Hi Peter!
Firstly, I would like to say well done for getting out there and writing - though this website makes writing fans conspicuous and almost vast, there are very few people out there who love to sit down and just write. We are all very lucky to be given such a gift, so well done for that. Now, I am no M R James or Charles Dickens, but ghost/horror/scary stories tick my boxes, so I was pleased to see that that is the genre of the story. My English professor said to me recently that "opening lines are key to grabbing the reader by the hand and guiding him further" - I agree, and your opening line is good, if a bit cheesy. I would prefer to read, "A spark erupted in the darkness as the match met the candle inside the torch." Don't start the story with "Terry...". Now, I have nothing against Terry's, but I feel a better name could be found for this dark atmosphere!
On the same line, you say "the only light being the light" - this doesn't read well. Instead maybe "the glow from the candle now the only illumination...".
This low moaning you talk about, again builds atmosphere, however is moaning really the right word? Zombie's moan, women in labor moan, not ghosts! Perhaps use howl or hiss...
Pitch black - that's good. But extend the amount of time he is in darkness for! Otherwise, this great opportunity for a gravitas is lost - what a waist! A "shimmer of white" - maybe not, perhaps a "white silhouette".
The question I have a problem with, maybe it's because it's only a small passage of what I hope is a piece in the making. Why is she asking Terry this question, and why Terry? Who is this ghost? Needs explaining. And can a pitch black room (everything) fade? Sorry if I'm being fussy, but I am only trying to help.
When you mention what the ghost looked like (transparent, veil), let the reader know that Terry can now see clearly, because a minute ago, everything was pitch black.
Soft and gentle voices don;t get louder, that would make them aggressive, forceful and intimidating, which I think is what you are trying to convey anyway, a slight tweak or wording there would be good.
I love this next bit - you have made the sentences shorter, which adds dramatic effect. "The hair on his back began to rise" - excellent! We all know that this symbolizes fear. You then emphasize this point well by telling the reader it was the most scared he had ever been. Good job there!
Now, the question. What a question! Very nice. I hope these are your own words, as they really are fantastic. The reader now understands that Terry is trying to pass a test the ghost is offering him that will enable him to continue further into the tomb - am I right? And the ghosts' response - very nice, very creepy!
To conclude, I feel there IS a story here. One that is however going to take a lot of work and tweaking to perfect. I come on to writing.com about twice a week, so if you would like any help, I would be more than happy to accept, as I do have a good understanding of what makes a good story (I love writing and have been writing for a long time, perfecting and changing my work constantly). If you feel independent enough to continue on your own, I wish you the best of luck, but sometimes a call for help is the best thing to do.
All in all though, I'm glad I read this.
Please look at the three pieces I have in my portfolio, all ghost stories of which I am proud to call my own.
Regards,
jbaileywriting x
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
