Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - The imagery in this piece is stunning, Ken. Your words conjure up an image in my mind that rivals that of the picture you paired it with.
Poetry Elements -
Form: The Inverted Refrain consists of four 6-line stanzas, for a total of 24 lines. The first four lines of a stanza create a statement from which the last 2 lines extract the meaning, and invert the way it was said. The last two lines of each stanza, which are the 'inverted refrain', are indented as a couplet. The Inverted Refrain is a rhyming poem with a set meter and rhyme scheme as follows: Rhyme scheme per stanza: Lines #1-4 are abab; Lines #5 and #6, the two inverted refrain lines, can be ab or ba. Meter: 8 syllables in every line.
You completed every one of the required elements perfectly.
Suggestions - None.
Favorite part or line - The way you turned each day is a new opportunity into a heartfelt message, rather than a platitude. Your words lay the groundwork, so it strikes an emotional chord. Thank you for submitting another beautiful example of your talent.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A wonderful take on the image of a gift. You looked beneath the surface and saw the sacrifice of service men and women, honoring their gift to us.
Poetry Elements -
The Sedoka is an unrhymed poem made up of two three-line katauta with the following syllable counts: 5/7/7, 5/7/7. A Sedoka, pair of katauta as a single poem, may address the same subject from differing perspectives.
You appear to have followed the form requirements perfectly.
Suggestions - None.
Favorite part or line - The unexpected message you saw in the image prompt. I really admire your tribute to the men and women around the world who choose to sacrifice for their countries.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Firefly23! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A sweet entry about what I presume is a proposal of marriage to a "special loved one".
Poetry Elements -
The Sedoka is an unrhymed poem made up of two three-line katauta with the following syllable counts: 5/7/7, 5/7/7. A Sedoka, pair of katauta as a single poem, may address the same subject from differing perspectives.
You appear to have followed the form requirements perfectly.
Suggestions - The wording of this is awkward at times. I presume the syllable requirements interfered with what you were trying to say, and it shows. I think you need to play with your word choices to make a smoother read.
Favorite part or line - The amount of emotion you were able to convey in these six short lines.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Itchy Water~fictionandverse! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A fun entry about differing perspectives on a small gift box. An interesting dichotomy between what the two interested parties see as expensive. I doubt the recipient envisioned candy.
Poetry Elements -
The Sedoka is an unrhymed poem made up of two three-line katauta with the following syllable counts: 5/7/7, 5/7/7. A Sedoka, pair of katauta as a single poem, may address the same subject from differing perspectives.
You have followed the requirements of this form perfectly.
Suggestions - None.
Favorite part or line - The idea that a beautifully wrapped jewelry-shaped box holds candy.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello ! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression -
I enjoyed that you took one look at the provocative image last month, and saw beneath the ideas of preparing for war, focusing instead on how a nation can pull itself apart.
Poetry Elements -
The Tri-fall, created by Jan Turner, consists of three 6-line stanzas, for a total of 18 lines. The rhyme scheme is a,b,c,a,b,c and meter for each stanza is as follows: 6/3/8, 6/3/8. This form requires little to no punctuation and can be written on any subject matter.
You appear to have followed all of the form requirements perfectly. Although, you have quite a bit of punctuation when the form requires little.
Suggestions - I would suggest reducing the punctuation, based on the form requirements, but I understand that punctuation can be so personal in a poem.
Favorite part or line - The fact that this could be about any nation at any time in history. The ideas speak about the political battles that constantly wage in a society, and how they are often at odds with what we think we are doing.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Itchy Water~fictionandverse! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression -
A scary interpretation on the prompt, focusing on the idea that the women in the theater were now subject to someone else's control. The way you've used the controller's voice to directly address the women adds a sinister element to the poem, capturing the tone quite well.
Poetry Elements -
The Tri-fall, created by Jan Turner, consists of three 6-line stanzas, for a total of 18 lines. The rhyme scheme is a,b,c,a,b,c and meter for each stanza is as follows: 6/3/8, 6/3/8. This form requires little to no punctuation and can be written on any subject matter.
You appear to have followed all of the requirements perfectly.
Suggestions -
"in charge of land and sea" - this line is a big awkward. I know you were constrained by both rhyme scheme and meter, but this line doesn't maintain the authority that the others do.
