"Sitewide Care Review"
Hi Blade.
I found your piece interesting. I liked Jim. The girl intrigued me. And I'm wondering what Mahoney was into and who disfigured him and why. I offer the below review.
Style:
A straight up detective mystery. You did a good job setting up the crime and getting the ball rolling.
Plot:
Jim's adversary is murdered, the why and who are yet to be determined. Based on Jim's past (not being able to kill the girl in Iraq), he selfishly takes matters into his own hands, potentially destroying the case and his career. Has he or hasn't he harbored a murderer? Good job. You started not only Jim's story, but also the subplots for the girl and Mahoney. I am anticipating lots of activity and information.
Scene Structure (opening and closing hook, empathy, logical challenges):
Your beginning sentence did hook me but I feel a good revision is needed. I feel it has potential but it needs to be tighter. They (they being professional authors) say never to put back story and/or flashbacks in the first chapter but rather use the first chapter for setting up the crime and introducing the main players. I think a writer can do whatever he wants for the sake of his plot but he has to weigh the cost of that decision, decide if it is self serving or does the story really call for going against the advice of experienced authors. While I personally didn't feel Jim's back story was intrusive or illogically placed (but rather explained why he chose to hide the girl), you might consider moving Jim's back story/flashback to the second chapter so your reader is left wondering why Jim, as a cop, would risk his career to hide such a logical perpetrator. This would provide your reader with an ah-ha moment and have them to get know Jim at a slower pace instead of Jim being thrust at them. Ease the reader into empathy and admiration. I guess I am trying to say I felt you tipped your hat too soon.
Tone:
I did think the characters behaved typical of cops and stayed in character throughout the piece but I do have issues with their dialogue. I will cover this more in the dialogue heading.
Setting:
You tell me it is NY but I didn't 'see' that for myself. I think your reader would rather 'see' the setting and put the clues together for themselves rather than be told flat out they're in NY. You have a cleaver voice and Jim seems to be a unique character, so I'm sure between the both of you, you can come up with a description that describes NY without being cliche and one that doesn't tell but rather shows. Also, I do not get a sense of time. Is it day? Night? You tell me the girl is in dark and Jim uses a flashlight in the room but those aren't obvious clues. We have a darkening shade on our bedroom window and in the day, with the shade pulled, it looks like night. I guess the flipping of the switch was a clue it was night but I suggest making the time of day more obvious.
Descriptions:
You created a visually attractive action scene for the reader but you did overuse the adjectives and repeat yourself a couple of times. I use your opening paragraph as an example:
Alone, in a darkened room a girl, who hulled in a corner, wept.
The action and description of the girl is stopped by who hulled in a corner. The girl is doing the action so it should read: A girl wept, alone, in the darkest corner of the room. Hulled did not create a visual and is more associated with corn and ships than a crying girl. Your goal is to create an image, in logical order, for the reader to see as his eyes move forward. The 'beep beep beep' of the reversing eyes isn't something a reader wants to hear or see in the opening line of a story.
Blood dried on her normally straight, silky black hair. Her fist clenched around an ordinary stainless steel kitchen knife, stained with his blood.
1. If her hair is normally straight, why not just tell me it's straight? Does it matter that her hair is straight? If straight hair is a clue, leave it in. If not, let your reader visualize the girl's hair for themselves.
2. If the girl has black hair, would Jim be able to tell that it was blood in her hair at first glance, especially with only a flashlight, or would her black hair be matted? Pasted to her head? Slimy looking?
3. Clenching implies that a hand is tightly grasping an object, thus making 'around' redundant. I felt removing the adj and rewording with a stronger verb tightened the sentence, made it more dramatic: Her fist clenched a knife, blood coated the stainless blade. Or whatever, make it your own but make it read that the object is doing the action and don't over describe. Your reader is smart, they'll visualize the in between action you don't say.
She was shaking uncontrollably, her eyes moved across the room. She took in every detail of her surroundings except him.
1. The first sentence is passive (was shaking). Short, direct sentences work best for action and to convey emotion. The girl is nervous, scared, so her movements would be quick, random. Suggest:The girl shook. She couldn't stop. Not even when she pictured her mother.
2. The way you wrote it, I am picturing the girl's eyeballs inching their way across the floor. Also, isn't the room dark, dark enough for a flashlight? Eyes do see in the dark but I would think a room that dark, the objects would be seen as black shadows. Instead try:Her gaze darted. The desk. The chair he tied her in, broken at her feet. The dresser. The floor littered with perfume bottles, the perfum he liked her to wear. She closed her nose to the flowery scent... Whatever. Make it your own but you get the idea. Instead of telling me she didn't look at 'him' (which could mean Jim or Mahoney-not specific enough) and that she took in every object of the room, show me that she does this, show me what she sees. let me experience her trauma with her. I saw this as an optimal time to work in clues, subtle, innuendo type clues as to why the girl was in the room, to help set up her story.
