This is so surprising, and I really liked it! As i was reading, I was making assumptions after reading your other scenes, but finally, when I learned that Eddy was a full grown man and an escapee from a mental institution, the story really snapped into place. It's a little dark, sure, but it is funny and ironic too. I liked the cat and the twist at the end. I think your descriptions of Eddy and his antics are terrific.
There is a little bit in the opening that I think could be trimmed. I found myself trying to mentally picture him coming through the window and it slowed down the pace a little bit. I think you might want to share the fact that he's mentally challenged a little earlier, even though your description was great, I didn't quite pick up on that fact until later. I think that if a reader has that information they'll have more sympathy and develop a connection with the Eddy a little earlier.
Good job, mine sucks,but there's no help for that. Hope we're in another class sometime. I'm hosting a workshop on flash fiction. It's going to be a little like a class but only 4 weeks long. I'd love it if you joined us. Won't start until next Friday. But if you're "classed out" I completely understand.
You lead us into the character with some great description. I don't need to know how tall he is, or the color of his eyes, because the things that you've chosen to explore tell more about his character. This is just the kind of thing I thought people might want to write. Not very long, but filled with possibility.
this is great. i can see the story emerging. i worked on mine this morning and as i was filling in what bullets i could, i saw other things kind of emerging: other characters i'll need, other story lines that need to be filled out, and some new ideas for pacing.
this is a blast.
i'm going to be out of town until thursday, but i think i'll have time to get most of it done, hopefully.
I think your character is really coming to life, I like that this story is being told in first person. We get to see that she's funny and irreverent and a little naive at the same time. The last vignette when she conquered her fear of flying was a good internal conflict, because I think she was a little scared of where she was actually going as well as not liking the flying part.
In this scene, life seems perfect. Sleeping is one of my favorite sports too. But at the end we found out that it's not the garden of Eden, there's a snake in the woodpile as they say.
I think this scene could be stronger if there were some internal conflict to go along with the near drowning. Then it would make her more involved in this plot line. Maybe she finds out something a little "off" about Keno. An overheard phone call or message? Or she finds something that puts him in a little different light and she starts having doubts.
I think it's a very good story so far and will be looking forward to the big Crisis.
I enjoyed your latest scene, it seems that these two are doomed to be separated.
The only suggestion I would make, in light of the assignment, is that this decision for her to leave be more traumatic for both of them. Maybe if she were not just coming for a visit, but really pinning all her hopes and dreams on staying. She loves him so much and she's made a drastic step to leave the land she loves and come to him, then it's all torn apart. I don't think that it's what happens, but how it happens and the emotional intensity of the choices she's having to make.
Looking forward to finding out what happens to these star crossed lovers.
I liked learning more of the back story and finding out more about Angela. It's so sad that she had to go through a fire and then her father's collapse in so short a time. I can see a lot of different threads in the story being put together. I like the highs and lows that Angela must be feeling.
There's a lot of action here, and I think that it reveals what kind of character Tarnic is. I like seeing his thoughts and feelings, this is not something that I do well, I can't seem to get into my characters head very deep and have it be believable.
I like the way you use the action and predicament to expose the world of this story. The fever and the tea and the amphibians. I would have liked to know what they look like a little though. Just a little clue or trait.
Great story. I've never be to NOLA, but this really seems to capture the feeling. I think that you include food really helps give me a taste for it. I love the way that this moved along, neither to fast nor too slow, just a nice pace and I really got to see where Juliet was coming from. It made her a more complete rounded character, not because I see a lot about her, but I see a lot about where she was from.
This is going to be a really entertaining story, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Here's the last review for the the Jailathon in the Elven Tea Garden. I'm getting to like this interactive story stuff. I especially liked that you dedicated this to an actual kids soccer team. I'll bet they're all super heros in their own ways.
I really liked this one, since you could pick the kids new super powers and follow them along and see what they did with them. I thought it was well written, there were a couple of typos and one thing I might change is where Giovanni uses the world "chair" when I think he mean's car seat. But that's the only mistake I saw.
Good job,
kim
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I've never reviewed an interactive story before, or participated in one, to be frank, but this was really interesting. Kind of like a campfire which I did one time. It seems like it would be fun to get a bunch of people writing away about all the possibilities. I'll bet that people come up with things that really surprise you..
