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1
1
Review of Assignment 1  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Jenn,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Assignment 1"  and on behalf of "House of Sensual Prose " , I would like to offer the following comments.

*Woman**Man*Your Characters:.

Part 1

You've done a fantastic job with each of your characters. I love how your introduction of them all was in a sort of interview format, as if they were asked questions about themselves, by an invisible interviewer who successfully dug a few bits of each persons personality to the forefront.

I have to say you've grasped my attention with these four individuals, and your "Jacobs Den" is definitely a great way to step into the introduction of erotica.

Part 2

*Male* Michael Lancing ~ Is a average looking professor who values education, becomes annoyed with women giving misleading mixed signals as to where an anticipated night would end, and has a domineering personality.

*Female* Laura Jones ~ A spoiled and judgmental woman who choses to live off the families money, rather than finding a career she will possibly enjoy, not to mention a tease of the worst kind for any man, but one could take as her wanting... no needing the thrill of what the teasing chase has to offer.

*Vine1* Your Setting:

Outside of knowing they were at Jacob and Karen's wedding reception at the all famous 'Jacobs Den', nothing was forth coming as to what that environment was like. What sort of decor, what kind of music, how were the tables decorated. In Laura's mind, it wasn't a traditional wedding reception, so what made the place different? Remember to bring out your character(s) environment so that it all seems real to your reader.

*Kiss* Your Sensual Elements:

Was definitely there in the caress of the first hand shake, kiss of the hand, the feel of Laura's leg, and her vanilla scent.

Suggestions:

The only suggestions I have it that the use of a comma in your writing will go a long way to make your sentences more powerful. Example:

You said *Right* “Like I said I don’t know much about him except what Karen tells me,” Laura prefaced. “How do you know them?”

Adding a comma after "Like I said... would make, Laura's snide remark more powerful. See *Down*

“Like I said, I don’t know much about him except what Karen tells me,” Laura prefaced. “How do you know them?”

Also, I would have liked your kiss to last longer. I would have liked you to focus more on those feelings, and how it all played out. Their first kiss seemed rushed and I know it was because of your limitation on the word count. But that was what this assignments Part 2 main focus was, bringing them to that first, heart pounding, nerve recking, blood boiling, sensual, mind blowing first kiss, that kept them thinking of each other non-stop until finally they meet again.

*Trophys* In closing

You've done a good job with this week. I can't wait to see what happens next. Great job!

Keep Writing!
Lina,
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2
2
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya Belial

Welcome to WDC! As a welcome gift, I've decided to review your poem "The Incubus' Rapture"  on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board" 


Short Disclaimer:I'm not good at poetry, and sometimes have a hard time reviewing them. Please understand my only aim is to help and encourage, disregard anything not deemed so, as that is never my intention.

*Ribbon* Your title: "The Incubus Rapture" Wow, this is fantastic title. It draws the reader to the poem, and your words combined keeps their (my) eyes plastered to the page.

*Ribbonb* Your Form/Style: I'm not a judge here, but I see and hear the rhyming flow, which makes the entire piece even more a splendid read.


*Ribbong* Your Imagery: Your descriptives are excellent. Through your eyes, you've painted a good picture, lovers of lust to beware of the incubus raft. Fantastic Job!


*Ribbono* Your Flow: Runs line to line, transitioning smoothly and done really well. Great Job!


*Ribbonp* Your Tone: The depth of feeling is done exceptionally well.

*Heart* My Favorite Line(s):

Love - The grandest lie.

And I'll tell you why.

It drags and degrades

With ragged charades

Of passionate bliss.

It laughs at that kiss.

It sends you friendly

Enemies like me.

Who'll charm and seduce

And expertly use

An arsenal of

The trappings of love

Mixed with sex appeal

Your lover to steal.

I've done it before.

Fiancées galore

Await my return.

These words simply speak for themselves


In closing, I truly enjoyed your poem. It's extremely well penned and I enjoyed the fabulous read. Thank you for inviting me to be apart of such a powerful set of words.


Keep writing! *Quill* You're a wonderful writer/poet! Bravo!!

