Nice Romaic story. I look when people find the person they love and they get married. I’m always rooting for people to get married in the books I read or the shows I watched.

Nice beginning
Nice ending

A retelling of when the main character (you as the author I’m guessing) of how you got married. Thought you did say you took creative licenses. Thought I was disappointed, that I didn’t see more action.

I wanted to read what happen on the date.

How you feel on the date and afterwards?
What happen at the end of the date?
Was there a good night kiss? (Maybe on the cheeks)
What were you wearing on the date?

I wanted to know what happen till the point he asked you to marry him?

How many dates did you go on?
How has your feels as you grew closing to each other?
What did you think of the way he asked you to marry you?

Cute, the boy wanted to ask her out, but didn’t know how to.

You should add more meat to this story. I want to know what happen between the time you went out on the first date, and events before he he proposed. You need meat to story for one reason, to keep readers reading. I had to go back, and I missed this part that I seemed to read over:



Since you are taking creative license why not change your webbing song to “Amazing Grace” or the opening song to “Joy to the World”

What year did this story happen in?
How old were you?
You married him 3 weeks later?
You dated only a few months before he asked you to married him?
What is TCBY?
You got married on Dec 25? (If I read it correctly)
Is this story about you?
What did your parents think of him?
What did you talk about on the phone?
What happen to the kitty?

I did like how he proposed. One less way I have to ask a girl to married me. I think it is interesting the boy was also afraid to ask you out or didn’t know how.

Remember these are just my opinions and suggestions.

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This is a great creative non-fiction story. It’s a tragic story, but it had heart and a point.

Hooked me
A good message about grief

This story is a sad tale about a puppy that died, and a mother’s love that crosses the boundaries of death. The mother (of the puppy) couldn’t accept that her puppy was dead. Thought, I assumed the mother understood her puppy died, she just couldn’t accept it. She was so shocked by grief that she guarded the dead puppy in hopes that she will wake up.

(Since I know you’re a Christian)

Now if we apply this to our lives, we can learn so much. We can not let our grief win over us. We need to trust (have faith) in Jesus. If we let sorrow and grief take root in us, we will not be able to move on in our lives. The bible says, sorrow not like those that have no hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

If you cave to your grief (and remain in it), then you are giving power to your grief-you because a slave to it. Over time you will stop talking to people, living out your lives, and you will lose your drive and passion to live. However, God is well able to heal you of your pain if you let him. In fact, he has already done it. You just need to receive it by faith.

In summary, living in ("in" not "with") grief is no way to honor God. Thought, I understand death can be painful, you should not become a slave to your grief and the sorrow people offer you.

Disclaimer: Just my opinion. And what I got out of reading your story.

Her baby was gone and she still loved her.

She just kept looking at me like she was wondering why I didn't bring her baby back to her like I had all the other times I had taken her out to feed her. It made me want to cry, but I tried to love and comfort her the best I could.

Then she proceeded to dare anyone to take that baby out of the basket again.

She loved her baby so much that even death wasn’t going to keep her separated from her little Lucy.

Maybe you can be more creative with the narration so the story doesn’t seem like a summary. I like to see more heart and emotion in it. You can add some more descriptive writing to pull your readers into the story.

Like what your house looked like.
What type of dog was Lucy?
What time of year this was?
Where did you put the box?
What did the box look like?
What sounds did Maddie make during your story?
Describe more about your feeling during these 3 days

I hope this helps.

Who is “we”?
What about the other puppy?

You right. Mothers can learn a lot from Maddie. You need to put your child first, a head of yourself. I think it is sad if a dog can show more love than a mother can to her children.

Remember these are just my opinions and suggestions.

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This story has potential; I’m not just saying that. It addresses important issues that young youth, such as you, should pay close attention too.

I’m rated your story 2.5 stars because it has some issues. Don’t think that means I didn’t like your story, but rating reflects much more than it. In fact, I enjoy your story which is why I spend so much time reviewing it.

Correct these issues:
Unintentional red-herring
Format issues:
Dialogue lacks probably narrative support
Brunt and quick ending
Possible Plot hole

See the suggestion section for my comments regarding those issues. The possible Plot hole is address in the last question of my question section.

Two things I liked.
A good hook
Your smart intelligent girl that doesn't back down

Final, I believe you did a good job on showing Rachel's passion towards righting wrong. She has the makings of being a leader one day.

This short scene showed Rachel talking with the vice-principal about an essay that she planned on submitting to The Point. Rachel essay addresses her teacher’s unfair treatment and bias towards non-Chinese students. The vice-principal only listened to Rachel to pretend to be objective, before giving his already planed suspension. His tone suggests he doesn’t care about Rachel’s issues, and only wants to keep order in school.

