Nicely done! Great grammar and word flow, as well as a wonderful flow of continuity; the latter isn't easy to do with flashbacks. Seamlessly done. I'm impressed! Your story unfolds with the pace of the breathing you established in the very beginning. With few words, you created interesting character sketches.
The only "downfall" is that there should be a space between each paragraph. It benefits both you and your reader.
Reading online is more easily done when there are "white spaces" to give readers' eyes a chance to rest between paragraphs. What is viewed as a "mass" of words, causes greater eye strain than is already inherent in online reading, and can lead to headaches. People are more prone to click away without reading when they see what appears to be a large block of letters, often without know why exactly they do it. Readership is more likely to go up with the spaces.
But that's it for "editing." You're clearly a good writer. Be proud and keep it coming!
I love not only the story, but the way you wove it and pulled me along. I am, generally, not a fan of sci-fi, but I also don't like to limit my reading to my "tried and true" genres. I am very glad today was a day I chose not to limit my options. Throughout the story, I felt unwaivering fascination. I had to know what was coming next.
The writing is strong, the voices match the characters, the settings are described well. Awesome.
I found one typo (the first being that a period is missing at the end of the first sentence), but aside from that, the punctuation is nearly perfect.
Note: when you use the ellipse (three dots) be sure to leave a space before as well after it.
I also found one redundancy: ". . . he repeated her." Either drop "her" or change "repeated" to "echoed," "copied" or another like word.
Other than that: perfect. It's a wonderful story and well told. Miko-chan is definitely a memorable element and that is usually what makes a story linger with readers long after they've finished reading; that one person, that one thing, that one place. Thanks for not just entertaining me, but leaving me with a feeling of satisfaction for having read it.
Interesting story you have here. I absolutely love the intro - the description made me feel I was about to read something wonderful. Beautiful.
Unfortunately, my hopes were deflated with the dialogue.
Don't get me wrong - the story itself was still quite entertaining, but the dialogue didn't consistently match the characters.
For example,
The "commish" who is "a short-tempered man by nature," seemed only to be the sounding-board for Leary, but an officer doesn't rise through the ranks to commissioner by such passivity, nor does he get a reputation for being short-tempered by simply offering standard feedback that any other character could have done quite effectively. He was painted to be strong, but his dialogue didn't hold up to the assertion. He comes across as weak with the repetition of some words. Read through his dialogue and you'll see what I mean.
And then he said, "By jove." For a man who is referred to as the "commish" (casual), the term "by jove" seems stuffy for him.
As to the investigator, Leary, he slips from being casual ("Your look’n at the only shred of anything we have of our little friend."; "Ya got a good memory my friend.") to a more formal speech pattern ("Well, it’s simple really. The museum, as you know, is lockdown secure."; "How would you have done it my good man?"
And now to a few little grammatical issues:
Using his sleeve the catch the dribble off his cheek . . .
- should be:
Using his sleeve to catch the dribble off his cheek . . .
"Your look'n at . . .
- should be:
"You're look'n at . . .
Wherever you use the term, "my friend," or "my good man," you need a comma before the term.
"Ya got a good memory, my friend."
I liked the ending. Very nicely done. And again, I can't stress enough how much I absolutely adored the introductory paragraph. Beautiful work there.
Just manage your dialogue with the same attention you give to your descriptions, and you'll be unstoppable!
Cute poem. You know what drew me to reading this? The description: "just a simple not-too-hurting opinion of my baby brother."
I had to laugh when I read that for what it is, but also for what it implies about your relationship with him. And the last line sums it up so well! Good to know they outgrow it, huh?
As for the poem itself, the structure is uneven toward the end, so it made reading it awkward: mostly the second to last line was troublesome. Other than that though, the structure was fine. So were your word choices and most of your grammar.
Grammatically, there is one little thing you should change: "at an higher . . ."
People usually do get that confused, so you're not alone. Use "a" when the "h" sound is pronounced, but us "an" when it is silent. In this case it's pronounced, so you'd use "a" there.
Overall, this was a fun little poem. Keep up the good work.
Usually, with in/outs that don't have date/time stamping, the order (descending or ascending) is difficult to ascertain. It prevents me from adding to them in most cases. However, this one, even without date, time, or even names, is very clear on where the answer will appear.
This is an interesting in/out in that not only is it entertaining, it has the added value of being fodder for potential writing ideas. As far as in/outs go, this is a good one and worth checking out. That it has been successful for over three years is testament to its worth.
