Your writing is well organized and clear. I appreciate the candidness with which you discuss your personal journey. It is that clarity and candidness which make what you say believable, authentic. You have enhanced my understanding of addiction. Thank you.
“You know it Mitch; you can set your watch by me. One day I will be known as the greatest bowler in the world." - Show why setting watch by Dice will eventually prove Dice to be the best.
(that he had - delete) plastered on every wall
unathlectic - spelling
from refusing - change to 'for refusing' or 'because he refused'
devoid of (any-delete) people
(was>were) two bowling lanes in front of him. Problem appears again in final sentence of paragraph.
Nice variation on the 'gun slinger' story!
Inconsistency problem: At the beginning of the story Dice was saying he would be the best but by the time he met up with Johnny, he was saying he was the best. If Dice has changed his opinion about his skill level between 1st leaveing the alley and his later meet up with Johnny, you have to show it.
Beware of the '-ing' endings. Substitute, where possible.
Then, if you pare it to the bone, I think you have a very marketable story.
I read Badger through and found no grammar or spelling errors.
The structure and flow are good. In the beginning you introduce 'badger' and carry through with 'badger' as the central focus right to the last sentence.
I feel you were successful in conveying how 3rd graders would interpret the events around them.
'Bus to Purgatory' was difficult to critique. There just wasn't enough wrong with it!
Your writing is literate and coherent. You developed a tantalizing story in very few words. The structure and flow is good. I found no spelling or grammar errors. You held my attention for the duration.
Reading 'Bus to Purgatory' was truly a pleasure.
One compliment and two suggestions:
"... Purgatory? Wasn’t that a ski area in Colorado?..." - nice line!
"He was blowing a whole day, maybe two,..." - Consider, 'He had blown a whole day..."
"...vaguely realized he was..." - suggest deletion of 'vaguely'.
The title 'On Protocol..." and the lead-in in the sub-title line enticed me to read this piece.
However, during the reading I was often confused. I would have appreciated this paean to your cousin much more, if the writing were less abstract. To accomplish this, consider using fuller and more concrete descriptions.
Below are a few technical suggestions:
"A large widow fills the northern wall." - spelling> window
"The credit roll..." - credit>credits
"...Burt & Jacks with some family..." - Suggest deleting 'some'.
"...New England chowder. Discussed Trump’s..." - Suggest joining these two sentences or adding 'He'd' at the beginning of the second sentence which, as it stands, lacks a subject.
"He’d even made plans for a trip with some friends..." - Consider telling where they would go to add texture to your prose.
" A doer. Enjoys the outdoors. Loves good food. Always up for a party or a hand of poker. " - None of these is a complete sentence. Suggest finding a way to concatenate them to the first sentence or, add verb and subject, where required, to make each of them a complete sentence.
"He’d damned the protocol to hell and back. He’d stormed from the office, past the nurses’ station and stomped down the hall." - Suggest telling the reader 'why' behind these actions.
" Tomorrow morning I’ll be home. He leans back and adjusts the IV to a more comfortable position." - Unclear here whether 'home' literally means 'home' or if 'home' is death. Also, purpose of the IV is unclear. My first thought was that some Kevorkian may have been attendance.
Let me know if you'd like me to review this piece again after the re-write.
Start with a description of being hungry (present time)- Where are you? What interfered with you having something to eat earlier?
Try to recall your first memory of something that was the best thing you had ever eaten. (You're probably around 4 years old).
Start by describing 'where' the event took place - family kitchen? Amusement park?
Who was there? Parents? Aunts and Uncles? Who was the best cook among them (if your first great culinary experience was home made).
Describe that first taste of chocolate pudding, McDonald's hamburger, whatever it happened to have been.
Now give the reader a few thoughts about the 'cook' or what your current feelings are about the place where you had that first taste.
Conclude with a short paragraph on why that early culinary experience would or wouldn't satisfy you as an adult and how you resolved the current problem of hunger mentioned in the 1st paragraph.
"Will they loan me their ears so I can hear their bleats..." - wrong reference? In 'Julius Caesar'. 'Lend me your ears' means 'please listen to me'
"I snuck in on horseback (now the binding glue)" - 'snuck' - wrong word? - also, 'binding glue' was unclear.
"Now I have turned their pawns against them." - While I understand this refers back to Bush and Cheney, the grammatical construction makes the lambs the 'pawns'.
I found no glaring punctuation, grammar or structure problems.
I was surprised to discover that your essay was not centered around the sexism implied in the phrase, "When you work for a man..." but instead, the issues revolve around poor customer service and a lack of undying loyalty to employers.
