I like this lovely little poem of yours. It isn't as short as I thought it might be when I read your description, either! I think it's just perfect in its length.
The last paragraph didn't flow as well for me as the first two. Perhaps try this?:
now instead of loving arms
for me to come home to,
i only have an empty bed
and these memories of you.
Beautiful! Love the emotions this provokes. Write on!
Interesting piece. I like the way you describe what you deal with with this poem. You allow the reader to try to understand what you go through.
Two editing suggestions:
"Most are screaming to me, they want to grow up.
They have had enough pain, they want it to stop."
up and stop don't rhyme as well as all the other rhymes in this piece. I suggest you look at these two lines again. I'm not saying that rhyming needs to be perfect in a poem, however, when the rest of your lines rhyme so well, and this one does not, it causes a pause in the poem, and distracts the reader.
This is a beautiful piece. What strong, powerful lyrics. You definitely evoked emotion within me while I read this. I love the contrast of the war with the peacefulness of your garden.
Editing suggestions:
"Can’t they see, can’t they feel, that they don’t have to kill."
- Add a question mark to the end of this.
"Who will reach out and make a once foe a friend?"
Something about this sentence just sounds off. Maybe it's the "once" - perhaps you could omit it.
I enjoyed this piece of yours, it helped me to get to know you better in many different ways - as a writer, and as a person with different likes and dislikes. I like how you share your inspiration for writing, and what got you started. CSI is an awesome show!
I like how you provide links to other items in your port. This is a great way to get more views on some of your other pieces!
The only suggestion I have is for you to add a little more personal information about who you are, and where you've been in life.
What a powerful poem, Sherri. I think oftentimes when we "meet" new people online, we have to be even more careful of these relationships. It is so easy to pretend to be someone you're not across a screen. And, as I've discovered, don't ignore those womenly intuitions! There's usually some truth in them.
I liked the opportunity to see what the things you find beautiful in your own life. I think so often when asked, people will say beauty lies within the simple pleasures of nature - a gentle reminder to slow down, and take time to smell the roses, watch the waves, and catch the sun rise in the morning.
Thank you for sharing, and making us think about our own feelings of beauty in our own lives.
(((((Sherri)))) *big hugs to you* I can not even begin to imagine the loss that you have had to experience. Losing a mother is like losing one of the biggest parts of yourself, I would think. I think it's wonderful that you are able to relate some of that hurt, sadness, and mourning in writing.
I'm sure your mother is always with you, in spirit and in memory. *hugs*
A very touching and personal poem, Sherri. The flow and rhythm are right on in this piece, allowing the reader to read through it smoothly. The only suggestion I have is to capitalize "he's" in the following line.
See, after a bit of searching, I've found the link myself!
Congrats on your writing accomplishments! How wonderful.
It was nice to be able to get to know a little more about you, once again. Perhaps you'll expand even more one day, and tell us a little more about your life itself - family, job, other interests, etc.
Fyn, I love your writing style! You give the reader so much imagery and detail, and your words are smooth and flow so well. This poem was lovely. I really enjoyed it. The only section I had to think about a couple of times was "we sip of each other"...it didn't make much sense to me in comparison to the rest of the poem, but overall, this is a wonderful piece.
Congrats on your win in the Support Your Fellow Authors auction. I truly apologize for not getting these reviews to you sooner, but this is the first that I've found out that this round of the auction even occurred!
I love this poem! I love the story it tells, and the rhyme and flow. It's sing-song like...almost like a children's nursery rhyme.
I have some suggestions:
Including the cat asleep on the hutch.
I would put a comma after cat to allow the reader to pause at this point. It has better flow this way with the rest of the poem.
back and forth/to and fro
I would omit the "/" - it really detracts from the poem. I think a simple comma here would suffice.
What a sweet short story! I enjoyed your detail and descriptives, as well as the moral of this story. I like the imaginary friend, and the tale of how he happily went away.
I think you could have written the ending in more detail, specifically how the father and son spent their time together, and how the father determined his son needed more attention from him.
*hugs* What a powerful and emotional story. I am so sorry for your loss. Jeremy sounds like he was a wonderful child, who brought a lot of joy to your life.