Favorite part or line -
As I mentioned above, your choice to have this come out in the Master's voice makes the piece chilling and conveys the helpless situation the women now find themselves in. Well done!
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Firefly23! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A look behind the barrier of a closed door, expressing the activities that unfold behind it.
Poetry Elements -
The form is the Naani. It consists of 4 lines, the total lines consists of 20 to 25 syllables. The poem is not bounded to a particular subject. Generally it depends upon human relations and current statements.
You appear to have followed the form requirements.
Suggestions - I think you need to work more with the use of language to convey more than just a surface look at what's happening. Using more sensory-based words, would convey greater connection for your readers.
Favorite part or line - I love the idea of highlighting the contrast behind a solid barrier and the human emotion that lies behind it.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A nice look at the stone walkway that leads home.The presence of the word somber in close proximity to shades of gray makes me wonder if going home is desired.
Poetry Elements -
The form is the Naani. It consists of 4 lines, the total lines consists of 20 to 25 syllables. The poem is not bounded to a particular subject. Generally it depends upon human relations and current statements.
You appear to have followed the requirements of the form.
Suggestions - None.
Favorite part or line - The presence of both emotion and movement. I also enjoy that you focused on the pathway instead of the doorway, showing me the scene from another perspective.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Itchy Water~fictionandverse! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - This one made me chuckle. I love the sarcasm that drips from every word.
Poetry Elements -
Pi-Archimedes
A 6 line poetry form base on PI = 3.14159. Each line represents the number of words used from the PI number.
You appear to have followed the requirements perfectly.
Suggestions -
None.
Favorite part or line - The universal emotion that you express. So many of us begin to feel this way as the calendar marches forward, carrying us along kicking and screaming.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello aralls! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - I really love the imagery you've created in this piece. You have conveyed texture and movement in thirteen short words.
Poetry Elements -
Pi-Archimedes
A 6 line poetry form base on PI = 3.14159. Each line represents the number of words used from the PI number.
You appear to have followed the form requirements perfectly.
Suggestions - After judging is complete, I think you need to revisit your last line. The phrasing of the last line is a bit awkward.
Favorite part or line - "waxy wishes melting"
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Dave! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A beautiful ode to the magical changing of seasons. I really appreciate the interpretation of the old-fashioned image as a natural fantasy image, depicting dancing pixies and soaring spirits. I also commend you for the beauty of your writing. Your piece was smooth, and the words flowed effortlessly from the page (screen).
Poetry Elements -
The Dorsimbra requires three different sets of form writing:
Stanza One: Four lines of Shakespearean sonnet (iambic pentameter rhymed abab).
Stanza Two: Four lines of short and snappy free verse.
Stanza Three: Four lines of iambic pentameter blank verse, where the last line repeats the first line of Stanza One.
You appear to have followed the challenging rules of this complex form pretty carefully, except the rhythmic ta-Dum of the iambs seemed off once or twice. I am no expert, but you may want to revisit this once judging is complete.
Suggestions - Fixing the iambic pentameter is my only suggestion because otherwise this is quite seamless.
Favorite part or line - The fluid quality of your voice. It never felt contrived or structured in response to a prompt, and that can be difficult, particularly with such a demanding form.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A sweet take on the image of the child. You have taken us to the moment where the child is slipping into dreams and added a beauty to that moment.
Poetry Elements -
Trois-par-Huit (Three-by-Eight or Octa-Tri for short), a poem containing three stanzas of 3, 3 and 2 lines OR 3, 2 and 3 lines: 8 lines total with a syllable count of 3, 6, 9, 12, 12, 9, 6, 3.
The rhyming pattern is AAB BBC CC where the last line is the title of the poem and summarizes the meaning of the poem. *Note: These poems are to appear center aligned.
You appear to have followed all of the requirements of this form. Well done!
Suggestions - The only suggestion I have is for the surety and purity part. I understand what you were going for, and, yet it feels a bit cliche. I think so much emotion is present in those beautiful moments and I know that you, more than any other poet I know, can convey that beauty.