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3
3
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi StephBee - House Targaryen ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "A trip to Berlin - 1988" , and on behalf of "Gang's Monthly Review Board" , I would like to offer the following comments.

Small Disclaimer: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. My only aim is to help and encourage, please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

Wow! *Delight* I can't image the great feeling you must have had, and probably still hold, knowing you were able to visit such a beautiful place, and during it's still historic times. I'm so glad you showed that guy up! To think what women had to go through during those times, it had to be very frustrating, but in your case extremely rewarding when you proved you could out do the so called masculine man! To have witnessed that! I mean, really?! "Lazy," or a "Slut". I suppose being 8 years old at the time, I was ignorant to that sort of thing. Good thing to, because with my dad, and brothers, I was raised to be a tough cookie, and have had to take down the levels of testosterone with my male brother and their friends many times. Awesome Job!

I love history, and your story just makes me sigh in giddy delight. So many times have I wished to just be able to experience a different time in history, just once, and only of a little while. I'm sure you had your share of fears, but the history you have, and have experience is outstanding!

I haven't done so, but I am definitely going to go purchase "Queen in Waiting", by Jean Plaidy, sounds like my sort of read!

To actually have seen the Berlin wall before its fall, it a great time in memorable history. I know you were there only five days, but your trip was the most amazing thing ever!

*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your memorable moments! *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*


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4
4
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Applejazz ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Nickname made cool (maybe)" , and on behalf of "Gang's Monthly Review Board" , I would like to offer the following comments.

Small Disclaimer: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. My only aim is to help and encourage, please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

Apple Jack, is a simple rancher who I assume stumbled upon a small town for a drink to help calm his mind and body after what was possibly a long journey and whom just wanted a good nights sleep. Only he ran into someone who refused to allow him that peace. In an effort to protect himself, he did something he warned his opponent not to force him to do. It seemed he was use to being approached in such a way, and knew the steps which would follow, and is why he calmly asked the sheriff to find him at this resting place.

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

AJ, which I see stands for Apple Jack. This was another confusing thing to me in your story, and maybe because when he got to the bar he asked for an "Apple Jack" drink. Then all of a sudden that was his name. It would have been better to clarify that at the beginning as to not confuse your reader. You did clarify this later on, that he was drinking his "namesake", but you should not that earlier on, or maybe when he ordered the drink. Like when you said he grinned, possibly use internal dialogue and say maybe; "he took on the name after first having this drink and it agreed with him", or maybe "the name was given to him because it was his father's favorite drink." Something like that, just keep your reader from having to work to hard to understand your story.

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

I was a bit confused here as to whom was speaking, as your characters dialogue flowed and bunched together, like here.*Down*

Without a word, he made his way to the bar. The barkeep, after realizing that he was gawking, walked over. With the fake enthusiasm practiced with many a customer, he asked "So partner, what's your name and what will ya have?". A grin tugged at the stranger's mouth for a heartbeat, and he looked up and gave his answer. "Applejack".

Each characters words should be placed on a separate line. See *Down*

Without a word, he made his way to the bar.

The barkeep, after realizing that he was gawking, walked over. With the fake enthusiasm practiced with many a customer, he asked "So partner, what's your name and what will ya have?".

A grin tugged at the stranger's mouth for a heartbeat, and he looked up and gave his answer. "Applejack".

Do you see, this helps a bit with showing the reader who's speaking. It also keeps them from having to go back and re-read to get the understanding.

*Leaf* Your Setting:

I did have a clear picture of your bar saloon setting, which indicated and old western time in history. I love these sorts of stories. Your noting the different people and things they were doing gave a good picture of the place, only again, add some sensory. What were the colors? Were their hunting images/mounts plastered on the walls> Did the doors swing open? Were there only men inside, or maybe the ones which ran the harems? Just give as much detail as possible, while not telling, but using show.

Try this website.*Right*http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/showing/ - 110k -

*Questionv*Your Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Suggestions:

Your beginning seems a bit choppy to me. You can take the first three sentences and turn them into an dynamic opening.

