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Hello Nixie Martell cheerleader .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Whispering Walls"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

First off, as a Grade A wimp, I have a reputation for avoiding scary stuff like the plague, so hats off m'dear for pulling me in with your title. I think yours might be the first of this genre I've ever read on this site! I hope my ignorance of the genre doesn't do you a disservice, but I will endeavour to comment as usefully as I can. So, how did you pull me in? Well, the super use of alliteration embellishes a title that provokes many questions for the would-be-reader. It is short, subtle and inviting. Great choice! The teaser line isn't so much a teaser as a statement of fact, and this neither compelled or repelled. The title alone was enough to pull me in.

How do I feel about the characters?

With anything slightly super-natural (I do enjoy mystical and fantasy), I feel the skill is in balancing a lot of 'deliberate unknowns' with enough 'detail' whilst not ruining the twist, scare or mystery. This story left me with some uncertainty about Flint. There were hints about his background and the voice of his subconscious (made manifest) did assist a little, but overall, I was missing a bit of 'meat on the bone'. Although the overall motive became more clear towards the end, I think I'd have appreciated some inner turmoil or some snapshots of what was running through his mind from the moment he awoke to the moment he arrived at the house. It all happened a bit quick and 'disproving the myths' didn't have enough gravitas for me to fully buy in to his motives or his pursuit. Clearly he had a strong motive, and you didn't want to give that away, but I suspect a greater sense of his inner torment / battle would have helped me to go along with the scenario a bit more wilingly.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

Overall, I felt the character and his story might have benefited from a little more time and space to develop. I also got a little lost in the middle when Flint is in the house. This might be a deliberate move on your part, keeping the reader in a confusing, muddy place, but, for me, it was almost a little too muddy. Perhaps this is more due to my lack of exposure to this genre, so I'll leave it with you to decide whether this feedback helps or should be discarded.

Having said that, for me one of the stand out moments in this story was the repetition of the talking walls, wind etc. That was pitched and delivered to perfection. Every word in every sentence crept slowly across the space, even the visual presentation of those lines allowed them to have a maximum impact for the reader. Honestly I thought this was a superb bit of creative writing and it is technique I will remember for the future!

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

Some confusion is great in order to keep the puzzle unsolved until the end. Having said that, some of the energy I put into trying to pull together the pieces left me feeling that I missed out on the inner conflict and the imploding fear of Flint. Perhaps a little more time spent drawing out Flints anxieties and sharing those with the reader might help with that?

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

One of the strengths of this piece is some of the subtly with which messages are conveyed. Some of your showing is absolutely super. For example: "Kathleen tapped her pencil"and "His stomach soured" These are lovely, lovely examples of showing us emotions and building tension.

Outstanding questions or issues:

There were occasions when I struggled to determine whether I was in the narrative or in Flint's mind. It could help your reader by identifying his thoughts in italics. For example, in this next section, the sections in pink feel like they could be his thoughts whereas the section is green could be narrative and reworded as 'there were seventeen of them but no room thirteen...'

He pushed away the implication, strode to the staircase and began his climb. Thirteenth room not always there. My mother's bones. He set off down the hall, counting doors. Seventeen of them, but no room thirteen. This is preposterous. Rooms can't vanish and reappear. He returned to the staircase and counted again. Eighteen rooms. One extra. Thirteen is here.

I felt as though you were trying to communicate something in this sentence, but I couldn't work out what it was: "wondering why the number came so abruptly" Given that he has selected 13 all the way through, I couldn't quite grasp what you were getting at. Was it expelled involuntarily or was his voice emotional?

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

It didn't bother me in the slightest, but another set of eagle eyes might be more picky, so you could go back through and look out for Friday 13th, Friday the 13th and Friday the thirteenth and decide on one consistent method of presenting this important date to your reader.

There was also a small typo: "Which room would like to visit?" I think the word 'you' is missing.

With this next two sentences, I wondered if something had been missed as the section doesn't quite make sense. What do you think? "Thirteenth room not always there." and also "My mother's bones." My apologies if I've missed something.

"Seventeen of them, but no room thirteen."I don't think these are two independent clauses therefore I'm not sure they need a comma to separate them.

One last final query, which I'm not 100pc sure of, but I'll mention just in case: "The fear in Kathleen's eyes was stark. Not theatrics to garner customers." My query is whether the second sentence works on its own as an independent clause, or whether there should be a comma and it should be considered as part of the first sentence?/c}

Overall thoughts:

Well, for my first foray into this genre, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I was left with plenty to think about, and I've enjoyed going back over this story whilst writing this review. Thank you for sharing your work here on WDC and for giving me the opportunity to explore a new genre and discover some new techniques!

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello IdaLin Thank you for sharing your writing here on W.D.C. Today, I'm delighted to take a look at "Unexpected Gift"  as one of my member-to-member reviews for March.

In this review, I share my feelings about what I read. My observations are made with the best of intentions, but please remember that they are just the thoughts of one enthusiastic reader. Feel free to disregard anything you find unhelpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

Short, simple and it 'does what it says on the tin'. I wonder whether it might be possible to hold on to the mystery a little more by just calling it 'The Parcel'? Just a thought!

How do I feel about the main protagonist?

There is something very gentle about her. Her words and her movement are all very low key, subtle you might say, and this made me feel kindly towards her from the start. I'd like a little more detail, just a few token additions to give me that bit extra to get a hold of. Maybe the colour of her slippers or the repositioning of the glasses she keeps on a chain around her neck...something that makes her even more appealing and also a little more concrete.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

I wondered whether the on-going use of dialogue with her cat slowed the pace a little. I'm not sure, and you may completely disagree, but there were a few sections where I felt the dialouge didn't feel quite so genuine, like they had been added for the purpose of communicating something with the reader as opposed to something that would naturally flow from the character herself. For example, in this line here:

"Miriam opened her letter-box with her key, and exclaimed, "Look here, Liza! We have a key in our box. That means we have a package. Wonder what it could be?"

I wondered whether the same messages could come across just as effectively (and perhaps in a more action oriented manner) without having to resort to conversation. For example:

'Opening her letter-box, she reached in and retrieved a small, brass key. She let it sit in her palm a moment. Who could have sent a package? With no obvious answer, she opened the nearby parcel box and extracted..."

It's just a thought. I'm sure you'd come up with something far more convincing. Perhaps the key / parcel box aren't even important to the overall storyline? Either way, I do understand that the chat also adds to add to the sense that Miriam doesn't have anyone else to talk to, so I'll leave it with you to contemplate.

I have one further thought that popped in to my head after the third read through and it is to do with words...the number, value and impact of them in a piece of flash fiction. If there was a word limit on this piece then it becomes even more important to make each one count. In this section:

"The disdainful glare of another resident at Liza following closely on Miriam's heels went completely unheeded. Miriam had noticed the young woman's scowl, but she merely smiled and said, "Good morning, Elizabeth."
The cat stopped, its wide-eyed gaze following Elizabeth up the stairs. She quickened her pace but kept looking back until she rounded the stairwell, and Liza turned and caught up to her owner. "

I found myself wondered what this little scene added to the overall story. Was it essential to the story? Did it add to the mystery? Did it show me an important facet to Miriam's personality? Did it build or create emotion? I'll leave those questions with you as I may well have missed something subtle, so , again, ignore these comments if you disagree.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

Ahhh, I had a wee lump in my throat when I realised the letter was from the man she lost to battle, especially when I realised she'd already lost a husband. I already felt a fondness for the character , and this nicely timed reveal helped to seal those feelings.

Thoughts on the ending:

I thought the pragmatic response seemed quite fitting. I could imagine her not getting too bogged down in the 'what-if's, and seeing the silver lining. The way she turned to her cat at the end also seemed fitting. Nicely wrapped up.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

The story itself is simple and lovely. It definitely has potential to be quite the tear jerker. When I tried to think about why I didn't quite get the emotional impact that this story is easily capable of, I came to the conclusion that, for me, it was because the emotional moments might have benefited from a little bit more time to breath. I appreciate this is a piece of flash fiction, but that almost makes it even more important to get those messages as strong and as powerful as possible. The three moments where I'd have loved to feel the emotion of the moment a little more were:

1) The anticipation of finding and opening a parcel. How did that feel for her? What does anticipation / excitement look like to a woman who doesn't get parcels and packets?

