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Review by Windfell
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I possibly made the mistake of reading the first chapter of your second book before I came to this one. The same feedback applies though.

Its not really my thing this genre, so feel free to take it with a pinch of salt. But I would say that you're very chat heavy. Chat is obviously a very important part of any book, and i'll be damned if i've ever got it right. The thing about your chat is that the characters, perhaps to help the reader are not speaking realistically. What I mean is that they are saying a little too much and more as a narrative than as a character.

For instance here - "The boy is right," crame (noticing you spelled came wrong - sorry) a scratchy voice. "It is going to be a most wondrous night, especially when we grab our valuables."

part of that is not needed, Try mxing up the way you use dialogue in an attempt to find what works better. I'd have it as such. "The boy's right. It's going to be wonderous."

The rest you could put in without it being in the dialogue so that characters have more of a personality. Your other bits are a little too discriptive as well. For instance - "A long serpent, like creature was floating into the sky at least fifty feet in length, the color of a rainbow, but the color ran through the creature as if it were made of liquid even though it was a clear solid animal. It was the Rainbow Fire Dragon that was legend to live in Mount Killimore, now in front of them." I feel like its too long. Do I really need to know that it's legend at the moment? As the reader I would have been satisfied with "A long serpent like creature floated into the sky. The colors of the rainbow reflected back off its irridescent skin." Maybe something like that. Sometimes less can be more, especially in writing. Give the reader the chance to create some it for themselves.

At least, thats my two-cents worth. Hope thats all right.

best,
Bruce
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