I love the story idea. I was really caught up with the action until the ending. I thought it fell a little flat. To be honest, I thought the brother was going to turn out to be the water nymph. The dialog in the story is very good and realistic. My best advice would be to heighten the ending. Make it one that catches the reader off guard. A good job overall.
I like it. I must say I thought it moved a litle slow at the start but not really in a bad way. I was hoping for a little more insight into the crime and more detail about the crime scene. I did catch on to the chemistry and tension between Gillian and Brock. I don't know know if it was intentional for the tension to upsatge the crime but it works so far. I am interested in reading more just to see what happens between the two. When a reader wants to read more, then you've done your job as a writer. Very nice work. Clean, to the point, with good dialog and characters.
Very deep stuff and definitely food for thought. I can agree with some of what your say and I respect your perspective. I have seen and have lived with the results of drug use and know first hand what it can do to a person and to a people. I do hate the fact that my people sell poison to their own and don't realize how it affects us all; all in the name of owning a pair of Jordans or a nice ride. God forbid we humble ourselves and work a nine to five. It would be nice to come together for the common good. Nice Job.
This is a really good and entertaining story. I thought is started off a lttle slow and I definately thought it could use more dialog between characters especially in the beginning. Also the use of "you say" made the reading a little difficult . To be honest , I really did not understand the use of the term. But all in all i good story, it held my interest. and that is always a good thing for a writer.
This is a very dramatic and well written story that moves along at a very fast pace. I especially like the way it moves from the expolsion, to the hospital, to the recovery. This does however cut both ways. What I mean by this is that it doesn't really allow for the reader to get too close to the characters, because a lot of information from their/his experiences is left out. Also I would have liked to have seen a little more dialog to reveal the situations, and create a little more suspense. Other than that I think this was a fantastic piece of work.
Fantastic. You can feel the tension and the suspense in this story. I thought the way it was told second by second with the soldiers thoughts in between was genius. The action sequences are excellent and delivered with perfiect timing. There's not much for me to say as far as advice for this story, except keep up the good work. Congrats, a job very well done.
Really entertaining stuff. I like the way this story flows and manages to keep the readers interest with a light sense of humor throughout the story. My advice for you would be to double space between dialog, it makes for easier reading. Also in the first paragraph, I would remove the "a" before David Copperfield, it just slows down the reading, but that's just a suggestion. A very good job of writing, and a really entertaining story. Great job!!!
Okay I'll start with this. I don't really review many songs or poetry. I am a big fan of r&b and hip hop. It's a little difficult to rate a song or rap without some music behind it or a beat of some sort, but I'll say with the right music I think you're really on to something. I was especially impressed witn Adam's lyrics, Jakes were good as well however Adams ryhmes didn't seem as forced as Jakes(but only on a few like the cherry gum part). Jake I did really like your last verse it was a great close ot the song. Also just a sugestion profanity is the same in songs as it is in writing a novel, only use it when it is necessary to the story, to really make a point of drive home some sort feling or action. Good job and I think you really have talent, stick to it and remember always put you best work foward which usually comes from inside.
This is one of the best examples of a short story I have seen. I started off with the perfect mix of action, danger, and excitement. The use of dialog was exceptional, not only did it propel the story foward it revealed a lot a about the characters. Not once was there a boring moment in this story. GREAT JOB
Very well done. I must say that I have read a lot of fantasy and Sci/fi and I found this story so compelling that a read the entire chapter in no time at all. As the opening chapter it did its job very well by keeping the reader interested and introducing characters, as well as hinting on the plot of story. I would however, recommend you adding a bit more description on your characters especially Serena but on Madison as well. What do they look like? How old are they? Other than that I think you're on the right track. A very good job.
Okay let me start with this. The piece is well written and does give a good amount of background information, that's the good news, the bad news is that a prolouge, while it's good to have this background info, needs to be enticing to the reader. If this piece was a bit longer and had an inciting incident it would read a lot better. In other words give me hint of whats to come in the story but just a little, leave some mystery to it, maybe even a little action. Also check your spelling a grammar, there are a few errors:
Tenasions are risin- should be Tensions
Also:
They help to send invaders back to the place they have come from. It would probably flow better if you said:
they help to send the invaders back to the place they came from -or- the place they had come from.
Remeber these are just suggestions, and I will say this, I like the setting and the characters. The names of places and people fit very well with the genre.
Well I must say you have a lot of work to do here. First, you may want to reconsider starting of any story with the words "All you could" , this is just not very enticing. Now if this is a first-person story this might work. also rember to edit, edit, edit , and edit some more. good luck
I must say that I enjoyed reading this story and found it interesting enough to want to read more. I think you did a fine job on the plot of the story pertaining to quantum tunneling and I would think this would lead to some major incident later on. About your characters, I like Natalie, however I think she needs to be a little more defined, and what I mean by that is she's seems almost a little unsure of herself for being in such a high position in a secret military installation. I would think she would be a little more confident, maybe even arrogant, but that's just a suggestion. I thought "Wolfgang" was a very real charcter and seems to fit in well with the story so far. A few things you might want to look into. The first page of the story has several repeating words.
For example: Natalie sighed-- As she sighed-- Natalie sighed as she donned. These are repeated a few times on the first page.
You may want to re-read the first page and remove some of the "As she's" and re-phrase the words. Also You may want to remove some of the "sigh's" and have natalie "exhale a deep breath" or something along those lines. All in all I think its a good start to a very good story and I look foward to reading chapter two. Great job.
Wow, very compelling. Normally I don't like to read from a compter screen, I usually print and read, But this story had me so hooked, I forgot I was even doing it. Now let me say I love the characters, very alive and memorable. To me that is the most important aspect of a great story. There is the right amount of humor, suspense, and mystery. Let me also say there is the perfect amount of description, and dialog as well. A GREAT JOB.
Well let me start with the concept of the story. I thought it was good but it has so much potential to be excellent. In chapter 1, my thoughts are that you could have brought me a little closer to the charcter Nikki by opening the paragraph a little differently, maybe start off with something a little more dangerous or suspensful to hook the reader. I didn't really start to care for the character too much even by chapter 3, but I did become involved in Deanna's character. Her mystery man now that was a nice twist the way it was written. I got hooked when I thought her new man might be Steven. Also I would liked to know more about Nikki and Steven's past. What made it so bad that she had to run from state to state. Is he a Psycho, or just a possesive man? I think a little more danger and suspense would put this story on the bestsellers list. A fine start to a really good idea.
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