You wrote:*Down*
A lone figure walked into town. His features were hidden by his hat. He had a gun on his hip.

Maybe consider something on the line of:*Down*
A long figure walked into town, his features hidden by a tan cowboy hat, and he hoisted a gun on his hip.

Then here you said:*Down*
He was dressed like most ranch hands, a light blue shirt and brown vest. He also had a pair of well worn black trousers on.

Try:*Right* He dressed like most ranch hands, light blue shirt, brown vest, and a well worn pair of black trousers.

It's important to show who your character is, and give visual to the things surrounding them. The use of sensory is important to grasp the readers attention and draw them in.

Please consider visiting*Down*
http://narchuleta.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Add-Narrative-and-Descriptive-Elements-to-Expository-Writing - 39k -It's a fabulous website with bundles of information on sensory and writing. If you have time, take a look. It has helped me go a long way in my own writing skills and bring reality to the page.

Also try this one*Right*http://www.netplaces.com/sensory-integration-disorder/sensory-integration-at-school/writing-right.htm - 20k -

*Trophys*In closing,

You have a great premise to your story, and as I've stated above, I love everything historical. The old west is one time frame I which to have been able to experience. With a few small "*Cut*'s here, and *Paste*'s there, you have a wonderful short tale. I hope you decide to add more to this story, because if you do, after you have made changes I'd love to read more of where to will take this story.

*Balloono**Balloons**BalloonB*WELCOME TO WDC!!!!!*Balloono**Balloons**BalloonB*


*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work.*Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*


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5
5
Review of Love Haiku's  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi A*Monaing*Faith

I am reviewing "Love Haiku's"  on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board" , and our joined efforts in the contest "I Write Romantic in Winter" .


Short Disclaimer: I’m not good at poetry, and sometimes have a hard time reviewing them. Please understand my only aim is to help and encourage, disregard anything not deemed so, as that is never my intention.


*Ribbonb* Your Form/Style: Gives unsubtle, yet delicate ways to express one's love of carnal desires. In such short words, you've displayed several scenes to show that of a lover, or lovers caress. Awesome Job!


*Ribbong* Your Imagery: Your descriptives are excellent. Through your eyes, you’ve painted a good picture, to those of all walks a vision to express even that of ones secret fantasies.

*Ribbono* Your Flow: Runs line to line, transitioning smoothly and done really well. Great Job!


*Ribbonp* Your Tone: The depth of feeling is done exceptionally well. You acknowledge the importance of having a one on one shared romance and intimate love, and those who choose to have partners galore, or even those who want's to experiment by opening Pandora's box. Perfect Job!


*Heart* My Favorite Line(s):

It's just us two and
our love is true, strong, virile;
monogamy lasts.


This is my favorite, because it tells the story of lovers whom, after being joined with multiple partners, or threesomes, that when love is finally touched, none of the above can out do the touch of the heart.


In closing, I truly enjoyed your poem. It’s extremely well penned and I enjoyed the fabulous read. Thank you for inviting me to be apart of such a powerful set of words.


Keep writing! *Quill* You’re a wonderful writer/poet!

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6
6
Review of Love You To Death  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi dejavu_BIG computerprobs ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Love You To Death" , and on behalf of "Gang's Monthly Review Board" , I would like to offer the following comments.

Small Disclaimer: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. My only aim is to help and encourage, please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

As a whole, you did a good job with this story. Your premise is really good. I love how your main character begin with one train of thought, and ended with a completely different outcome because he did not allow his learnt demons to take control. Great Job!

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

*Male* Jimmy, has strong and unsettling emotional ties to his past, situations which he grew up seeing, but because his mother loved both he, and herself, he was able to incorporate a different past, one which ultimately caused him to go down a different path. Wonderful Job Here!

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Your dialogue where used flowed at a easy pace, I was able to follow without confusion.

*Questionv*Your Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Suggestions:

I struggle in this area in my writing so I'm not much of a judge here. I live by my grammar book, it stays with me at all times. I located a few places which could use a bit of attention in your story. Please consider*Down*

Her for leaving me [add comma] and him for taking her away.
Reaching it, I crouched [add and] drawingdrew the gun hidden in [addfrom{/b] my coat.