2) The shock of the date and the contents. Could she perhaps pause in shock / find her hands shaking / her chest tightening as she reads the opening words 'Dearest Miriam' and realises she recognises his writing?

3) The sense of well-being, peace, acceptance that ends the story. I would have loved the emotions of that moment "they sat that way for some time" to linger a bit longer, though I have to admit...I the last sentence. The tone of 'An old woman and her cat' was perfect!

Are there any technical issues I want to query?

Watch out for repetition. It doesn't bother some readers, but I noticed these two examples, so I thought I'd mention them.

"Wrapped carefully inside the paper was a smaller box. She carefully withdrew"

"Miriam opened her letter-box with her key, and exclaimed, "Look here, Liza! We have a key in our box." I'm not sure whether the first 'key' is needed. I'll leave that one with you.

My overall thoughts:

A gentle tale which makes great use of the prompts given. Thank you for sharing this short story today.

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello JamieLynn .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "RELATIONSHIP RANT"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

Well, the title actually made me smile because I've certainly voiced my own fair share of rants in my time. Truth be told, I continue to rant now. It is a good way of detoxing the mind of all its frustrations. As far as your title goes, it is short, honest, accurate and to the point. I think of the word 'rant' and imagine a tumbling mass of emotions that needed a voice. That is pretty much what you have here.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

I have to admit that the pace and flow, for me, was hindered largely by the presentation of the article itself. The large, singular block of text made it hard for me to absorb the different messages contained within the words. I felt that, because the words hadn't been given the visual space to breath, then I struggled to allow the depth of the sentiment behind them to breath.

Monologues can have a profound impact on an audience, but it is as much about the delivery as it is about the content. Imagine this being read on a black, empty stage. The audience is waiting for something profound, unique, but when the person walks onto stage they look at their boots and drone on, monotone, giving nothing but a one-dimensional list of words to the waiting crowd. That is a bit like how I felt when I first saw this piece of writing which is a shame because some of the content, when I got to it, had the potential to provoke discussion and thought.

So, what could help? Well, simple things like breaking the block of text up into paragraphs would certainly make the whole piece more palatable. It might also encourage a few more people to read and review it. I almost moved on to look for another, more appealing looking piece, but I remembered that you'd specifically requested this item be reviewed, so I dug in.

You could also fine-tune a few of the sentences a little. Perhaps there is more flexibility in sentence construction when it comes to monologues especially if the writer is the one reading it out loud. After all, the writer knows exactly where to place any emphasis, but if you imagine for a second that someone else might be reading this out loud then your role as the writer is to try and make that read as meaningful as possible. Run-on sentences (if you're interested, here is a link to a good article about run-on sentences: "Running into Run-On Sentences" ), and sentences that seem to start mid-way through (look at the number of sentences that start with 'and', 'because' or 'but' as examples) make a readers life more challenging, and thus, you might lose your reader before you've really had chance to communicate with them.

For me, the flow was also hindered a little by misspelling your v you're. In several places, I noticed the use of 'your' (your hat, your home, your opinion) when I think you actually mean to use 'you're' (you're getting old, you're going to be late, you're tall for your age). For example, I pulled this one out of your monologue:

"if your just honest and open..." I think you mean:

'If you're just honest and open...'

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

In this piece the narrator shares her thoughts on relationships and love. The narrator writes with passion about a subject that seems to evoke a lot of personal emotions, memories and ideas. In this respect, the words strike me as genuine, honest and as the word 'rant' implies, very much 'shot from the hip'.

This monologue is full of emotion, and if I had to try and pinpoint what comes across strongest, I would opt for frustration. It has a sense of speaking from experience yet still recognising the inability of others to see the world in the same way, but this this is just my personal impression.

In terms of my emotional response to what I read. A lot of the content was weighed down in 'rant', but what stood out for me from very early on was the following phrase:

"There's a difference between liking how someone makes you feel and liking them."

For me, this is a lesson is takes many of us (and I include a younger version of myself in this) far too long to learn. Low self-esteem often muddies the waters. You go on to try and make this point though, for me, again, the clarity of the message gets a little lost on the rant.

Overall thoughts:

I believe you requested feedback that focused on the impact of the words. My one lasting thought is that a 'rant' perhaps undermines the integrity of the message. If you are genuinely looking to make an impact with your words, then a rant may not be the best way to do that. A rant is, however, a great way of venting. I guess it really depends what you want to achieve.

So, thank you very much for sharing your writing. I hope there are some elements in this review that are of use to you, but if not, please feel free to ignore the lot!

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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How did I come across your piece?

You made a post in the "Invalid Item" , and I thought I'd take a look.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

I have a thing for one word titles. I love them. If the word is right, it can really hook a reader in. I can't say that I fully understood the connection between the title and the poem, but I tend to struggle with abstract concepts, so perhaps I am missing something more subtle in your writing. My one suggestion, if you wish to keep this as your title, would be to use a capital 'W' and add question mark. It might add a bit more weight to it.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

I'm not great at interpreting and engaging with poetry, but for me, there were a couple of places where I tripped a little. One was at the end of line two which ends with the word 'there'. Even if there was no intention to make these lines rhyme it felt like a rhyme that hadn't worked. My suggestion would be to find a word that either rhymes completely or sounds totally different to 'light' at the end of the previous line.

What I liked:

I liked how you describe love as being without rhyme, reason or prejudice. You don't use those words. Your message is softer, but it works just as well.

Outstanding questions or issues:

I didn't get the connection between the first line and the rest of the poem, but like I've said, I don't always pick up on some of the subtleties of poetry.

Are there any technical issues I want to query?

"It knows no face just want it is.." In this line, do you mean 'what' rather than 'want'?

"It can not be changed only felt " I wondered whether you might need a full-stop at the end of this line?

"boy form girl..." do you mean 'from'?

My Overall Thoughts:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on love. I hope my comments were in some way helpful. Feel free to ignore if not.

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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How did I come across your piece?

This is review 3/3 as part of your winning bid in "Invalid Item" . Thank you for inviting me back into your portfolio to read and review "Invalid Item" 

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

My over-riding feel is that the title doesn't do the concept of your story justice. This story is about the living meeting the dead, crossing the veil that exists between distances, past love, present infatuation and the promise of something even more mystical. I'd be tempted to try and weave some more of this super-natural mystery into the title. Something that a would be reader just couldn't ignore.

How do I feel about the main protagonist?

I found her very, very interesting, but I really need to know a lot more about her. This short story is, once again, brilliant as a concept. I just adore the theme you have running here, but I really felt like I missing the whys and wherefores of this character. I definitely need to know her better in order to connect with her in this scene. What has driven her to this, Why would she think it would work, How does she know of such things? How does she feel about this dark art she is dabbling in?

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

I think the content of the story generally unfolds well. If I was to critique anything, I would admit to feeling as though their meeting, in the field, was fast-tracked. I want to feel their connection grow as their conversation grows. The idea that they might meet again in another year came totally out of the blue. I didn't feel that much of a connection between the two that would make me think she might miss him and/or visa-versa.

There were a few sentence structure issues which could smooth the overall flow a little, but I've touched on these later.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

I suspect there is more to be told to this story. As it stands, without any serious conflict, it is perhaps a little linear. I.e they do this, then this, then this. A bit of trouble, conflict or tension diverts the characters and the reader. It allows us to see what's important and what isn't. If you choose to revisit this story, you may want to consider developing this element a bit further.

Thoughts on the ending:

I like the idea that they'll meet again, and it leaves the door open for expanding the story even further. Like I mentioned earlier, it came as a bit of a surprise, but I imagine by letting characters breathe a little more, this 'surprise' would instead become a hope or even expectation.

