I enjoyed your story and how you began it with don't do this but if you do this and then continued it.
I think that you seemlessly tied together what seems like two totally unrealated stories. Your descriptions of the journey to the Alder struck me as very beautiful with just the right amount of detail and obscurity.
The moral of the tale is very beautiful and I almost felt myself transported to a an old room with huge hearth looming over me as I listened to a master storyteller weave their tales.
This I thought this was a masterfully done follow up to your first story on Torrance. It was truly a 'page turner' for me as the story picked up.
I liked how you introduced more about Torrance and her most trusted co-workers seamlessly, and without inturupting the action. Little details like the fact that Torrance needed a new keyboard all the time etc really brought Torrance to life for me.
The only thing I would suggest would be to make the transition from the boardroom silent alarm and bomb explosion to Torrance walking down the hall a bit more smooth. Also I thought working more descriptions of the building into the story would be helpful to the reader to better picture the fighting.
Thank you for the great read and I cannot wait to see what happens next!
Kaliko M.
This was really incredible story and sucked me in from the very beginning. The character of Torrance really intrigued me and I like that you gave her flaws up front.
I also liked how you showed her as a mother as well as a hard-headed business woman. Also the addition of the guard dogs for the children really prepared the reader for the end, because if her kids have bodyguards, then Torrance must have some vile enemies.
I caught one mistake, "Torrance was willing to loose money to keep control of her company." Loose should be lose, a slip of the finger I thought.
Other than that I have no suggestion and I can't wait to see more on Torrance! You have a fan here!
Kaliko M.
I was throughly impressed by this poem. The use of images such as 'and how we can stitch together/our hopes and dreams/and run our finger/along their seams' as well as the kama sutra and red rover, each time subtly changing it and taking it futher was truly an incredible thing to watch progress.
The only things I would suggest is spacing and punctuation. Placing spacing in the right spots would not only make this poem visually easier to read, but can enhance different moments within the poem by calling attention to them through spacing.
As for punctuation, it can help break up the poem better as well as give your readers more visual cues as to where important images etc are.
Thank you for sharing an incredible poem!
Kaliko M.
I was very impressed by your story and the concept of the split heavens. I also liked how you wove Clayton's history into the piece without disrupting the flow.
I didn't see anything grammarical, but I did kind of wonder why Gabriel seemed to be in charge of the 'Muslim Heaven' and Michael in charge of the 'Christian Heaven'-I thought that might be an interesting addition to the story.
Overall I think that this piece is masterfully done and I enjoyed it very much!
I am intriguedd by the newest replica and was very excited for the main character when he found Elle, but it seems their paths were only to cross for a short while. I find it interesting that they landed in such different towns but it makes sense, this journey is tailored to those who take it.
A few things I found:
“I’ve never left the building before, “ he said scared.
the " is out of place, just a spacing issue there.
“Oh, it’s bizarre all right, “ I said smiling.
same problem as above.
Boy, could we ever,” said one of them that was working on the bottom of the structure.
This sentence felt a little awkward to me, might want to look at it again.
I am enjoying reading your story and thank you for sharing it!
Kaliko M.
I really enjoyed this story and found it to be a very well done retake of the Wizard of Oz. I also liked that instead of a tornado it was a Hurricane that brings the main character to this enchanted place.
I thought that the story was very well done and that it truly transported you. I spotted a few areas where I thought it might be improved a bit though word choice, etc.
"From the cobbled sidewalk beneath my feet that weaved through the hunched brick buildings of the town surrounding, to the landscape beyond, which laid across my vision like a loosely placed veneer, all things sparkled at their edges."
I thought lay instead of laid might work better here.
"They were all crowding around the far end of the house whispering frightenly and covering their mouths and eyes with their hands."
I thought that you could substitute a different word for frightenly because it kind of trips up a reader.
"The townsfolk scurried in every direction until it was just the Witch and I, who had a foreboding look on her face."
Maybe instead of who had a foreboding look, maybe a forboding look brewing across her features or somethimg like that?
"I new then it would be the ride to end all rides."
New to Knew, I'm sure it was a slip of the finger, happens to writers everywhere.
Those are just a few suggestions, feel free to ignore or to use.
I can't wait to delve into the next few chapters! And keep writing!
Kaliko M.
This is truly a experience that all writers can relate to and that is what I love about it. Although our characters may not take over our screen, they do haunt you.
I loved how you use the picture to really enhance the idea of the blue screen of death. Also, building in your writings and characters was really great and using their existing traits as part of the story was also really interesting.
I just caught 2 small grammar errors, nothing that inturrupted flow or the story, and they are kinda picky so feel free to ignore it.
in this sentence:
If you don’t continue your story about my wife and I, you will regret the day you refused this demand.