The mere thought of what events had just recently passed made her skin crawl and brought about nausea. The image of his body twitching uncontrollably, for what seamed like years, was forever burned in the mind.
The first sentence read awkward. The second would have been excellent if not for its passive tone. Again, write so your words read action, that the girl is doing the action:The image of his body twitching, uncontrollable twitching for what seemed like hours, burned in her mind. Bile rose in her throat...Again, make it your own.
}His insides froze, his heartbeat quickened, sweat covered his palms, and Jim could not believe his eyes.
Would Jim get nervous or would he be shocked? Both emotions cause two different reactions within the body. By your description, Jim was nervous. I felt he should be shocked first (heart stopping, breathing stopped, eyes wide) and then after finding out some information and starting to develop a theory, I felt Jim might be nervous.
Characterization:
You're off to a good start. You gave enough insight to your characters to interest me, to help me understand, and for me to like them. Again, I thought Jim's back story/flashback was well-placed, it seemed logical. But having said that, I felt you could make better use of it.
I gathered that Jim has PTSD and was triggered (action/smells/etc anything that brings back memories of the traumatic event) into the Iraq memory. The paragraph of back story does need revising so it doesn't read passive. Take me straight into the memory of Iraq. Take Jim back into Iraq, make his heart pound, his hands sweat, make me feel his fear.
As they knocked down the door Jim felt like he did when he toured Iraq several years ago. Nervous, excited, afraid. He hated it.
Don't tell me Jim felt like he did when he was in Iraq. I have no reference to that. Instead, take me directly to it. Ex:.As they knocked down the door, his heart pounded. His breathing quickened. His hands shook. He tried to stop it. Iraq. As the member of the 12th Unit... Again, make it your own but perhaps writing it so it's more of a dream, more sensory, would make it less back story and create more empathy/understanding in the reader.
Also, I am seeing Jim as a Humphrey Bogart type, when he talks he doesn't say much but what he says is important and short to the point, picture him using a lot of slang, unique words throughout the story. I hope there's a girl he's afraid to approach until he gains self confidence.
As to the girl, I felt you did a good job but would a girl in that situation notice what the man (Jim) in the doorway was wearing? Would fear make clothing not matter? Would she be more concerned if he was another Mahoney? Another bad guy? Suggest closing your eyes and picturing how you would feel, what you would see in that scene if you were a scared 15 yr old and write from that visual.
Dialogue:
I have two issues with your diaglogue. Both easily fixed.
1. Lines of dialogue should be separate from paragraphs of narration. It makes them stand out, makes the piece flow, and makes the reader feel they are making progress. Right now, all the readers sees are large blocks of black, you want them to see small blocks, easy to read blocks so they don't feel so overwhelmed with the page. When I reach pages this full of black, I tend to skip over them, sometimes I skim them, picking out the important words or dialogue. Not a good thing.
2.The sergeant didn't sound like a cop to me. And I questioned whether a sergeant would have the balls to tell an experienced cop/military homicide detective to wait until the area was secure. Suggest you look up police slang (google it) and research protocol and police hierarchy.
3. Jim's reply: that is the primarys f***ing car. Now get out of my way so I can kick his ass felt odd to me. I thought he would have just said: That there, is the primarys car, so get the f*** outta my way.(while pointing) The kicking his ass part didn't read right for the scene. (btw, I had to take out the possessive marks as they made mumbojumbo in the type)
Foreshadowing:
Not so it was obvious if you did but that is a good thing. Even though you didn't put it in my face, I still felt that you foreshadowed by raising my curiosity. With the girl, I am anticipating trouble or that she will be a key player that Jim protects and stands up for. Mahoney's death...that could go either way: either it was his own doing or he was in the right place at the wrong time. That Jim's Toyota will conk out on him at the worst possible time (btw, calling it a Celica or Corrolla or whatever it is, might create a better visual as it allows the reader to reference a specific car instead of a type).
Format & Punctuation:
Missing commas here and there. A few missing words. I have my computer read my type back to me and edit as it reads. Its amazing all the missing word and run on sentences I hear that my 20 reads didn't catch.
Transitions
Again, suggest separating dialogue from narration. Also, whenever Jim starts a new action, make that action the start of a new paragraph. And make it more clear that you've jumped character.
Author intrusion (passive vs active voice):
Make sure you don't write things like Jim was..., when the girls was..., etc. Make sure the object is doing the action, not that action was done to an object. It is okay to simply and say 'was' in action scenes. As a writer, you need to convey information and have an obligation to do so as quickly as you can in an action scene so the reader isn't taken out.
