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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jsvan
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11 Public Reviews Given
29 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by J. S. Van
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am NOT a professional reviewer. I review from a reader-point-of-view. So,with that in mind, take everything I say as a mere suggestions at most.

First, I like the story. I really hope you finish it so I get to read it.

Character(s): I like Nate and I am not even sure why. We get to meet him, but know almost nothing about him other than he is an orphan and he hates guns and he has a 'gift'. But there is something about the way you write his dialogue and his inner dialogue that makes him personable. The voice of the girl. Not sure what to make of her. Very odd introduction to her and she revealed next to nothing about herself. A bit creepy, but that adds to the suspense of the story so don't change it.

Plot Development: Hmm. An orphan has a 'gift'. A supernatural gift that he has just discovered. Pretty kewl. I am wondering what happens from here. Was he really hallucinating? Was there really a girl communicating in his head? There are about dozen different ways this can go, all of them equally fascinating.

Flow: It had a nice pace. Nothing too quick nor too slow. It kept me engaged the entire time.

Depth: I think you could do a little better with the depth of the story. What was the view outside the window when it isn't raining? Was he glad the raindrops were obscuring the view? What did the room look like? How many kids were in the same room? What are their ages? How old is Nate? What's the name of the orphanage? What city/state are they in? There is no need to go into a lot of detail right away. But a little goes a long way when capturing a reader's interest. How do you get the reader to identify or relate with the story if almost everything is left up to the reader?
For instance, this last part of the first paragraph, " listening as each of them snored in an individual fashion." seems a little clinical or scripted. You could end it with snore. Most people with assume they don't all snore the same way and in unison.

Overall: I really like the story. It has tremendous potential.

~Van
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Review by J. S. Van
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
While fantasy is not my favorite genre to read there was something about it that piqued my interest. I'm glad I read it. It was a bit difficult for me to read/follow simply because it is not something I ever read. I believe for the truly dedicated fan of fantasy/scifi stories would have no issue following it. The storyline seems interesting to me. I liked it enough that I will be on the lookout for Chapter Two. The characters seem believable and there is enough backstory trickling in to paint a complete picture.

I give it 4 stars!

J.S. Van
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3
Review of Overslept  
Review by J. S. Van
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this story. I'm not sure what happened to the formatting so all the quotation marks and apostrophes become jumbled. That was very distracting to the flow. But once I convinced myself to those, I really ended up getting into the story.

You allowed the tension between these two characters to build more and more over the course of the story. Which thoroughly drove me crazy and I loved every second of it. I could feel the crescendo coming. I kept thinking to myself, 'read faster, read faster' so I could find out what was going to happen between them, but then I'd admonish myself to not rush it in fear I'd miss something and loose out. So when I said it was driving me crazy, I really meant it. I really liked the way you ended the story as well. It didn't end in an odd way as most short storied do. It is difficult to write a short story with a beginning that introduces all the players sufficiently without overdoing it, then a middle where the meat and taters really come into play and all the turmoil is brought out and then the conclusion brings everything together without making the reader feel like something is missing, or as if the writer forgot to write the last paragraph. Am I making any sense? In my head I am and hopefully I am a decent enough writer that you can follow where I'm drifting...

So, like I said the only part of this that I didn't like is the formatting issue. If you can correct that. This would be a 5 out of 5 stars from me.

You are a great writer. One in which I hope to read a lot more of.
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