Are there any technical issues I want to query?

I'm not sure about the change in POV part way through. I stumbled because I had to reassess my interpretation of what I was reading. Was this her story, his story or is it an omnipresent narrator? If it's the latter, I have little experience of writing in this way, but I have read somewhere that it is considered good practise to tip your reader off that the POV is changing. Whether this is done by changing chapters or breaking the text up with * * *, I'm unsure, but it might be worth looking into.

I've touched on this before, but watch out for superfluous words. In this next sentence, I wonder if 'some' is necessary: "She thinks with some cautious excitement and releases the breath she's been holding."

With this sentence, I think the message got a little lost towards the end. It doesn't quite make sense: "Minutes turn to what seems to eternity, and when she finally dares to look up because all but two of the candles have flickered out unexpectedly..."

Someone recently advised me to watch out for wording that sounds passive or slows down the pace. In this sentence: "There's a man standing before her..." I wonder whether something like "A man stands before her..." is a little more dynamic? What do you think?

My overall thoughts:

Once again, I thoroughly enjoyed the theme you have behind these stories, and I just this line: "Her hair reminds him of ice-cream." The image remained with me long after I'd finished my first read through. This gift of communicating with your reader is a special one, and I really hope you get to expand on these and maximise their potential.


Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

Kx
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How did I come across your piece?

This is review 2/3 as part of your winning bid in "Invalid Item" . Thank you so much for the allowing me to read and review "Ring Master Guide"  today.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

If I'm honest, I really didn't quite understand the title. I may be missing something, but what is meant by the term 'guide' in this context? I was curious about the Ringmaster, but I wasn't sure what to expect.

How do I feel about the main protagonist?

I think she may be one of the more fascinating, exciting and intriguing characters I've come across. I felt as though I was in a surreal, eerie kind of trance as I read more and more about her. She came to life in the most breath-taking manner. The only thing that takes the shine of this multifaceted character are that some of the sentences describing her almost go a little bit too far. Take this one: ""Perfect" she thinks with a wicked half smirk, half snarl on her face." It's just a little too much because I'm trying to picture the mouth doing two different things. You could try '...a smirk distorts her face but her eyes remain callous and cold...'

I can almost imagine this character and her story being serialised. There is so much potential for further plot development. What is her background? How did she come to be a collector? What role did the circus play in her life and death? And that's before you even get started on the stories of the souls who made their deals. Great stuff!

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

I was thoroughly engaged with the whole idea here. The only areas I stumbled on can be addressed by some careful editing for grammar and punctuation. Some of the areas I spotted which might improve the overall readability have been mentioned further down.

There is some great rising action in here, and I wonder if a little more could be made of the climax as the soul is collected. Perhaps a greater opportunity to delve into what it means to have it collected or even more of the back story for the young (old) woman herself?

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

I wonder whether more could be made of the conflict between the soul to be collected and the collector, or perhaps some past internal conflict could add to the sense of tension? Great conflict and some sort of twisted resolution could provide a great basis for a compelling sub-plot in this type of story. What do you think?

Thoughts on the ending:

Sinister and thought-provoking. The description of the decorative face sounds like the collector I met in the previous story I reviewed. I definitely wanted to understand more about how these events are linked.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

I'd love to see this area expanded on a bit more. The character and setting cries out for more vivid imagery. If you could weave more lines like my favourite, "scent of impending rain clung to the violent winds like the finest lotion on skin", this story could be mesmerising. I SO love this description. It may not be everyones cup of tea, but it really worked for me. My only comment, is that the 'lotion' image is used again further down and it doesn't work quite as well the second time.

Outstanding questions or issues:

I'm not entirely sure what this next sentence is trying to say. What is it that she 'vaguely acknowledges': "The woman...vaguely acknowledges as she approaches the old and rotting "circus graveyard" a menagerie of decayed equipment."

I also felt as though this worked well written in the third person from the perspective of the collector. Mid way through, we start to hear the young girl's thoughts, and this just didn't sit quite right. I wonder whether it should etiher remain as it was, or you could make a clean break and change POV to the young girl and expand a little more on the world as she sees it? Just a thought.

Are there any technical issues I want to query?

Here are just a few examples of reoccuring themes:

I suspect you have a comma splice in this opening sentence: "The evening sky was heavy with rain laden clouds, the occasional flash of lightning made the field seem more abandoned and ominous than it already was." I believe the comma here should be a full stop as what you have here is two distinctive sentences.

I wonder if the word 'either' might help this sentence become a little clearer: "The simple wood post and barb wire fence was either rusted and broken, almost broken, or missing in places altogether."

Here you have two independent clauses separated by the coordinating conjunction 'and'. In this situation, the 'and' should have a comma before it: "The grass and weeds had grown up to at least knee high, and the scent of impending rain clung to the violent winds like the finest lotion on skin."

Watch out for changes in tense. The opening paragraph is past tense, but the opening sentence to the second paragraph changes to present tense with this one line: "Walking up the rusted rail cart steps, she pries the semi-open door open further."

There were several places where you used quotation marks, and I didn't feel they worked quite as they should. For example: ""moving circle"" and ""circus graveyard"". I wonder if this might work in just italics. The use of "" makes the reader think someone is saying those words, and I don't believe that is the case.

Watch out for excessively long sentences that lose there way / meaning a little: "The colors of the decorations, and lights from all the candles lit in the cemeteries and lining the streets and window sills, the hammering of the work men building alters and mock coffins, children and adults dressed as devils and ghosts and various creatures, along with the puppets and pinatas becomes almost painfully overwhelming."

My overall thoughts:

I think you have the making of something incredible here. I love how much thought you've put into your characters. When you write about them, I can tell you really know them. Good luck in developing this series further.


Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

Kx
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How did I come across your piece?

This is review 1/3 of your winning bid on package #13 in "Invalid Item" . As suggested, I'm taking a look at "Dames of the Dead Beginning Story " . Thank you so much for the allowing me to read and review this today.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

Blimey! I thought it was a corker or a title. Thought provoking, imaginative, compelling, original, and it made me very, very keen to find out more.

How do I feel about the main protagonist?

Other than the role she has to carry out, there isn't really sufficient information to get a handle on the MC in this story so far. Her observations are made without reaction, so I can't even guage whether she is moved by her surroundings or not. As this is described as the beginning of a story it perhaps isn't surprising that so little has been shared up to this point. That said, I am most definitely curious about her, and the detailed image of her face was fascinating.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

I've made a few suggestions below about how the readability could be smoothed out. Other than this, considering it is such a short piece of writing it was certainly engaging. I think the concept, the character and the setting felt very exciting and mysterious. Those qualities kept me interested.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

The conflict isn't yet established though the potential for it is hinted at in her role as a collector of souls.

Thoughts on the ending:

Firstly, it didn't feel like an end, it felt like an opening, and this has to be a good think if you are considering expanding on what you've already written. I did question the reference to another day and a half of waiting because an earlier comment ("she stood waiting in the shadows for halloween to begin"), made me think that her participation was imminent.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

I always answer this in terms of how I reacted to what I wrote. I feel as though I was lacking more engagement (between me as reader and the MC), and this could be achieved by giving us a greater sense of her reactions to her surroundings.

In contrast, the earlier description of the children which was then contrasted with the distinctive markings on the face of the MC worked really well in giving me a slight sense of unease. It hinted at innocents unknowingly tangled up in something darker, and I definitely started to feel a little on edge.

Are there any technical issues I want to query?

This is a piece of advice I was given very early on, and it really does help tighten up a story. Look out for redundant or superfluous words. Words that perhaps repeat what has already been said or slow the pace down. If you look at this sentence: "The festival of the dead preparations had only just begun." The word 'only' doesn't contribute anything, and the sentence might even sound more dynamic without it. What do you think?