I really like this paragraph, but internal dialogue should be in italics to let the reader know it is the characters thoughts, and " " are not necessary for the internal dialogue. See down*Down*

Confusion filled my mind. I stared at the gun, my body was tight with tension. This line of thinking could not be. I was not like my father. I'd never hit Angie." Then why are you here?" My thoughts whispered. "Is killing her different or better then hitting her ?"

It should be like this*Down*

Confusion filled my mind. I stared at the gun, my body was tight with tension. This line of thinking could not be. I was not like my father. I'd never hit Angie. Then why are you here? My thoughts whispered. Is killing her different or better then hitting her?

and again *Down*

" She'll never laugh, never get a second chance like your mother." It was relentless that voice. I would kill the boyfriend. She'd have to turn to me once he was gone. She'd have to love me.

"Did your mother love your dad after he killed that cop?" The inner voice was persistant." Would she want you to be like your father ?"

try like this*Down*

She'll never laugh, never get a second chance like your mother. It was relentless that voice. I would kill the boyfriend. She'd have to turn to me once he was gone. She'd have to love me.

Did your mother love your dad after he killed that cop? The inner voice was persistant. Would she want you to be like your father?

and finally*Down*

Replacing the gun in my jacket, I left quietly. The inner voice throbbed in my skull, "it's not too late for you."

try*Down*

Replacing the gun in my jacket, I left quietly. The inner voice throbbed in my skull, it's not too late for you.

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

You have several line within your story that are favorites, but these two stands out the best*Down*

Silently, I handed her the gun. Her eyes flew wide in shock.

" I need you, Mom" My body shook." Help me not to be like him."

They show Jimmy's need and want for help. He's not allowed things to overcome him and the fact that he went in search for help, shows is truly good heart.

*Trophys*In closing,

I love what you've done here with this story. Jimmy being in a very bad state from beginning, then a even worse state at the end, but he still had feelings which made this story that much more a success.

*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*


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7
7
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi dogpack:saving 4 premium: DWG ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "looking forward to the weekend" , and on behalf of "Gang's Monthly Review Board" , I would like to offer the following comments.

Small Disclaimer: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. My only aim is to help and encourage, please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

In general, you did a good job with this story. It is a cute funny little tale with added mystery, but also predicable.

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

Grace is obviously more trouble than your narrator has the knowledge to for see.
Yet she must be witty and lives life on edge in order to pull off what she did.

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Was a bit rough in spots, and only because you failed to separate sentences between the characters conversation.

Example:

"I'll pay you back if you purchase my ticket." Grace pleaded. "Ok", I said as I wondered what changed her plans

It should be like this*Down*

"I'll pay you back if you purchase my ticket." Grace pleaded.

"Ok", I said as I wondered what changed her plans.

*Leaf* Your Setting:

Your narrators car.

Because you had more room to work with, a few of the senses would have added to your story.

Maybe something on the line of*Down*

As we drove down the road, the many palm trees whizzed by.

or

While she was inside, I looked over to the tanned brick building. The Name engraved said, "Red Oaks Bank and Loan Center."

This adds realization to your story.

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

The next morning, Saturday, I looked at the news paper to see, Bank Robbery Bandit Takes Over 177 Million dollars.

I found this to be hilarious. I could imagine her face as she read the paper. She had to have had several thoughts which crossed her mind. Did she wonder if it was a friend? Did she think her friend was lucky to have escaped by the hair on her head? Did she think that was why her friend had run out so fast, and needed to escape town, because the robbers had noticed her, and she ran out before they could capture her?

*Check* My Suggestions:

There are a few places within your story that could use a bit of attention. Please click *Down* to see them.
Suggestions ▼


*Trophys*In closing, Your stories plot has great potential. Your main character was frustrated with the fact that friend needed her so much. But she was also such a trusting friend, that she didn't realize she was being used as a means to an end.

