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Review of Winning Streak  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Myles and as promised here's a review for reviewing my short story.

Thank you for the suggestion! I trust you find my review and any suggestions I make helpful. I do my best to give thorough reviews that are not just full sugar coated words but rather words, that give feedback which may have an impact on any editing you choose to do. Keep in mind, I'm not professional editor-proofreader but I enjoy and read a story a few times if necessary to have a full understanding of characters, theme, POV, flow, grammar ect.

I love your story! I came in to this review with a plan of doing a thorough review, studying your sentences, checking for wordiness, flow and any tense or grammatical errors, but I found none!

Seriously, this is near perfect and I have great respect for you as an experience writer. Rarely do I come across a near perfect read without any findings or suggestions, not even in my own writing.

So. very well done! *Wink*

Your story is relatable; I mean don't we all at one time or another, wish for our ordinary to be extraordinary and ultimately, our life easier? *BigSmile*

The tender & loving relationship between Janus and, his wife, is believable as is their wants, needs and desires. This is indeed, any "normal" married couples story.

Your story had a well written Beginning, Middle and a suspenseful and tragic end which the reader is left to only imagine.

The story flows well! And I appreciate an honest & caring man who is also just a good human and stops to help the driver of the broken down car. It's not even unusual the driver was "a palm reader" wishing her rescuer, "good luck," at least not in this small, dusty community where the country fair is still a big deal. *BigSmile*

Great job of setting up the scenes to follow.

Dawn's boyfriend may not be a likeable fellow from a parents point of view but it's so true, and I appreciate the fact the parent's most notable dislike of him is that he isn't who they'd choose for their daughter; but you didn't allow Janus'' thoughts about Nick "color" the reader's ability to judge for themselves. Well done.

I enjoyed your story and especially love reading one that flows, where the characters are relatable, where the storyline gives us a reason to cheer as well as a reason to be shocked and saddened.

I wish I could give suggestions (if that was what you were hoping for,) but alas, I found your story to be not only well-written but a story with main characters the reader cheers for characters
that are believable and genuine; a story that is free of grammar & punctuation errors that stump a reader up; a story which has a lot of emotion, a well played out plot/theme, suspense and a ending no reader could see coming. Bam! Like I said at the top of this review: Near Perfect! (sorry, I always say near perfect, because I firmly believe "perfections" is over-rated and nearly impossible to obtain) But, excellence is absolutely attainable!

Thank you for allowing me to read your story. I wish you the best in the contest. It's definitely a contender! Excellent! *BigSmile*


kjo just groovin
2
2
Review of Farewell  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Kiara welcome to writing.com and congrats on allowing & inviting readers and reviewers alike to comment & rate your story. I hope you find my review thoughtful! Trust that any suggestions I may make, are from a reader's point-of-view and you can count on me being genuine, constructive and hopefully helpful!

Young love is so sweet. You did a wonderful job of conveying the emotion. So great job! I thought your two main characters were believable. In fact, while reading your story, it didn't really dawn on me that Kyle was a boy. Not that it matters, but that just speaks to how good of a writer you are even though "Kyle" may suggest in a traditional sense, he was a boy, you didn't give specifics or descriptions and just allowed the reader to see the love unfolding between your characters. Sometimes, less is more *Wink*

Over all, the story had a good flow, but every now and again, I was tripped up but the wordiness in a sentence or left to wonder at times (if no name was mentioned) who's talking? For instance, you wrote: "»Hey. What are you doing in here? You should be out there having the most amazing night of your life.« I smiled upon her as Emily was looking up to me. What I've underlined in bold is a bit confounding. I, Her, Emily appears to be 3 but is really just 2 characters? Maybe just: I smiled at her as she looked up at me?

Also, grammatically speaking, Dialogue usually has these " as opposed to these >> ? Just a thought.


I found the following sentence could benefit from a bit more description which helps the reader identify who these other characters are: »Hey Kyle. Are there still more of these?« Jenna, a girl from Emily's dance team I had never really spoken to before I invited her to this party, held up an empty bag of potato chips in front of my face.

You could add a little description and scene like this: "Hey Kyle, are there more of these?" Jenna, a friend of Emily's, asked as she held the potato chip bag upside down. I gazed at her with steady eyes and smirked, I didn't know her well; nor had spoken to her much but she was an acquaintance of Emily's from dance class." Again, just thoughts to ponder.


The following sentence is a bit wordy. I think you could say more using less words.
Although I didn't like dancing nearly as much as she did and therefore didn't look nearly as good on the dance floor, the smile on her face was a good enough reason for me to stay exactly where I was instead of going back to my bench in the corner.
Maybe: I didn't like dancing as much as Emily which is one of the reasons I didn't look as good dancing as she did. Truth is, it felt awkward. I'd rather be the DJ spinning the music. Again, just a suggestion.


In the next sentence, I noticed a punctuation issue. You wrote:
Hours later the last few people had just left the garage to head home so I had started cleaning up the mess that was left of Emily's farewell party as she came back in.

Breaking up the sentences with punctuation allows the reader to breath & will help with the flow.It might be nice to add some description so the readers can see the mess. Such as: Hours later the last few party goers left the garage to head home leaving me to clean the crumpled up snack bags, the half-filled cups of punch and the left over party trays strewn here and there. Just as I was finishing, Emily walked in.

Again, just something to think about.

Overall, you have a wonderful story of young love blossoming before the readers eyes. Your main characters have substance, emotion and are believable. So that's a great start.

Overall, well done!

Wonderful Writing and best wishes!

Kjo just groovin
3
3
Review of The Perfect Day  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Chibithulu (Alyssa)

As promised, here is a review. I choose your short story "Perfect Day" because, well, it's a perfect day here to read about a perfect day! *Laugh*

I hope you find my suggestions and thoughts helpful: please know that they are just based off an emotional response to your story taking in to consideration: characters, theme, plot, grammar, punctuation, emotion, ect. Keep in my I'm not a professor, I'm not a published writer, just a reader, a reviewer and a lover of words.

You have a wonderful title. It grabs the reader, because, a "Perfect Day could literally be about anything. So great title!

There is a good amount of emotion in your story and the emotion makes your characters relatable. I like both of your characters; any single parent could relate. The mom is doing her best in her current situation which helps the reader form an understanding as well as develop compassion for her.

The young boy is so full of joy and I love how you weaved that joy in
by reminding the audience that "it's the small things that are important."

Great job with emotion, making your characters genuine and making a certain situation, relatable with a tug-at-your-heart lesson. *HappyCry*

I found a few areas that may be improved by removing some wordiness or changing up the punctuation. For instance, you wrote: The boy's eyes devoured every detail on the kite that his mother had just handed him. The sentence might flow with more ease if you removed the past tense words, had just to read instead: The boy's eyes devoured every detail on the kite he mother handed him. *Wink* Just a thought

Alos, in the 2nd paragraph you wrote: "She too was cherishing the moment. It both cheered and hurt her heart to see him so happy over something so small. Perhaps if you infused those two sentences together, it might flow with more ease. For example: She too was cherishing the moment which touched her heart with joy in the moment and sadness because the gifts are far and few between." Or something like that; you get my gist. Again, just a thought.

There were a couple of instances, I thought some descriptions would help bring a imagery alive instead of just descriptive word. For instance, you wrote, "The sky was shockingly blue that day" How does shockingly blue look? Also, you interject "that day" which suggests a day different then the day they are "now" enjoying, so there's a tense issue as well.

There are some truly tender moments in this story which tugs at the heart of the reader. I love the relationship between the two. It seems so real, the characters are genuine with true emotion and really, that's such a vital aspect to any story. So great job!

There may or may not be some additional punctuation and wordiness which interrupt the flow of your story but overall, wonderful writing!!

Thank you

kjo just groovin
4
4
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Lady H, thank you for requesting a review for your recently edited first Chapter of "The Great Escape." I hope you find my review and any suggestions helpful.

First I'd like to say, I think you have a good story. Your protagonist, Luce seems like a pretty normal young adult with a lot of curiosity that get's her in to a bit of a stew. I like the fact that she struggles between good & bad and like most people, makes mistakes. So she is Genuine, which is important because it makes your character relatable.

