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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kariejeanne
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I LOVED THIS! You took me to a place I've never been before (I'm a white middle class mother of 2 living in Michigan). Your descriptions are amazing--meaty and juicy. As I was reading, I was wondering: is this a first draft? If it is I'm jealous--all my magic is in the rewrite. I'm a newbie too and I'm definitly feeling intimidated by this piece. This comes across very clean and rich. I know you were writing a memoir, but I'd say this is definitly a stand alone piece too. It ends right where it should, looking up at the sky. My advice would be to finish it, polish it up (not too much though) and send it in to an essay contest or magazine. IT IS THAT GOOD. I was kind of comparing it to segments of books I've heard read and reviewed on NPR, the descriptions are so rich. I had a little confusion over the portion with the bike, at first I thought the guy stole a car and you took a ride in it or something. I had to read it through a second time before I figured out it was your bike he stole. I'd like to hear a little more about that, about how you earned money to fix the bike or whatever. More development of your time w/ the bike. But that is mostly curiousity, not necessity. I see and feel this 17 year old and his life and surroundings and I'm transfixed! This is great. Good luck to you! Karie :)
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