This looks like a fun in/out. I didn't post to it though since I wasn't sure where my answer would end up. The ones without date or time mess me up and I invariably get it wrong and my answer ends up at the top when I think it will be at the bottom, or shows at the bottom when I think it will show at the top.
Good idea for an in/out though. Using my amazing powers of deduction (), I'm guessing the answers on this one show at the bottom?
Too true! Been there, done that. I'm a coffeeholic who encourages others to tell their stories so I can stand around and nod and put off getting back to a cold office - at least I did that before I went freelance.
I like the aabbcc... structure. For this type of poem, I can't imagine a better rhyme scheme. I am all for echoing content of a poem with the structure of it, which you have done. I love too that you let the hooked/look lines stand as sound rhymes rather than sight rhymes. It would have forced it and that would have ruined it. Good call.
Overall, a very enjoyable poem, especially for those of us who LOVE coffee.
What a brilliant idea! At least, for those for whom it could work. I still do the "paper bag - nearly pass out" thing myself. It doesn't always work, but sadly, I know your sure-fire cure wouldn't work for me. I grew up playing with your sure-fire cure.
Though you have reminded me of what could be my sure-fire cure . . . just got shivers thinking of it.
Anyway, very clever! Thanks for the light (and light-hearted) read.
Wonderful! This is intelligent (many of your word choices call to those of higher minds), yet down to earth. This is definitely a piece easily read and enjoyed by a vast array of people; which is fitting considering it is a strong element in the work itself.
You are obviously well-read and enjoy writing. This essay is a perfect blend of these loves as well as an interesting viewpoint of a city which, by North American standards, borders on exotic.
Minor typos: "thier" should be "their." in the third paragraph from the end, there is an extra period at the end of one sentence. You'll see it the moment you go to that paragraph and wonder how you missed it the first time.
Now I have an interest in seeing London. Well, I always did want to visit, at least in passing, but now it seems an absolute that should be a destination rather than a stop-over, and should also be added to my list of "100 Things to Do Before I Die."
Thank you for this enjoyable armchair excursion! I look forward to seeing more from you.
Cute! I haven't done a madlib in ages, and just felt like it today. I'm having a busy morning and was in want of a little break. This was just what I needed to put a smile on my face and get me back into my groove.
I forgot how fun madlibs can be! Thanks for the reminder.
I absolutely loved it. It was so good, and I was so drawn into it, I couldn't have told you if there were errors or not. I had to go back for another perusal and, of course, it was error free.
This was such an incredibly delightful piece, I recommend it to everyone who has ever been in school, and everyone who loves a great laugh.
I laughed when I read the end and discovered who the previously unnamed "she" was in the story. Nice work!
As it is less than 300 words, this is classified as micro-fiction which seems to be gaining popularity with short story publishers these days. Key elements of micro-fiction are getting right into the story immediately with little background information (enough to set the scene), increasing tension quickly, and revealing the focus of the story at the end. You succeeded in all of these.
There are some minor edit points you should consider to bring this to perfection:
Use of elipses (...).
The four dots you've used are better left to nonfiction when quoting other material. The four dots indicate missing material between the last part of the quote and the next part and that the next part is from a different sentence than the previous part of the quote. Blah blah blah, I know. Point is, if you mean to pause, use three dots, not four.
Incomplete sentence.
In fiction, this isn't such a big deal. We see it all the time. However, it has to "fit." In the following case, I'd make one word change, and make it part of the next sentence so it would read: Petite, calm, with grimness writ on her face, she said to him, "I will . . .
Punctuation. In Canada and the US, most punctuation goes inside quotation marks, though in the UK it is usually the opposite unless the punctuation is part of the quote. If you are in Canada or the US, move any periods outside quotation marks to the inside, or vice versa if you are from the UK. (Elsewhere, check your grammar books.)
Also, only use one form of punctuation. For example, where you have this: !". just get rid of the period.
Word stressing. Instead of capitals for stress, use italics. We use the following codes: {i} and {/i}. These are the brackets found next to the "P" on your keyboard and using the shift key. More codes for the site can be found by using your Site Navigation Drop Down Menu near the top left of your screen. Click the arrow next to Author Tools and there you'll find a selection called WritingML Help.
To wrap it up, you have a great little story here. Micro-fiction isn't as easy to write as some would think, but you did a fine job. Bravo!
So simple, yet so powerful! I love poetry like this. Bravo.
The only thing I'd do is write a better tagline for the description. "My favorite," or "Just something I wrote" isn't a good way to entice readers to your work. See the sponsored item list? Those are great examples of how to draw your readers.