With a few *Cut*'s here, and a couple *Paste*'s there, you can bring your flash fiction peace to great heights.

*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work.*Bigsmile*

Keep Writing!*Quill*


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8
8
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Preston Orrick ,

Welcome to WDC! I've just finished reading *Books1* "Horror Story (100 words)" , and on behalf of "Gang's Monthly Review Board" , I would like to offer the following comments.

Small Disclaimer: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. My only aim is to help and encourage, please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

From reading the title, I was expecting the story to be about monsters, vampires, ghouls, werewolves, and etc. I wasn't expecting the scene your story told. Without giving away many details to future readers, I will just say your title is fitting to the facts told. Great Job!

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

An unsuspecting female, Victoria was found in a situation she wished she had not been involved in. Her emotions and feelings were vividly given to express her fear, confusion and concern. Wonderful Job!

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

No dialogue was used in this story.

*Leaf* Your Setting:

A classroom. The fact that there obviously were children involved in this setting, adds more worry to the scene, and adds more explanation to your title. Great Job!

*Questionv*Your Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:

I struggle in this area in my writing so I'm not much of a judge here. I live by my grammar book, it stays with me at all times. But looking closely, I didn't find anything which stood out in your writing. Perfect!

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

Cowering behind the desk, she listens and waits.

This shows me more was to come. And Victoria tried her best to hide, in hopes that the inevitable will not occur. In this one sentence, I could feel her fear, and I was hoping right along with her that her hiding spot would go unnoticed. Perfect attention to detail in this description!

*Check* My Suggestions:

Your opening sentence I believe it Victoria's internal monologue, and to give greater expression and add believability to your story, it's better to add internal monologue in italics.

You said*Down*

Fun? The word on the open door seemed laughable in all of this.

I would try*Down*

Fun? The word on the open door seemed laughable in all of this.

This way, the reader knows the character is speaking to herself.

*Trophyb*In closing, you did a really good job to convey the feelings, horror and fear of your character with a limited word count. It's a rare occasion when a person can create a scene in such few words, and you managed it with flying colors. Wonderful Job!

*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*


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9
9
Review of GOOD STUFF!  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Joy ,

I saw "GOOD STUFF!"  listed in "Comedy Newsletter (January 29, 2014)" . I've just finished reading it, and on behalf of "Gang's Monthly Review Board" , I would like to offer the following comments.

Overall, you did a fantastic joy with this story. I found myself continuously laughing as I read it. Once I read it, I then took and read the story to my husband. You have a wonderful flare of comedic writing. I loved every inch of this story.

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

Your characters were awesome. I mean, the wife was able to express all her displeasures with the man whom she shared her life with before she took her last breath.

Then your male character, describing the events was an idiot, whom could not really be blamed for his stupidity. I mean really? He truly thought she was complementing him? I died laughing. And the fact that he did not realize she was now a rotting corpse. It would have been even funnier if her ghost had lingered, around to see how much of a true idiot he really was.

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

I enjoyed this entire piece.

*Check* My Suggestions:

Is that you continue to share this sort of joy.

In conclusion, I really had fun reading this piece of writing, and I am happy it was listed in the newsletter. If was most definitely worthy to be placed as a good editors pick.

*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. Keep up the fantastic work!*Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*


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10
10
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
HiJay's debut novel is out now! ,

This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item"  that suser:urals} bought with the message: 'This is for the "Invalid Item" .*Smile*.

Small Disclaimer: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. My only aim is to help, and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

*Ribbonw*My Initial Impression:

In general, you did a good job with this story. From the artistic eyes of Archibald, you've created the vision of beauty with the added balance of being different, expressing as yourself, need to be wanted for whom you are and when you represent. Great Job!

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

Archibald, is obviously colorful and full of imagery. In a place he solace, solace, he encounters a beauty who on the outside seems to be out place. His battle with himself is excellent.

Archibald is able to express himself on the outside, where as Sophia has to hide behind the curtains of the life her family lives and whom they expect to be.

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Flowed at a easy to understand and fun pace. Your dialogue in this story answered lots of the questions one would ask to learn more of who the Sophia is.