I found this story to be a red herring, because of the comment you address below your story. This comment suggests that the readers are incapable of understanding the true point of your story. Or you wanted to make very sure they did. If that is the case, I do have writing suggestions that may improve your story to bring force to the real purpose of your story. (See my Suggestion section)

The red herring was your story's main focus on Rachel’s essay that addresses her teacher’s unfair bias towards non-Chinese students, and her vice-principal attitude towards it. It ends with her getting in trouble for something that she has yet to do. This misleads or distracts the reader from the main point: Her rights were violated; not the essay’s topic.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_herring

Good foreshadowing. It is true. You want to know who is in trouble, till its your turn. Don’t think Rachel would think its funny next time.

After all, it's always fun to see who got in trouble this time, right?

This shows Rachel’s feeling very well. Its good quote, and I like it: She was like, Yaaaa!. [Clap, Clap]

Oh, wait. No. That won't work. The lady turns into the Teacher of the Year whenever someone goes in to observe." I mimic her. 'Oh, everyone, Samantha got a question correct. Let's all clap for her!' I wrote that piece to let everyone know what a horrible time people are having in Chinese class, and how poorly we are being treated as students."

These are just suggestions; do with them as you please, though I hope they are helpful in some way.


Fixing the Red Herring

Write a small scene where Rachel things about protecting or fighting for her rights.
Add a comment about her father or mother being a lawyer that fights for our constitutional rights or comment that references her parents constantly challenging the school board.

The Vice-principal could make a comment about her being just as much trouble as her father, or comment that Rachel's father is the person he has a meeting with. Rachel could narrative that she knows what the meeting is about: Her father is representing the student that refused to be searched.

Format Issues:

Your paragraphs should have spaces in-between them. This will allow for easy flow while reading. With so many lines, it’s hard to skip to the next one after about 5 lines. This slows the reading down, and restrict the flow of reading.

Showing and not telling:

I would add more tags around your dialogue to show what is going on, and how people are feeling. I need to know the emotions that she is feeling, or the expression on the vice-principal face. Is he setting or standing, at his desk, playing around with an object on his desk? Does he get up at some point? Show us what is happening while she is in his office, what she is feeling.

Brunt Ending

This paragraph transition is cold; it needs to be smoother with more narration from Rachel before the vice-principal speaks. Its just seems the pace quickly changes out of the blue. Then the story is over.

I’m not convent he will say goodbye. Maybe he would tell her to wait in the lobby till her parents pick her up. Unless he was being rude, telling her to leave now.

As Rachel leaves her vice-principal’s office she should reflect on how she is dealing with what happened, what she plans on doing next, and suggest or hint that she thought maybe she should have a right of free speech in school. Don’t want to make it to direct.




Other:

The vice-principal's note is a welcome distraction from the class.

I think The Point should be italicized.



I would supportive tags to the last sentence to highlight the fact he didn’t mean it.


"Yes. I had you sent home early that day so as to avoid further controversy among the students. I hope you understand that."


“yes, they did” and “Raymond is none…” I think it needs a better transition between these two statements. It is a dialogue and it doesn’t make since He would do that, unless he pause for a moment. But that is not how it is written.

I suggest that he ignore her comment and continue on with his conversation. It would show the same messages that “it’s none of your business”. Also, if he ignored the comment it would speak volumes more than had he say it. It will show that he doesn't want to address that issue and pretends not of heard it.



During Rachel's long rant, you can pause for a moment and add support narration to it. This can bring the story alive. Properly tagging around dialogue is key.



The last paragraph is not part of your story so it need to be have a “The End” or something that show the story ended. Like double or triple space.

Not sure what “at once” meant. Was that part of the note’s message, or was that all the note said, or did she stop reading after that part of the note.

After pinching myself, I force my eyes to look down and slowly read the note. "At once",

What is high school Chinese? (Is this Chinese language or Chinese culture?)

Is Rachel her first or last name? The vice-principal’s called her Ms. Rachel.

“Watch it, Ms. Rachel."

What is the The Point? (I think it’s the school newspaper.)


Important question. (Possible Plot hole)

The story is about Rachel getting in trouble after an essay is found during a school search of a missing iPhone? My question to you is:

Why would the security guards read her essay? He is looking for an iPhone, he is not spending time reading everyone essays, or what they write in their notebooks. Something had to draw his attention to read her essay.

If the school allows iPhones, then why didn’t Rachel just submit her essay electrically? If this is come type of school paper (I’m assuming), then turning in a printed version would be more work for the editor. The editor would have a table where S/he could read it from. I’m just wondering.