The theme is shrouded in a bit of mystery, and mystery and or suspense is awesome fuel for a story. *Smile*
You've given your character a good amount of emotion! Yay!

I do have some suggestions: please remember they are only my opinions, based off my response to your character & your story. It's ok if you don't apply my suggestions, after all, it is your story.

I think the flow of your story could be improved by working on some the punctuation issues; for example: you wrote, "My adopted mother’s disapproving eyes fill my thoughts, the weighted glare I’d never truly been the victim of but witnessed a thousand times directed at dad." I find the above sentence is a bit long and a bit weighted down by run on sentence (between my thoughts & the weighted glare)so it could flow with more ease by making them individual sentences or changing the comma with a semicolon?

I also found the 2nd paragraph to be a bit wordy. Perhaps if you switched the words up to: The disapproving eyes of my adopted mother, attack my thoughts. ???

Another paragraph which could benefit from some editing is Paragraph 3. You wrote: "The branch I'd watched growing tantalizingly closer for my window daring me to leave." The sentence seems incomplete-fragmented but also the imagery is a bit confusing...I guess it's hard for me to imagine a tree branch growing tantalizingly closer. ?? *Confused*

The sudden changes in tense does make the story read a bit choppy. For instance: "I swallow. I'd just turned eighteen, and I finished my final...." Maybe: I swallow. Now that I'm eighteen and school is out for the summer... ?"

Oft times, just changing the succession of words, makes a huge difference in the flow of a story. For instance you wrote you:

"I strap on my heels, thoughts now focused on the big opening of the new club, Castle, that my classmates had been twittering about the last few weeks... ."

Maybe if you edited it to highlight the excitement you feel toward the opening of the new club such as: I strap on my heels and turn my thoughts to the reason I defied any good sense I may have to crawl out my bedroom window and shimmy across a branch: which is to experience the new club "Castle," that all my friends are twittering about." ???

Just some thoughts and ideas here Lady H.

Overall, however, you have the makings a good story here. You've got some really good imagery:
"my feet curl around the rough bark." And "a violent green" *Wink*, a character with emotion, some mystery and suspense...so, great job.

I hope you find any suggestions I made helpful.

Best wishes

kjo just grooving







5
5
Review of The Elevator  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings! Please know I am just a reader and this is just a humble review of your flash fiction, with no intent to judge or criticize but rather just give you thoughts and perhaps suggestions.

Thanks for sharing!

I think you managed to give us some insight into your main character in just 300 words. Well done! We know quite a bit about the woman; she is married, having an affair and likes to drink red wine. So well done with characterization which is a difficult job to do well in a novel let alone, flash fiction.

Overall, the short flowed nicely and the build up to the end was thoughtful.

I did question a few small inconsistencies: Here, you are telling us she "slipped into something more comfortable." Yet later entering the elevator she has a dress on and heels "Loosening another button on my dress, I made my way to the elevators. I could have climbed the stairs, but thirteen floors was a lot of steps in killer heels." Just adds a bit of confusion. Not that serious though, just thought you'd like to know.

Very nice ending. You left me wondering what "they" were. Well done.

Overall, a good read. I wish you best of luck in the Contest.

Write on and then, write on some more. Kjo just groovin


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)



*Flower1* Hey Brandi *Flower1*



Please know I offer comments and suggestions with an intent of sharing one reader's perspective. I am by no means a professional writer (not yet anyway)

Greetings! Congrats on having your story highlighted in the Newsletter!

I thoroughly enjoyed your short story! Truth is, I thought I was watching a live late Night Talk Show! For reals. You did a superb job with the dialogue Excellent!


I thought your questions were on point. The kind of questions any host would ask a Zombie. LOL! So Good!

I love how you humanized the Zombie (if that is even possible, LOL) With the eyeball dangling and the finger falling off...just another day in the park for the Zombie...much like any other human with their little oddities and nuances. . Right? Very well Done {i/}

There was an undertone of humor which always lightens the story. It was entertaining. Outstanding!

Your characterization was well developed for such a short story made up of all dialogue. I could visualize the Zombie and well, he wasn't pretty and he was pretty stinky as well. Superb!


Thanks for the entertaining read.

I hope you found this useful.

You have a gift. Good luck honing and nurturing it. Write on and then write on some more.

*Peace* Kjo Just Groovin *Peace*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Voices  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1* phoenixfire1 *Note1*

Greetings Newbie and Welcome! I found your flash fiction on the Request a Review page. Thanks for inviting me in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you did a great job incorporating the necessary words and creating a short-short story utilizing those words! Great Job!

I thought your story was readable and a little chilling which is a good thing for this genre. Nice work!

It's difficult to built characterization with flash fiction but you used good descriptive words, action and reaction which gave a some insight to your character. Bravo!

I do have a couple of small suggestions or observations if you will. Please remember I'm not a professional published writer. Just a peer just as you are.

Try removing some of the 'thats' from your sentences. That is a filler and it's not always necessary to the whole of the sentence. You can usually remove it without losing any meaning. For instance, you wrote: He arrived at the doors that had been heavily guarded decades before. Now all it had was a deadbolt that seemed to have already been broken by past intruders. In these two sentences you used 'that' twice. It interrupts the flow of the sentence oft times. Perhaps: He arrived at the doors which, at one time were heavily guarded. Now, there was just a deadbolt which appeared to have been broken. Perhaps by past intruders? Just a suggestion, of course. Can you notice the difference as you read it?

Also, the following sentence is a bit awkward. It's great to vary sentences but here, I'm not so sure it works. You wrote: Hands held out in front of him, he fumbled through the dark. I think it might be better to switch such as He fumbled through the dark even as his hands were held out for balance. again, just an observation.

Overall, I thought your story was good. it needs a little refining but not much and I say, Good Luck! with the contest.

if I can ever help you navigate this community, please shoot me an email.

Again, welcome.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Peace*kjo just groovin *Peace*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of Squatters  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note1* EricAnderson *Note1*

Greetings! I found your story on the request a review page and thought your title was intriguing so I stopped in for a read. Thanks for inviting me into your port.

I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Your introduction is appealing enough to encourage me to read on. So well done!

This is a peculiar story, but I liked it, though it freaked me out! It's one of those scary movies without all the blood, gore and murder. The fact this "squatter" is a voyeur in one's own home, unbeknownst is flat out creepy. So Excellent! job with originality and creep factor!

Your character is particularly dangerous because he's intelligent and mental enough to believe he is "commander" of what-ever his mind can create. Bravo! with characterization!

Overall this was well written minus a few small issues I found but may not be issues to you at all. Just observations if I may?

You wrote: "... but she covers up to make me want her naked again. " I know what you are saying here, but in the context of the sentence as a whole this part seemed a bit awkward. Perhaps, maybe a pause with a comma after "up" or adding a word such as "only" to make me want... just an observation.

The following phrase, left me a bit baffled because it makes it seem like he has a car. Am I wrong to think most street/homeless don't have a car? you wrote: "I’d be back on the highway off-ramp" it just startled me as I was reading, more like in a questioning way. *Wink*


I linger in this house, long after the girl goes out to meets her friends. {just wondering a bout the necessity of a comma after "house" I didn't sense a need for a pause here?

All in all.. Awesome! writing

It was easy to read, suspenseful and surprising. I found the theme to be original and your character was well developed for such a short story. Nice!

I hope you found this review useful.

write on and then write on some more!

*Peace*kjo just groovin *Peace*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review of I live in my Car  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1*Greetings Kbot *Note1*

Congratulations kbot. I found your story highlighted in this weeks newsletter. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This is an account of quite the life you choose to live. I found your story fascinating. And I do agree ( I lived in my car before but not by choice, just until I could save first, last and deposit. But it was October in Colorado and cold) there is a sense of freedom and liberation that comes with traveling light if you will, and you always have to think about where to park the car just as you said, and parking it close to facilities in case you need to use the restroom and to definitely brush your teeth! I find it peculiar anyone would choose to live in their car, yet its intriguing as well.