Maybe you are right to be concerned about those matters. Afterall, all of those minimum wage, fast food workers and retail clerks should be eternally grateful for their jobs --among the few that can't or haven't already been outsourced to some other country.
The rating given here is based on the mechanics of the writing, not the content.
What can I say? This is a charming piece of whimsy and the concluding paragraph is perfect!
No grammar, punctuation or typing errors that I could see.
Structure and pacing are fine.
A couple of observations with suggestions:
"A line of cars passed by me through cast iron gates..." - If not also in the 'line', show where narrator is vis a vis the line.
"You would be best advised to combine a round of golf with your visit." - Unclear why.
"...could respectfully 'front end' their round of golf." - Clarify what 'front end' means here.
"A little Astroturf here and a little Astroturf there would solve that one." - Unclear how Astroturf would solve the 'too many grave markers' problem. Also, suggest deletion of 'and a little Astroturf there'.
This piece is literate and funny and the closing line is perfect.
I look forward to reading more of your pieces.
Additional compliments and one suggestion:
"It bounced off a tree, played pinball between the oak trunks, and landed directly back at his feet. “The most important lesson is to never give up.”" - Great line followed by the perfect next line!
"...and into the woods on the other side of the course." - Laughed out loud here.
"...as Michael threw down his golf club. He took off his glove and put it in his pocket, turning toward me and grinning." - Consider this construction: "...as Michael threw down his golf club, took off his glove [delete 'in his pocket' part],turned toward me and grinned."
However, the piece falters on the line that begins: "It was pink carnation..." - It is unclear as to what the embroidered object is and how it is being wielded.
After stumbling over the embroidery line, I found the last four lines worked well.
Technical issues.
"I snatch my hand back, hesitating. " - Consider deleting 'hesitating'.
3rd paragraph - good imagery with believable explanation as to why water is consumed despite fears.
"I 'could' vaguely see something." - In the first paragraph character is in pitch black darkness. Consider fixing contradiction. Also, substitute 'could' with 'can'.
"The rest was quick yet vivid in my memory. " - tense jump from present to past.
The most commendable part of this piece is the flow of the language, though there are some punctuation problems that can be easily remedied.
A few punctuation suggestions can be found below.
The story opens with the character's desire to go to the moon. The lack of money is the story's complication. Complication is the primary element of a short story. Unfortunately, there's no resolution to this complication.
A short story requires bothComplication and resolution.
You can fix this lack of resolution problem with a few minor changes. The character might decide to go back to school on a grant to study to become an astronaut (show why he makes this decision) or, the character can resign himself to the fact that he won't be able to go to the moon (tell the reader how he arrives at this conclusion) and launches himself on a different path; or...?.
If you can get the complication and resolution elements of the short story format under your belt, the stories should flow out of you like a 32oz glass of chocolate milk.
Some grammar and wording suggestions:
"...silent promise of a rich, creamy 'nepenthe'." - Consider replacing 'nepenthe' or at least add
something that will give the reader some idea of what it means, e.g "...nepenthe, an elixir to ease my unhappiness."
Consider using question marks after:
"Maybe Mr. Rodriguez would give me some extra hours at the gas station...
"Maybe I could sell my sweet, sweet plasma for cash dollars...
"Maybe I could knock over a liquor store!
***
"knocking-over" were made..." - Consider not using '...' and replace with a single period.
"Maybe Mr. Rodriguez will give me some extra hours at the gas station..." - Drop the '..." and use a question mark.
That's it for now. I'd be happy to read the revision.
R.
P.S. Rating is based on how much revision is left to be done only.
You're a brave guy to be willing to have me review yet another piece and it's a good sign. If you're not crushed by a well meant critique, your writing can do nothing but improve.
Now, just to set you at your ease right up front, this is a much better{/} piece than School.
I've made technical suggestions and comments below, but the best suggestion I can give to you is that you need always be sure that what you're writing about is believable or can be made believable very quickly.
Strain the readers ability to suspend disbelief and you lose the reader.
"...She had drained her water glass fifteen times in the one hour span between her arrival and departure." - This isn't{/} believeable. After 15 glasses of water she would have washed out all of the electrolytes in her system and fainted away into a huge pool of her own urine. Try 6 glasses or even less --however many glasses she can manage before she has to go to the john.
"...and soaked into the paper." - paper table cloth? add 'cloth'.
"Oh, if only I had the wits ...I am timid in the presence of wrinkling carcasses such as those." - This paragraph is very good!
"..., however, and I was cheered up considerably." - 'however'? Show why character is 'cheered up'.
