I am reviewing your "In the Heat of Battle" as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Below are my opinions of the piece and a few suggestions I think might help your writing. I hope you find this review useful.
Story Strengths:
I really enjoy military history, especially World War II and the Eastern Front, so I was immediatley drawn to your story. Your story is historically accurate and you do a great job describing the desperation and hopelessness of the Russian military in the early days of the German invasion. I also like how your description of the setting really gives the reader a feel for the vastness and desolation of the Russian Steppe.
Suggestions:
While I realize you are writing this in English, you should keep in mind the Russian vernacular when writing your dialog. For example, in this passage: "“Pack up the machine gun, guys,” I shouted to
my comrades. “We’re moving forward.”, I don't think a Russian would use the word "guys". Perhaps using a Russian dictionary or doing some research on conversational Russian would help make your dialog fit the setting and context a bit better.
When you refer to the machine gun ammunition, first you say "clips", this denotes a magazine that holds the rounds. Later you refer to ammunition "belts", and then still later you go back to clips again. Clips and belts are two distinctly different forms of holding ammunition. In reality, I don't think there was a machinegun in that period used by any country that was magazine fed, all used ammunition belts. A little simple research would clear this up and allow you to use historically accurate details in your story. Such details would definitely bring the story to life even more.
Punctuation, Spelling, and Grammar:
You did a thorough job of proofreading your story, I didn't find any glaring spelling or punctuation errors. I did find the narrow column page set up slightly irritating. Perhaps using a different page set up would make it look more appealing.
I really enjoyed reading this piece and would like to read more of your writing.
I am reviewing your "Personal Vendettas-Chapter One" as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Below are my opinions of the piece and a few suggestions I think might help your writing. I hope you find this review useful.
Story Strengths:
I like the premise of your story. The plot has the makings for an interesting thriller. I Like how you use dialog, body language, and facial expressions to develop your characters and let the reader know what they are thinking and feeling without having to spell it out completely. I found myself wanting to read more, wondering exactly how the relationship between these two characters will play out.
Suggestions:
A few times I was a bit confused as to what was taking place. Why would Tim have to clear the building before he talked to Hope? I felt like there was something going on there that I didn't know about. Later on Tim says he will get the pills when everyone leaves, why couldn't he get them right then as he had just made everyone leave?
I know this is just a first chapter but I think including some details about why Tim is so intent on getting Eve would improve the story and help answer questions the readers will have about the details of what is happening.
Punctuation, Spelling, and Grammar:
'.....standing infront of his desk......' - This should be in front of.
"Eight or nine years. Why whats up?" - This should be what's
There are several times in the story where you leave out apostrophies where they should be included.
".... she didn't notice Tim come back in til she heard the office door close...' - This should be until
"Tim got excited as he told the other officers to leave the building and take an hour lunch immediatly. He knew who the girl was. She was a local that moved here more then a decade ago. He knew she knew people and was friends with some of the local dopers. He also knew that this was the only way he could get the woman that has slipped by him for so many years."
In this passage You change the tense of the story several times from past tense, to present tense, and then back to past tense. Words like got and knew are past tense. This is the tense you write most of the story in. But when you say "....the woman that has slipped by him.....", the word has is present tense and changes the tense of the story. When the story changes tense back and forth like this it confuses the reader.
I am reviewing your "For Honor's Sake" as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Below are my opinions of the piece and a few suggestions I think might help your writing. I hope you find this review useful.
Story Strengths:
I really like the idea behind your story. Everett is faced with a huge moral dilemma. I believe that this type of conflict occurs more than we realize. I like your portrayal of the relationship between Everett and Sierra. The dialog between them does a good job in relating the conflicting emotions of the situation. As a reader, I could feel how Sierra was at once infuriated and hurt but also sympathetic to Everett's pain as well.
Suggestions:
The biggest suggestion I have is adding some more detail. You touch briefly on what happened to his brother. I think some more details and a little more in depth explanation of how he supported the family and how he died would definitely help the reader relate even more to Everett's plight. The whole idea of the affair just begs for more attention. To me, the most intriguing character in the story is Elise. I found myself wanting to know more about her and what makes her tick. You set her up as a strong antagonist, but you give us very few details about her and her actions that led to the affair. I think developing her character in more detail would definitely improve this story.
Punctuation, Spelling, and Grammar:
"...some inappropriate advances on you at party we hosted once your...." should be a the between at and party.
"Just as he had saved enough to come he..." - I think you meant to say "to come here..."
"They both laugh softly, and Everett’s laugh is strained, but he hugged her back." - Your whole story is told in past tense but in this sentence you switch to current tense and then back to past tense again. Switching tenses like this confuses the reader.
Great job on this piece, I really enjoyed reading it.
I am reviewing your "Invalid Item" as a student of the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . Below are my opinions of the piece and a few suggestions I think might help your writing. I hope you find this review useful.