Editing Suggestions:
* Finally my torrent of words came to
An end and he said
An shouldn't be capitalized, and should be on the previous line.
* so this was run the dye in through a foramin (natural hole in the bone) near in the neck area...
do you mean, "this was why?"
* The nurse and I were both braced ourselves for some kind of apoplectic fit.<p>
Omit "were", and I think it's epileptic. Also I noticed a lot of the <p> symbols in this story - go back through and delete these, too.
* sat my unusually intelligent young man into my ever shrinking lap and told him that this new little person would
Need a lot of help getting started on...
again, "need" doesn't need to be capitalized, and should be on the previous line.
* Thinking on that lead to the memory of a discussion regarding Jeremy’s sister with
Ben, my second husband.
"Ben" needs to be on the previous line.
* His sister appeared quickly by his side from the bedroom where they had been previously playing, She was all smiles her little brown eyes shining out from under her soft brown bangs.
A ; after "playing", and a comma after "smiles"
* “Hello Mommie and Daddy," she parroted after him smiling.
A comma is needed after "him"
* “You forgot to say ‘please’ and it’s May I,” Jeremy instructed.
I would put the May I in the same quotes as 'please'
* My mind flashed on nothing but voices for a bit, unbidden, unwanted, but all the things different doctors had
said over Jeremy’s short 19 and a half year life span.
said needs to be on the previous line.
* “Have you asked he mother?...
he should be his
* As we were leaving a friend of ours asked if there were some way that he could be allowed to see Jeremy.
You need a comma after "leaving"
* Leaving the office that day I asked Jeremy if his mom hanging out with him all of the time was going to cramp his style.
You need a comma after "day"
* He replied slyly,“I never called it one of my little rides. I said ‘a ride.’”
You need a space after the comma.
* that you and I should pack an over night case.
I believe overnight is one word.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine losing a child. The memories that you have of Jeremy are so special. Thank you for sharing them with us.
What a powerful piece! This is probably one of my favorites from you - I like the format of the poem, and even though you rhyme in this, I think it all flows really well. I like that you tried something different with this piece in the sense that it's not so symmetrical and such.
The emotion in this poem is very strong - you convey a very powerful message. Well done!
I love the style of this poem - everything flows so well, in almost a sing-song way. It reminds me of Octavius. The rhyming doesn't seem forced, and flows really well. This poem seems upbeat and fun, until you get to the last stanza. I would almost consider revising the last part - end it with an upbeat note to reflect the rest of the poem!
What a tragic poem. I'm not sure if it's based on one of your own life experiences, but I think most of us can relate to the feelings that you express in this piece.
Suggestions:
* I think the repitition of "I'll never know" in the first three lines is too repetitive. I suggest relooking at the beginning of this.
* Your rhyming seems forced in this poem. Read this out loud to yourself, and you might pick up on what I mean.
* The second to last line should be shortened or split into two lines, in my opinion.
I think with some revision of this, the powerful emotions of the poem will stand out more.
I enjoyed this spooky poem - very fitting for halloween yesterday.
I've always been interested in apparitions - one of my life goals is to see a ghost, though I know that's not in my control. It sounds as though your experience wasn't too frightful, though.
Suggestions:
* I like how you start and end end the poem with the same sort of wording, though slightly different. However, in the first stanza, I think the third line is too long, and doesn't fit the overall rhythm of the poem. I think the last stanza has a better fit.
Hello! This is the first of the reviews that you've won through the C.W.C. Auction. I'm happy to have the chance to explore your port.
First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine losing your own child. I think your last stanza of this poem sums up the feelings that surround that loss adequately. Your children are supposed to outlive you. But sometimes, that is not to be. And the heartache is tremendous. *hugs*
I enjoyed the imagery in this poem. The rhythm was also good in this piece. The only suggestion I have for you is for you to look again at the second stanza - especially the last two lines. For some reason, this part didn't make sense to me, nor flow as well as it could.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
Write on!
P.S. I'm sending the auto-reward gp's back to you.
Welcome to writing.com! I hope you are enjoying this wonderful site.
This short poem is emotional and touching. You touch briefly on the questions one might have about how another is feeling in relation to love. It's so difficult sometimes not knowing!
I think expanding on this will make this piece even more powerful.
Write on!
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