Favorite part or line -
"She drifts off to the kingdom of dreams" - this places me right in that second, reminding me of the times when I held my own son in the same way. It also offers up so many potential directions for the rest of the poem, limited only by the imagination of the dreamer.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi Silentokami! This review is part of your gift pack from "Gang's Monthly Review Board" [13+]. Please take my review for any value it provides you as the author, disregard everything else.
Overall Impression - I was impressed by the attempt to create an entire tale in this poem. You seem to be suggesting a long span of time and an epic tale within the span of 29 lines. You used beautiful imagery in parts of this, but it does need some work. I will specify some areas I noted that could use some improvement in the following sections.
Structure and Organization -
The layout of this piece is currently one large chunk of text. Consider making use of white space to separate sections and provide natural pauses.
As I mentioned above, you have used a number of beautiful images to paint a visual picture. Phrases like "stone fingers dyed blue from their melancholy" give me a visual of what the surrounding area looks like.
The flow is a little uneven throughout this because of the inconsistency in perspective, punctuation errors, and inconsistent end rhymes. I will address the punctuation issues below, but the flow is primarily off because of the perspective switch you make. You begin with something you personally discovered, but even though you provide us greater and greater amounts of detail, you distance yourself further and further from the tale by switching into third person perspective. It made me start asking who is telling me this - you, the discoverer of the place covered in mist, or somebody not yet identified in the piece.
You also try end rhymes in some lines, but then not in other lines. If you establish a rhyming pattern it will feel more cohesive, adding rather than subtracting from your piece.
Suggestions -
I found a number of errors that I'd like to point out to you, along with some suggestions for improvement:
1."I happened Past tense upon a place covered in mist,through the dark tall woods untended.Travel Present Tenseacross the craggy broken earth. Follow Present Tensethe old path down from there;"
These tense switches create a bit of confusion. Are you telling us about something you happened upon, or are you guiding us into an area to reveal its history?
2. "there unanswered hands outstretched" - there should be their. I also wonder what an unanswered hand is. Maybe another word would better convey what you intend here.
3. "beckoning for Annie to be comforted." - this is the first mention of Annie, but it is unexplained at this point, so it makes me wonder who Annie is. Although you go on to later explain that her death took place here, the placement of this line is confusing. You may need to first hint at a missing girl, an unexplained disappearance that has its source deep within the dark path.
4. "despite the fact no sun could reach" - you need a period at the end of this line if you want to remain consistent.
5. "They use Annie's blood as plant feed waiting" - you need a comma before waiting.
Favorite Part or Line - The epic tale you are trying to tell here. I can see that you're attempting to convey Annie's tale, and the entirety of how her death impacts the area's future.
I review primarily as a reader, and it is as a reader that I thank you for your work . Write on!
Hello JACE - House Targaryen! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A reminiscent look back at individuality. You interpreted the image as a statement on how much personal difference we have lost in the modern age. Which I happen to agree with by the way .
Poetry Elements -
A Senryu poem is a three line Japanese poem structurally similar to haiku. It is unrhymed and the subject is based on human nature. It is usually satirical or ironic (line 1 - 5 syllables, line 2 - 7 syllables line 3 - 5 syllables).
You appear to have followed the form requirements fully, although, Senryu and Haiku generally do not have punctuation. I'm not that concerned with this though.
Suggestions - At first I thought you should change "carbon copied", but as I read it I realized that it managed to convey the modern era without requiring excessive words. So, the only suggestion I would make would be to remove the punctuation. Normally, I like a couple of pauses or full stops, but I can see the validity in making this a single thought.
Favorite part or line - The look back at individuality. So many of our commercials and pop icons sell us the idea of individuality by purchasing something, but before commerce was the primary focus, we actually had individuality. At least, more of it anyway.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello celestin! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A memorable piece that reminisces about a springtime wedding.
Poetry Elements -
This month's form, the Ruba'i, is a four-line poem following a specific meter, in which lines one, two, and four follow the same rhyme pattern. (In some cases, all four lines rhyme.) You could also create an "interlocking Rubáiyát", which is where the subsequent stanza rhymes its 1st, 2nd, and 4th lines with the sound at the end of the 3rd line in the stanza before it. In this form, the 3rd line of the final stanza is also rhymed with the 3 rhymed lines in the first stanza.
