This story offers the possibility of intrigue and mystery set in an exotic and foreign location. However, there are a few areas where I feel the author could improve to tell the reader what kind of story they are in for without using a Shakespearean quote. For this review, I will probably be pointing out some very nit-picky things, though that is a sign that the story is well written and just in need of polish. Also, bear in mind that these are my opinions and not hard facts.
My first point was alluded to earlier in my review with the mention of Shakespeare and the opening quote. I feel that the opening line of any story should pose something to catch my interest. A good opening line should leave me asking questions that I need answers to and must continue reading to find. A quote like that would be better placed separate from the actual story, most likely on a page by itself, to inform the reader of the mindset that they should take going into the account. Now, I will forgive the use of the quote in this opening chapter as it fits the medium better. Still, perhaps in the future, the author could convey the same feeling in their opening line using other descriptions, for example, "Hannah watched the plane disappearing into the overcast sky above her, the roiling clouds matching her mood." However, that is just an example and may not adequately convey the author's intent. All-in-all, the author did an excellent job of portraying what sort of story I was going to read.
My second point was the use of telling instead of showing. Especially in the opening of a story, it is essential to show me the character and the world that I've just stepped inside. However, the first few lines of the chapter tell me that Hannah was disappointed and supposed to be on vacation with her best friend. I find that telling is excellent for quick action and moments where you want the reader to feel the intensity of a scene. On the other hand, showing is ideal for portraying the world and feelings of a character because it gives me insight into what makes them unique. For example, instead of saying Hannah was sad, you could write, "Hannah's shoulders slumped, her lip quivering, and a drop of moisture beaded on the edge of her eye." In that case, you see how Hannah reacts when she is sad instead of just having the author tell you that it is so.
My last critique is that the story happens too quickly. Now I'm sure that the author intends to flesh this out and that this is probably no more than a summary or cliff notes version of where they want the story to go, but I felt too rushed. I didn't have time to connect with Hannah before things started happening. Most importantly, though, I didn't have time to get a sense of Hannah's typical. This advice will probably sound odd, but establishing what is typical for a character is vital for the moment you introduce the driving force in your story. It's hard to connect with a character if I don't understand their daily life. In this story, the author could've spent much more time describing how Hannah struggles to adjust to a life where she doesn't have to work, cook, clean, etc. That will serve two purposes: giving me more insight into Hannah's everyday life and how Hannah reacts to unfamiliar situations. With that information, I will be better prepared when the rug finally gets pulled out from under her later when strange things start happening.
In conclusion, I felt like this story has a lot of potential and hope that the author expands on these ideas. I feel like the story could be unique and suspenseful or cheerful and witty. It all depends on the direction the author decides to go. I would be excited to review this story again once the author has made some edits and fleshed things out. |
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