If you want my honest review, I'd say the narration could have been better.
For me, the ending of the story is obscure. Pardon me, but it's my personal view. What had been Ray's intention while sending those packages to Livi? Had he been trying to express her his love? or had he just been trying to make Livi admit her affair with Dean and walk out of it? Because if it was a stunt to express his love and impress her, he could have supported it by showing his love in a thousand physical ways. Yet, he stayed callous all along, asking her who was sending it. So it looks as if he wanted Livi to shed off her affair and proceed with the same boring life they had had from their marriage. That is not love, too. So why Livi becomes distressed at the end of the story is a big question. While she had been receiving gifts she could have thought the guy sending it loved her much like no other guy had ever had, but once Ray had let known his intentions to her, she should have known in her heart that this was a cheating ploy from her husband. She herself says that he played her. So why the emotional distress?
Yet I appreciate your effort in building the story well. You need to work a little with the grammar. I happened to find some grammatical potholes in narration. Below are a few of them.
Inside, I pulled out a giant plush teddy bear - I guess it should have been 'From inside'
I don't like his tone, but I'm used to it at this point - it's 'I didn't like his tone', or rather, 'I did not like his tone'. It's not a dialogue,but description. I guess descriptions are prettier if they do not use shorter forms like the way we talk. And also, why does the tense of the story suddenly switches on to present?
Correct mistakes like these in future endeavors, and your writing will surely shine.
This short story looks to me like an interesting blend between two Stephen King tales. One is 'It', a famous novel, and the other, 'The Man in the black suit', a short story.
This novel is less intriguing than the one from you I read previously, 'The Sound'. Part of it, I attribute to a simpler narration. I found myself rushing to the end, wishing to get it over with and go do something else. Narration is not exactly boring, but it could have been better. I am sure this novel would have been more interesting for me if I had not read 'The Sound' first, and made inevitable comparisons with that.
I am still learning English, so this might sound crazy. But I found two sentences particularly strange in view of the grammar I have mustered to learn.
'My life would be different now had I trusted my intuition' - This is your sentence. Should it not be like, 'My life would have been different now had I trusted my intuition', or is the way you have written acceptable?
'I couldn't find any openings in the fence and didn't see evidence of anyone being there recently.' - And this, should it not be like, 'I couldn't find any openings in the fence and didn't see evidence of anyone having been there recently.' Pump me in my head if I am wrong.
Good effort, indeed. I'm waiting to see much more from you.
I am not a native user of English, and as such, I find this document foolproof from grammar or punctuation mistakes. Maybe, there are not any. I try to comment on narrative part, anyway, based on my limited knowledge.
Your story buildup is quite amazing. By the time I was partway through the story, I had started praying for you to not leave the question of where that sound came from hanging without a proper answer. As it turns out, my prayer went futile. Yet, I am appalled by your imagination. The plot has managed to impress upon the reader the magnitude of the loss the intrusion of an unexpected sound has seemed to make for the protagonist. Kudos for that. The cliffhanger at the end has surely added to the effect.
Dialogues deserve a special mention. They are as natural as any between real people is. I especially liked the 'They're not your keys yet' part.
With my limited experience in English literature, I can sum up no negative comments out of this story. Besides, your writing has a few lessons in it for people like me to extract and learn, and I'm proud to admit it.
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