Your rhymes have closely followed the requirements of the "interlocking Rubáiyát", but you did not choose a specific meter. Your metrical range was eight syllables through most of the first three stanzas, but then it became a range between eight and eleven syllables.
Suggestions - Choosing a meter would help maintain the form requirements, but I also suggest that you work on some of the phrasing.
A few of your word choices felt awkward, which interfered with the rhythm of this piece for me. Here are a couple of examples:
"Spring rains made fresh the morning air"
"The dew on grass tickled her feet"
Favorite part or line - The use of a beautiful memory that is connected to spring for you.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - Stunning! I was overwhelmed by the eloquent phrasing and sensory details that formed the backbone of this piece. You made use of so much movement to symbolize the emergence of life from winter's slumber.
Poetry Elements -
This month's form, the Ruba'i, is a four-line poem following a specific meter, in which lines one, two, and four follow the same rhyme pattern. (In some cases, all four lines rhyme.) You could also create an "interlocking Rubáiyát", which is where the subsequent stanza rhymes its 1st, 2nd, and 4th lines with the sound at the end of the 3rd line in the stanza before it. In this form, the 3rd line of the final stanza is also rhymed with the 3 rhymed lines in the first stanza.
You chose the more challenging Rubáiyát and executed it perfectly. Your chosen meter was eight syllables per line, and your end rhymes followed the Rubáiyát's strict requirements.
Suggestions - None.
Favorite part or line - I actually have a few favorites because the phrasing was spot on:
"The grasp of winter's frozen hands" - great visual
"a harmony of silent speech" - simply musical
"Like links within a living chain"
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Sum1! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A sensory look at the emergence of spring. You have made use of texture, sights, and movement to depict the transformation of "Earth's face".
Poetry Elements -
This month's form, the Ruba'i, is a four-line poem following a specific meter, in which lines one, two, and four follow the same rhyme pattern. (In some cases, all four lines rhyme.) You could also create an "interlocking Rubaiyat", which is where the subsequent stanza rhymes its 1st, 2nd, and 4th lines with the sound at the end of the 3rd line in the stanza before it. In this form, the 3rd line of the final stanza is also rhymed with the 3 rhymed lines in the first stanza.
You have followed the challenging requirements of the Rubaiyat's end rhymes perfectly. You struggled with picking a specific meter though. Your range was 6-12 syllables per line, with the six syllable line feeling abrupt.
Suggestions - There is some awkward phrasing here. I believe it's because you were trying to keep within the confines of the end rhymes, but it ends up sounding off. Perhaps different end rhymes would smooth out the rhythm.
Favorite part or line - "Against the weather we no longer race" - this line so eloquently describes the exhale we experience as spring rolls around .
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - An emotional piece about the painful lessons we all face in life, and yet I detect a hint of hope woven in this, Ken. This month's entry packs the emotional resonance that I'm used to seeing in your pieces. A very well done piece. Did you challenge yourself by trying to make the line shapes mirror on both sides of the diamond?
Poetry Elements -
This month's form, the Diatelle, is a fun syllable-counting form like the etheree with a twist. The syllable structure of
the diatelle is as follows: 1/2/3/4/6/8/10/12/10/8/6/4/3/2/1, but unlike an ethere, has a set rhyme pattern of abbcbccaccbcbba. This poetry form may be written on any subject matter and looks best center aligned in a diamond shape.
You followed the very strict requirements of this form perfectly.
Suggestions - None. On first read, I thought the last word was out of place, but on reading it through a second time, I realized that you meant that you focus on the lessons learned from loss as opposed to the cost associated with it.
Favorite part or line - "Still, I see yet what was taught and not cost." Learning is worth quite a lot, even though it sometimes exacts quite the toll.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Sum1! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A nice interpretation of how home always pulls us back.
Poetry Elements -
This month's form, the Diatelle, is a fun syllable-counting form like the etheree with a twist. The syllable structure of
the diatelle is as follows: 1/2/3/4/6/8/10/12/10/8/6/4/3/2/1, but unlike an ethere, has a set rhyme pattern of abbcbccaccbcbba. This poetry form may be written on any subject matter and looks best center aligned in a diamond shape.
You followed the very strict requirements of this form perfectly.