I thought the chapter choices were good, the story could go in so many different directions. It was clearly written and I think the writing fell in well with super hero theme that runs through your port.
thanks for sharing.
This is the send review from the Jailathon for the Elven Tea Garden.
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This read like poetry! You're a very talented writer. I really liked this story, there was tension and your sentence structure was superior. I think that we write a lot a like. There was only one thing that threw me off, just a little. The ending hints at something more, I think that I get it, but it doesn't come as a conclusion to the story. Was this for the Daily Flash Fiction contest? Regardless, it was a joy to read. Glad you joined the Active Writers.
I'm here from the Elven Tea Garden with a little jailathon review.
I have to tell you a little about myself before the review. For twenty years I lived in a town called Metropolis, Metropolis, Illinois that is. I know one of the largest collectors of Superman Memoriabila, Jim Hambrick. Metropolis has a Superman festival every year in June. I just thought you might find that interesting.
Nice story, and I like that you included the constitution in the story. I think that's great information for kids, everyone really. But it might be a little long winded for really little kids.
I think the physical description is good, I like to think of Superboy floating around and warming things up with his super-vision.
There are a few typos, nothing serious, but you might want to look it over.
Good kids story. Feels like part of a chapter book.
Wow, great start to a story. I was drawn in right away. The backstory, or history of Juliet was included with ease and didn't not feel intrusive at all. We see her at a very low point, and think that things can only get better for her. We see her character when she picks up the dog even though she doesn't even know how she's going to take care of herself.
One thing did make me wonder, though, about the setting. There's snow on the ground, but the place has a very southern feel, I don't really think I'd need to know exactly where it is but maybe Midwest, East Coast, Far West. I didn't miss the reference to route 66 but that goes a lot of places. It was a very small thing though.
I love your description of the place though, and can really picture the setting. Nice touch with the old Victorian boarding house.
This is going to be a good story, I look forward to reading more of it.
I liked your story very much, it's a good beginning. There's a lot of the back story, and I got a good feel about the setting and the central character, Angela. The only suggestion I would make in the first part is to limit her confrontations with her father and her repeated exclamations about not marrying to three or four.
I loved that you began and ended with the dress and it's really affective for a chapter but I thought a better place to start the story might be :
“He’s coming,” he’s coming,” Carmella shouted as she ran up the stairs to Angela’s room. Pushing open the bedroom door she smiled at her sister. “He’s handsome, Angela,” she said. “Wait till you see.” She ran to the balcony and with a conspiratorial whisper motioned for Angela to join her. “Come on, Angela, let’s see what your future husband looks like.”
There is so much excitement in this paragraph, it puts the reader right in the middle of the story and a lot of the back story from Angela could be woven in through out this section if you kept it all in the same time frame.
I know we're just doing rough drafts at the moment, but it struck me really strongly when I read this paragraph.
I really looking forward to seeing how your story progresses.
Love this. I'm a big fan of the Clan of the Cave Bear series. I love the way this moves along, the pace is terrific, and all the backstory and information about the world are included seamlessly. The dialog, I think is what reveals the characters the most. Their personalities are very distinct.
There were a few places where descriptive words seemed a little jarring and a little too contemporary. Stalwart, was one that struck me, and faggots, though used appropriately seemed a little unnecessary.
I enjoyed this thoroughly, and would definitely not put down this book.
I'm kim and from the Elven Tea Garden with a few reviews for your time in our Jailathon!
I have to admit, I've never reviewed a webpage before, but I found yours so interesting, I read all the way to the bottom.
I like the animated background, and found the information, clear and easy to read. I especially liked the section on your novels.
It seems we have something in common, I write a lot about Native Americans too. I'm working on a book of children's stories right now.
Great looking grandkids by the way.
kim
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I'm here from the Elven Tea Garden for a little Jailathon review.
1. I don't know anything about poetry. So please take everything I say with a shaker of salt.
I really enjoyed this poem. I tend to like rhyming poetry most. You did a great job of capturing a winter day. I'm from northern Michigan so it does seem a little silly how everyone over reacts in snow storms.
I like the way that you kept a pretty strong focus on just the traffic aspect of the day. It was very vivid in terms of what was going on in the car and on the road.
But, being a Michigan girl, now sadly living in Kentucky where snow is a rare and special treat, I would have liked to have felt and seen the beauty of the snow. I love it myself, and I know not a lot of people share my enthusiasm. Snow meant, skiing, skating, snowmobiling and lots of other great things for me.
