My general impression is that this is a very good first chapter. You set the scene - both of the "shop" and also the larger scene of the utopians and the colonists. Also you astutely point out the inherent conflict between immortality & children & set it up as a possible conflict throughout the book. I like how this almost philisophical conflict is echoed repeatedly in the more tangible conflicts: attie vs her dad, utopia vs colonists (the word colonists at least implies newcomers ariving which is like children whereas utopia implies something "perfect" and unchanging like immortality), even human vs changer (humans bodies are static & changers change) I don't know if these echos are deliberate on your part or unconcious but I hope they are reinforced in further chapters. Finally I get a strong image of Atties character: bitter about her "gift/curse" of immortality, protesting it through destruction & basically surving on attitude.
Another general comment is that the three colonists were not very separate... They all talked about the same, had the same things to say or were silent. This is true even though one was a shape shifter. When he did the bit with the finger I could see him as an individual, but once that was over I didn't know if he was talking or one of the other two. Also, both Attie & giggles could tell they were colonists but you don't say how. Do colonists look different? Have a different hairstyle? What exactly?
My final general comment I was very confused about the specific politics &/or governments. Is T9 a utopian planet? Were all the utopians immortal or just attie & her father? If so why did all the other utopian patrons get drunk when attie doesn't? If not what's the issue with the government spies hacking an AI bartender? Also I'm confused about the "millenium potion." At times it sounds like a localised thing... one specific bottle that could in principle be stolen or destroyed. At other times it sounds like a drug that's distributed all around to all the utopians, in which case it wouldn't be possible to destroy or steal - at least not in one swipe.
A few specific comments:
- I wouldn't claim giggles & rabbit mug the patrons when they get too drunk. I know your trying to establish a gritty bar with gritty people, but this goes too far - no one would ever go. And besides, giggles is behind the bar & can't be hiding in the alley at the same time.
- When you talk about how Attie loves the fights, it might be better to "show not tell." That's not always possible in sci-fi because the plots can be so complex, but its still good advice when trying to show a characters character. Perhaps she SHOULD fight with the colonists before she buys them a beer, then you can also let us know they've studied her without being quite as heavy handed as currently (lines like, "We heard you were a fighter, but we didn't know you were insane...")
- "didn't empty out athenais's bank account." -- the term bank account instantly makes me picture her in a bank filling out a withdrawl slip and waiting patiently in line -- not a picture you intended. Also, she owns a ship and pays a crew. She might be poor on the scale of reparing a ship but not on the scale of bribing a bartender...
- I like the idea her changing her name to indicate the rivalry with her father - but it comes out stilted as stated. I think I'd like to hear it come to her as a question from a character that slowly figures it out rather than as a proclamation from someone who studied her.
Because this is a political poem, I'll start off by disclosing my bias's. 1st, I roughly agree with the sentiment of the poem - I don't approve of bush or the iraq war. 2nd, I don't like political poems in general because poems are good a communicating images, impressions & emotions, and I think politics would be better off with less emotion and more logic... That said, I'll do my best to discuss the poem itself & not the content...
My first impression reading the poem was "lots of cliches." For example: "ticket to hell", "hail to our chief", "fortunate son", "best laid plans", "tears and blood", "god bless our girls and boys", "brave and strong".
I'd even include "another barrel of oil gets filled" as a kind of cliche. The phrase isn't really but the idea is very often stated and written and it is a perfect example of WHY cliches ruin poems. There is no doubt that control if the mideast is a big part of the reasons for the war & also that the reason control of the mideast is important is oil. So, to say the war is about oil is not wrong. However, the oil production in iraq has been mismanaged & sabatoged & is not smooth at all. You see, the poem says we are trading tears and blood for oil & that might be taken as a moral travesty. However, it would be much more powerful to say the truth which is we are trading tears and blood for NOT EVEN GETTING the oil. This is a moral travesty AND a strategic blunder. This is the problem with cliches, you hear the words and they feel so comfortable you don't really concentrate on what they mean & neither does your reader.
The second area you could consider is the rhyming scheme. The reason for the rhyme is that the rhyming word gets an extra emphasis. That makes the most powerfull statement if its a strong word. The last rhyme of the piece works well "strong - wrong". But the others aren't so strong. "paid - made", "spilled - filled", "captain - happen". This has the result of accenting a weak word & therefore de-emphasising the stronger words around it.
I'll finish up with the positive, which is that the meaning of the poem is very clear. Also, you handle the idea that the stage was set by the first iraq war & that it wasn't a response to 911 well without hitting the readers head over with it.
The sentances are all strong standing alone. I particularly like the lines: "She lies across her mothers's plains", "captivating all from the cat to the cleric", & "Even plants whisper 'Solstice is here'".
I'm searching for an overall point to the poem. What I find is that its a celebration of the summer & simply meant to evoke images of the solstice in the minds of the reader. If so, the last line delivers the point perfectly, and I like how the line "Captivating all from cat to the cleric" sets up the "Even plants whisper..."
I'd like to see the same kind of connection between the other lines in the piece and I can't quite make them, perhaps because the images are less crisp.
For example "summer slumbers half the years" confuses me. When I read it I think, half the years (odd numbered ones perhaps?) summer sleeps - and I ask myself what does this mean? There is no summer? Summer is long and lazy? I feel like the meaning of the statement is that the summer and winter solstice's are 6 months apart, but the line doesn't really say that, and the plural, though needed for the s at the end confuses the issue even more.
The second line, "only when winter's urge to go", seems to set winter up into some kind of opposition with summer but I don't get it. Summer is slumbering, but only when winter's urge is to leave? Many things would make sense to me, if summer wrests control away from winter, or if winter grows tired and relinquishes control to summer, or if the cycle of seasons naturally rolls one into the other but summer slumbering and winter just leaving gives the impression of there being no relationship between the two, and I don't feel like that's what you intended to say.
Similiarly the sister's call & the mother's plains are set up in relationship to one another, but I can't puzzle out what specifically the sister and mother represent. Again if its winter and summer why sister and mother - sister and mother aren't relationships to one another. Sister to sister I could see to represent equality, or mother to daughter to represent one coming from the other and if its one entity relating to two others, her sister and mother what is the third entity. I guess it could be the solstice itself, but if so which is sister & which is mother and what precisely is the statement?
Overall, the poem scans very well because the sentences on there own are strong. But, if you can tighten up the underlying meaning into a coherent story it will have a much stronger impact on the reader.
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