I think you helped to make your story more real and accepting because of the incidents you shared while living in your car. So Bravo!

Overall this was well written. I did find a few issues if you will that you may, or may not, want to consider editing. Such as the following inconsistency: you wrote: No I wasn't asleep at the time. But having a huge hole on top of your head at that time of the morning isn't a good feeling, much less than that big sharp bang followed by the explosive burst of glass fragments on top of you that raises you from sleep.

Since living in your car is a choice you make, I didn't have empathy for you, so it was difficult to invoke emotion but what I did feel, was a bit sad *Sad* for the lack of human interaction other than work.

Since this is a personal account, it's difficult to comment on your choices. But I do feel if you want to share your story, it could use a little rewriting so the paragraphs and sentences flow with more ease. try cutting out the often times unnecessary words such as "that" and by varying your sentence lengths so the pace is a bit less choppy. otherwise, well done!

I do hope you found this useful. Please know, I'm not a professional writer, not even published, just a peer on this site, like you. I do Salute you for living your life the way you choose, and for your courage . Stay safe and well, and I wish you much happiness.

Thank you for sharing your story.

write on and then write on some more!

*Peace* Kjo just groovin *Peace*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review of A Day in the Life  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* Greetings EmilyRobersonWallac *Note1*

I found your story on the Static List for new items, so I suspect it's just recently been edited. Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your story. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective

Overall i enjoyed the Theme and the storyline and I thought, Jada, as a character was well developed for such a short story and I could certainly envision this as a longer story. So, well done!

I enjoyed the some of your word choices which brought forth strong images to my mind's eye as I was reading, Nice Job!

I think this story has great potential! Excellent!

I do feel there are a few issues you may want to consider. May I make a few suggestions?

The first paragraph, while it did capture my interest to read further, I felt it could use a little refining and polishing by removing some of the 'that" s which are not always necessary to the meaning of the sentence and oft times, just weigh the sentence down. Also I felt the first sentence seemed to create a bit of a break in the flow, for instance : " A plethora of dark clouds invaded the sky at sunset, the air cooling with the sun's descent. The first part of the sentence, excellent, the second half seemed like it didn't match or flow. Just a thought for you to consider.

The following phrase was a bit confounding to me : a known haunt of that which she sought. I don't know that it fit with the previous phrase. it seemed a bit disjointed. Again, just thoughts for you to consider.

As an example of what I was implying with the word that, here's an example: you wrote: The law dictated that each Slayer rid the city of two dozen vermin each month, otherwise they were confined to the city until that quota was reached. If you were to delete the 'that's I feel your story would flow with more ease. Such as: The law dictated each Slayer rid the city of two dozen vermin each month, otherwise they were confined until the quota was reached. again, just thoughts for you to consider.

I enjoyed the fact you allowed the reader's to envision what the 'vermin' would look like. Excellent!

Great job adding the senses which helps to bring life to the story. *Wink*

I found a few technical errors where there were too many spaces between words. An easy fix! *Wink*

Nice ending! Well done!

Overall, I enjoyed your short story. There were a lot of strengths and few issues but I enjoyed your story and feel it promises to shine even more with a little polishing and editing.

I hope you found this review helpful. Thank you for inviting me in to your port.

*Peace* Kjo Just Groovin *Peace*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review of Iceberg Lessons  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* Greetings Amay! *Note1*


Thank you for reviewing one of my items. This is a "pay it forward review!" I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What an exciting story. I never knew having an iceberg so far away from it's inception was even possible, fiction or not, it was fascinating.

Overall your story was intriguing and full of discovery. I loved how Crystal was so captivated by the mystery bobbing away in the distance as the storm grew in strength. Excellent!

I feel the the storm itself was the main character of your story...with Crystal and Stu taking second and third string. With that being said, I think you did a fabulous job of building up the anticipation for what would happen when the storm hit. The suspense was great and I loved how you utilized the storm in all its parts to keep the reader on edge. Nice Work!

There was some nice description in your story. I felt like standing on the beach watching the storm rising and the iceberg rolling in. Well done with the visual aspect, which, all in all, means nice use of words. Superb !


I do have a few suggestions if I may? Please know , just like you, I'm a writer who loves to read and review, I'm no expert, the following is just an opinions.

"What a contrast to the warm sandy beaches she grew up going to... " It seems like this sentence is a little awkward. I think you could rewrite it so it would flow a little smoother? Sometimes, simpler is easier...such as "This rocky beach was so much different than the warm sandy beaches of her youth ? Just a suggestion..
.

There wasn’t any warm water out there that was for sure, not even now in the dog days of summer. The preceding sentence could also benefit from a small rewrite and I feel like the 'dog days of summer." phrase is a little typical.

Somehow that seemed so foreign to her. Standing on a beach covered with stones, a beach where you didn’t want to take your shoes off, much less put your toes in the water. In need of a little editing so this sentence can flow with more ease.

As she walked toward the hotel the skies grew more and more foreboding, the winds much more blustery. She could hardly stand up. Crystal felt like trying to walk in a hurricane, all tilted over to keep from toppling over. Too much repetition of the word "more."

As dinner time grew closer [,]the winds howled around the hotel. perhaps a comma after "closer?


The rains started coming down in sheets. Only it wasn’t like the sheets blowing in the gentle summer breezes, at times she could definitely see it raining sideways. maybe find another word choice for 'sheets? "


You could hear the sizzle as drops of rain fell through the chimney and hit the blazing logs. I find this a little unbelievable. Is is possible for the rain to drip down the chimney?


Crystal decided to call it a night. She pulled up the comforter and settled down for the night. Maybe another word to replace night? To ease back off the repetition
.
Crystal dreamed about the iceberg. She stood on its massive surface, climbed and explored the huge mass of ice. She determined that the mass of ice was solid under her feet. It didn’t have the feeling of floating like she expected. Crystal felt driven to explore every inch of the berg. She stood at the edge and watched the way the waves splashed up onto the iceberg. She explored the nooks and crannies, the crevices and chasms. She ran from side to side of the huge mass to see the other icebergs that floated down with the storm bounced and bobbed in the ocean. Again, just a little too much repetition of the word massive, mass, and stood.

All in all, nice job with description and characterization of the storm and the iceberg. I found your story to be suspenseful as I waited for the mystery to unfold. I thought you did a great job of describing the storm as it was unfolding. With a little rewriting and editing, this could be five stars *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

A little gem of story that needs just a little polishing. Thanks for sharing and for the opportunity to review.

Kjo just groovin. write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review of Let It Be...NOT  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1*
Greetings Amay! *Note1*


Thank you for reviewing one of my items. This is a "pay it forward review!" I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What an exciting story. I never knew having an iceberg so far away from it's inception was even possible, fiction or not, it was fascinating.

Overall your story was intriguing and full of discovery. I loved how Crystal was so captivated by the mystery bobbing away in the distance as the storm grew in strength. Excellent!

I feel the the storm itself was the main character of your story...with Crystal and Stu taking second and third string. With that being said, I think you did a fabulous job of building up the anticipation for what would happen when the storm hit. The suspense was great and I loved how you utilized the storm in all its parts to keep the reader on edge. Nice Work!

There was some nice description in your story. I felt like standing on the beach watching the storm rising and the iceberg rolling in. Well done with the visual aspect, which, all in all, means nice use of words. Superb !


I do have a few suggestions if I may? Please know , just like you, I'm a writer who loves to read and review, I'm no expert, the following is just an opinions.

"What a contrast to the warm sandy beaches she grew up going to... " It seems like this sentence is a little awkward. I think you could rewrite it so it would flow a little smoother? Sometimes, simpler is easier...such as "This rocky beach was so much different than the warm sandy beaches of her youth> ? Just a suggestion..
.

There wasn’t any warm water out there that was for sure, not even now in the dog days of summer. The preceding sentence could also benefit from a small rewrite and I feel like the 'dog days of summer." phrase is a little typical.