"Would you like some more water? I would be glad to refill you!" - Nice line!
"... the same way a fire 'to' appears to a fireman's." Delete first 'to'. Delete 's on 'fireman's.
"This girl had a problem: ...We represented a liquid symbiosis of give-and-receive, bonded together 'with' a sweating crystal glass." - replace 'with' with 'by' - Nice paragraph.
"Where are the restrooms?" I was glad to show her." - The ending works!
Despite the flurry of grammatical points noted below, this is still a very literate article and, you taught me a lot about fishing.
I assume that this piece has already been published or that you intend to publish it somewhere. It’s too good to languish unread.
"...hardly ever see a black light." - I didn't understand the meaning of 'black light' here.
"...Our lakes are somewhere..." - Clarify for the reader (again) which lakes you're talking about here.
"...to the number wakes from weekend warriors..." - 'number (of) wakes'. Consider replacing 'weekend warriors', which is a little hackneyed, with something else.
"They learn to keep their mouths shut..." - Consider changing 'They' to 'The bass'
"If, for whatever reasons, they prefer to feed after the sun goes down and the fishermen go to bed, they’re less likely to be caught. Consequently, more of them grow big." - this sentence is a little confusing.
"...wakes from weekend warriors.
With good reason,..." consider joining, e.g. weekend warriors, and for good reason. Then start a new sentence with "Western Kentucky..."
"Even pleasure boating is on the rise. Whether they carry a rod or not," - Consider replacing 'even' with 'and also,' otherwise you have people and their boats keeping their mouths shut!
Thanks from Roberta, from whom the bass have nothing to fear…
I read this simple, yet eloquent, poem from beginning to end without stumbling over one error. There was no shifting point of view, irrational jumps in time or mind-boggling, mid-stream change in subject matter.
The poem's readability means that maybe, just maybe, you might be able to touch someone's heart with it.
This is a sweet little piece. I've suggested some grammatical corrections below. Otherwise, I see no problems with the piece.
Once you've tightened up the grammer, you might want to consider finding a place to publish this. I can't make any suggestions as to where, but I'm sure there's a market for it out there.
"...she always waited those two days to celebrate her birthday so we could celebrate together." - New sentence!
"..., she'd loved roses." - Also a new sentence. Consider: 'She loved..."'
"... I'd 'forgot' to pick a few..." - 'forgotten'
"...I could've 'swore'..." - 'sworn'
"Her loving gift to me." - This is not a complete sentence. Also, consider replacing 'her' with 'My grandmother's"
Dear Kaya Poe,
You had my attention from beginning to end, and that's an accomplishment.
Your description in the second paragraph of Clarence peeing is wonderful. You also did a good job in this paragraph of foreshadowing the horror to come.
Then, more good forshadowing in the third paragraph with: "The line was tight and the fight was on! Except... something seemed a little off."
"Her skin was milky and gray, like wet cement,..." - I liked this description.
CONSIDER reading through story aloud to find the few words that may have been left behind from previous edits.
Adriana,
The overall impression I gained from this piece is that you, personally, are a powerful person and that anyone who might be thinking about messing with you, better think twice.
And, there are some great lines, e.g.
"Perhaps you hope extinguish my pride with the mere force of your persistence"
- Needs a question mark at end of sentence.
"I refuse to acknowledge the black and white world as seen through your colorless eyes"
CONSIDER reviewing punctuation.
Great piece. Keep writing. I appreciate being witness to your strength.
You're story made me wish there had been a Foodliner Groceries (the quonset version) in my neighborhood back in the fifties. I always liked quonset huts and for a long time imagined finding or building one in which to live.
Many of the descriptions are quite good, particular in the third paragraph.
Structure:
The first paragraph is a little confusing. CONSIDER starting paragraph with "The Foodliner Corporation wanted to get into the action before construction [on the Fairmont Hills housind tract] began,...". Also, consider deleting everything in the sentence after the comma.
The fourth paragraph introduces the fact that the story is being told by the son of a GI. This was a surprise, I thought it was the father telling the story. CONSIDER clarifying who the narrator is as early in the story as possible.
CONSIDER deleting last two lines of fourth paragraph and inserting nostalgia, e.g., how it's impossible not to think of father and the Foodliner whenever you happen across the ever more rare quonset hut.
Technical Suggestions:
"...a familiar and necessary chore. Retrieving rations. - 'Retrieving rations.' is not a sentence. To stand alone it needs a verb or, consider finding a way to attach these words to the previous sentence.