Ditto with this sentence: "As she walked through the village streets treading softly." The word 'as' doesn't feel quite right. Starting with 'as' normally requires some sort of follow up or event, for example: 'As she walked through the village streets, the clicking of her shoes shattered the silence.' Do you see the difference? In your sentence, the 'As' almost doesn't make sense. You could drop it and the sentence actually reads a lot smoother. It's up to you.

I'm not sure the following makes sense as a sentence: "Hidden in the shadows and candle light." Perhaps if it was tagged on to the previous sentence it might work?

With this opening: "Of the time of year when being apart of the living world became slightly..." Do you mean: It was the the time of year...?

In order to maintain your readers interest and give the read a bit of variety, you could consider a different way of opening these two consecutive sentences:"There were the yells and taunts...There were the women singing..." For example, you could try something like: 'Children hunted for candy skull vendors and pinata makers, shouting and taunting each other as they ran past, oblivious to her presence.'

My overall thoughts:

This is a brilliant opening idea for a story. A bit of t.l.c. on some of the more clunky sentences, further development of the main character, and a meaty story-line (which I suspect you already have up your sleeve) could all pave the way for a cracking good novel.


Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

Kx
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How did I come across your piece?

I was hunting for another story, and how could I resist the title of this one? The title hinted that there may be a few smiles along the way, and I wasn't disappointed.

How do I feel about the main protagonist?

I didn't have him pegged as the older brother. Comments led me to believe he was a friend, and that's no bad thing. The affection Theodore showed at the end was a heart-warming contrast from the mild frustration I sensed at the outset. Both of these are classic sibling feelings, and I like that you used them subtly without telling us straight off that they were related.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

This story was just SO much fun, I bearly even noticed I was reading something. I've read it several times now, and each time I spotted some bearism that I'd missed on a previous read. It just goes to show how easily our eyes will read what they think should be written and not what IS written.

I would say that after my fourth read, I started reading it and emphasising, in my mind' the bear related words. that emphasis didn't hinder the flow though, it just added to my own amusement!

Thoughts on the ending:

It left me with a smile. A lovely end to my day.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

What I like about this short story is that you aren't calling on your obvious talent for language and imagery. You are telling the simplest of stories and letting your natural story-telling charm mingle with a super sense of humour to create a smashing little story. Emotionally this piece isn't deep and meaningful, and yet it still hits the mark on two counts. It has that sense of brotherly indulgence (which as a sister to 4 brothers, I can relate to) and it has the smile factor. A priceless addition to any story.

Outstanding questions or issues:

I feel like I'm being picky here, but I did wonder whether the word 'listening' helps or hinders the flow in this next sentence: "Listening, he could hear the hard driving beat of "Eye of the Tiger"..." We already know he's listening, because the 'racket' woke him up, and then again we learn he can 'hear' the beat of the song. That's three repeats of the same message. Perhaps, you could try something along the lines of:
"From somewhere nearby, the hard driving beat of "Eye of the Tiger" broke the usual hush of the forest..." It's a very minor point, and I'm sure your choice of words would be far more fitting if you chose to make an alteration. Over to / Up to you...

I do wonder what kind of mood you were in when you wrote this. Where did this quirky little tale come from? Whatever the inspiration - I love it!

Are there any technical issues I want to query?

Nope. Nothing I noticed.

My overall thoughts:

I couldn't have asked for a sweeter shorter to end the day with. I've been enthralled by your writing so far today, Ken. I've read an emotional heavy-weight and an entertaining light-weight. What waits in store for my next visit...I wonder...

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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How did I come across your piece?

You have a lot of poetry in your port, but I'm always drawn to stories. The title of this one appealed because it seemed to address your love of poetry and my love of stories.

How do I feel about the main protagonist?

Sarah, and the situation she finds herself in are all too easy to understand. A young woman struggling to acclimatise to a world in which her rock is absent is a subject choice that most readers will relate to. The loss of anyone special rocks our world, and Sarah daily routine with her coffee pot wreak of 'functioning' rather than 'living'.

There is something very normal about Sarah. My instinct was to look for a twist or an unexpected facet to her character, but each line painted the same constant picture, and I felt almost reassured by her realism. The scene where she chat's to the tree and then to her dog helped me feel affection for her because I can relate to those whacky things I might do and say when no one else if watching.

Her epiphany at the end is an emotional and spiritual one, and as she became aware, I felt a sense of peace that her world was going to be ok. She had found her answer and also her way through. If I was going to suggest anything, it would be to illustrate the contrast (in terms of how she feels emotionally at the outset) a little more. I've noted a couple of ideas for this down further into the review. Please don't think I'm saying this story lacks emotion. It doesn't. I just feel that there are a few moments at the outset when we could perhaps be shown her feelings a little more.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

This story was akin to enjoying my favourite sustenance - chocolate. Smooth in tone and flow, rich in colour and content. The pace was even and gentle. I didn't feel agitated, irritated or anxious. Instead I felt coaxed along on a short journey of discovery. The language of a master poet is evident in this work, and I think this works well because the 'tone' you created suits the daughter of a writer who then goes on to discover her inner muse herself.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

I wondered whether the remembered memory of not understanding her fathers comment could provoke the tiniest hint of a reaction? A sort of, will I ever know kind of moment? Again, I don't think this is missing from the story, it's more a thought on how the story could be explored a little more, if you wished.

Thoughts on the ending:

Subtle, poetic, stylish and stunning. Nothing more to say.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

Gosh, you can tell you are a poet. You paint some beautiful pictures with your words.

"The image faded as the sun diluted the darkness, revealing the first touches of spring staining the hills in uneven verdant streaks." - Oh that I had the creativity and vocabulary to create something so elegant and thought provoking. This is gorgeous imagery. I can see this scene in a heartbeat.

This too, is wonderful, perhaps even my favourite line in the story: "his smile weaving in and out of shadow as windblown leaves cut patterns in the sunlight." Stunning imagery.

"A soft whine from Ben pulled her back. "I know, boy. I miss him too." - I wondered whether this could be an opportunity to really communicate her feelings with the reader a bit more? If it was accompanied by a physical response of some sort? A deep breath to refocus her attention, crouching down to scratch his ears, shaking off the threatening onset of tears or a lump in the throat? Just a thought!

"usually in some song he was writing, she grinned to herself." - I felt as though she was almost a little too quick to 'grin' and 'laugh' in this scene. I can't help but feel that her feelings would be more wry, melancholy, tinged with something a little sadder. I felt as though this sadness cuold be felt just a little more in order for her and the reader to really feel that shift at the end. Does that make any sense? What do you think?

Outstanding questions or issues:

There were a couple of word choices where I felt an alternative might blend with the mood a little better. See what you think:

"she muttered out loud at the sight..." I wondered whether 'out loud at the sight' was necessary? It felt a little like the author commenting and not a natural part of the Sarah's flow. We already know she's looking at the tree, and it's mentioned again in her next sentence. just a thought.

"she saw a calendar" - I had the feeling that the coffee making was a ritual, and everyday occurence. The use of 'saw'made me wonder why she 'saw' it today and not yesterday? I wondered if 'noticed' might address this query, because when we're in the thick of grieving sometimes we notice and sometimes we don't.

"Its radiance seemed to cover the small chip on the rim and the faded logo on its side" - Something about this doesn't quite sit right with me. I think it's the word 'cover'. Maybe consider: 'The chipped rim and faded logo were lost / went unnoticed / were hidden by...' Or perhaps, it's more that 'the radiance' is a little too effusive? Perhaps you could try the reverse of what you have here and make moreof the chip and faded logo? By that I mean, they could be a feature remembered with fondness? They could provoke a memory?


Are there any technical issues I want to query?

I wondered if it might make the read even smoother (and it is already pretty darned smooth) if this internal thought was integrated a little more naturally into the story. For example:

"Returning to the calendar, she wondered, Why didn't I notice this before?" You could try something like this:

"She turned her attention back to the calendar and frowned. Why didn't I notice this before?..." OR

"She turned her attention back to the calendar, wondering why she hadn't noticed..."

