I can tell that you really love nature. This is a good poem. One thing I love to do it looks at the sky. This proves that I'm not the only one.
I liked the rhyme and rhythm. It flowed well and I thought was clear. Once again, the first letters of each line and the only think I see that you might wanna fix. Very good poem.
Very good. I really liked it. You have a way of making people see things visually. I really like to read things like that. If I can't picture it in my mind, then it's not all that good.
LOL, I've never seen something like this on Writing.com before.
It's very nice and creative to come up with all that. Everything you say in this is wonderful and true, there's nothing like staring up at the raindrops.
This is an amazing poem, you capture the majesty and reverence of nature. I really like your word usage, and the uses of Lilibonelle style is grand.
The only thing I see that leaves it just shy of a 5 star rating is the fact that you don't have the first letter in each line capitalized. It's the rule of thumb for poems.
This is a nice poem. Its rhyme was great. I liked the concept, I remember what it was like to be the new kid, and it brought back memories. That's a good thing to have in a poem if you ask me. Only thing that I can point out to you is the first letter in each line needs to be capitalized. But other than that, it was good.
As I read this story, I kept picturing an old Disney movie, one that you would see on VHS. I liked the idea, and the story was good. It had a child-storybook likeness to it. The only thing I would like to suggest is some more descriptions. I know it's written for children, but still, more description would be nice. I really like how you described the black unicorn, "black as midnight without stars."
I also liked how the princess was the "bad guy", it's usually the good princess and the bad stepmother, but you wrote it the other way around. I liked it.
It's good, keep it up.
This is review 2 of 10 for winning the Donations Prize in BROW.
Wow! Short and sweet, but somehow that's all that's needed, I have no iead how you go all that information in a simple three lined poem. Well, you've raised my hopes for spring, Now i really can't wait for it. Thank you for that.
Anyway, the second line needs a capital, but other than that I see nothing wrong with it...short and sweet, but I repete, that's all you need. Very good. Keep up the good writing.
***Thank you for entering the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Just a little review, I'll let you know if you've won.***
Ummm...I must say, it is a little bit sketchy. It needs more details and more creativity. It has a good idea, but it needs to be told in a better way. No offence.
Oh one minor thing to point out here. In your sentence: “Yeah, I (Arg!) Met him.” Take the cap off met.
***Thank you for entering the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Just a little review I'll let you know if you've won.***
This is a good story. It has its slow parts though. When you use an acronym, you should put what it stands for in caps. E.g. "PLSS (Primary Life Support System)." Instead of "PLSS (primary life support system)."
***This is my tenth item in my ten item port raid!***
I must say that this one was very hard to understand. I found myself going back and re-reading some parts. I think some of it should be made a little clearer, just my opinion.
Well, I must say I've never read a "ghost" story before. This seemed good enough. It caught my interest, and it was well written. I like the point of view you use, only the main speaker...very creative.
He he he! Very funny, indeed. Very good story, I like the little moral you put in.
There are a few mistakes though.
You wrote:
"Daniel. Call me Danniel if you like." I think the second Daniel was meant to have only one "n".
You also wrote:
"Instead, she stood looking up into the brown? eyes of a man almost completely doused in flour? or baby powder, she couldn't tell." I see what you're trying to do with the question marks, but it just isn't correct, it also makes that line hard to read. Consider revising the way you have that sentence.
Other than that it’s a good story. Keep up the good work.
***This is the first in my ten item raid! Please forgive the delay, I had to do the other two winners first!***
This is a good story. I like the idea, it's great. However, It's a little confusing. Something in the story is unclear. It's mostly in the first two paragraphs. I had to reread some parts. The story just doesn’t flow right.
Also there are a few grammatical errors here and there, you might want to check that out.
But other than that, this is a good story with a good idea. Keep up the good writing.
This is a really funny poem. The idea is very ingenious, indeed. Nicely written, with great rhyme. It makes me think of all the yard work that I've needed to do in the past...and it's funny, you always seem to have to go as soon as you get to work. LOL.
This is a very touching poem, it really tells me what you're thinking. It's very good, but may I be so bold as to show you some places where you can fix it up a bit.
The flow and rhyme are good, but maybe you can tweak it a little. The parts in red are think I suggest.
Every now and then,
I cry like someone's been
Killed in recent days
Or the parting of the ways.
Every now and then.
My fears take over,
Like a big bulldozer
Opening up my heart,
Tearing it apart.
Every now and then.
Deep inside my soul,
My emotions take control.
There's no way to escape
There's too much on my plate.
Every now and Then.
And in conclusion
So there's no confusion,
Cry like no tommorow tomorrow
No sympathy to borrow.
Every now and then.
The places with the red commas show that there should be a pause in the speech. It flows a lot better with pauses. I think you should put a period at the end of the second to last line. This way "Every now and Then" is a separate thought from the rest of the stanza.
In the third line of the second stanza, it sounds better if you put the word up in there. "Opening up my heart" sounds better than "Opening my heart". It also flows better with the rest of the stanza.
One last thing, you spelt tomorrow wrong in the last stanza.
Other than that, I think it's a great piece of work. Keep it up.
This story made me think of Humanity. Is that what's going to become of us? Of course I know it won’t, but it's a very interesting thought. This was a very good story. Well written and well told.
Only one thing. In the part where you write: "There was no sound and no voice inflection" There should be a "were" there, not a "was".
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