Somehow that seemed so foreign to her. Standing on a beach covered with stones, a beach where you didn’t want to take your shoes off, much less put your toes in the water. In need of a little editing so this sentence can flow with more ease.

As she walked toward the hotel the skies grew more and more foreboding, the winds much more blustery. She could hardly stand up. Crystal felt like trying to walk in a hurricane, all tilted over to keep from toppling over. Too much repetition of the word "more."

As dinner time grew closer [,]the winds howled around the hotel. perhaps a comma after "closer?


The rains started coming down in sheets. Only it wasn’t like the sheets blowing in the gentle summer breezes, at times she could definitely see it raining sideways. maybe find another word choice for 'sheets? "


You could hear the sizzle as drops of rain fell through the chimney and hit the blazing logs. I find this a little unbelievable. Is is possible for the rain to drip down the chimney?


Crystal decided to call it a night. She pulled up the comforter and settled down for the night. Maybe another word to replace night? To ease back off the repetition
.
Crystal dreamed about the iceberg. She stood on its massive surface, climbed and explored the huge mass of ice. She determined that the mass of ice was solid under her feet. It didn’t have the feeling of floating like she expected. Crystal felt driven to explore every inch of the berg. She stood at the edge and watched the way the waves splashed up onto the iceberg. She explored the nooks and crannies, the crevices and chasms. She ran from side to side of the huge mass to see the other icebergs that floated down with the storm bounced and bobbed in the ocean. Again, just a little too much repetition of the word massive, mass, and stood.

All in all, nice job with description and characterization of the storm and the iceberg. I found your story to be suspenseful as I waited for the mystery to unfold. I thought you did a great job of describing the storm as it was unfolding. With a little rewriting and editing, this could be five stars *Star* *Star**Star**Star**Star*.

A little gem of story that needs just a little polishing. Thanks for sharing and for the opportunity to review.

Kjo just groovin. write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review of Le Ballerina  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flowerv*Greetings!*Flowerv*

I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one 'reader's perspective. I found your short story on the Request a review page. Thanks for inviting me in.

Overall Susie, I enjoyed your story. I think you captured the essence of the "life of a ballerina." I could sense this addiction, this passion Cataline has. I sensed the driving force to dance with as much perfection as possible. You did an excellent job of luring the reader's in to Cataline's world of dance. The jealousy, the snubbery...the expectation and the dedication a ballerina must possess. Outward they seem so put together...inward, they seem so fragile in a way. *Sad*

I was attracted to this story because I just bought my grand-daughter a closet full of dance clothes and shoes because she is always fluttering about, putting on her tutu and using the window sill as a barr while kicking her legs up. She naturally just points her toes and she only three. The idea that she wants to be a ballerina, frightens me a bit *Bigsmile* Anyway, back to the review:

I didn't see any errors in the mechanics of writing, I would just like to caution you about using too many adverbs. They are necessary at times, and even useful, but for the most part they can weigh a story down, hold it back from being all it can be because they are not very descriptive. They don't add any colour or give a true picture which allows the reader to visualize the intended meaning. For instance, you wrote: I rolled my eyes and waited patiently for my name to be called You could exclude the adverb altogether without losing any meaning, but to add more interest to the sentence, you could elaborate : example: I rolled my eyes and breathed in making sure to stand as dignified as my 15 (18, 17, 19, 13) years would allow, yet inside I was .... ." Well I didn't want to rewrite the sentence for you, but I'm sure you catch my meaning and see how it adds more interest when you replace the adverb with more description which just increases the dimension of your characters. Just a thought to consider. *Bigsmile*


In addition, as I was reading I got a little confused as you changed from first person to third person.

Over all Susie, Great Job *Bigsmile* I enjoyed this story and you did an excellent job of bringing the reader's into Cataline's world of dance.

I do hope you found this review helpful.

*Peace*Kjo just groovin *Peace*

14
14
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Hektor Thillet *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Great title, very intriguing! I thought your story was very original and interesting. In fact, it reads like a fable or an allegory.

There are a few small issues with regards to grammar and the mechanics of writing but they are easy to address if you choose.

I think you've done a good job with characterization. I've learned quite a bit about your court jester. Excellent!

May I make some suggestions?


Like any other court jester, his job was to make the king laugh. And this he indeed carry out with high praise. In these sentences, It's best not to begin a sentence with conjunctions such as "but" or "and". Also, do you mean 'carried' out?


But although such flattery would have been well received by just about any other fool who had been court jester to the king, he wasn't just like any other fool. Here I just wanted to mention again, its best not to begin a sentence with 'but' and also, i think the sentence could be refined and polished so it reads smoother. It suffers a bit from wordiness and repetition. Perhaps Although such flattery may have been well received by other fools, he wasn't like any other fool. Or something to that effect. *Wink*

while everyone rested soundly asleep from another day of laughing, and carrying nothing but a bindle stick stuffed with a piece of bread and a bit of wine, the court jester simply vanished. Is bindle a word? A bit of wordiness with 'rested soundly asleep'


Well on his way was the court jester by morning. The previous sentence seems a bit awkward. Also there is a shift in voice from narrator to third person, so its a bit jarring. His first thought as a traveler had been to find someone who would not laugh at him, if this was at all possible. It's best, whenever possible to use active voice. Active voice helps to make your story come alive and involves the reader as the plot unfolds.


I think you have the beginnings of a fine story here. There is good characterization, action, conflict and perhaps a lesson or two for the reader to ponder. It does need some refining and polishing so it can shine as bright as you intended. All the above comments are just observations and just one reader's opinion. I'm far from an expert.

I do hope you find this useful and I hope this is taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended.

Thanks for sharing and good luck writing!

*Peace*Kjo just groovin'
15
15
Review of Triple Danger  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There BIG BAD WOLF *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! found your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think your story was original and creative. So well done!

Overall, your theme kept me interested and my curiosity high. I wanted to know what was going to happen next. So this is a good thing. *Wink*

You presented the readers with a theme, gave us supporting action and suspense and then gave us a nice little chuckle with the ending line. For me, the last line was the highlight, *Bigsmile*, in which your obvious humor shined through.

I will say, there were some high moments and some low moments in the story as well.

Some of the high moments I already mentioned. I'd also like to comment on what I thought were some of the low moments and make some observations if I may?

There was on line the author made which I felt was a bit of a stereotype and I must say, I was a bit offended. Of course I'm just one reader, and maybe it wouldn't bother anyone else. It had to do with the comment made by the first "triple danger" Julia when she compared his to a entire ethnic group. I wonder, was this necessary to the story? Sometimes, it's important as writers to ask the question, how does this comment relate to the conflict or the theme or the character, ect. The author might discover, the comment isn't necessary and has no pertinence to the story as a whole. As you know, writer's have a huge responsibility. I had a spot on, very astute English teacher once tell me; "if you think it's clever, it probably isn't" This one small, statement has had a huge impact on me as a writer especially when I consider this "huge responsibility." I'm not criticising you, by any means, just making an observation. *Wink*

Also, while this story is, without a doubt, fiction, there is a level of 'believability that must exist in order for the reader to believe the actions of the character, the conflict, the plot ect. While I felt it was creative and original, I'm not sure I believed. Part of this is because, Rodger didn't seem that much in pain when Julia pretty much severed him. It was yeow for a minute and the author mentioned blood but as I reader, I didn't feel his pain. This was in part due to the lack of overall 'emotion' in the story and because I felt the reader was 'telling' us about the pain rather than showing t he reader how much pain Rodger must have been in. Showing, whenever possible is always preferred over 'telling.'

I did find a few small errors in grammar. Nothing major. *Wink*


What are you going to me? For instance, this sentence seems to be missing a word.


Now where would the fun be if I let you leave without you paying for all of the worry you've caused your wife. [?] a question mark ? In this sentence, I felt it was a bit wordy. More so than what some crazed chick might say right before she's about to deliver some pretty severe punishment. Just some thoughts for you to ponder. I like to say, oft times, it's best to keep it simple; choosing less words, yet words with more impact or substance. Again, just a thought to consider.


and another woman were in another room... . You may want to consider a different word to cut back on the repetition.