Story Strengths:
I feel the real strength of your story lies in its historical accuracy. The story of WWII is told in this country with the focus on German aggression. The horror of life in post revolutionary Russia as well as what the Russian people, and many people of Eastern Europe, lived through during the WWII years is a tragedy that is not familiar to many in The West. I like how you use the Ukranian example. Stalin's pre-war policies were exceptionally brutal on the Baltic States, especially The Ukraine. Many people don't realize that initially Ukranians and citizens of other Baltic States welcomed The Germans as liberators.
Your portrayal of how Adam's unit massacres civilians is historically accurate and your description of it is entirely believable. Describing how the soldiers were kept in trucks until the last minute was totally believable and definitely formed an integral part of your story.
I especially like how your story points out the effect that following orders has on Adam. You also include how that effects his family as well and it definitely lends an air of believability to your story. You tell us of a tragedy that was very common in The East during and after the war, but it is a story that most of us in The West have never heard.
As a student of history, and one who has a passion for Russian history especially, your story really resonated with me.
Suggestions:
I realize that this is an historical piece, but I feel like some more in depth character development would definitely enhance your work.
What were Adam's initial reactions to becoming a soldier? As a member of the younger generation did he sympathize with the Bolsheviks?
Given the age of the father character it's safe to assume that he had lived through the First World War as well as The Russian Revolution. How did this affect his view of the current situation?
Your first 5 paragraphs confused me. It took me several re-readings to figure out who Ivan was. I feel like he and his wife could have played a much more integral part of your story, but in doing that, it would have changed the story completely. I can understand your desire to include them in the story, especially at the beginning, but I feel this only confuses the story. You jump from these characters to the father and then to Adam. For me it made the story hard to follow and a bit confusing. I was finally able to figure out that the first part of your story was talking about the Ukranian man and woman but it wasn't readily apparent and I'm not sure all readers would pick up on it. For me, eliminating the first five paragraphs completely, makes the story easier to follow.
Punctuation, Spelling, and Grammar:
You did a good job proofreading your work and there is not much to note here. I did find a few spots where you could have used commas:
"Things have not gotten any better and in some cases things are worse since the death of the Tzar and his family.". A comma would be appropriate in this sentence here "...better,and..."
As one of the men hands him an envelope, the other says in a passionless tone, "ALL SACRIFICES FOR THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC ARE GLORIOUS".
While not including commas in these lines, as well as others throughout the story may not be grammatically incorrect, the pause the comma makes the reader take does much to enhance the piece.
I just finished reading "Maybe Just a Bad Trip" and I would like to offer you the following comments:
Story Strengths:
Your use of dialogue really makes the story. Your dialogue is rich and descriptive and really lets the reader get to know the characters. Your writing makes it very easy to picture the scene in detail and to get inside the minds of the characters. Your use of slang is well balanced and believable.
Suggestions:
I really like this piece, I can't think of anysuggestions to give you.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
"she was verging on being in a state of panic" verging and being are both verbs here and makes this confusing. I think it would be better written like this: ...she was on the verge of panic, or she was verging on a state of panic.
I just finished reading "Suburbia" and I would like to offer you the following comments:
Story Strengths:
I love the rich descriptors in your story. It definitely makes it very easy to form a mental picture of exactly what you are writing about. The sights, sounds and smells jump off the page and for me, I could almost hear the sounds and smell the smells.
Suggestions:
This piece is wonderful, I am unable to point out anything that needs improvement.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
No issues here that I can see.
Story Strengths:
I think you provided some easy and inexpensive ways to deorate your home to reflect the fall season. The ideas you provided can be done by anyone with little or no impact on their budget.
Suggestions:
I do like your suggestions but they seem very general. I think including directions for a couple of simple craft projects would make the article much more appealing. Perhaps even include some Fall themed recipes as well.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Using words like: furthermore, additionally, and moreover gives this piece the feel of a big list instead of a how to article. Look for other ways to introduce new and seperate ideas.
"This new adjustments" should read This new adjustment
"These new do not have to be....." You skipped a word here
"living room by use of lovely candle holders" should read living room by the use of lovely candle holders
I enjoyed reading this. I think you did a great job bringing us into Bill's head and letting us feel the shame, fear and despair he was going through. I have to admit the end left me wanting more. I would have liked to hear more details about how his friends felt about him 10 years ago and the difference in those feelings today.
In paragraph six there is a "were" that should be "where" and in paragraph seven I'm not sure if you meant to say "bin bag" instead of "big bag".
This poem did a great job conveying the lifelong pain the author felt at giving up her child for adoption. I also like how the author illustrated how the event was also at the root of the successes she had enjoyed in life. It is an interesting contradiction and I found myself wishing the author had explored it in greater depth.
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