I love it. Your writing style flows very well and your thoughts come through clearly. It's a very encouraging, inspiring work and addresses some hard issues. I like how you put the words "They say" in bold letters, but I'm curious why you didn't also do that with "When they say" in the three paragraphs below. It's your call of course, but I noticed and others might and I wouldn't want that to detract from your message. Especially since it's such a great message. Also consider moving the paragraph starting with "We are all" down to next to last, again your call. The only thing that really glared at me was the sentence that you yourself made glaring, The one you highlighted. I think that sentence is another whole writing in itself. In my opinion this one should be about the issues stated, and a separate writing could address that issue alone. That message could have a great impact on others whose experiences are similar to yours, And I feel that you are the right person to deliver that message. If you do decide to write on that subject I'd love to read it. (unless you think my review totally sucks LOL)God bless you, you are an outstanding messanger.
Your story idea is fantastic. There's so many ways to go with this, you've left yourself a way to really get creative with plot twists and surprises. I think if you take your time with this and really think it through you can really make this go somewhere. But remember, there are thousands of stories about detectives trying to solve difficult cases. Your challenge is going to be how to make yours different without being over the top. I recommend reading as many similar stories as you can and take notes on how they are all the same and where you think they are different. You're going to need to find a writing style that's different, and characters that people get to know. This is a difficult subject to tackle in my opinion. But if you feel up to the challenge then go for it. It might reduce your stress if you have more than one story to work on. If you put all of your efforts into only one piece and in the end either you or your fans are not happy with it can hurt your creativity. Writing is more like using a shotgun than a rifle. The more stories you get out there the more exposure you get and you just can't predict which story or piece of work is going to make an impact.
I'm new here too. I saw the title and checked in, I have a hundred letters I've written but never sent, that's why the interest. Your writing is so smooth and fluid it's amazing. It flows off the page and into the mind, making it easy to read. Your expression of your thoughts is your strength, you never stumbled and never repeated. You were born to be an author, along with whatever else you become, always write. For you and for us.
To gain exposure I used my authors page link as my signature on my phone text. But everyone will see your items. Perhaps send the link to "him".
I gave ya some go to get you started. Try rating others as a way to get more. Start with my items if you want. See you around town.
Saw the title and ran here to read this. Silence is a poets best friend isn't it? That's when it comes to you, when everyone else is watching tv, on their phones or driving angry. Agree about the punctuation. My rule about punctuation, grammar, sentence structure all of it is simply this... There are no rules, only guidelines.
I absolutely loved this work. I felt it and that's what poems are meant to do. So as a fellow poet who knows the reasons why you wrote it and, I hope, what you are trying to express, I'm going to rate the poem itself. Not the other stuff that's just guidelines that someone else thinks applies to our expression. So I'm giving you a 5, cause it's a great expression, and it hits the mark.
That being said there's a few recommendations I can make of some new "guidelines" to consider adding to your toolbox that I use in my work. Completely optional and you can exercise your line item veto power as you see fit.
First let me tell you these are just opinions and I'm giving them because I loved your poem. I'm no expert, in fact I'm green as grass. I've read more than I've written so I'm reviewing as a fan not a writer. Feel free to like what I say or tell me to F off. I'm ok with either, cause an opinion is just an opinion.
General.
I count syllables when I write to create rhythm as well as rhyme to make the syntax flow better and give it a sort of song quality to it. My OCD serves me well at last.
Changes in syntax can come by changing words, variations of words (can't is 1 count, cannot is 2) etc. Patience, meditation and our good friend silence help.
Specific to your poem.
Consider putting the stanzas starting with "Have you listened..." together.
Then put "I've listened..." together.
Then "I listen..." together.
Then "Silence can...".
Finally "So listen..."
See if the poem looks, feels and flows to your liking. change it around. Maybe you like I/I've/Have or I've/I/Have etc. see which you like best.
Definitely leave your last stanza there it's right where it belongs.
Stanza by stanza.
S1 L4 seems to need another count
S2 baby/they change tense on one or the other recommend baby to babies
S3 check syntax count
S4 is "last" needed?
S5 I instead of I've? "alone" in L2,4 cry to death? cry in hell? cry what?
S6 joyous people get joyful news. Reconsider "changes you point"
S7 "they" ! more than one ! You rock star ! Ponder L3,4 some more
S8 Can't/Cannot?
S9 very?
S10 rethink "smothered" recommend a word referencing sound. I have a recommendation in my head but I'm hesitant to say it on here. This is your expression of your soul so if you don't want it no sweat. If you do email me.
S11 L2 rethink/condense L3 the wording feels awkward to me
S12 I/I've If "as one" is taken out the syntax is spot on.
S13 Perfect ending! Leave last! "each word" vs "just what" let them fight in your mind a while, see which wins.
This is a great piece and you are a Great Poet ! Please jump into my portfolio and see what I've created. Feel free to review it, I would love to hear your opinions.
I'm your fan now btw
Awesome! The flow of your syntax is spot on. It taps when you read it, tick tick tick tick. You can hear the little footsteps of this menace sneaking up on you in the dark. Great job building up the menace and curiosity of "what the heck is coming?" It's just the right length. In my peripheral vision I could see the ending coming up, which heightened my anticipation. I was reading faster cause I wanted to know how it ended! You could have ended this a dozen ways as a scary, Halloween type poem, but the ending you chose was very creative. Very impressive.
A good job. I'm familiar with the topic, which you address quite well. So I'll direct my comments to the writing itself. Take a look back at the structure of the whole page and consider how the piece flows. There are areas which describe the history and development of your symptoms, areas describing your emotions as the disorder progresses, and job/living situation changes that progress as well. They move from one to the other on occasion and bunching those together in paragraphs might make it flow smoothly. You have your writing chronological, which is great if you are simply giving a history of the illness. But what is the purpose of the writing? I sensed that the emotional elements were what you wanted to express more. If so, then consider making your job and location of less importance and concentrate more on your emotional and psychological journey. I felt less interest in your physical location but I was closely following your movement through the therapy/medication/lifestyle transitions you made. If you draw readers down that path along side you they will feel closer to you I believe. In my work I try to be accepting of what I have done by forcing myself to stop editing and post it when it's "good enough" then I occasionally go back and make gentle (!) reviews and corrections.
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