Suggestions - "Things I said, never meant" - this line was out of place in this poem. The entire rest of the poem has the distance of third person, as if you're speaking about the human condition, but this line makes it personal and first person. That threw me off because it doesn't seem to fit.
Favorite part or line - The theme of being pulled back toward the ties that bind, that of our small personal communities.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Amay! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - I really enjoyed the interpretation of the prompt in terms of learning from a collision of the past and present. It almost felt like this could have been written during a tumultuous moment in a nation, and as it progresses through it seems like the people learned from the mistakes of the past basking in their new understanding.
Poetry Elements -
This month's form, the Diatelle, is a fun syllable-counting form like the etheree with a twist. The syllable structure of the diatelle is as follows: 1/2/3/4/6/8/10/12/10/8/6/4/3/2/1, but unlike an ethere, has a set rhyme pattern of abbcbccaccbcbba. This poetry form may be written on any subject matter and looks best center aligned in a diamond shape.
You appear to have followed the requirements of this form perfectly.
Suggestions - The word dividing seems out of place where it is. It occurs in the second half where people appear to be learning from the past, and so I think another word would continue that message more clearly.
Favorite part or line - The progression from the turmoil of the past/present collision to reinvention brought about by unmasking "pride and prejudice".
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Jimbo! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - A piece about appreciating today while we have it because each moment is fleeting.
Poetry Elements -
This month's form, the Septolet, is a form consisting of seven lines containing fourteen words with a break in between the two parts. Both parts deal with the same thought and create a picture.
You appear to have followed the requirements of this form correctly.
Suggestions - This is a little ethereal. With the words you chose, this sounds very lyrical, but it neglects to convey a clear picture (what is a fleeting drum?). I suggest you actually build this out into a song, or revise to use more specific sensory information that can stand on its own.
Favorite part or line - The lyrical quality I feel in this. I could actually hear this rolling off of the tongue with music to accompany it.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Sum1! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . I am one of the judges for "Invalid Item" ; please take my review for any value it provides you as an author. The winners will be announced once all judging is complete, please do not edit until we finish judging.
Overall Impression - I love the active words that you chose for this piece. You used the few allowed words to paint a scene of these two people looking beyond the light to the shadows around them.
Poetry Elements -
This month's form, the Septolet, is a form consisting of seven lines containing fourteen words with a break in between the two parts. Both parts deal with the same thought and create a picture.
You appear to have followed the requirements of this form correctly.
Suggestions - I'm not sure about the word amazing. What would make shadows amazing? Perhaps a different word choice could convey more meaning about what they see in the shadows.
Favorite part or line - The first half of this is fantastic. You managed to clearly show two people actively doing something in just nine words.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
Phoenix
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi Kalistra! This review is part of your PDG Rocking Review Package . Please take my review for any value it provides you as the author, disregard everything else.
Overall Impression - At first I was a little underwhelmed because it starts off a little awkward, but then you really began to pull me in. By the end, I was engaged with the Prince's attempt to escape the assassins and wondering how the arrow arrived to help.
Structure and Organization -
The hook is part of what underwhelmed me. You begin by setting the scene, but the action really doesn't begin until the second paragraph. Perhaps if you merged the two, you could allow the descriptions of the setting to be revealed after he bursts into the clearing.
The setting is a cursed part of land, a forest. Within this forest you have provided multiple descriptions of what the (main?) character sees, hears, and feels as he tries desperately to avoid the area.
The POV appears to be third-person limited. We are privy to the thoughts of the Prince, but as of yet we are not privy to the thoughts of the assassins. It is well used so far, but it depends of how important his reactions and thoughts are going to be as the story progresses.
The descriptions are fairly well done, but there is a bit of redundancy in the forest descriptions.
Suggestions -
"The stars shone bright and aloof in the sky..." - the use of aloof here is awkward. Perhaps a reference to the distance or a simple comment about the stars.
"The stark trees reached up..." - another awkward word choice. The reason both of these don't work is because they are telling rather than showing us the setting. Trees are stark if their branches are without leaves, or if they have spindly, gnarled branches that reach into a gray sky. Use imagery to let us see why they're stark.
"...his black stallion foam flecked and steaming..." - describe the foam, rather than labeling it black stallion foam.