*Leaf* Your Setting:

Inside a art museum, which is a fabulous place for characters Archibald, and Sophia. A great meeting place for two people who seems the world in the same light, but lives in two different places of the world.

*Trophys*My Favorite Lines:

Helen? too obsolete;
Elizabeth? too ornate;
Guinevere? too clumsy;
Jennifer? too blasé;
Kellie? too Baywatch.

I love how Izzy, tried searching out the best name for Sophia because he knew of it. I love how he gave each thought out name a different meaning as to why it would not be so. I was ecstatic to visualize the beauty he found in her. Saying Helen, as in Helen of Troy, because of the beauty she held from a time long pass, and even using Kellie, a more updated cutie. Wonderful Job!


I also like*Right* Sophia. The perfect name; free of baggage, full of depth.

Izzy's usage of expressing his meaning of names and how they fit the individual is awesome.

*Check* My Suggestions:

I noticed in a few places of your dialogue that you incorporated Sophia's speaking and Izzy's thoughts on the same line. Example*Down*

"Hi." Her voice. That voice! It's not beautiful, but it feels like mine. "This is really fun, you know?"

It should be like this*Down*

"Hi."

Her voice. That voice! It's not beautiful, but it feels like mine.

"This is really fun, you know?"

Another example*Down*

"Sophia," she replies. Sophia. The perfect name; free of baggage, full of depth.

Should look like this*Down*

"Sophia," she replies.

Sophia. The perfect name; free of baggage, full of depth.

*Ribbony* In closing, I love what you've done with this story. I would have loved to rate this story five stars, but the few places in the dialogue stopped this from occurring. Your creativity is awesome, and you can be sure to receive another visit from me soon.

*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work.*Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill* .



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11
11
Review of Bitten  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi o ,

I saw your story "Bitten"  in "Fantasy Newsletter (January 29, 2014)" , and I've just finished reading it. *Books1* On behalf of "Gang's Monthly Review Board" , I would like to offer the following comments.

Small Disclaimer: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. My only aim is to help and encourage, please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

In general, you did a wonderful job with your description describing the thoughts and motives of a vampire. I love vampire stories, and I think that is something that will never stop. To be inside the head of one, and feel his emotions is a wonderful thing.

I grab you by the waist and pull you in close.

Your Opening sentence is the deal breaker. It made me shiver, and I could almost feel your Vampire connect his arms around me. Wonderful Job!

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

Our lips connect in perfect harmony, we stay that way for a few moments. Our tongues move against each others like 2 serpents fighting for a win in the endless battle of the hunter and the hunted. I feel connected to you, I know I will soon overpower you and you the innocent one will simply be my victim.

Ooh, you've managed to incorporate romance, desire, pain and motive into these few words. I love every part of this paragraph and I commend you on your talents. I was drawn into your vampire from here on out. Fantastic Job!

*Check* My Suggestions:

Our eyes meet and for that one instant I feel as if your soul is already mine. I can see it through your eyes.

In the above sentence, to take away the repetition, I would recommend taking away one of the eyes. Example*Down*

Our stares met and for that one instant I feel as if your soul is already mine. I can see it through your eyes.

or maybe*Down*

Our eyes meet and for that one instant I feel as if your soul is already mine. I can see it through your gaze.

I whisper you will soon be mine. You will soon be relieved of all the suffering you have experienced in your pain filled life.

In the sentence above, it looks like you used some dialogue. I would say consider something like*Down*

I whisper, "you will soon be mine. You will soon be relieved of all the suffering you have experienced in your pain filled life."

I can almost taste your blood. a thought: I can nearly taste your blood.

In conclusion, you did a fabulous job with your vamps thoughts and feelings. You have a wonderful talent here, and I want to know more about this vampire. I hope you decide to expand and make a complete short story from what you have here. If you ever decide to do it, and post it, please let me know. I almost ache to read more. With a few simple *Cut*'s here and a few small *Paste*'s there, your descriptions will be perfect.

*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill* You have a great talent!