My overall thoughts:

Thank you for teaching me a new word today! 'Hoary' is a new one on me - and I love it. It's got such texture. I can really picture the old dog with that lovely new word.

This was an absolute pleasure to read. You writing has a natural rhythm to it which makes it almost irresistable. I felt carried along on a wave. Thank you so much for sharing your talent.

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello Attitude Dude .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Invalid Item" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Wanna Kiss You"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

It has a casual, youthful tone to it, and it made me smile as I remember those important moments from my youth. I say that with a footnote - it REALLY wasn't THAT long ago. I certainly wanted to read this poem, so the title did its job.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

I enjoyed the development of the story in this poem, and the sense of reassurance being offered to a vulnerable and insecure partner. The pacing works and I think the theme develops well.

For me, the flow was hindered a little by a change in style part way through. For example, the poem opens with a contemporary, mature kind of feel:
"Your eyes tell me your story, Tell me that you are tired of being lonely..." and then the tone changes to a more casual one with the following:
"I wanna kiss,
Wanna kiss you on the lips" I think it is the use of the word 'wanna' that changes the tone. Neither approach is wrong or right, but I do think that consistency plays a part in keeping the reader in the moment with you.

On a similar note, in some places you use 'lemme' and in others 'let me'. It might be worth reading this and deciding what the overall 'feel' of this should be, and then tackling the poem line by line to ensure your words and messages are in keeping with that.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

I don't read or review a lot of poetry, but I know that sometimes I read a piece, and it comes alive for me. It does this because the writer uses imagery which sparks my imagination. If you were looking for an area to develop your poetic talent then appealing a little more to your readers senses could really make all the difference.

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

"I have come for your rescue..." Should this be 'to your rescue'? I wasn't sure quite what you intended.

"Give you a hug,lift you of your feet," I think 'of' should be 'off'

"I knw you are waiting" Small typo - I think you mean 'know'.

"Somtehing,all your life" Small type - I think it should be 'something'

"Pour in happiness through mouth,drink out all her blue..." I wasn't sure whether a word was missing. Do you mean 'through her mouth'?

Overall thoughts:

I wanted to share my favourite line with you. In the following, I think your rhyme works really well without being twee:

"kisses kept are wasted, Love has to be tasted" The words felt really spontaneous and in the moment. I loved them.

In addition, I think you have captured some great moments here, and you have the making of a super poem. If you can work on connecting with the reader a little more, this poem could really evolve into something great..

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello Noahftm .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Invalid Item" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Don't give in to the temptation "  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

It works, and it does tell the reader exactly what to expect, but I wondered whether a shorter, simpler title might have a bit more impact? For example: 'Temptation' or 'Don't do it' etc. Just a thought.

How do I feel about the characters?

I really warmed to the narrator here. Not because of what had happened in the past, but because of the inner resolve that kept him/her from repeating a past mistake. We make mistakes, we pay the price, but sometimes we get a second chance. I love that this poem is about appreciating that second chance.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

Poetry is such a personal thing, and I wouldn't for one second pretend to 'know' what does and doesn't work. However, for me, a few things hindered the smoothness of the read. They were as follows:

"She looks at me with those eyes. Begging me for just one kiss." I would be tempted to put these on two separate lines.
"I've been in this position before, it's all coming back." This is actually two sentences, so again, I'd be tempted to punctuate with a '.' and put them on two separate lines.
"I've been in this position before" I did wonder if this felt a bit wordy. Your call, but a suggestion is 'I've been here before'.
"A sick deja vu of what i once did" I think the 'i' needs to be 'I'.

Thoughts on the ending:

I really love the last two lines. They are beautifully simple and yet incredibly strong. Such a great choice. Excellent writing here.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

I like the reference to 'candy' as it fits with the title. I did wonder if a little more positive imagery in relation to the girlfriend might add a bit more depth to the poem.

Overall thoughts:

I don't read or review a lot of poetry. I prefer stories, but this one did capture my attention, and I think that's because it felt real and honest.

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

                                                                                                                       


Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon

Thank you for sharing your writing here on W.D.C. Today, I'm delighted to take a look at "The Presentation"  as one of my member-to-member reviews for March.

In this review, I share my feelings about what I read. My observations are made with the best of intentions, but please remember that they are just the thoughts of one enthusiastic reader. Feel free to disregard anything you find unhelpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

As a title, it probably wouldn't be enough to entice me to pick it off a shelf. Your story is quite dynamic with a touch of humour whereas the title perhaps sounds a little flat in comparison. I couldn't come up with much myself , but here are a couple of suggestions that popped in to my head: 'Ride in the Park' and 'No quitter'?!

How do I feel about the main protagonist?

Oh, she is amazing. If I had half her sticking power, I'd have finished editing that novel by now. . I am amazed that she kept her resilience in spite of everything the day had to offer her. Every time an obstacle appeared, she found a way around it, only faltering when her mode of transport failed. It was as if, getting that bike gave her that final edge, and she pushed her way through everything else in the mindset of a half-crazed mad-woman that would not give up. No matter what.

The only thing that I questioned was how she described herself as 'compulsive'. That kind of character needs a REALLY good reason for sleeping in, and I found myself thinking back to the 'why' on several occasions. It just didn't seem likely that she would firstly hide from the encroaching light and secondly not have set two alarm clocks. I'm not saying it couldn't happen, I just wondered whether the reader could have a convincing reason for it?

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

This was one eventful read. Dynamic from start to finish, poor Meredith (great name choice BTW) went from one disaster to another, and it was impossible to not remain engaged with her endeavours.

Thoughts on the ending:

I kind of had an inkling that this might happen. That's not a problem, but it is always nice to be a little surprised at the ending. I'd have been more surprised if she'd gone into the room, and received the same introduction she had in her dream...and then woke up for real, in the dark, with plenty of time and the phone buzzing! Still, I have to concede that the ending made me smile. The missed text was a perfect example of Fool's Law - isn't life just like that sometimes? YES IT SO IS!

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

There are some lovely examples of showing in this story, and Meridth's internal dialogue adds another level of tension (and humour) to this delightful read. If I was going to suggest one small addition it would be to show a little more of that half-deranged moment as she hatches a borderline suicidal plan to ride to work in rush hour in a pair of stiletto heels. I think it has great comic potential: "A desperate thought suddenly surfaced in Meredith's mind..."


Outstanding questions or issues:

I've never yet managed to break a heel on my shoe. It does happen, but the idea that she 'tore' her heel off to match the other one made me pause for a moment. Of course, anything goes in story-world, but I did wonder whether it might be more in keeping with her mood, and also a little more realistic if in fact she thwacked it off the toilet door or something? Oh, how pedantic am I sounding.

Are there any technical issues I want to query?

There was nothing I noticed.

My overall thoughts:

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Merdith was an entertaining and sparky character, and it was easy to engage with her and wish her only the best. The only reason this falls short of the 5* is that I would have loved more of a surprise at the ending, for me that would have made this perfect. As it was, it was a super read, and I wish you the very best with your competition entry. I revisited this prompt several times and came up blank, you, however, came up with something lively and fun. Nice going!

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello Pat warriormom

Thank you for sharing your writing here on W.D.C. Today, I'm delighted to take a look at "Choices (((under construction)))"  as one of my member-to-member reviews for March.

In this review, I share my feelings about what I read. My observations are made with the best of intentions, but please remember that they are just the thoughts of one enthusiastic reader. Feel free to disregard anything you find unhelpful.

Initial Thoughts

Wow! This is one strong, hard hitting scenario for a story. It has an emotional appeal on so many levels, which for me, makes it all the more compelling. Three POV in one short story is a lot to 'pull-off', and I think this story just about does it. Each character has such a unique POV that, as the reader, I accepted the frequent shift-changes more readily.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

Short and Simple. I was curious as to what those choices were. If anything, I suspect the title underplays the content of the story a little, maybe something a bit more hard hitting would give the reader a better sense of what is to follow? Then again, your title did it's job just fine, so I'll leave it to you.