I hope your story is not true, but it seems somewhat base on real events. Now I’m no lawyer, but I do think the schools have a right to search lockers, but not your bags. But when you go to a courthouse, they do search for guns before you enter. If you don’t want to be search, you don’t bring in anything to be searched, or you don’t go in at all. You have a choice, but in this story, where was the choice?

I don’t like it when school administrations think they can violate the student’s rights just because they are children or young adults. They seem to think that children have no rights and stick to their black and white polices because it's easier than having to weight every situation and make appropriate decisions. Students need to learn their rights and stand up for it, though in the right and correct way.

Remember these are just my opinions and suggestions.

I do not want you to think I’m attacking you. I just want you to improve this story because it could turn into a great story. You wrote about an important topic that younger adults should care about. Good job.

They have no idea how they are losing their rights because they are not taught them anymore. Go figure! Your story kept me reading and wanting to know more. This is it? You have no more to the story?

So I hope my suggestions and comments are welcome and not taken a personal attack.

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I’m assuming this is true. It most takes a lot to tell your testimony. You have a lot of honest in this Biographical item. Even through all your mistakes God lead you back to him. Now you are using your past to help youths.

Honesty

God has a plan for each of us. It’s the best plan for us. However, sometimes we do take deters off God's plan for our life something resulting in unexpected consequences. We think we know it all—that being our attitude. But we are wrong. And if we don’t change our ways it will lead to death. We need Jesus in our lives because he has the plan.

I agree. Jesus cleanse us of all sin and unrighteousness. You never had it as far as He is considered.

In your last paragraph seemed to tell your history from 2009 to 2013. Perhaps you should split the paragraph at this point.


Maybe you can explain and tell more details about some of your events if you want to. Most of this seems too summarized. It’s ok if you want to summarized, but some section could use a sentence or two more information.

I see that you didn’t use any names. You could also use made up names and tell the readers you change the names for privacy.

Who old was your son during this:


Do you mean youth group


What did you mean by self-mutilation?
Many sentences seemed run-ons. I consider revising and expanded in some sections.

It is easy to find ourselves slipping from God. It only takes a day—one day not being in the Word. Sometimes we blame God and get angry at him. Even though God doesn’t put sickness on people to teach them a listen, He will use it if he can to bring you back to him. God wants you healed, not just physically, but spirally; as well as mentally Jesus died so you can be healed, so you can be prosper

I admit I found it hard to review a true story instead of the fiction that I've been doing, but I hope this was still useful.

Remember these are just my opinions and suggestions.

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Nice chapter. Thought it is more of a summary. I see great potential in this chapter. I can see it expand to reveal more of their past, and more about their relationship with each other.

Still Hook

The boy and sister team is now on their own. They only have each other to rely on. They can only look forward, because looking backwards would only hinder them.

I like close bonds. Right now I’m writing a story where best friends are very close. They feel the same way about each other.

         “We aren’t going to drift apart?”

Name her
Talk more about the Mom
Expand the dialogue during the walk; a good place for a flashback.
Tell us more about Victor

Through out your story you want to tell the reader more and more about those items I listed about (as well as other). You do not need to explain all of it at once, but over the course of the story choosing the right moments to reveal what is needed. Something you might restate a little about what you already say as you expand on it at a later time.

So how close are they? Maybe a back-story would be good.
In what areas will they drifted about in?
Why are they going to South Boston?

There is not a lot that I have not already said from the last two chapters, you can also take from those and also apply them to this chapter.

I do hope to read more of this story and learn more about these characters and the journey they are on. Maybe you introduce a new character; maybe an aunt on their mother’s side.

Their journey does need a conflict, which I assume you are planning in the coming chapters. By that is now they have escape Victor, they need a problem or something to overcome. It will be interesting to see what you have chosen. Maybe Victor tracks them done; they lose their money; or they are having trouble because they are under age.

I do remember my previous suggestions about changing their age and about them inheriting money. These are just other suggestions depending on how you choose to take the story. I’m sure it will turn out to be an interesting and enjoyable story. That being said I still suggest you address their age and the money issue.

Remember these are just my opinions and suggestions.

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Still a good story, but does need more revising, as well as expanding. There are some places that need clarification. However, the main points of the story are there.

Still Hook

They made there stand and got the courage to leave, something their mothers should have done long ago—took them away from their father. I’m interested to see how they will progress from here.

She finally escaped her father and is determined not to look back. This statement alone is a defending statement for the rest of the story.

They had no need to close their bank account. They could have had a major bank that allowed access anywhere. We have debit cards and many ways of transferring funds electrically today. Also note that anyone under 18 needs a parent on their account. So they may not be able to close it, and Victor would have drained it.

To register for school you need a parent unless they are emancipated.

They could also do online school like K-12. (A real online high school)

Perhaps you need to change their ages or rework how they got the money. How are they going to live without needing their parents to sign for everything.

