First off, the hook of your story was decent. What's the crowd there for? Why are they so excited? What's the main characters relationship to all of this? Those were all questions it left me asking. Your descriptive writing was decent as was the pace. Most of all your ending was great. However, there are a couple mistakes I would like to point out and a few things I implore you to revise or take into consideration.
First things first, let's start with grammar. I noticed in your 2nd paragraph that when the father says "he's only 9" there is no punctuation or quotation mark at then end. In your 3rd paragraph where it says "begging me to make it stop", there should be a period before it starts the sons dialogue. Then after his dialogue, there should be a new paragraph due to the change of focus to the father. (You could also start the new paragraph right before he says please, though I, myself, prefer the other way.) Also it should be "I stooped down to hug him..." not "I stoop down to hug him..." With the way it's written now the tenses conflict. Last thing I have for this paragraph is to include either a comma or a period when he says "Please" to the guard. On your 4th paragraph when the father asks about the details on the beach, the tenses conflict. "How did it smell? Was it hot? What does the sand feel like...?" Instead it should be either "How DOES it smell? IS it hot? What does the sand feel like...?" Or "How did it smell? Was it hot? What DID the sand feel like...?" When the dad says "Wow" in response to the child feeling the mist, there should either be an exclamation mark, or a period. On the sentence that says "The guard took him away from and in a break with protocol..." I feel the part that "in a break with protocol" is an unnecessary detail since it had no impact on my view of the situation. That's it for the grammatical errors. Most of these are really insignificant since they are simple punctuations and new paragraphs. Main thing I would like to draw attention to is the conflicting tenses. Fixing those would make it flow a little better for the reader.
Now onto revisions and considerations. One of the first sentences you had threw me off a bit. It took a couple re-reads to click in my mind. "The noise mixed with tiny bits of paper swirling all around us and the pungent ever present odor of stadium beer." I would say that, rather than talking about The noise again since we already know it's loud, you say something more like this:
" With every step we took a pungent smell of stadium beer grew stronger. Tiny pieces of paper [or you could try newspapers if that works for you] that littered the walkway blew about us in the wind as I stared at the crowd in gut-wrenching awe."
Another sentence that stuck out to me was this: "Remember last year at the beach with your sister collecting shells and touching jelly fish on the beach?" It's redundant, plus it's written kind of funky. I think you're trying to make it sound like the son is doing that stuff with his sister, but the way I read it made me think it was just about his sister. If most people are reading it like that, it makes it a lot less believable in my opinion. When I was young I could care less about what my sister was doing. So my suggestion is this:
"Remember last year when you were collecting shells and touching jellyfish with your sister on the beach?"
I know this is getting a little long-winded but I promise I'm almost done.
A few things I would like you to consider. Double spacing or intending new paragraphs. It makes it a heck of a lot easier on the eyes. Also, I thinks it's really hard to make something so short a "tear jerker". I had no connection to these characters. A good tear jerker usually lets you get attached to the characters or the relationships between them so that once something bad happens to either of them, it provides a much bigger emotional impact. With such a short story it's nigh impossible to do that, so the writer is practically forced to overdo it in an effort to get a big emotional punch if that makes sense. For me, I felt like that's what was happening every time the boy said "Daddy" and especially every time he mentioned something about the beach. What I would suggest is that you tone it down a bit. You can still have a nice little "dark drama" it just won't necessarily be a "tear jerker". Trust me though, I think the story will be more powerful (though I guess every reader is different too).
In conclusion, the hook was good along with your pace and descriptive writing. The ending was a nice twist and left me satisfied. Next time be aware of your punctuations and sentence structure. New paragraphs and indentations are another thing to be mindful of. Most of all though, I suggest that the drama is toned down since I feel the amount you have makes it a little cheesy.
I really hope you're intending on making a second. It was very well written. Her creepiness made me shiver with discomfort. This has potential to be very disturbing. Only thing I noticed was a spelling mistake. It says Adam 'hoped' out if his car, when it should be 'hopped'. But that's all that stuck out at me. Really hoping to read more on this story.
I may just be a simple nobody who is by no means at all a writing veteran. However, I would still like to throw in my two-cents for this story. First and foremost I noticed a lack of descriptive features. For instance, what does Jessie look like? Is she skinny or fat? Blonde or brunette? Black or white? While I'm game for leaving some things up to the imagination, I don't think that much should be left to it. Also the house. I would highly suggest that it gets described. The whole story I imagined the house as being brand new which, first off, isn't as creepy, and second off, doesn't make sense when I hear it is pre-owned. That being said, a pre-owned house givesn you a good opportunity to paint a picture for the reader that instills in them a stronger feeling of suspense and insecurity. Is the house in good or bad condition? Are there an creaky floor boards? Does it have a funky smell? Describing things like that, in my opinion, could make the story much more powerful.
I also noticed a couple really small grammatical errors. They're mostly the lack of commas so I can't really recall where I saw them, but if you re-read it with that in mind you may be able to spot them. Also one sentences that popped out at me that I would like to suggest a revision.
In reference to the basement door: "She closed the door closed behind them..."
Suggested revision: " She quickly closed the door behind them..."
One last thing, I feel like the officer in the end "... Looking around him to ensure no one was in earshot" Seems unnecessary. I mean its all up to you obviously, but I just feel like its there to fulfill a different kind of purpose than it is actually fulfilling. Perhaps a feeling of discomfort or disturbance?
All in all, it's got good potential to be a fine short story. More description is the main thing I'm trying to point out with this review. As I said in the beginning I am by no means an expert at writing (heck I haven't even written enough to post anything). I feel that I kind of make myself out as being arrogant in this review, so I would like to state that this is simply constructive criticism. None of this is here to make you think that I feel that I could do better.
Good luck and happy writing!
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