How do I feel about the main protagonist?

Well as there are three main POV, I'll touch on the impact each character had on me.

Mrs.Johnston - Her perspective feels a little clinical, but she appealed to me in spite of that. I can't say I liked her, but I understood her. She has the voice of reason. She lists all the reasons which justify her own opinion about where Cassie's best interests lie. She bases her decision on what she sees. Logic plays a huge part in her assessment of the situation, and I feel that the emotional implications seem a bit less important to her. It is hard to disagree with her, and even though she sees the love Cassie's foster parents have for her, the hard edge to Mrs.J's character leaves me feeling that although this might well be the right answer for Cassie, it is also a 'case solved' answer for Mrs.J. Is it best for Cassie, or is it best for her?

Miranda - Recognises the logic, but is driven more by emotion. Her own background plays a significant part in her thinking, and she recognises the long term implications of severing the emotional connection between mother and daughter. She is the voice of hope, she understands human nature, and she sees the risks, but she still has hope. There is a softer facet to her nature. Her history grants her a little empathy from the reader, though it does bring into question her motives. Is her solution best for Cassie, or is it a salve for what she is missing in her life?

Susan - A complex character that I personally had the most trouble accessing. I suspect that is because although Miranda understands addiction, I don't. I wondered if this was something that could be explored the tiniest bit more so that it is easier to empathise with her as a Mother with an addiction? If Susan really is desperate to have her daughter back, for me, that desperation didn't really come across as tangible feelings. Susan's motives are questionable too. Does Susan think Cassie will be better off with her, or does she just want her back for her own needs?

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

It's a highly engaging story, and I felt the level of tension maintained throughout no matter which POV I was experiencing. My only suggestion to improve the overall flow, would be to separate each POV with a tell-tale 'break'. I've seen some writer's use a carriage return, followed by *** and another carriage return. It just tips the reader off that something significant is altering in the story. In this case, the narrative.

Thoughts on any conflict:

The conflict is superb, and it resides in the undercurrents that run between these three women. Their different opinions on what is best for Cassie place the reader right in the heart of the conflict. The root of the story forces the reader to assess what is best for Cassie because these three women each have such different opinions and motives. I love that the conflict is not straightforward. There are strands of complexity running through this story and the reader has to ponder what they think, feel and believe.

Thoughts on the ending:

This is one of those stories where the 'right' outcome is almost impossible to determine without a crystal ball. To that end, although I was the tinest bit frustrated, I also understood the decision to leave the ending unresolved, and I think it shows remarkable insight and talent on the part fo the writer to do this. Whatever the outcome (in real life or in this story), IS this type of situation one that can EVER be fully resolved? Probably not, and I think the writer demonstrates a depth of understanding here that the reader can only appreciate with the ending as it is.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

For me, the emotional content is already established with the subject matter. It's impossible not to feel something for the situation these women are in. If I were to think about how this story could be expanded, it would be to shift the reader from engaged observer to engaged participant. At the moment we see and observe these women and their opinions. The next level would be feeling what their situation. I know you're awesome at this from your poetry, so forgive me if this is a bit like 'teaching your Grandmother to suck eggs', but as an example, you could take the following:

"Mrs. Johnston sat in the courtroom, waiting for the judge to return from lunch. He almost always took longer than everyone else. As she sat there, she wished she had chosen a cooler dress on this hot Alabama afternoon."

and show the reader how this feels:

"Mrs Johnston mopped the back of her neck with a crisp, white handkerchief. The temperature in the courtroom was oppressive, and not for the first time, she wished she'd chosen a thinner dress. Perhaps a drink would cool her down a little? She took a sip and swallowed the tepid water in disgust. Nothing could escape the suffocating heat on this hot Alabama afternoon. Drumming her fingers, she glanced at the clock on the wall and an irritated sigh broke the temporary silence...

Not great , but I'm sure you'd come up with something far more engaging.

Outstanding questions or issues:

I did wonder whether the internal dialogue was necessary. Sometimes, if it doesn't sound 'just right', like something that would just spring into one's mind, then it can interrupt the flow a little for the reader. For example, in the following:

"It was obvious to her that parental rights need to be terminated. “Just get it over with, so Cassie could begin her new life. Put all this chaos behind her and forget about it. She’s just a baby; she’ll adjust fine to the Pattersons. They are good people, and they want a baby so badly.”

This could be expressed just as easily without feeling restricted by the need to make it a realistic yet 'unspoken' voice. For example:

It was obvious to her that all parental right needed to be terminated. She couldn't understand why Susan was here again today. Why wouldn't Susan just give-up and do the right thing? Cassie deserves a fighting chance with a family that loved her. She's just a baby; she'll adjust fine to the Pattersons...

Did I make any sense there? I hope it doesn't sound uppity! It's just a thought that popped in to my mind as I re read a few of the internal dialogue sequences.

Are there any technical issues I want to query?

Because of the number of female characters, and the three different POV there were a couple of places where I didn't easily recognise 'who' the subject of my attention should be. The use of three names in the next example, plus 'her' and 'she' meant I had to re-read it a couple of times to be clear who was referring to who:

"At that moment, Miranda, Susan’s social worker, came into the courtroom, running late, as usual. She had been Miranda’s supervisor for seven years, and she knew Miranda sometimes had a soft spot for the parents of the children in foster care. It was irritating to her..."

I did wonder whether this next line was a local turn-of-phrase or not. I would have used the word 'open' not 'opened', but I'll leave that one with you:

"Even the breeze from the large opened windows was warm."

My overall thoughts:

This is a fantastic story, and it undoubtedly has the potential for a far bigger story. There are so many questions posed in this one short story:

What happened in Miranda's past?
How did Susan get to be where she is today?
Who are the foster parents and what difference have they made to Cassie's life?
Where is Cassie's Dad?
Why is Mrs J. so dour?
How long has the case been running for?

and the most important one...

What happened to Cassie?

This could be an awesome story to revisit one day. Let me know if you ever do!

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello NickiD89
Thank you for sharing your writing here on W.D.C. Having been the recipient of several of your reviews, today, I'm delighted to take a look at "The Sound of Consequences"  as one of my member-to-member reviews for May.

In this review, I share my feelings about what I read. My observations are made with the best of intentions, but please remember that they are just the thoughts of one enthusiastic reader. Feel free to disregard anything you find unhelpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

Wow! This one carries some clout, to be sure! I couldn't pass on this one. It called out to be read. Superb choice for a title.

How do I feel about the main protagonist?

Ricky has a really well defined character from very early on. Likening himself to (and even raising himself above) God, gives the reader a pretty good sense for his mind set, but the following line seals the deal:

"Ricky looked back at her. “No s***,” he signed back."

Attitude central! I love how much is said in so few words. Similarly, his resentment and jealousy of Wendy's brother is communicated in the simplest manner:

"She never showed that much enthusiasm for Ricky, no matter how much he wished she would."

So in just a few short paragraphs we learn that Ricky is cheesed off with God and cheesed off with life. The chip on the shoulder is well and truly established.

Ricky isn't an especially likeable character. His 'glass half empty' perspective on life felt almost irritating, yet I still found him quite compelling. During the first half of the story, I felt the need to understand how much blame Ricky was capable of placing on the rest of the world for what was wrong in his life. If I don't warm to a character, I normally find it hard to stick with the story, but he was quite fascinating.

Truth be told, I was almost a little relieved when he had his flashback, and I was finally able to feel some empathy for him. It wasn't clear to me whether his father had physically lashed out at him, but the anger he remembers, for the simple act of making a noise, has clearly stayed with him and become an anger that he vents indirectly at the world. Subtle, but clever work on the part of the writer!

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

The pace is steady, and events such as the trains arrival, the flashback, the incident with the car are peppered through at perfect intervals to keep the reader engaged in a story which unravels slowly and carefully.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

Ricky's past conflict with his Father, which colours his conflict with the world, is wonderfully woven throughout this tale. Lots of little examples are interspersed with the narrative so that we get a clear understanding of just how his life is an every day battle. A lot of Ricky's conflict is self induced. He chooses to see it and find it, whether it is evident or not, and each example further justifies and antagonises his perception of his life.

