Very detailed. I am not always a fan of overly descriptive prose, but I enjoyed yours. You painted vivid picture of Adelia, the forest, and the Lizard-like monsters.
Though short and simple, your story had a beginning, middle, and an end. The fact that Adelia jumps off the cliff, to her likely death, says something about the untenable nature of losing one's liberty. A deeper theme than one might expect for the story's length. Impressive.
Perhaps this last point is a bit nitpicky, but because your style has a particular flow, I found the direct reference, 'the attendant molesting her' to be a bit jarring. Not the fact that she had been molesting, just the verbiage used. I thought 'nightly visits from the guards' worked much better.
Again, it is not my intent to be prudish, I just felt one description fit your style and flow better than the other. But, of course, take it with a grain of salt.
Good job. Nice to read a story with so much going on in such a short, simple package.
I enjoyed reading this. It starts off strong. "I remember the first time I saw you." You avoid a common flaw by getting right to the point. Automatically the reader knows this will be an intimate piece, and probably an romantic one at that. It grabs the readers interest.
At first, there is a lack of a connection between the two employees. But, again, because of the first line, we know something will happen. This builds tension. A very good thing.
It starts off so well, in fact, it is disappointing that we do not get an answer as to why he pulled away. (I am assuming this is based on your own experiences, so you may not have an answer to give)
As far as format, you will be better off double spacing between paragraphs, or at least indent at the start of each paragraph. It will be easier, and more inviting to read.
I would also suggest a paragraph break at "You say you want more." Because this seems to start a new idea. He is contradicting himself, backing away. The beginning of the end.
Typo: "THAN you back away." Should be, THEN you back away.
All in all, I enjoyed it. I have found that finding powerful, real life emotions can be great jumping off points for gripping pieces. I think you're on to something. :)
You chose an interesting subject to write about. The relationship we have with our parents is powerful. The main character realizing how much she took her mother for granted, and how much her mother loved her has great potential.
However, it is difficult for the reader to delve into the story because of the use of ALL CAPS. Proper capitalization and punctuation makes your text easier to read. The less work a reader has to do, the better they can absorb the material, and become emotionally invested.
Tension and change are essential to story. The mother preparing for her daughter's visit, then being disappointed is a good start to the story.
But the rest of the story is very straightforward. No conflict, no change, no tension. It might have been more interesting for the man to be nice to her. "You must be very special, your mother loved you very much." Something like that, then let the daughter can realize how much she disappointed her mother on her own.
Good first effort. Keep writing! :)
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