Things I found confusing:
Your POV choice. Most mysteries are told in the first person. This is not by choice or because of a whim, it is what the genre demands for a very specific reason. The reader needs a guide, needs to see only what the writer needs them to see. If you are in everyone's head, jumping all over the place, seeing all and knowing all, the reader is privy to too much information and will solve the crime before Jim does, therefore making your story tedious to read as well as pointless. You want your reader figuring out the story with Jim, sometimes ahead of him and sometimes behind him but not too far and not halfway through.
Specific elements that need to be addressed:
1. Adjectives. Thin out.
2. Write so it reads action.
3. I suggest rewriting this piece in first pov so the reader isn't privy to anything that Jim isn't. This should make your job as a story teller a lot less stressful.
4. I felt you tipped your hat too much with Mahoney by telling the reader he was an asshole. I gathered from the back story/flashback that Mahoney was bad news. I suggest letting the reader feel sorry for the cop for a bit before finding out through clues and behavior what an asshole Mahoney really was.
Element(s) that left the greatest impression on me:
Jim's characterization. I thought you did a good job with that. I liked that he drove an old car, wasn't the picture perfect cop, that he needed a self esteem boost (which I hope he gets in the story so his character grows). You roused my curiosity and I am interested in and care enough about Jim that I would read more.
Hope this helps. Remember, it is your story, this is only one opinion, so take what you need and leave the rest. The rating is based on the piece needing revising. If you would like me to review it after revision, I'd be happy to.
Best wishes,
Jane
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It has an easy flow and a good mix of sentence structures that kept it interesting for the reader. The phrase "I saw her again today." is repeated at the beginning of each paragraph but I didn't feel it was bothersome or too redundant. I felt it contributed to the MC's obsession, made it more apparent how much the MC's mind is consumed and haunted with thoughts of the girl.
The piece lacked a defined setting for me. I imaged this took place at a college campus but I am not sure as a specific setting other than "school" is ever indicated (I missed "school" the first read actually). I feel a more defined setting would say a lot about the kind of or the degree of obsession too (would add symbolism). For ex: A high school would indicate a crush to me, a college would indicate something deeper or a bit more sinister, the workplace...something crazy and freaky-a murder waiting to happen. 
I saw her again today. I’ve changed my mind. I’m not going to post the letter. I physically can’t post the letter. As soon as I get within ten feet of her front door, questions start invading my head. “What if she doesn’t understand?” “Will she laugh at me?” This letter is stupid. There’s no way she could understand how I feel. We are two completely different people. Two different lives. And how would she react? My heart would break in two if she laughed: I’d never be happy again. I hadn’t thought about how she would feel once she found out that she’s always on my mind. But without letting go of this part of who I am, I might never get the chance to tell her. And I know I couldn’t live with myself if I let this opportunity pass.
. As a newbie myself, I empathize with your lack of confidence in your writing and your ability to write. I question my writing at least 100xs every day. I think you are your own worst critic and you are setting yourself up to fail before you give it a fair chance. You wrote that you are 15 yrs old so... to sound like the mother of a 15yr (because I am one)... You need to cut that out right now young lady! There is a difference between being critical (having an editor's eye) with one's own writing -vs- having a self detrimental, set up to fail attitude about one's work. I understand all the wondering, insecurities, and anxiety one feels when first starting out and especially after posting their first piece(s) on Wdc. But you should not worry so much. I read the items in your port and honestly, you impressed me. For only being 15, you are incredibly gifted and have a very wise view of the world and people. I think WdC, if not the world, will be reading lots more of your work in the future. While your items are not perfect (whose are?), they are your works of art, a piece of yourself that you've courageously shared with WdC and I enjoyed reading them a lot. After reading this, I really hope you change your bio to reflect confidence in yourself and your writing. Because, if you don't like your work (and put down your work), why should anyone else like it or be enthused about it? I will be checking back to see. 
my head's been filled with thoughts
. That way, you can take what you need and toss the rest, for only you know what is best (and I didn't intend for that to rhyme, honest.).
But I am curious why Aunt Char was not mentioned in the very beginning. I felt she should be since it was her child/newborn that had been christened and her house that everyone headed through the snow to. 
The locals say there are four seasons in Upstate New York: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction Season -- 
But, this is the lore I was told when I was young, and it is the way I tell it to my kids.
. I am tempted as I have all the ingredients but... have lost 10#s so far. But will print this out and save it for when I reach my goal. 
.
)
purple Hyacinth=sorrow, king Protea=courage, dark crimson Rose=mourning, blue Violets=watchfulness, yellow Zinnia=remembrance.
(except to take my cookies out of the oven). I wanted to know what would happen to Tara, the dark pixie. Would she succeed?? Would her trap be successful?? 
how Tara, a pixy, was able to rent a condo, paint the walls, carpet the floor, and position a pony rocker. Poor lil' thing. 
). So...if Tara is full grown, why did she and how did she lure the child into the condo?? Did she become the child? I felt I needed to understand how Tara became the child victim and what the purpose for the child victim was if Tara was full grown. Can a pixy also be a ghost???