The final conflict at the flat is what gives Ricky the opportunity to redeem himself (for want of a better word). His heroic feat is quickly cancelled out by his following actions, and as the reader, it put into perspective that for all of his feelings towards Wendy, there was nothing stronger than this desire to be (in his words) 'whole'. And his decision to run is what lets everybody down in the end.

The last scene is played out beautifully. The tension felt by Ricky as he waits with the vase was magic. I felt the moment grip me, and these next words created tension, drama and anxiety: "He stood rigid, frightened, determined. He inhaled, and leapt."

Thoughts on the ending:

Blimey, Mrs! Poetic justice at it's best. The symmetry of the story is gorgeous. The final words left me with chills. How different his world could have been if only he had chosen to see the positive rather than the negative. Superb ending.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

This story is packed with some of the most gorgeous imagery. I've picked a few of my favourite lines which to mind mind, illustrate the talent of the person holding the pen. what wonderful images these words conjured in my mind:

"Air moved across his face like the breath of a butterfly..."
"the gentleness of a toddler" (though if you met my toddler, you might disagree )
"Sebastian’s vein pulsed in his temple"
"the heft of the glass reverberate against the man’s skull"

Are there any technical issues I want to query?

I had a query over whether 'platform's' should be 'platform' and 'was' should be 'were', but I suspect that is just my old railway slang coming into play(yes, it's true - 8 years) :

"The row of floor lights that lined the platform’s edge was blinking."

My overall thoughts:

I also have to mention the moment where he debates an offensive move, and his fears about making a noise hark back to the conflict with his Dad. The very thing he desires is the very thing he fears:

"Tension gripped his body lest he make a sound and give away his hiding place...But what if he made a sound?"

Nikki, this is one heck of a short story. It has so much depth to it, and it gives the reader many issues to ponder. I love what you have achieved here.

Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Hello 4Wheels .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is part of a warm welcome from "Invalid Item" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Chapter 1: Intro Meet The Author"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, and I really hope they are in some way helpful. Please take what you will and disregard the rest for only you know what is best for your writing.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

Well, I'd really like to know the title (provisional or not) of your pending book. The title of the chapter isn't especially exciting, but your handle '4wheels' and the personality that shone through in our "Invalid Item"  coffee lounge inspired me to pay you a visit. Future readers will be looking at your titles to see if anything catches their eye, so you might want to bear this in mind when titling your chapters and your final book.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

This has an easy, chatty tone, and in places it is extremely casual in the way topics are addressed. The writer welcomes the reader in with the comfortable style, and my only suggestion for improvement would be to consider tightening up a little on the overall structure of this first introductory chapter. In a couple of places some of the jumps between subject feel a little random. I'm sure you've thought of doing this, but perhaps take a look at some 'How to' guides on writing an autobiography?

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

There are many things I like about the way in which you have approached this story, and while another person may disagree, I think your casual tone makes your story very accessible. There is no dramatisation of your life events in this chapter, you come across as a regular Joe, someone with whom any reader might find common ground (I loved Highway to Heaaven too - always made me cry!). And, while you have faced challenges in your life, the tone in which you write this doesn't serve to set you or the reader apart from each other, but more to pull you both together. Whether this was intentional or not, I think it is an important and very successful feature of your natural writing style.

While this isn't a piece of writing that uses imagery to call to its readers, there is no doubt that emotion is woven into the text. For example, in the section about graduating from school a year later than you should have, this truth is coloured with the rosy glow of sharing the experience with your sister. Your obvious delight in this experience comes across to the reader, and I felt myself smile at the 'glass half full' attitude to life.

I was also pulled in by the sense of humour that pops up here and there. In this line: "...from the view point of a man , who has to spend his ‘’LIFE ON 4 FLAT TIRERS’..." I couldn't help but warm to the person behind the pen.

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

There may look like a lot here, but my intention was only to help you clear away some of the easy corrections, so that any future reviews you get can concentrate on the really important stuff: The stuff that might just make the difference to someone who is looking for help and advice. If you're not wanting to address any of this stuff, please ignore my suggestions and perhaps consider a comment at the top of your chapter asking any would be readers to ignore any typo/punctuation issues.

"I was born with cerebral palsy in 1963, and I am 1 member of a family of 6." I believe you need a comma before 'and' here as you have two independent clauses separated by a coordinating conjunction. I think it is also considered good practise to write numbers in word form if they are single digits, and to put them in number form if they are double figures and upwards.

"3 days after we where born..." I think 'where' should be 'were'.

"in the future an find out all about her..." This may be a stylistic choice on your part, but I wondered whether 'an' should be 'and'. This happens in a few places so I won't repeat this comment.

"No matter what because of all her love and unending support..." I love the sentiment in this, and I understand what you are saying, but I'm not sure whether this makes sense as a sentence in its own right. Perhaps trying something like the following (though I'm sure you'd come up with something far more appropriate:

"However, no matter what happens, I am sure my sweet sister Tricia, will forever be my favorite. No matter what because of all her love and unending support. She lives only about 10 minutes away from me and her unending love and support has been a constant that I will cherish forever..."

"I am shure that it took him by supprise."A couple of typos here. I think you mean 'sure' and 'surprise' (though be wary, I'm English, so some of my spellings do vary from traditional American)

"I miss my big brother, an I wish that he would move back to California." Here you have two independent clauses seperated by a coordinating conjunction (and). I'm just learning about these things myself, but I'm pretty sure this means there should be a comma before the 'and'. There are a few examples of this throughout this chapter, but I'll leave these with you to address if you wish.

"in the some city where I was raised..." Do you mean 'same'?

"1 of the very frist si-fi tv..." Just a few typos here. 1 should be 'One, 'frist' should be 'first', and I think si-fi should be 'sci-fi'.

"I will try to fallow..." A typo, fallow should be 'follow'.

"if I write about that witch I know best..." I think witch should be 'which'.

"from the view point of a man , who has to spend his ‘’LIFE ON 4 FLAT TIRERS’..." I think spend should be 'spent', and I'm not sure, but over here we spell it 'tyres'. Like I say, you guys may spell it differently.

When you have had a bit of distance from this novel, you could consider revisiting it with a fresh pair of eyes. One of the things to look at is long or overly complex sentences. A few sentences seems to meander around the houses without getting to the point. As a reader it is easy to lose track of what the point of the sentence was and where it started. For example: "One of the best writers there ever will be. I only pray that I may have enough natural talent to write something half way decent an become a published author but god only knows if he has blessed me with that skill, I hope so" Think about what it is you are trying to convey in this sentence and perhaps you could break it into two smaller sentences?

"how I finally met her. in a future chapter..." I think that full-stop in the middle is a typo.

"I really would love to give. God another chance ..." Another rogue full-stop here.

"enjoyable to the reader and not to long..." I think to should be 'too'.


Overall thoughts:

I am certain you have a story to tell, a story that people will want to read. What I would suggest is to gobble up as much learning as you can about structure, plotting, punctuation etc etc (tonnes of which is available here on WDC) and revisit your writing in a few months time. I wrote a novel 16 months ago, and I walked away from it for nearly 9 months. I'm just looking at it again now, and boy can I see so much that I couldn't when I first wrote it. You have some great stuff here. I've just skipped ahead a couple of chapters and read a few more bits. Please keep at it. I have high hopes for your biography!

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello drboris .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Hobson's Choice"  today. My comments are made with only the best of intentions, and I really hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

I love the name 'Hobson', it's so full of character and tells me right away that this is most likely a western. Add in the word 'choice', and you're giving me no choice but to see what his decision is all about. Great title.

How do I feel about the characters?