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12
12
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Jay's debut novel is out now! },

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Lonely and Never Alone" , and on behalf of "Gang's Monthly Review Board" , I would like to offer the following comments.

Small Disclaimer: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. My only aim is to help and encourage, please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

A hilarious absurd little tail of a person whom is in much need of human company. I found myself chuckling at several places. What a very fitting title.

*Questionv*Your Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:

I struggle in this area in my writing so I'm not much of a judge here. I live by my grammar book, it stays with me at all times. Though I lack in this area, I found nothing to comment on in your story. Wonderful Job!

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

He walks with me, stands by the fridge with equal snobbery, expects an equal slice of bread and butter (even though he just licks the butter off).

Nigel is obviously considered a snob, as well your character has made her that way. She has nothing more to do than sit up each, and enjoying being dotted up by her owner, who is seriously lacking human contact. {I reinerate}

*Check* My Suggestions:

None. This is quirky, but fun tale. I really enjoyed it.

*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. Keep up the wonderful work I'm sure to visit your port again soon. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*


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13
13
Review of Sally  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Arakun the Twisted Raccoon ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Sally" , and on behalf of "Gang's Monthly Review Board" , I would like to offer the following comments. My only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

Small Disclaimer: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. My only aim is to help and encourage, please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

"Sally"  is definitely a worthy flash fiction win. You did a fantastic job with this story. I found myself drawn in from the first line, and wanted to continue on till the end. Wonderful Job!

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

When John first encountered Sally, I found myself sharing in his anger. Why would she would use trickery to swindle another person, no matter her current position in life, I asked? Then went to wondering like him, how she knew who he was. I experienced several different emotions from such a small tale. As I stated before, Anger, then frustration, annoyance, guilt, and shame. I could only image what he felt once he researched, and find the truth of things.

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Flowed in a realistic manor, and pace to perfection. Great Job!

*Leaf* Your Setting:

Outside an abandoned building, near a mini mart. This was a wonderful place to set your scene and get the action moving. I could actually see Sally, peeking from around a corner of the place, looking and hungry and helpless. Great visual detail!


*Questionv*Your Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:

I found no misspellings, or grammar errors. Great Job!

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

“Okay! I have no reason to go there now anyway,” John grumbled, pulling his arm away. “I gave you all my money!”

This was my favorite line because, I too felt this same distrust and anger at what was perceived as a lie.


*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*Your great at it!




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14
14
Review of Louis and Jacqui  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi JACE - House Targaryen ,

My name is Lina, and I've just finished reading *Books1* "Louis and Jacqui" , and would like to offer the following comments on behalf of "Gang's Monthly Review Board" .

Small Disclaimer: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. My only aim is to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

"Louis and Jacqui"  is a tale filled with fables and truths. I love when a author can use his/her imagination to create a story based on facts, then turn around and use the same legend, adding his/her ingenious making it clever, and entertaining in one. Wonderfully done!

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

You have created the infamous Louis XIII from the imagery of your eyes, to be compelling and believable. I get lost in my character(s). Most times they are active living beings inside my head. I find joy when I've read a story and find the author believes their characters to be real and portrays this in his/her creation. You have delivered to the readers (me) expectations. Awesome Job!

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Flowed at a easy and convincing pace. Very satisfying.*Smile*

*NoteV*Your Plot:

A young boy, Louis, needs to experience life as a child, yet is forced into adulthood much before his time, Louis finds temporary solace in a companion of nearly his same years. His bliss ends when his duties call for the relationship to be severed. You used perfect fact/fiction mixture here!*Bigsmile*

Jacqui, is a great supporting character to the quieted Louis. Even more so because when he learned that she already knew of his true identity, he knew she was hurt, but still she supported that the decisions made were not his own. Wonderful Job!

*Questionv*Your Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Suggestions:

There were only a few minor areas in your otherwise perfect story which could use a bit of attention.

Everything done to and for Louis was to prepare him [to] the lead the largest Catholic populated country in the world.

The gardens at the Chateau de Fontainebleau were replete with fruit trees which begged being pilfered by a young boy.