"They'd even take their sons with them, to pick up gallons of milk and pork chops." CLARIFY here that the men take their sons to the local Foodliner quonset hut, not one of those they saw while on duty.
"This quonset hut..." STYLE SUGGESTION - Change sentence to read, "The Foodliner quonset..."
- CLARIFY 'who' was fascinated by the comics.
- DELETE as many instances of 'always', 'just', 'very' and 'only' as possible.
What works:
The story held my interest. Should you do a re-write, I'd be more than happy to look at it again.
Dear Intrinsica,
The subject of your poem is all too easy to relate too -- the caring for people we only know through our keyboards. 'digital.
RE: the elements of the poem.
Third stanza
Beginnig the third stanze with 'And' threw me off.
While reference to the 'Twenty-six letters' is in keeping with, and enhances, the rhythm of the poem, I stumbled here. The first thing I thought about were all the punctuation-mark emoticons used to convey emotion. The trade off is rhythm vs. literal accuracy. Despite what I've said, I'd probably vote for 'rhythm' unless you can find an outstanding solution.
Like the listened-to beating
Of a watched child's heart - - Nice line!
This is one powerful poem! The horror that an arms manufacturer/seller might actually relish his job comes through. --I once knew one who never gave a second thought to the consequences of his actions.
You drove your point home with the rhythm...boom boom boom.
Structure:
Anti-tank, Anti-personnel...I’ve got a product to sell - In the first half of the poem I had the impression that this poem was solely about the land mine dealer. Consider ending the poem before the'Anti-tank' line or, inserting a transition stanza or, making it into two separate poems. Whatever choice you make, please don't abandon this poem!
Technical Suggestions:
'There very' effective - Should be 'they're' or 'they are'.
"...So covered up with the soot of following others ideas for me. Now I am clean and dewy..." - Lovely line. However, I suggest you delete the words, 'for me'.
The descriptions shine in paragraphs two and three.
Structure and pacing:
Since this is just a snippet, I can't yet comment on the 'structure'. However the 'pacing' (rhythm) is good after the 1st paragraph.
Technical Suggestions:
Consider deleting the first paragraph.
In the final paragraph I get a little confused by the back and forth references to 'today' and the 'next day'. Consider reworking.
What works:
The tone and pacing in paragraphs two and three set the mood of your thoughts very nicely. Take care not to lose that 'mood' when you edit the piece again.
The theme - The prejudice (and accompanying paranoia) stirred up against all mid-Easterners based on the acts of a few, horrifies me also.
Your ability to show the reader that 'thin slice' of recognition, an immediate, intuitive awareness that this youngster was just a worried boy, not a terrorist. Malcolm Gladwell discusses the idea of the 'thin slice' in his book Blink--no blinkers on you, so to speak.
Technical Suggestions:
"...startled me initially...">>>SUGGEST DELETE 'initially' since the condition of being 'startled' isn't continuous.
"He smiled back and that was that - we were silent friends,...">>>NICE LINE.
"...Arab boy would be seized and put only God knows where until the world sorted itself out...">>>GREAT LINE!
"...I recalled to vivid memory..." >>>This construction confused me.
"The fullness of time...">>>DELETE: 'The fullness of' (cliche) and start sentence with 'Time'.
"...justifying the relief I remembered in those reflected dark eyes of pain...">>>UNCLEAR to me as to what in this sentence the word 'justifying' refers - though I understand what you're saying.
What works:
The point of the piece was clear to me.
Setting the scene on a train was a good choice.
Thanks for this piece of writing and your good heart.
I chose to read your poem because it speaks of something important. I know the references. However, I doubt many would. Consider giving your readers a point of reference at the beginning of the poem (or in the title)that informs them about Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge.
TECHNICAL SUGGESTIONS
...He saw the blood on his hands and felt their pain
But was it too late to end their reign?... CONSIDER REWORKING this transition paragraph, easing protagonist into his new point of view and his idea to become a faceless soldier.
...Everyone could be... SUGGEST: 'Anyone' instead of 'Everyone
...They forced him to do it... HERE YOU HAVE real people pushing the protagonist to do evil things. However, in the line below, you use an abstraction 'the country's flaws', which weakens the impact.
...He could never be free from the country’s flaws...
In yourlast four lines the rhyming made me think of the bedtime prayer, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep." The analogous rhyming weakens the impact of the poem.
This is a good poem and worth developing further.
Roberta
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The first paragraph is a little confusing. CONSIDER starting paragraph with "The Foodliner Corporation wanted to get into the action before construction [on the Fairmont Hills housind tract] began,...". Also, consider deleting everything in the sentence after the comma.