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8 Public Reviews Given
44 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of L.A. Dark  
Review by jlionheart
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
It tastes like rap. That doesn't make it bad, just maybe not the right medium. As for the sound, I hear the music, the tightly wound package. It has a story to say. Suggestions would be, if you want to make it a proper poem, play with line breaks and punctuation. Needs a snare drum. I kind of like it.
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Review of The Body  
Review by jlionheart
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
First, the good: the pacing here is spot on. Very admirable. A lot happens in a little time. That is actually really hard to achieve. Then there the change=drama aspect. A storytelling essential, but most people miss the mark quite widely. This does not. In about a page, the main character is quite different from the person he was at the beginning. And so we have drama, and interest. You also try something at the end, a kind of Twilight Zone finale. I appreciate the attempt.

Next, hopefully helpful criticism: if you keep the King of the world line, you need to have Ken recognize its allusion. It won't work otherwise. Too cliche a phrase. I would suggest cutting quite a bit, all that is not essential to knowing what is going on; for example --

1. "turned to head down the path he’d trodden to get here, slowly working his way down the steep incline." Try rather, "He turned and slowly worked his way back down the last incline." Why? Because we know already he's trodden that path. That's how he got there. We know it is steep because it is a mountain. We don't want to think there's a path because there's more drama if it's just an incline.

2. "As he ambled carefully along, he reveled in the peace and quiet of the great outdoors" Try rather something like "He had time as he ambled to revel in the peace and quiet." Why? No one really ambles carefully. We either amble, or we move carefully. And it's already clear that this is the great outdoors, so you shouldn't say that. Also you might say quiet and peace instead of peace and quiet to invert the cliche.

3. "a strong gust caught him square in the face. He fell backwards, landing hard on his tailbone before rolling to one side. A loud scream escaped his throat" Try rather, "a gust caught him in the face. He fell back, landing hard before rolling to one side. He screamed." Why? Because a gust that knocked him down would have to be strong; you don't need to say it. Because as a fall is quick, so should the sentence be, unless you want to play with time. Because a scream is loud; it doesn't need to be qualified. And because a scream comes from the throat. You don't need to state the obvious.

There are other points in your tale that could stand such revision; I'm just pointing out a few.

Finally, the dialogue does not work for me. Not natural. It would flow better if you put all that into the narrator's voice.

Hope this helps. Thanks again for reviewing mine.
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Review of Before the Spring  
Review by jlionheart
Rated: E | (2.0)
The refrain is good. The core is working. But it should probably be cut in half. The two examples of spring (though I would suggest naming a specific bird, and giving the wolves some specific atrribute, as well) followed by the reason chose to survive line. The actual "reason" could be inferred from the examples you give. Also, even though it fits the rhyme pattern, I would get rid of the cliche about how we reap what we sow. Common sayings usually only work if it they are satiric or something.
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