Good poem. I think you absolutely nailed the prompt.
I’m standing on the cusp of realizing my dreams after 8 years of rejections. -- 8 should be written out "eight".
There are no furniture, but the rooms look well kept. -- I think should be "There is no furniture."
“No. Never actually met her.” -- I think should be -- "I don't know, never actually met her."
I’m lucky he comes when he does because right behind him is he pizza delivery car I have no cash on me. -- I think should be "I'm lucky he comes when he does because right behind him is the pizza delivery guy. I don't have any cash on me.
Because of our lack of furniture and other amenities we toast in my patio as we sit on the rough spackled ledge overlooking my new garden. -- I think should be "toast on my patio."
Cody clings his bottle to mine. -- should be "clinks"
Michael -- should be Michaela
He’s skinner than Sam Worthington but has striking blue eyes and a flexible voice. -- should be "skinnier"
light house -- should be lighthouse
Hope you don't mind. I find it almost impossible to see typos etc in my own work. I think that in this section I would expect a little bit of introspection. He must be blown away by all that's happening, not just the script being produced, but he's going to meet his ideal woman. I also think that this section might have a little more emotional roller coaster to it, to build some tension. Good story though, told in a pretty straightforward manner.
An interesting story, I can almost picture this as a pretty modern script for a short subject, I recently saw Limitless Because of the pace of the action, I can see this kind of playing out with a hand held camera.
It felt pretty modern, and the pov was good and solid, but the plot I think could use some work.
I failed to feel a real arc in the story, there doesn't seem to be any highs or lows or tension as if it were told in a straight line.
I think this would be easy to remedy, by starting in the middle of some action and then flashing back to how he got to that point. It would help to put the reader more in the story and then give them info about how they got there, it would also enable you to do some cutting of a lot of unnecessary backstory.
One question I had after reading it was what did he do to deserve all this good fortune?
Micheala is described pretty in-depth, and it made me wonder what the guys looked like.
I think if you played around with this and gave it a more unexpected structure and a twist about the "why" you'd have a more satisfying ending.
Good luck with your rewrites, and if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask. So many people have so many different opinions and in the end the only opinion that matters is yours.
Sorry, this review went to the board before it was submitted to you. Following instructions isn't my strong suit.
Just a couple of notes on this section:
"tar mack" should be tarmac
“Think you’d at least fly us out business class,” I quip as verbal personification of my excitement and strap on my seat belt.
I strap my seat belt in as the plane starts drifting along the runway. -- I think the second sentence is redundant.
I'll make some further notes on the other sections.
I have to say I really enjoyed your story. This was very well written, flowed beautifully and the characters were very believable and well motivated. You did a very good job of filling int he backstory and making Mina's wants and desires known to the reader.
Your description is exceptional, at no time did I find myself wondering what was going on or why a character was doing what they were doing. I think this is very important, especially in fantasy.
The story moved well and the ending was very satisfying. Well done!
My name is kim and I'm here from the Power Raiders group to honor the fall equinox with a little review.
I enjoyed your article, being a fan of the Discovery Channel and all other documentary programming I like to see the science behind some of the material these programs profess to be about.
I really enjoy the science part, how we can hypothesize and test and come to some pretty good conclusions. I'm glad that I read this and I'll be a little more suspect when I see a program like the "cocaine mummies" about Eqyptians traveling to the new world.
My name is kim and I'm here with a review from the Power Reviewer's in honor of the Autumnal Equinox.
I have to say, I was really impressed with your poem! It's really an amazing use of words. It has a very, I don't know exactly what era, but the imagery is really strong and the vocabulary is quite elegant.
I had to read it twice I like it so much and then you really hit a wonderful note with the final verse. Really well done. I rarely give 5's but I wouldn't change a thing about this poem.
My name is kim and I'm here from the Power Reviewers for our Fall Equinox raid. We're focusing on Fall and Native American and First people items and I was glad to have found yours.
I thought your article was very enlightening. It's funny that somethings that scientists believed in the past turn out to be so wrong. I hadn't realized that they thought that the paleoindians hunted any type of game exclusively. After all, what made the human species so adaptable was the ability to eat just about anything.
Thanks for writing such a well thought out and serious article on the subject.
kim
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