There is something to be said for imagery based freestyle poems. No meter, no rhyme scheme, nothing but words weaving pictures in ones mind. (Sorry for my failed attempt to be poetic there)However, I happen to dislike it in general, especially because without format, it's so easy to slip up and turn a poem into an indecipherable mess of ideas - but the few poems that get it right
can be incredibly powerful.I believe yours is one of them.
This may be because of your incredible way with words. Just the imagery the word choice provokes is incredible, but when added with the symbolism, the metaphors, the personification, and alliteration - particularly in the line "Spoke of spring's sluggish begging" it becomes not just an image, but an interpretation of it.
This poem - from what I can tell, is not just about spring, but about who is responsible for all the beauty and mystery around us. It addresses one of the most commonly asked questions on the planet - but does so creatively and subtly, something I envy in poetry and applaud you for achieving.
Now, with all these compliments you are probably wondering why I didn't give you a perfect rating, but I do have a reason - your decisions on punctuation. Some sentences are punctuated, while others are not, for no reason I can comprehend. My advice in general is either punctuate completely, or don't at all - a mix leaves the reader feeling rather confused, and I extend that advice to you. Perhaps putting a period after 'begging' in the fourth line, 'mirror' in the sixth, and 'face' in the tenth would help.
Thank you so much for sharing your poem. Reading it was a joy, and I have a feeling I will be doing so more than once.
I've never personally read a triolet before, but the effect is stunning. Although the whole poem contained only 5 lines (two of which repeated, of course), the repetition made it so much more meaningful. I especially liked that although you were repeating the same lines, their meaning shifted from the begging to the end - starting as a fact, and then moving on to a question at the end of the poem. The rhyming was also effective and natural. Great job - I don't see anything that should be changed, so I'll rate this a 5.
The emotions in this poem, mainly defiance and independence, were constant and strong throughout, helped along by appropriate stanza breaks and punctuation - something I appreciate but do not see quite as often as I'd like.The first two stanzas provided the background of the narrators life- all the reader needed to know for the remaining three stanzas to reveal a powerful message. I loved the imagery, but the metaphor of life being a painting was what gave the poem personality.
The only thing keeping this poem from a 5 star rating is the lack of risk that was taken. Perhaps it's just me, but there are so many poems that are formatted almost exactly the same way, about the same topic, that there was no surprise factor, no gasp of realization. Perhaps delving a little into the reasons for the narrators tears and overshadowing would give the poem a new dimension, and make it stick out from the rest.
The message in your poem is profound and meaningful, however you might want to use variety in your rhyming (if you ever become really stuck, I suggest buying or using an online rhyming dictionary). See and me can only go so far - but an assortment of truly creative vocabulary can spice up a work and bring it to life. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/labradorian
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 11:43pm on Apr 24, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