The I should be me because I would not work with out "wife"-ie your story about I
and here:
I thought, sniveling like the coward I am, If the itching continues through my body, my poor knees will be defenseless against the tickling.
I don't know if you are going for another sentence or if you just wanted to differenciate between the inner thoughts but if probably should not be capitolized.
Again, just some little stuff I saw, feel free to ingnore.
I really enjoyed your story and I better get to working on my characters, lest I see the blue screen of death!
I really enjoyed your story and the promise that it displays for the future of the storyline.
I really liked that you dropped us into this world and very quickly established a few storylines that we will be able to see unfold. I was fascinated by why the little baby had to have some kind of surgery on her ears. I also liked how you illustrated the maternal protective instincts.
I have a few suggestion that I think might help improve this story. The first is Spacing, it was hard to read it all smooshed together and I know that some readers might be turned off by the spacing issue.
Also I caught a small error, "She herd his body hit the floor" should be heard. Probably just a matter of missing a key.
Last, a few sentences struck me as a little stiff/odd sounding. these were, "damn these pompous dresses" and "they reached the queen's chambers with no inturruptions along the way." I thought that both these sentences could be reworked to sound more natural.
Other than that I though that this was a great story and the first chapter shows alot of promise as to where it could go!
Keep Writing!
Kaliko M.
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I really liked the ideas behind this first chapter and hope to see more!
I thought that this really read more like a summation of a story or the genesis of a story than a first chapter. So much happened and we did not interact with any of the characters. It was the narrator telling us about Dulac.
I would love to see the rest of this story. I thought that the whole story is probably not fully formed, but most ideas come out that way! I think that perhaps starting your book with Dulac's jousting and weave his backstory throughout, then when he becomes the king's bodyguard you can follow his adventures.
I think that this was a great genesis of a greater story-and I hope you follow it's thread, you have me waiting to see what Dulac.
Keep on writing and I can't wait to see what you do with this idea!
Kaliko M.
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I really enjoyed reading this poem, it really speaks to the possibilities of life. It is that question of what could be?
I thought that the image of the oak tree whispering the possibilities was very truthful and that the whole idea of this life untaken, existing only in the realm of forgotten possibilities was really beautiful.
I did not see anything that I might suggest to change.
Thank you for the continued great reads!
Kaliko M.
I really enjoyed reading this and like how this series of short stories, poems, etc lead the reader on in the search for Lisa Lansing.
I didn't catch any thing to change in the poem, but in the introduction I found this part wierd, "when the owner of the home noticed the briefcase leaning against the center live-oak tree of five live-oaks in the yard in October of 2004."
I thought that the live-oak part was unneccesary, because I assumed that the oaks were alive. Otherwise I though that the whole introduction was very well done and you are doing a great job creating this series!
I really liked this story so far and was intrigued interested right away by Natalie and what she does. Your story shows alot of promising paths that it could take.
I can't wait to learn more about Kelly, Lieutenant Gregory, the Colonel, and David Westmore, as well as what will happen to Natalie.
I thought a few things could be changed, but they are small and deal mostly with flow.
The first thing that I saw was that in the dream it says 'looking on in helplessness' I thought that it could be changed to 'they looked on helplessly.' For me the line 'looking on in helplessness' did not seem to flow as well.
The second change I would recommend is that as Natalie walks away from Kelly and she calls to her that could be followed by an action such as, 'Kelly called as she picked up her papers.' or something like that. I don't thing it is critical, I just thought that it is something you might want to consider.
I was intrigued by your title and was even more impressed by your use of logic and theories to talk about why God can't be disproved.
I also liked how you introduced the ideas of the Naturalist and the Supernaturalist and then used a concrete analogy to show why a naturalist cannot apply their empirical theories to God.
Although I did not understand everything yet, you have given me alot to think about and ponder.
I've read a few of the Lisa Lansing items and really like the jigsaw that you provide for your readers. I really liked this poem, and found a few things that I thought could be change.
In the first line the addition of up to 'from the ground up seems to distract from the line. I thought that it might flow better without up.
Also, in the second verse, I thought that the last lines could be played with a little more because they felt a little stiff to me as I read them.
Other than that I loved the poem and will continue to read about the mysterious dissappearance of Lisa Lansing.
I thought that the overall basis of your story was good. I thought that the ending left a little to be desired.
Why did they smile? What did she do?
Maybe something like,
Then someone smiled.
And she smiled back.
And they smiled at her silly story.
They told her her hair matched her eyes.
etc.
And then she relized she was talented.
She began to like her hair.
and continue it on from there. While I get that you are trying to point out the importance of one smile, I also think that is important to show that the change from not liking to loving herself was more gradual and she realized these things about herself, brought about by a smile.