I'm unfamiliar with the western genre, and I don't know if that perhaps contributed to me confusion over the variety of names that were used for the same person. For example: I found the user of 'Hobson' and 'Ernest', and 'Garvel', 'Merrick' and 'old man' quite distracting at first. I re-read the opening paragraphs a few times to make sure I wasn't mistaken in thinking they were the same person.

I really enjoyed Hobson's demeaning put down "you need someone who doesn’t hit like an old woman", which he couldn't resist adding even though he was already black and blue. This to me said tough guy with a sense of humour. I guess it could also say, arrogant guy who doesn't know when to shut-up, but I choose to think it's the former.

Merrik Garvel's arrogance is pitched just right. He feels so confident in his position that his comeuppance is eagerly awaited by the reader.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

A high-energy pace is maintained all the way through, and this makes for a gripping and entertaining read. The only thing that hindered the flow for me was the introduction of so many names in such a short space of time. Add to that, the names that were used varied, and it made it just that bit more tricky for me to follow in a few places.

Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:

I felt the tension between the two main characters from the word go. The unstable environment, and the depiction of both characters made the conflict very real and utterly believable.

Thoughts on the ending:

I like that his eventual exit was one of the options presented by Merrick in the first place. That he took it of his own volition and took Merrick with him seemed very appropriate. It kind of confirmed my mental image of this slightly reckless, dare-devil persona that he was prepared to take those alarming odds and go-for-it. A real high energy conclusion.

Outstanding questions or issues:

I was a little bemused at how Garvel went from 'stunned' to 'senseless' to 'unconscious'. I didn't see what had happened since the head-butt to warrant that deterioration, but maybe I'm underestimating the seriousness of the injuries?

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

Only a few little spots. In this line:
"No Ernest, what happens next is entirely up to you... I wondered if 'no' should be 'now'? I went back over this and then realised that it was connected with Garvel's comment prior to Captain Chalmers interruption, so I guess it's your call. The flow of that conversation had been interrupted by Chalmers arrival, so as reader I lost track of that dialogue stream. It may just be me. Perhaps you could remind me of it: 'No, there'll be no more beatings...', or you could use 'Now' which would also work. Also, the last set of speech marks has dropped onto the next line making it look like they've been forgotten.

"snapped past as Hobson’s head..." A typo here, I don't think the 'as' is required.

One other suggestion regarding commas. I'm still learning about these little tinkers, so feel free to ignore if you think I'm wrong, but I think a comma is needed before 'and' in this sentence because 'and' is a coordinating conjunction separating two independent clauses.

"The door closed, and Garvel turned his attention back to Hobson"

Overall thoughts:

This was a new experience for me, and I thoroughly enjoyed a taste of the west with this read. Thank you for sharing!

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello Rachel H .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is sent as a great, big welcome from "Invalid Item" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "Photographs"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, but I'm not great when it comes to reading and reviewing poetry. Therefore, I'll share how this poem made me feel, and I hope my observations are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

A poignant and appropriate title. Photographs are the source of great joy and deep pain, and I like that you base a poem of grief around something that so many will relate to.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

From what I can tell, almost anything goes when it comes to free verse poetry. But for me, one of the indicators of a smooth read is whether it rolls easily from the tongue when I attempt to read it out loud. In the main this was an easy read, and there was just one place where I stumbled: Line three of verse 1. This might be a punctuation issue or perhaps it's just a little out of balance with the rest of the 4 line verses. My main query was that I didn't feel as though it connected in any way to the first two lines. I felt as though the end of the second line was the end of that message, and then the next line was a bit disconnected.

Thoughts on emotion and imagery:

One thing that stood out was the word 'comic'. I instinctively recoiled from it, and I think that this worked really well. The word doesn't seem to have any place in a poem about grief and loss, but for that reason it made me a little uncomfortable, and grief does that. Grief makes you feel uncomfortable about things.

For me, this one line is a stand-out gem: "still frames of a life once lived;" Wow! I have photos that hit me in exactly the same way. All those yesterdays and all those stolen tomorrows are painfully evident in our photographs. Gorgeous writing here - well done!

Grammar/Punctuation and Spelling:

In a few places (first verse) you use 'i' instead of 'I'.

Overall thoughts:

I think the message about grief, loss and pain comes across well in this poem. Thank you for sharing your work.

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.

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Hello This guy .

How did I come across your piece?

This review is from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . Thank you for the opportunity to read and review "How to Build Your Own Star System"  today. My comments are made with the best of intentions, and I hope they are in some way helpful.

Thoughts and expectations from the title:

Woah! Well I admit to a mix of feelings about this one. I was a little confused, very curious and a little intimidated. Because this is pitched as an Essay, and a 'How to' guide, I couldn't decide whether this was to be taken seriously or whether there was humour implied. Perhaps this is a sign of my own limitations. Needless to say, you certainly caught my attention.

General observations:

I've changed my normal reviewing template for this essay, because I normally focus on things like character development and imagery/emotion. None of that suits this article, so I'm 'shooting from the hip' so to speak.

I've read this through several times now, and my lasting impression is 'gulp'. Whether the technical jargon is legitimate or techno-babble, I'm afraid I was completely unable to decide. It might help future readers of this essay if you could give them a little more insight into the context for this essay. What is it for? Who is the target audience? This might help steer your readers and ensure you get comments from a readership that will help you.

How do I feel about the pace and flow?

This is a long essay with a lot of information. As someone who isn't technically minded, nor scientifically adept, I found it a little overwhelming to read, and it would have helped someone like me if it were presented in sections, with sub-headings. My (little) brain would find it easier to process all that information if it were presented in bite-sized chunks that would enable me to better catalogue what I was reading.

Style and Tone:

I liked the casual informal tone to this essay. It had a very non-threatening way of communicating with me, and there were times when I felt as though the writer were chatting to me rather than writing to me. Sometimes however, I felt that some complex ideas got a little lost in the 'chit-chat'. For example, this next sentence sounds like someone that started a train of thought, and took a detour along the way:

"While it is also not to promote the Hicks Star System Formation Theory, using it as a basis you can have a head start on others that are going to wait for clarification of details by some astronomical society before they begin their project."

The opening five words are very confusing for a reader to follow. Firstly, because 'also' interrupts the flow of the sentence and secondly, the use of 'it is' and 'not' either side of 'also' made it difficult for me to decide whether 'it is' or 'it isn't' the case. I

Thoughts on overall readability:

From a readability point of view, this next sentence is very long:

"In order to build your Star System, you will need a molecular cloud of the size of the total mass of the entire Solar System, and the molecular cloud must be at or very close to the density of the cloud that begat the Solar System, (to be calculated by you from the details herein) and this will give it the linear dimensions required."

This makes it very difficult for a reader to follow, especially as it contains such a lot of information. These long sentences crop up in a few places, so as a starting point you might want to consider tackling these and breaking them down into more palatable sentences. It will help your readers no end when it comes to absorbing all that techie content. For example:

"In order to build your Star System, you will need a molecular cloud of the size of the total mass of the entire Solar System. The molecular cloud must be at (or very close) to the density of the cloud that begat the Solar System. The details for this calculation are provided herein, and this will give your star system the linear dimensions required."

My apologies if I've meddled with the integrity of your meaning.

Another area to consider, which might just smooth some of your sentences, is to look for repetition. In this next sentence the word 'you' is used five times. To me, it became a little jarring to read, but the greatest risk is that your readers start to skip ahead:

"Whatever the nature of the cloud you select, you are just about finished your duties, and if you don't want to shield the cloud from other disturbing forces you are finished, for once begun, the process is self-sustaining."

Overall thoughts:

Like I said in my opening line - 'Woah". I've not read anything quite like this before, and it was an intriguing if mind-boggling read. For someone with a mind for this type of thing, I'm sure it would make a lot more sense, and I hope you attract more readers that 'get' what this is about. Still, I hope I've been able to offer some useful suggestions about the readability of your essay, even though I wasn't able to comment on the content per se. Whatever your thoughts on my review, feel free to use or disregard any comments as you see fit.

If you are interested in my approach to reviewing, please take a look at "Invalid Item" . Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.