And last, I'd like to mention adverbs. Adverbs, as you know are useful and oft times, even necessary. Most often then not, our sentences are better off without them. Adverbs tend to trap writers in a lazy zone. They don't offer much description, and they can be removed from a sentence without losing any meaning. I tend to think, the over use of adverbs creates a more 'tell' then 'show' quality in our stories. Even if the writer were to replace one adverb with more, words, the result is most often, a more polished, descriptive and active sentence.

For instance, take the following sentence I copied from your story. "Then she started to crack it experimentally." How important is the adverb 'experimentally' to the whole of the sentence? What does the reader learn from this word? If you were to remove the word altogether, something a bit more exciting happens to the sentence because it allows the reader to wonder, how is she cracking it? And we become involved and curious. As you know, this could be a good thing. However, if the writer was to take it one step further and replace the adverb with more words, then the action, the conflict comes alive to the reader and perhaps we can envision the action unfolding while giving us insight into the character, the action or the conflict. Example: Then she started to crack it and he felt the swoosh of air as it came just a millimeter away from his skin. The large smack resounded in his ears causing the hairs on the back of his neck to rise up as fear coursed through his body.

Ok, well you may not like me words, but I'm sure you get my point. Too many adverbs are distracting and don't offer much in the way of description. Again, just thoughts for you to ponder.

I think you have a fantastic start here. There are many great elements to your story but I think it could be polished and refined a bit so it can shine as bright as you intended.

I do hope this is taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended. Thanks for sharing.

write on and then write on some more!

*Peace* Kjo just groovin'
16
16
Review of Into the Fog  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4* *Note4* hey There Chelsea Reese *Note4**Note4*

Opps! I cleared the rating and started over because in the original review, I hit the wrong button on my keyboard and it sent the review before I was finished. Aaarggggh!



Greetings! I found your item on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I liked the title of your item. The idea of "Into the Fog" was intriguing. So nice job with the title. This is an account or narrative, if you will about your journey out of the fog of disillusionment and self-destruction it seems. Overall, there is this absorbing aesthetic to your item. Coming out of the fog and facing your demons and going forward in life is quite the journey. I found it to be captivating, written with a lot of passion and hope. it's really about finding your true purpose and then going forward with hope and I could sense this. So well done. excellent!

I don't know that I'd categorize this as a short story. It's a personal journey full of metaphors so it reads more like prose.

I think this was important for to write, even necessary. I can sense the pain you've been through and the hope of coming out of the fog and into the light. I love the supplications in the story...but I must say there were a few places I was a bit confused because in a couple of sentences you mention God but then write it wasn't a divine hand but a familiar one so it sent up a little red flag. maybe you can clarify a bit more?

This has such great promise but it does need a little more proofing. may i make some suggestions?

There were quite a few issues with punctuation. Deciding where to place commas or use other types of punctuation such as semi colons, ect, can be confounding. I still struggle as well. Punctuation can make or break a sentence, if you will, because to many commas can cause choppiness and change the pace and not enough can interfere with the flow. it's difficult to find that balance. What helps me is I read the sentence out loud and where I feel it needs a pause, or i pause naturally, I add a comma. After reading, I copied a few of your sentences to make a few suggestions. I didn't copy them all. I place the added commas in brackets for you.

With each step taken[,] I can feel the weight .

With a few final pull[,] my hand reaches the top of the cliff

Looking back now [,] I hesitate to take my next step

With no visibility[,] I helplessly

Falling to my knees [,]my cries

The above samples were just a few I found. There were also a few issues with grammar. Nothing major and easy to edit if you so desire.

Thoughts that begin to cloud my judgment the further I climb. The previous phrase, is just that, a phrase because it's incomplete. it's missing because it's missing a subject/ verb or a noun/pronoun. With incomplete phrases, it becomes a "fragment". oft times, you can just connect either the previous sentence or the one after to make it complete.

With no visibility I helplessly feel my way towards the Cliff side looking for a way to get to the top. The Top of the cliff is where my destination lay, where I know if I reach out I will be able to touch my awaiting light. In this sentence, there is a bit of repetition in words and a little wordiness. You could rewrite it to flow with more ease.[c:blue} Sometimes keeping it simple is more profound. For instance: I feel helpless under the pull of this fog and yet I know I must get to the top. At this moment, the desire to reach my purpose is stronger than the fear tumbling within because I know the light at the summit of this cliff will redeem me. Or something to that effect. You may not like my words but you get my meaning. yes, I may have used more words...but they each word was used to support the next word which help to support the theme and strengthen the meaning of the sentence.

Falling to my knees my cries take over my body completely. These tears have been trapped for so long, having them release pulls away all the weight that is still baring down on me. Feeling like a cloud floating effortlessly through the endless blue sky. here again, just a little wordiness. I think you could maybe polish and refine this a little. Perhaps: I fall to my knees as sobs wrack my body. The tears fall without shame, cleansing me from within; taking away the weight of my past regressions. My spirit is lifted and I feel as though I'm floating through a cloudless azure sky... Again, just thoughts for you to consider.

As hard as I try not to, I can feel the pull of the demons from my past trying to drag me back to the place I have tried so hard to escape. I think this needs a little rewrite to remove some of the wordiness.

My face, once dry, is now laced with streams of water, I pray that it is the gods raining their healing mist upon me, to save my soul from the black hole engulfing my being. it's best to make every word count. You'll find the sentences will read with more ease and your meaning will be more profound.

bare toes. I don't know that 'bare' is necessary. toes would probably suffice.

I think you have a powerful self-discovery here. You wrote with a lot of emotion and passion and I loved the idea of hope regardless of the demons you face. we all have our Goliaths but there is hope. I love that! This has such grand possibility. it just needs a little more polish and refinement so it can shine as bright as you intended.

i do hope this has been useful

write on and then write on some more!

*Peace* Kjo just groovin



17
17
Review of Into the Fog  
Rated: E | (4.0)

*Note4**Note4*hey There Chelsea Reese *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your item on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of shairng one reader's perpsective.

I liked the title of your item. The idea of "Into the Fog" was intriguing. So nice job with the title. This is an account or narrative, if you will about your journey out of the fog of disillushionment and self-destruction it seems. Overall, there is this absorbing aesthetic to your item. Coming out of the fog and facing your demons and going forward in life is quite the journey. I found it to be captivating, written with a lot of passion and hope. it's really about finding your true purpose and then going forward with hope and I could sense this. So well done. {c;blue}excellent!

I don't know that I'd categorize this as a short stort. It's a personal journey full of metaphors so it reads more like prose.

I think this was important for to write, even necessary. I can sense the pain you've been through and the hope of coming out of the fog and into the light. I love the supplications in the story...but I must say there were a few places I was a bit confused because in a couple of sentences you mention God but then write it wasn't a devine hand but a familiar one so it sent up a little red flad. maybe you can clarify a bit more?

This has such great promise but it does need a little more proofing. may i make some suggestions?

There were quite a few issues with punctuation. Deciding where to place commas or use other types of punctuation such as semi colons, ect, can be confounding. I still struggle as well. Punction can make or break a sentence, if you will, because to many commas can cause choppiness and change the pace and not enough can interfer with the flow. it's difficult to find that balance. What helps me is I read the sentence out loud and where I feel it needs apause, or i pause naturally, I add a comma. After reading, I copied a few of your sentences to make afew suggestions. I didn't copy them all. I place the added commas in brackets for you.

With each step taken[,] I can feel the weight .

With a few final pull[,] my hand reaches the top of the cliff

Looking back now [,] I hesitate to take my next step

With no visibility[,] I helplessly

Falling to my knees [,]my cries

The above samples were just afew I found. There were also a few issues with grammar. Nothing major and easy to edit if you so desire.

Thoughts that begin to cloud my judgment the further I climb The previous phrase, is just that, a phrase because it's incomplete. it's missing because it's missing a subject/ verb or a noun/pronoun. With incomplete phrases, it becomes a "fragment". oft times, you can just connect either the previous sentence or the one after to make it complete.