I like your writing style, and your characterization. The man in the story, although he doesn't speak, is vivid and real to the reader. Nicely done.
Something stood out, I couldn’t figure out what, and it frustrated me beyond belief.
The cliche at the end is out of step with the rest of your writing. I think it would be enough to drop the "beyond belief."
I had a little problem with the part about his "treasure" as well. I don't know what it is, what could move the narrator to such emotion. Perhaps you could illuminate that a little, and move your readers to the same emotion, rather than leaving them perplexed.
There were many incomplete sentences, and while I think they definitely have a place in fiction (especially for emphasis), I recommend you get rid of some of them. There are some that don't need to be incomplete and would actually be stronger if they were part of the previous sentence. I won't point them all out as you're definitely a strong writer and will spot, on your own, the ones I mean.
Overall, your writing is beautiful and I'm glad I read the story.
I found this on the review board, and the review was so glowing, I just had to read it. I agree with your earlier reviewer (intuey of House Lannister) in that it does read like a story out of one of the inspirational/spiritual books lining my shelves.
In our world, with the "have it all, have it now, and have it better than what it is" mentality, it isn't surprising the character felt as he did. What happened to him (and why) is a powerful message. I walk away a little more enlightened. Thanks for that.
Editing considerations:
Second line: "I don't understand?" - The question mark should be changed to either a comma or an exclamation point.
"She clutched at my legs, refusing to let me go. “Please, don’t go. Tell me . . ." You need to drop either the "refusing to let me go" or the "Please, don't go." To have both is redundant and uncharacteristic of your writing in general.
"I yelled out unable to contain my fright." - Just needs a comma after "out."
The story itself is powerful--and powerfully written--until the last line, which isn't necessary (it begins, "All I have . . ."). The sentence has a "let me explain it to you, in case you didn't get it" feel to it, which is in opposition to the strength of the work as a whole. Drop it, and the message stays strong and whole.
Overall, I loved the story! You're a good writer, which you probably know, but it never hurts to hear it again . . . and again . . . and again!
Wow. You did it--crash course for modernism! Bravo.
It's very good and will clear up the confusion a lot of people have when reviewing. Reviewers (and I've been guilty of it) tend to think sequentially and give reviews and ratings according to that basis. Knowing a little something about this writing style will hopefully help modern and postmodern writers gain the ratings they deserve, and help reviewers when they come upon a story that doesn't follow standard methods.
I do have three things to mention, though they are minor:
1. Recommend bolding the words "modernism" and "postmodernism" when you first explain them.
2. Recommend giving a few examples of modern or postmodern work--movies, books, or stories. That movie, 21 Grams keeps coming to mind. That was a good movie!
3. Voice changed slightly. The article started out straightforward with no definitive "author personality" at the beginning, but the "oh yeah" toward the end does show the writer behind the words. Suggestion: personalize the beginning a little more (i.e., brief explanation of why you're writing the piece), or leave off the "oh yeah." Personally, I like the "oh yeah"!
Hey, off topic - but read in The Chicago Manual of Style about punctuation and quotation marks. You know how we've learned that all punctuation goes inside? Well, that's only true for periods and commas, regardless of whether they're part of the original quote or not. If question marks or exclamation points aren't part of the quote, they go outside the quotation mark. Of course colons and semicolons always go outside as well, but we already knew that. And why did I mention this? Because I used an exclamation point after quoting you in my review--not because you misused punctuation anywhere! Your punctuation is perfect.
The grammar is perfect. The telling of the tale absolutely stellar.
What a creative story! Wow.
I find no fault with this and can only applaud your skill. Are you published and keeping it secret? If you aren't, you ought to be. I was thoroughly impressed and I'm not saying that because I'm your cheerleader today. I may go around cheering your name this day, but that does NOT mean I give undeserved accolades under any circumstances. I rate with honesty and integrity. I'd pay to read this.
Good work!
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The "commish" who is "a short-tempered man by nature," seemed only to be the sounding-board for Leary, but an officer doesn't rise through the ranks to commissioner by such passivity, nor does he get a reputation for being short-tempered by simply offering standard feedback that any other character could have done quite effectively. He was painted to be strong, but his dialogue didn't hold up to the assertion. He comes across as weak with the repetition of some words. Read through his dialogue and you'll see what I mean. 
Using his sleeve 
I liked the ending. Very nicely done. And again, I can't stress enough how much I absolutely adored the introductory paragraph. Beautiful work there. 
), I'm guessing the answers on this one show at the bottom? 
"thier" should be "their."
Write On!