Maybe they couldn’t move out till after they turned 18, because they had not saved up enough money to run away. However, if you change them to 18 (maybe twins) it would eliminate the underage factor and make the story more believable. Then they would be adults without needing their parents to sign for them.

However, maybe a grandma or someone else left them money in a will, and they couldn’t touch it tell after they turn 18. That is easier to believe then a teenager of 17 making $75,000, and her brother coming up with $10,000. This way they can have more if you want them to.

Maybe, they built a house, go to college, and/or get a good job (or run their own business). Then one day Victor finds them. Maybe something happens and he dies or gets hurt. Maybe he sues them for their money. Now the two siblings need to prove what it was self-defenses or who their father truly was. Would their mother testify for them or against them?

You can choose any amount for their will. Their inherencies could be very large or a more modest one. These are just story ideas to help you think in a new direction. Take them, modify them, or leaven them on the table—your choice.

If they got money from an inherence or trust then you don’t need that part of the EMT unless she wants to become one. Then it would be a passion, not out of necessity.



Like chapter 1 this chapter should be extended. You need to add more layers on to it. It will give you the room needed to answer the reader’s questions, and bring the reader more into the story so they can connect better with this charters. You want your reader to get to know them—they need to bond with them.

What is her name?
What is the year this story is taking place?
Where did she get the car?
How did they come up with that amount of money?

I find that this story is more of a summary, but still a good story. I know as a writer that I like to get my general thoughts of the story out and go back later and add more layers. Each draft you do should add more depth and reveal more of the characters and story to you (the writer) as well as the reader.

Remember these are just my opinions and suggestions.

Again, I like to stress that I’m only trying to help. I’m not trying to tear you a part or be mean. I think this story has great potential. I just wanted to bring things you may have not notice and suggest other ways of solving those issues.

I enjoyed reading your first chapter. It shows great potential, thought it need improvement, the core of the chapter is there. It’s a good summary that can later be expanded.

You hooked me

This is a good draft and I look forward to reading your other two chapters. I do wish there was more story to it—something to go in detail about so the readers can be with them through out their difficult journey.

I do think you have great potential as a wittier. The story concept is great and interesting to read.

I like have she is willing to suffer to help her brother and they stick together. That shows love and kindness where there should be none found in the household. It would be interesting to learn more about those two thought backstory in the coming chapters.

Add a line between each paragraph as if would make it easer to read.

Change Junior to 11th grade. Some don’t know that Junior refers to 11th grade. I had to ask my mom.


You should explain how she became EMT in a backstory or flashback. If she was 16 now she becomes one? Is she in training and she is only a intern?



I know that CPS or CWD isn’t perfect. It’s even getting replace here in Arizona, but I don’t think with all the evidence they were concluded that she and her brother is safe with there parents. They are train to spot signs of drug use and abused. They just don’t do a lot of follow up work. Sometime they know but can’t do anything because of red tape. Even a judge can tell most of time.

I suggest doing some research into how CPS and CWD works and talking with one of their agent. Tell them you are working on a story. See if they know scenario that will result in the same results you telling in the story. Or it could help you to improve your story. It just doesn’t see provable base on how much you wrote about her family life. It needs more support data in the story. Like if he is buddies with cops or judges. To me it seemed you took an easy way out: CWD didn’t do anything. It’s just lacking evidences.

However, it can be solved by doing the research I suggested above. And you may be surprised by what you learn and how it can improve your story. Maybe they can help make your characters even better by helping you learn about other people went through.

The evident of bruises and old bruises should suggest something by the courts or CPS.



This does not fit with Victor's personality. Having a lock would only enrage him more. He would have just beaten the door down, and it would have made issues worse.



Other Suggestions:
I suggest adding more backstory and flashbacks to this chapter.
Flashbacks when they were children
Getting the Job with the EMTs,
Time CPS came and didn’t do anything
Her easiest memories
When she and her brother promised to look after each other.

You also need more about who this brother is. What type of relationship do they have? I suggest clarify her relationship with her brother so readers don’t let their imaginations get the better of them. I’m assuming “that” is not that way between them. I say this because you rated it 18+ and said they shard a room. I know that being in a low income housing that there are probably only 2 rooms available. You just don’t want people thinking something is true when it isn’t. (I asked myself “that” question, so others might also)

What is her name?
What is Boston City EMS?
How old is her brother?
Are they twins?
Has her father done anything else beyond being abusive?

She refers to her father as Victor. This is good because it show they have no real relationship; that she doesn’t care for him or see him in anyway as a father.

Her mother is an enabler, which is common in these satiations. I wonder how you will process with her. Well she wised up and leaves her husband.