I really liked this piece and thought it was very well done. I liked that Bridgette slipped away slowly and it was not just a typical party girl, but a smart kid who went 'bad.'
I also liked that you talked about the mother wanting to be her friend. In many of the cases I have seen similar to Bridgette, the mom's did just want to be friends with their daughter, not their parents.
Some little things I caught were the phrase 'calmness between us' seemed a little wierd, so you might want to reword it to something more like, 'I missed the quiet relationship,' etc.
Also, I think that it would be good to mention in the end how long Bridgette was gone, perhaps when you mention there being no burgular alarm. Maybe you could link her having the baseball bat to Bridgette leaving. I would reccomend this because I was a little confused at the end.
I thought it was interesting how you deconstructed the poem and really did it well. I find it hard to deconstruct my own work so I was impressed by this.
I liked that in the poem the evil that they talk about is not clearly fixed or views itself as necessarily evil. Because I don't thing evil sees itself as evil. I also liked how you pointed out the difference between malevolent and evil. I think that is an important distinction. I am also fascinated by the Wind that the poem spoke of. I have a sneaking suspicion what it could be, but I will have to see.
No major problems I saw, and I can't wait to see more entries about Lisa Lansing!
I really liked this take on the wizard of oz type journey. At first you had to kind of get into the world, but one you did it was really interesting. I especially liked that the main character kept finding copies of himself with exaggerated bad qualities. I found that both amusing and informative at the same time.
I caught a few small things that could be changed, mostly wording things.
In the preamble (prologue?) I thought that in the 4th paragraph, this 'bowed inward the front door.' could be changed to something like, 'and bowed the front door inwards.' Again, nothing that interferes wit hthe story, just something that I thought didn't flow as well as it could.
The second thing I caught was in the first chapter, 'I stepped into a dream that was placed before me in stop time.' I thought it was a little awkward and I thought you might change it to 'I opened my eyes to find my self in an alternate world, frozen in time.' Just a small thing I thought could be changed.
Other than that I saw no major problems and enjoyed the story very much!
I thought that the imagery was superb and the idea was really exciting. I was actually disappointed there was not more!
I caught a few small thing that I thought could be changed.
"she took a deep breath and said, with all the strength that she could, cried out, “Mnaha, ley ut Fhey.” And then died"
I thought this could be changed so that you don't actually say 'and then died', you could change it to be something like, 'and with her last resevoirs of strenght she cried out the final 4 words of her prayer, "Mnaha, ley ut Fhey."' just because the 'then died felt awkward and seemed to slow the pace/distract from the mood.
Other than that, I can't wait to see what else there is behind this story and anything else you write!
Thank you for the wonderful poem, I cried at the end...
I think you capture the emotions of being the person who mourns extremely well. No matter how much you tell yourself that your loved one is in a better place, you still want them back. It is just human I suppose, to want them where you can hear and see them, and they you.
I also think that you really captured the final goodbye very well. Sometimes it is so hard to just be there, knowing you are expecting the end, which I think you captured well when you talked about not being able to look at him.
Thank you very much for sharing your poem, and I look forward to reading more.
An incredible story! This story really grabs you by your heart and drags you into the life of Jonathan. From the father-son relationship to the Jonathan finding his own talent, to the eventual and tragic ending, each piece of the story is rendered so incredibly...
Jonathan's story struck a real cord with me and it will with many, many people.
Great! I loved the image of Minna encouraging you in that cat-like way. I also enjoyed the fact that you took into account all of the stories you have written and kind of tipped your hat to the relationship you've had with Writer's Cramp.
For me, the end didn't seem to flow as well as the rest, but the parts about 'Minna's critique' I thought, worked really well. I was cracking up at the idea of the cat just happening to have a fur ball situation as you finished...that is just priceless...
Another great Sci-Fi story! I love how you open the story in a small scale, focusing on Kal and his team, and as the story continues, the world gets bigger and bigger. The story gets bigger with out losing the intimacy with the main character.
I also like the descriptions of Kal as this very kind of cool operative kind of guy. Also, the name of his security coordinator is great! Who wouldn't want a strong arm named Stern.
The way you weaved in the backstory was very good as well and did not hinder the movement of the story as backstory sometimes can.
I also like the crook turned 'straight'-kind of. ;)
One thing I would suggest is to try to work in more description of the weapons and technology; much as you did for the bench press. I thought that that part was fascinating and provided more depth to the world without effecting the pacing (the pacing was spot on!). I would use that section as your model for describing the technology.
Of course, you don't have to do it for everything, but it would be great if you can work it in in places you can; or, I don't know if you want to do that later in the story.
Thanks for another great story! I'll be eagerly awaiting the next part!
Kaliko
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