With no visibility I helplessly feel my way towards the Cliffside looking for a way to get to the top. The Top of the cliff is where my destination lay, where I know if I reach out I will be able to touch my awaiting light. In this sentence, there is a bit of repetition in words and a little wordiness. You could rewrite it to flow with more ease. Sometimes keeping it simple is more profound. For instance: I feel helpless under the pull of this fog and yet I know I must get to the top. At this moment, the desire to reach my purpose is stronger than the fear tumbling within because I know the light at the summit of this cliff will redeem me. Or something tothat effect. You may not like my words but you get my meaning. yes, I may have used more words...but they each word was used to support the next word which help to support the theme and strengthen the meaning of the sentence.

Falling to my knees my cries take over my body completely. These tears have been trapped for so long, having them release pulls away all the weight that is still baring down on me. Feeling like a cloud floating effortlessly through the endless blue sky

As hard as I try not to, I can feel the pull of the demons from my past trying to drag me back to the place I have tried so hard to escape


My face, once dry, is now laced with streams of water, I pray that it is the gods raining their healing mist upon me, to save my soul from the black hole engulfing my being.
bare toes
18
18
Rated: E | (4.0)

*Note4**Note4* hey There Aaralyn *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I love the anticipation your story has produced. I think you're off to a great start with your mystery as far as the theme and your character's conflict. excellent!

I was intrigued by your title and the byline. Wonderful title and opening line.It captured my interest.

Sorry that you feel stuck and are not sure how to continue the story. It's your creation...and i think you have a great beginning. Sometimes, we just need to step away from our writings for a day or two or more and then we can get a fresh perspective. I see many ways you can go to further the story...a few ideas perhaps: Your byline suggests..a scent of lavender...your character notices the scent gets stronger as she goes in a certain direction...she follows it and as she gets closer, she discovers a trap door and finds our how to open it then finds her self in the most beautiful bedroom...the lavender scent is making her sleepy, she curls up on the bed and falls into a dream state...and then a Merlin comes to her in her dream and reveals... as she's exploring her surroundings, the eye that's watching her becomes a fog and then the fog becomes the nun from the picture... Well you get my point, there's so many ways you can continue the story.

I do have a few observations and suggestions which may help to polish and refine what you already have.



The scent of lavender was overpowering. That was the first thing she noticed upon waking. In these sentences which I copied ...I love your opening line...it's creative, suggests action and it's intriguing. But I wanted to mention, it's probably not a good idea to begin a sentence with 'that'. You could combine the two together. And it will help with the pace and the flow. Too many short sentences create a choppiness in the flow. For instance: The scent of lavender was overpowering as she woke, hovering over her like a mist yet she couldn't see it, just smell its calming properties. or something to that effect. I'm sure you get my point.


A million questions started flowing through her head one after another. Where was she? Why was she here? And more importantly who had brought her here? Here again, it's best not to begin a sentence with superfluous words such as 'that' or with conjunctions such as 'and, but, or, ...ect." Perhaps you could fuse the sentence together such as: A million questions rushed through her head. Where was she, why was she here and how on earth did she get here? The possible answers forced her body to shiver..sending chills up her spine." Also watch your word choices. As you can see, I replaced 'flowing' with rushed, because it seemed like a better choice...a stronger word choice for the situation. Just a thought to consider Another example of word choices is the following sentence I copied. You wrote: Slowly she spun in a slow circle to take in her surroundings. You used slow twice and then you used 'spun' it's not incorrect, but 'spun' seems fast to me...not slow...so it's a bit of a contradiction? Again, just thoughts for you to consider.

I also wanted to mention the use of adverbs. For such a short introduction to your story...you used quite a few and some you used more than once like slowly. Adverbs can create a laziness in our writing and tend to 'tell' a story more than they 'show' the story unfolding. it is a trap writers fall into. I have to catch myself as well. Adverbs can most often, just be omitted with out losing any meaning in the sentence so they don't offer much in description, but if you replace the one adverb with more word which are more descriptive...the scene or setting or character, becomes more visual to the reader.


The building she was in seemed to be made of stone, perhaps it was a castle? The room appeared to be very archaic. Everything was of excellent quality. When the previous set of sentences, I just wanted to caution on using too many short sentences, they do affect the flow of a story. You could combine them: The building seemed to be made of stone like a castle. Every where her eyes wandered, she was reminded of archaic times yet, there was a sense of elegance and quality.


She whirled around only to see nothing except glass shards on the ground and a broken window. This was good in the way that it meant she would finally find out what the outside surroundings looked like and how high up she was. I think you could refine these sentences a bit so they flow with more ease. She whirled around to see glass shards on the ground and a broken window sending in a cool breeze. Surprise lit up in her eyes; excellent she thought, maybe now I can get a better idea of where I am. When she gazed out the window, disappointment crept over her face and her heart sunk because she saw nothing , nothing outside the window for miles.

Again, just thoughts for you to consider.


I see the possibilities of your story and I think you're off to a grand beginning. It's this little gem of a story that needs just a little polishing so it can shine as brilliant as you intended.

There are many successful elements of short-story writing here. there is intrigue and action, and mystery with a character who has conflict to overcome...I love sense of anticipation you've created. *Wink*

I do hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more! Thanks for sharing...and best of luck with continuing your story!

*Peace* Kjo just groovin'



19
19
Review of Mary Ann  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There New Beginnings *Note**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you have a fine story here. It reads with ease and it seems you used your words wisely with very little wordiness and just enough description and history without bogging the reader's down with too many details. So great job with keeping it simple with a few surprises.

It seems like you have a good handle on the importance of proofreading and editing. There were few to no errors in grammar and in the mechanics of writing! WooHoo! This not only helps the overall story unfold with greater ease, but also helps to keep the reader engaged, especially if they're not tripping over errors. excellent job with presenting a polished and professional story.

Overall, I think you've exhibited some effective elements of short-story writing. Yeah Bravo!

I do have a couple minor observations if I may?

I felt the opening sentence was a bit too casual since this is not a place Susan has ever been. Perhaps instead of "Sit any where you like. I'll bring you a menu." The raven-haired lady, Samantha, strolled up to Susan you could write: The raven-haired waitress strolled up to Susan." with this minor change, the reader's are identifying that the raven-haired lady is not a 'friend' but a stranger who happens to be a waitress. It makes more sense to me since Susan doesn't know her and has never been to this diner, ? Just a thought for you to consider.

The only other thought I have is...what makes Susan so trusting and vulnerable? Would she really impose on strangers and perhaps place her and her baby's life in danger? So if you are going to leave it as it is...perhaps you can add a little history on Susan...such as When she has her self-talk moments...perhaps she could also say...'my momma warned me many-a-time not to be so trusting.' Or something to that effect. this will help to make the scenes where Susan allows Marianna to take her home more believable.

As it is right now, I question the believability of Susan just throwing all caution in to the wind...especially when she seems to be an otherwise, smart girl.

I wouldn't say your story is original or titillating, but it is overall well written and you did keep my interest. Your writing is solid and I like the few unexpected twists. Excellent!

Thanks for sharing your story. I do hope you found this useful. If you decided to submit, best of luck!

Write on and then write on some more!

*Peace*Kjo just groovin,
20
20
Review of Emerald  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
*Note4**Note4**Note4* Hey There Nathan Peterson *Note4**Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

One of the first things I want to say is please don't get discouraged by the low rating! There is a lot to be excited about with your story. I think you have a great story-line and your main character is endearing because she's sad and dejected and made a mistake and lives her life in regret but, so many readers can relate to her. She is easy to care about and connect too. I think you did a great job with helping the reader identify with her situation and empathize with her. We want her to live and overcome her conflict! So excellent job with characterization and emotion for emerald!

Too, I found your opening paragraph exciting and intriguing. I caught my attention and encouraged me to read on. superb job with opening paragraph!

In addition, you have maintained your theme throughout the story, given the readers a opening, the body and the end with a few surprises along the way, so Bravo! You have some successful elements of short story writing!

