Wow, exciting! A little hard to follow who is doing what, but that might have been your intention and might well work itself out as the story unfolds. The story drew me in immediately and didn't let me down. I was right with you until the end. I don't know what is actually intentional on your part and what isn't, but I think you could have stretched out the ending just a bit and still give it the kind of suspended ending you want. I felt the end was a bit abrupt, even for an abrupt ending. You might want to elaborate a little more, too, on the background of Diego and Tiago. If you only want to imply the background, maybe throw in a little more? No, it's not perfect, but I feel you on hating life. Since you put it up for review, you obviously like writing, and you seem to have a knack for storytelling. A few tweaks and this one would be perfect. Btw, I hate life, too, and it never goes away. Sometimes it gets better, sometimes, well, you learn to live with it...Keep writing!
I like the subject matter, the last few lines reminds me of that feeling of accelerating onto an interstate and into adventure after just leaving home. I think you could lose some of the descriptive words in the beginning without losing your point. But, you know how you want the work to read, so that's your call. It just seems that it could hold up to a little streamlining in front. You definitely have the talent to show your picture in more description, less words. I enjoy the feeling I get from reading it, but after reading it a couple more times while I'm writing this, I still feel you CAN tighten it up on the front a bit more. Maybe not much, but play with words a little more because the idea, and your way of conveying it, definitely works. I can tell you understand word flow and how to use it. Good read! I'd like to read more of your work. Thanks!
I think you did a great job! I came here to read more of your work and I found what I expected, a trove of treasures! If you like, I'd love to have you review some of my work. I don't have it neatly contained in my portfolio as you do, I'm not an organized person at all. And I only have a few works in my portfolio, but I'd like to know what you think of what I've written there! Maybe I'll request a review or two from you? Keep up the good work!
That's really good!! It's a good subject, the words flow almost effortlessly. The theme is easily understood and yet deep enough to move the reader. You did a great job!! I'd like to read more of your work!
I love the theme. I think you could work on the words a little and still relate the emotions. It seems you're building up to something but that something isn't expressed well enough. Remember, I am just one opinion. Keep working on it! I know I've talked about building it up a little, but keep in mind you don't want to venture far from your idea, which is a great one!
Totally COOL idea! I gasped at the placement of the laundry bag. I think you could come up with a more descriptive title. Elaborate on life with Harry a little more, maybe. Dress up the first few paragraphs to make them interesting enough to hold the reader, and you've got it.
I love the theme here. Being thankful to God is a great topic, and should be but isn't seen enough. That said, I think the author could have maybe browsed around a thesaurus for a choice of descriptive words. But I like it just the way it is. Sometimes that's the only way to portray exactly what the author is thinking, which is what writing is all about.
With your poem, you gave me a new, albeit sad view of abortion. But I feel you compromised driving your point home with strong words by trying to construct rhyme. If you maybe had put a little more time into the emotions you are trying to convey, the poem would reach out and grab the reader, and hold the reader in suspense, instead of the confusion of trying to work every line into a rhyme. I've found that if you let the words travel to their places as they wish, so to speak, if it doesn't rhyme perfectly, it holds the reader better. I felt I was trying as hard as you seemed to be as I read, to make the lines rhyme. But I love the idea and I'm sure you are more passionate about it than this example showed.
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