A number of times you refer back to him as the man, but his perspective and thoughts are known to us. So, use him instead of man. It will maintain the connection your readers have to this character. Currently, it feels stiff when you do that.
Favorite Part or Line - The conflict and plot. I really began to wonder what was happening and why The Prince had assassins pursuing him. You have engaged me as a reader. Thank you .
I review primarily as a reader, and it is as a reader that I thank you for your work . Write on!
Hi Alexandra Jones! This review is part of your PDG Rocking Review Package . Please take my review for any value it provides you as the author, disregard everything else.
Overall Impression - A moment of revenge against a high-school tormentor. You have created the opportunity for your POV character to stand up to the girl who has made high school difficult for her. This moment will resonate with most readers because we all have memories of the popular kid/bully/cheerleader who made us feel inadequate.
Structure and Organization -
The hook is some gossip about the events at a party. The back and forth nature of the dialogue is very realistic given the setting and characters.
The POV character reveals her low social position in the high school mostly through descriptions of how Melinda and her "friends" act within the school. You have clearly depicted someone that most readers will recognize.
The conflict appears to be what will happen when Miranda makes it across the cafeteria to Sarah's table, and whether Sarah will say anything to Miranda. The short nature of the Writer's Cramp prevented you from building this out and creating tension, but that is what this needs. Currently, it is resolved too easily and predictably.
Suggestions -
"Mickinley High" - take out the i. Additionally, I think the k should be capitalized in all of the appearances of McKinley. That is the generally accepted way of writing it.
Favorite Part or Line -
The fluid way you depicted the reaction of the whole cafeteria after Sarah's words. This is how this would play out in a real high school setting.
I review primarily as a reader, and it is as a reader that I thank you for your work . Write on!
Hello ShiShad! Thank you for entering the Fall Round of "Invalid Item" . I am reviewing all of the late entries. Overall Impression - A look below the street grate of many urban streets.
Story/Poetry Elements -
Explanation of form:
The sestina is a strict ordered form of poetry, dating back to twelfth century French troubadours. It
consists of six six-line (sestets) stanzas followed by a three-line envoy. Rather than use a rhyme
scheme, the six ending words of the first stanza are repeated as the ending words of the other five
stanzas in a set pattern. The envoy uses two of the ending words per line, again in a set pattern.
Concluding tercet:
middle of first line ..2, end of first line ..5
middle of second line ..4, end of second line..3
middle if third line ..6, end of third line ..1
You appear to have followed the very strict requirements of this form.
Suggestions - After the second stanza this began to feel like a political platform, rather than a poem. It may be more poetic if you focus on the situation, sensory details, and circumstances of the homeless than focusing on your opinion that more assistance is needed.
Favorite part or line - The look below the surface of this image.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work today. Write on!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.83 seconds at 11:36pm on Apr 18, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Overall Impression - The imagery in this piece is stunning, Ken. Your words conjure up an image in my mind that rivals that of the picture you paired it with.
Poetry Elements -
Suggestions - None.
Favorite part or line - The way you turned each day is a new opportunity into a heartfelt message, rather than a platitude. Your words lay the groundwork, so it strikes an emotional chord. Thank you for submitting another beautiful example of your talent.
Overall Impression - A beautiful ode to the magical changing of seasons. I really appreciate the interpretation of the old-fashioned image as a natural fantasy image, depicting dancing pixies and soaring spirits. I also commend you for the beauty of your writing. Your piece was smooth, and the words flowed effortlessly from the page (screen
).
Poetry Elements - 
Suggestions - Fixing the iambic pentameter is my only suggestion because otherwise this is quite seamless.
Favorite part or line - The fluid quality of your voice. It never felt contrived or structured in response to a prompt, and that can be difficult, particularly with such a demanding form.
Overall Impression - I was impressed by the attempt to create an entire tale in this poem. You seem to be suggesting a long span of time and an epic tale within the span of 29 lines. You used beautiful imagery in parts of this, but it does need some work. I will specify some areas I noted that could use some improvement in the following sections.
Structure and Organization - 
Suggestions - 
Favorite Part or Line - The epic tale you are trying to tell here. I can see that you're attempting to convey Annie's tale, and the entirety of how her death impacts the area's future. 
!