So, you ask, why did I give you such a low rating? While there is substance to your story, overall, it wasn't such a smooth read. There were issues with grammar and the mechanics of writing. By grammar, I mean issues with sentence structures that were a bit confusing, wordiness, errors in tense, too many shifts in point-of-view and in the mechanics, there were some issues with punctuation, commas when you should have used either a period or a semi-colon ,ect. These 'issues' all influence whether a story unfolds with ease...and whether a reader is engaged and becomes an active participant of the story, envisioning the settings, the characters, the conflict; whether the reader can sense the emotions in the story and ect.

May I make some suggestions?

Two things I noticed which aren't necessarily incorrect but I'd like to comment on anyways are how many adverbs you used in your story and the use of 'that.' Neither of them are incorrect. And oft times both of them are necessary. However, both can weigh a sentence down and both can be distracting to the reader. let me expand. Adverbs can create a laziness in our writing because it's oft times easier to ad an 'ly' to the end of a word rather than use more words which may be more descriptive. Adverbs tend to 'tell' a story rather than 'show' the readers the story unfolding. Too many adverbs weigh down a story with details. More times than not, adverbs can be removed without losing any of the sentence's meaning.

For example, what can the reader's learn from the three adverbs you used in the following sentence?

The wound is grievous but not deadly in it’s own right, but coupled with the inwardly-protruding bone and the other injuries she sustained it could prove to be deadly. Perhaps the scene and the conflict would be more believable and easier for the reader to envision if we could see it rather than being told it's happening. For instance: The wound itself isn't life-threatening though it is oozing a lot of blood. It's the internal injuries that are threatening to suck the life out of her because broken bones have punctured precious organs and so she has internal bleeding. Ok, you may not like my words, but I'm sure you catch my meaning. Oft times,more words in the
place of an adverb can be more effective to the sentence as a whole. just a thought for you to consider.

The other observation, is the use of that. Too many that's are distracting and as i mentioned, weigh a sentence down. Take the following sentence for instance. I copied this from your story. You wrote: "Ron realized at that moment[,] that the intruder is crazy, believing that he is some kind of deity or devil, and with that realization[,] he understood that he might have to kill the boy anyways." I crossed out a few of the 'thats' and I also suggested some commas in brackets which may help in how the sentence reads. These are only suggestions, but 'that' isn't always necessary to the success of a sentence and oft times can just be omitted or even replaced with 'which' *Wink*


The night found her, opening her loosening consciousness possibly for the very last time. with the underlined word, there was a bit of confusion. I'm not sure what you meant, needs clarification.

just like his boys bum satisfied that urge for a good long time after, I know what you meant with the underlined word but it seems rather elementary in word choice for such a devious and disgusting act. it's not wrong...just may want to use a stronger word . ?

He’s not a drunk at all, usually only having one or two beers a night, but not tonight. He already called in to the office stating that he wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be in tomorrow (no one would say a word if they figured he had a twelve hour flu), and now all there was left to do this evening is enjoy the gentle waves of his fine _____and the wonderful throbbing of his knuckles that beat the bitch half-to-death, and get drunk. With the phrases i colored in blue, I just wanted to make you aware of the contradiction, or what appears to be a contradiction. He's not drinking and yet he's going to get drunk...sends mixed messages to the reader. *Wink*

As far as a few issues with grammar, I wanted to mention, the abrupt change in tense and in point-of-view. In the following excerpt I copied from your story.... You wrote :The perfect set of teeth that had been there only a few moments before was now yellowed and aged, the two K9’s on his top teeth were now long, pointy vampire . Perhaps the sentence would be more successful such as: The perfect set of teeth he had just moments before, were now yellow and crooked; the two k9 were now razor sharp, like a vampires.


The following is another tense issue, you wrote I tried finding you over the years, but I can’t. I tried finding you over the years but, the more I searched the less I discovered.

More than anything, the constant interruptions from a narrator, were distracting. All the interjections in the parentheses were not really necessary and, as I mentioned distracting. As an example...your wrote:

"She wanted to live, even if it meant the agony of a few more years of pain and torture, loaning herself out for two-fifty an hour. She believed the stranger (angel, Death, whatever) had told the truth when he said that she would have more heart ache and finally some peace and quiet.

And then, for a moment before passing out again (or being fed a lovely thing called morphine through a tube being inserted into her arm) she saw him: a well dressed man standing in the hallway... ." The narrator interjected in almost every paragraph. A bit of a overkill. Just thought you may want to know.

As far as the mechanics of writing...I made a few suggestions in punctuation, there were more. I'd suggest another proofing for punctuation and wordiness as well. It's best to make every word count and make each word as active as possible so the reader in enthralled and engaged in the story as if it's happening as they are reading.

Your story has a lot to offer a reader. It is dark and disturbing...debased even. However, unfortunate for humans...there are a lot of disturbing and debased things in and of this world. Your story rings true in many disturbing ways and can be considered a brutal exposition on the dark and the distrubing world of abuse that can provoke a life of prostitution,self-destruction, murder, and other serious social crimes such as incest, rape ect.

I think you have the makings of a fine story here but it isn't without a few issues which could use some refining and polishing so it can shine as bright as you intended.

I do hope you found this review useful and helpful yet encouraging.

Write on and then write on some more.

*Peace* kjo just groovin'
21
21
Review of Live your dreams  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Kalistra *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and clicked in for a read. You are receiving this review as part of the Power Reviewers Raid. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think your story is unique and yet it has universal appeal. I can venture to say, most women who read this story can relate to its theme is some way or another.

As women, we are so conditioned to serve our partners. We take the death do us part in sickness and in health to heart and spend over half of our lives serving our families and forget about our own desires and dreams!

I can certainly relate to your character and can say I almost did the same. Thank goodness I opted to take responsibility for changing things.

Anyway, I think you have a heart-warming, sad and yet real story here.
Your characterization could be any wife and mother around the world perhaps this is why your wife and mother has no name. excellent!

I thought this was well- written. I saw no glaring mistakes in grammar or in the mechanics of writing. There was action, heart, emotion and as a reader, I was rooting for your character to stand up and start making some demands. Well done!

And while she didn't, i thought the ending was not-far-from- reality for most women. I can still salute her...because she was brave enough to branch out even if for a while....it's okay that she didn't have the strength to see her dreams completed...for some it takes a while longer, next times i sense she'll take even a bigger step. *Wink*

My point here, well done with characterization. The conflict was believable and I feel like you were showing me the story as it unfolded rather than being told. So Bravo to you.

I thought your words choices were spot on....with a nice balance of sentence lengths which helped with the pace of the story so the reader could experience each moment with your protagonist. Though this was a first person narrative...I think the action, the realness of your character and it's universal appeal emotion helped to make this story successful. Write on!

I have no suggestions and overall thought your story was a joy to read.

I hope you found this useful.

*Peace* Kjo just groovin'








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22
22
Review of Bronze  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Kam *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you did a fine job of portraying the high level of competition between the young men of this tribe. It's obvious your characters place a lot of value on 'graduating to higher grades" by overcoming "monumental tasks' And your story was believable to me and this is a valuable as a reader. Well done

I like how you authenticated parts of your story by describing how the village celebrates...with the soup, the yams and the bragging. This added a level of not just believability to your story, but also authenticated the writer's knowledge. Excellent!

The only observation I have about the competitors from varying villages...I didn't really get this. It seemed to me as I was reading, that they were all from the same village. Just a thought for you to consider

You did a great job of showing the reader how competitive men are no matter if they're from a small village, the city, the country or wherever. In this sense, it has universal appeal. *Wink*

You have some nice action which helped the plot to unfold with ease. Superb!

One other observation I have is watch your adverb use. Adding an 'ly' to the end of a word doesn't make the sentence more descriptive. In fact, oft times adverbs rend a sentence useless and weigh them down. Adverbs, of course are useful and have a place but most times they can be removed without losing any significance to the sentence. The problem with too many adverbs is they create a laziness in our writing. It's easier to add an 'ly' to the end of a word rather then find more words which bring more richness and descriptive. Adverbs can fall in to the area of 'telling' a story rather than showing. Showing, as you know, is preferred whenever possible. You may want to reconsider some of your adverbs such as quickly, proudly, wryly, fairly openly, easily, mockingly, ect.

