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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/karate.chic19
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6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Break Up  
Review by JC
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Rawrpal15! I'm JC! I noticed you want some input on your piece and I would love to help!

Overall: This piece is well written. The audience (or reader) can really relate to your emotions and how you saw things. I do belive that you can make this piece look and sound way better and I have some advice to help you do it!

Grammer & Spelling: My thoughts and suggestions are in green.

"... your name, in till that small..." "in till" should be "until"

"...you became sad and did'nt understand," "did'nt" should be spelt "didn't"

"... with my friends what happened that night..." There should be a comma between "friends" and "what" so the reader knows that it isn't ment to be connected directly (if that makes sense)

"... get over
you
said and what you ment..." "...you said..." instead of the way it is just for the appearance.

"never broke
up
that night..." Same thing as the quote above.

One other thing that I had noticed is that everytime you used "I" it was not properly capitalized. That would be one thing I would change if I were you!

My Advice to You:
In order to make this piece easier to read I would suggest putting it in a poem format (it seems like thats what its supposed to be anyway). By this I mean everytime there is a pause, such as a comma, try making the next into a new line.
If you did this the first few lines of your poem would look like this:
"I was talking about you and I never forgot your name,
until that small night in my house,
you became sad and I didn't understand..."

If you didn't notice I also took a line and broke it into two lines to make it flow better! Of course you do not have to do this but I do recommend it!

I hope you will fix those errors and even take my advice. I would love to look it over again when/if you do change anything, so just let me know!

Thanks! *BigSmile*
JC
2
2
Review of He Cannot Breathe  
Review by JC
Rated: E | (3.5)
wow this poem was written very well! i am very impressed by the amount of emotion that you put into this poem. as a reader you can feel the same things you were feeling at the time of his death. it is very easy to tell what you were thinking and follow your train of thought! very nice job! :)
3
3
Review of Our Reflection  
Review by JC
Rated: E | (4.0)
i found this poem very realistic. i agree that a lot of people (more than we think) dont like what they see when they look into the mirror. i love the message you are sending out through this poem. i very much enjoyed your use of rhyming too. :) keep up the good work! :)
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