the apostrophe seems to tell me to kind of mush those two syllables together and seems to fit it together better? Just an idea- otherwise words were cool, really set the tone.- You know forget what I said about Betwitched- I works just fine. I'm not sure why it felt like it stuck out on first reading I'm not seeing it now...
Now here is where my not so poeticalness (yeah I know it's not a word) comes in- I really have no idea what it's about. My brain perhaps is set up too literal and I have a hard time figuring out the symbolism, etc... Maybe I just don't practice enough because I'm not a big poetry person... It feels like anticipation, excitement. I enjoyed it, but I don't really GET it... (But I'm saying I don't think that's your shortcomings but mine)
I like the feel of it one first reading but the line 'settling us in for the night' threw me, and I was confused after that: It sounds more peaceful than the impression I was getting at the start and it seems there is a blurring. At the end it says the sea is calm now but the opening leads me to think it is not and when that changed was lost to me, I didn't pick it up I guess. It also feels to me like there could be tension, more emotion to the sea being tempestuous and then calming. I like it but I feel like it is missing something to connect the reader to the piece...
To me, this reads more like a scaled down Synopsis than it does a hook for a query, though.
Actually, I'm not sure if this is the hook or the meat but it's a little bland, a little loose and unfocused, and there is no "ironic element" that my writing coach is always harping on. This might be a good situation to use the When hook formula: for example "When fallen angels create a wizard to corrupt man, his love and redemption hold the balance of power in the final battle for Paradisio, but will it be enough?". The hook should really be tight, clean. Something that you should memorize and be ready to spout anytime anyone asks what your story is about. I don't think you are quite there yet. Then you can add a little more- the meat... Have you considered preparing an imaginary back cover blurb for the work? It might help you clarify for yourself what "meat" you want to include after your "hook".
I am guessing that this is an excerpt of the letter in full and that you are well aware of all the other elements that make a letter, and especially a query letter, effective. Usually you see some introductory paragraph first that introduces you and your work, lists the piece's stats such as word count and genre and there would be some close as well, listing pub credits if you have them or whatever.
In any case, You seem to be on the right track and I wish you luck
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/janelkane
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.19 seconds at 8:12am on Apr 25, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