Otherwise, I found your story to be well written with nice use of action. The story was simple yet not simplistic, easy to read, with a good measure of emotion and believability.

Well done!

I do hope you found this useful. Thanks for inviting me in.

*Peace* Kjo just groovin'
23
23
Review of The Tower  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

*Note4**Note4* Hey There Henry *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I was intrigued and lured in to your story by the title and it's brief synopsis. I hope you find my comments helpful, please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I can respect about your skills as a story writer is how you 'lure' and draw the reader in to the story. You are, in this respect, a 'seasoned writer". Superb!

Your skills in this fantasy-horror genre kept me on the edge of my seat. My every emotion was in tune the descent of your character, his discovery became mine, his fears, his questions, his madness...my senses were alive with his. Eeck! Masterful

Your attention to description was near perfection....not so much detail which I applaud, but sheer description which brought your setting alive...this dream-like vision in all it's inequities and horrors, and yes even beauty alive in my mind's eye. Superb!

I do have a few small observations to make if I may?



My mind was a torrent of questions at that moment, for I knew nothing but what my five senses saw fit to give me. Just question the necessity of the underlined phrase, it seems like an after thought.


At this point, as I regained my true mind and spirit, a feeling of the slightest dread seemed to descend upon me. {c:blue] Here again, just wonder if the underlined words are necessary to the whole of the sentence? They seem unnecessary to me.

No–it was a gnawing, nauseating sensation that thrashed about in my core. Slowly, like a virus, it moved within my human instrument. Inch by inch it crawled, present at the back of my stomach like some haunting memory I might fight to hide. I love your ability to keep the reader compelled and engaged...but there are a few inconsistencies here. Some of your words choices are spot on, thrilling and disturbing, yet...I question 'thrashing" seems opposite of "slowly" and "thrashing" seems opposite of 'crawled' Just a thought for you to consider.

Louder they rose, the words incomprehensible now due to the sheer number of voices. Louder and louder until I bawled in agony, my mind–my ears–begged for relief. I fell to my knees, my hands now pressed firmly to my head. I'd say this is a very successful sentence. My only thought is...a bit wordy. For instance: Louder and Louder these voices grew in number until they were incomprehensible. I bawled in agony as they pierced my being, until my mind--my ears begged for relief. I fell to my knees, my hands hammering against my ears." Just a thought to consider...by changing a few words around...you can add a bit more drama and lessen the use of words?

This was it! So small and inconsequential to the whole of your story...but considering the aptness of your skills as a writer, I thought you'd want to know what observations I had as a reader. *Wink*

The story was a successful Poe-like representation and indeed, "rife" with allegory, alliteration and methaphors" The back story was engrossing. The dream-like epiphany was surreal and life-like. Excellent use of imagry and action which moved the plot along with ease and with masterful intent. You managed to keep me compelled and intrigued, horrified and surprised, shuddering with one suspenseful twist after another. You used your words with deliberate intent...well chosen and purposeful....like daggers in the heart of our emotions...keeping me engrossed and engaged-- both beautiful and eloquent, haunting and apocalyptic use of language. Bravo!

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for the read.

*Peace* Kjo just groovin'
24
24
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Green-Giffy *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story in the Request a Review page and clicked in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Overall green-giffy, I liked your story. I think you remained committed to the plot and theme of your story and then gave us a little conflict, a little action and some characterization all of which helped to substantiate some of the elements of short-story writing. Write on!

It appears this short story was for a contest? I say this because of the highlighted words, which, by the way, I felt you used very well. *Wink*

In general, I found your story easy to read and enjoyable.

There were no major issues with grammar and the mechanics of writing. Yeah! *Bigsmile* However, there were a few small errors which are easy to address if you chose. May I make some suggestions?

Let's look at your opening paragrpah. The several short sentences gives your opening paragrpah a sort of choppiness, and then there's a little run on sentence where you left out punctuation. No biggie *Wink*

I stared at the pot before me. The cauldron was set on top of a fire, boiling. I used a ladle to stir the mixture I was in the cemetery, with only the pot and the full moon. I wasn't afraid. To help this opening paragrpah read a bit more smoothly without the use of so many "I"'s how about: The cauldron was boiling over the raging fire I started in the cemetery under the Erie light of the full moon. I picked up the ladle and stirred the mixture and though there was a mixture of anxiousness and anticipation stirring within me, I wasn't afraid. Or something to that effect. Here, I lessened the use of the pronoun "I" and added a little more drama for interest? Another way to add drama and interest is to change from first person narrative to third person. It's not wrong of course to use first person narrative, but oft times, it changes the "life and richness" of the story to change the 'voice." Just a thought, but this is how it would read: The cauldron was boiling over the raging fire she started in the cemetery under the Erie light of the full moon. She picked up the ladle and stirred the mixture and though there was a mixture of anticipation and anxiousness stirring within her, she wasn't afraid. Just thoughts for you to consider.

In the mechanics of writing, you may want to use no spaces between your sentences and then indent the first word in each paragraph so the overall effect looks more polished and refined.

To help the following sentence read with more ease: Instead of:
I felt self-conscious, but I couldn't show it now. Not when I was so close to getting his knife, which was at the near back of his belt. Perhaps: I felt self-conscious, but I couldn't show it not now when I was so close to getting the knife which was at the back of his belt.


In the following sentence there is a little repetition with 'face."
Jack leaned in closer to me. I could barely see his face since I was blocking the light from getting on his face. Instead: Jack leaned in so close there was no room for even a sliver of light to illuminate his handsome features. Or some like that.

I snatched the knife, then pushed him away from me. He was surprise alright, his expression couldn't hide him. This sentence seems a little unfinished and in this sense "surprise' should be "surprised". Maybe: I snatched the knife then pushed him away. His surprise at my artfulness came alive in his eyes and then his lips curled up in a mocking grin. You may not like my words, but I'm sure you get my point.

I loved the tension between your characters. It's as if they are attracted to each other but are trying to fight it off. Great job with dialogue and emotion. Superb!

I think your story has so much to offer. You've utilized many of the elements of short-story writing effectively. Excellent!

This just needs a little refining and polishing so it can shine a bright as you intended.

I do hope you've found this useful. Thanks for inviting me in for a read.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Peace* Kjo just groovin'
25
25
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Mordaxius *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

First, to answer your question, yes I found your story to be intriguing, interesting and compelling. So no worries. *Wink*

Second, your story was well written. I saw nothing in the area of grammar or in the mechanics of writing that I stumbled over as I was reading. Excellent!

I'm not one for fantasy or sci-fi reading but you did an exceptional job of keeping me interested.

On to the substance of the story...the dialogue was superb. I got a great sense of characterization for both Humphrey and Porter. They came alive for me because you gave they personality and nuances and body language. Excellent!


There was action both in the scenes with Humphrey and Porter and with the chaos on the city streets. I found their political talk engaging and curious as they debated over the Ogres and the trolls. Superb!

I appreciated the fact there was a back story, history and the present dangers and concerns. write on.

Just in the first chapter, you manged to give us characterization, conflict, action, dialogue and settings. With this you are , without a doubt , exhibiting masterful techniques in the art of short-story writing. Superb!

If I have one observation, its to watch your adverb use. For a first chapter, I think you used a few too many. It's best to minimize their use. While they are useful and oft times, even necessary, they can make us lazy in our writing because they lend themselves to telling rather than showing and they weight our sentences down with details rather than descriptions. Here's a few that you used: Primly, irritably, hardly, vehemently, gladly, completely, possibly, surprisingly, possibly, airily, anxiously, awkwardly. More often then not, adverbs can be removed from our sentences without losing any of the meaning. Sometimes, it's more meaningful to remove the one add verb and add more words which are more descriptive. Just thoughts for you to consider.

otherwise you're off to a fine start and I would, without a doubt be interested in reading further.

Write on and then write on some more!

I hope you found this useful

*Peace* Kjo just groovin

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