I enjoyed reading this, I think the plot could be quite good. However, there were a lot of spelling and punctuation errors. I'm assuming this is still a rough draft. I went through and put in () what I thought needed adjustment. I noticed a lot of sentences that were run on and that didn't get grouped in a paragraph. Editing notes aside, I was intrigued by McKenna and want to know more about him. Is it dumb that I want Ellie to fall head over heels in love with him? This has great potential, but because of the spelling errors I'm going to drop a star rating. Please email me when the spelling is fixed and I'll raise the star rating.
From the moment she stepped off of the Boeing 747 in Colombia(,) Ellie began uncomfortably sweating profusely.
She was to meet someone she would be spending an abundant amount of time with in the very near future and their first impression of her would be a sweaty if slightly nervous mess with Roary McKenna looking over her – could it be much worse? (This sentence was a little confusing. Maybe rewording it would work? i.e. She was to meet someone that she would be spending an abundant amount of time with. Their first impression of her would be a sweaty, slightly nervous mess. The fact that Roary Mckenna is a third person should be clarified)
McKenna scoffed (at) Ellie as she entered a village-hall-type building that was slowly filling with more and more people. The vain of her life as she knew it, the constant headache besieging her since she first learned of him and an enemy that was now a rival too. (He was the bane of her life as she knew it, the constant headache besieging her since she had first learned of him. He was her enemy and now a rival too.)
What a great way to spend my twenty eighth birthday, she thought now (I would delete the word now, it's not necessary). Exhausted, uneasy, sweaty, and...
“You must be Ellie Sanderson,” a tall dark haired man with a comforting(ly) familiar London accent interrupted her self-pitying thoughts. “I’m Toby Chalk.”
(Several sentences stand alone, I would consider forming a paragraph with them.)
“Are you my partner? I’m supposed to be finding out who is...” Hell, she had no idea how it worked – was she supposed to find the organiser (organizer) of the race and ask?
When he was out of sight (,) she glanced around the small meeting room made up of participants from the race.
That was it then: he was her partner, the person she’d be spending a surplus amount of time with, the man she would have no choice but to trust. (The sentence runs on a bit, might want to break it up into two sentences.)
She realised (realized) she could do much worse. For example she would have had difficulties communicating with the Spanish gentleman who didn’t speak a lick of English or the sandy-haired gentleman who tried hitting on her as soon as she had walked through the door or the woman with the sleek black hair that seemed to have a permanent unpleasant look on her face who was probably incredibly unfriendly. (run on sentence)
The thought of accidently (accidentally) - on-purpose not signing something crossed her mind (,) but McKenna was persistently over her shoulder the whole time.
They were given their accommodation details – a hotel. A hotel where there would be air conditioning! Where she could shower! She could just jump and whoop in the air at the thought.
She should have been apprehensive about sharing a hotel room with an almost-stranger and leaving alone with him (,) but she was relieved to be out of the company of McKenna and his bad attitude.
For desert there was a tray full of colourful (colorful) fruit and they both had their share of guava, mango, apple, and pear.
After lunch Toby took her walking across the Bocagrande Beach where they talked about the gruelling (grueling) trip ahead that was the Dragoman Challenge.
After their walk they stopped at one of the hotel's snack bars for a drink: he had an ice cold beer and she had a tropical juice before they headed back to the room.
"It appears our finalisation (finalization) meeting has been delayed until morning."
The finalisation meeting (finalization)
Once back into the hotel room (,) Toby took a call on the telephone. He was needed for an emergency in the lobby. "I'm a doctor," he explained, "I’m on duty always." He smiled as if he loved his job.
Ellie - (, instead of -) who was taking full advantage of being alone in the hotel room -(, instead of -) rifled through some of Toby's possessions.
There seemed to be no personal items; no passport, no drivers licence, no photographs of a partner or children, and certainly no personal items of jewellery (jewelry).
She thought back to her own luggage. It was more or less the same - full of clothing and toiletries. She hadn't any photographs with her or any jewellery (jewelry,) only her passport and driver licence as forms of identification.
When Toby arrived back in the room (,) Ellie was out on the balcony enjoying the Caribbean sun and the view of the sea.
"I've been invited to dinner tonight with a couple of mates of mine who are doing the challenge too. You're welcome to come with." Toby called to her as he pulled of (off) his shirt to put on a clean fresh one.
After introductions were made, Ellie found herself being seated elbow-to-elbow between Toby and his friend Orlando De Luca (,) who was local to Cartagena.
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| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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