This line reads a bit confusing. I read it over a few times out loud to help me get the flow better. This is just thought, and could sound this way because of the time of the piece, but I'm thinking a word needs to be added or taken away. Maybe something like*Down*

The gardens at the Chateau de Fontainebleau were replete with fruit trees which begged [to be] being pilfered by a young boy.

This may also may just be me, but again I think a simple add or change of a word, or two will help with the sentence below.

He rode for what seemed like hours to [a] the young boy.

"Oooff," he cried, hitting the ground tumbling head over heels. [add space] He lay there for several minutes, dazed.

I found a few places in your writing where a comma would have worked out the kinks in your greatly written story. I have included below a few site I use to help me in those areas. Please have a look at them both.*Down*

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp I love this site, because it allows you to take a quiz on what you’ve read. It also gives excellent examples to help with the understanding of how and when a comma should be used.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm This is also a great and informative site.

In the sentence below, I have given an example of how comma may add a better flow to it.

He spurred Lightning onward [add comma] leaving his entourage far behind.


With a few *Cut*'s and *Paste*'s here. You have the makings for a fantastic story.


*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

I enjoyed the entire story. Keep up the amazing work!.


*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill* You're a great writer!




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15
15
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi The Cowboy ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR" , and would like to offer the following comments.

Please Note: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. Below are my personal opinions as a lover of books and words of all sorts and as a fellow writer seeking to express my inner passions.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

In general, you did a good job with this story. It tells the thoughts of a once maiden, now whisked away by her long awaited Knight and Shining Amour. It’s told in a tale as old as time, the fantasies of a girl turned women, and her joy of having her wishes made into a reality.

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

Nothing much was given in the face of your characters, outside of the main character being pretty. And your hero was her dream man.

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

There was no dialogue to go with this story, only the thoughts of a girl who’d dreamed of love, and the passions she experienced when that desire was found.

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

The wind moves across her pretty face and represents the freedom her heart so much desires.

This is a very awesome way to open up a story. This gives great expression to how the story will end, while not giving away major details. Very creative*Bigsmile*

A quick *Thought2* here. If you add a comma after face, this will add fire to the already powerful statement.

Example*Right*The wind moves across her pretty face, and represents the freedom her heart so much desires.

*Questionr* Spelling Errors:

wonder land should be wonderland

This is the only area I found the words to be misspelled, or separated I should say.

*Check* My Suggestions:

Paragraphs 1, 3, 7, and 11 should be placed together for better flow. Example*Down*

The strength of the horse beneath her offers her power to swiftly find that freedom. Each powerful
hoof beat
carries her away from the bondage and repression that has bound her heart. In her dreams the man she now so tightly clings to, holds the many keys to unlock her heart. He sets her heart free to beat with the swiftness of the wind that now touches her face.

This occurred in each of these paragraphs.

I found a few places in your writing where a comma would have worked out the kinks in a fairly good written story. I have included below a few site I use to help me in those areas. Please have a look at them both.*Down*

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp I love this site, because it allows you to take a quiz on what you’ve read. It also gives excellent examples to help with the understanding of how and when a comma should be used.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm This is also a great and informative site.

With a few *Cut*'s and *Paste*'s here. You have the makings for a great story.

*Butterflyv**Books3* Please Remember:,

This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

If at anytime you would like another review from me after you have made revisions to this story, please fill free to let me know. I will be happy to do so.

*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*




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16
16
Review of From Time to Time  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Dylan Faustus ,

I'm a student of "Invalid Item" , and you're receiving a Rockin Review. I've just finished reading *Books1* "From Time to Time" , and would like to offer the following comments.

Please Note: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. Below are my personal opinions as a lover of books and words of all sorts and as a fellow writer seeking to express my inner passions.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

A interesting, and creative vision on Time Travel. You've done a great job describing the works of a scientist, and her findings.

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

Being in a workshop, with my fellow Paper Doll Gang members, I've come to look at my characters as people, in real life, doing real things. Your, Valencia Vivario, has left a lasting impression on me, making me think of her, and her experiments, long after the ending results. I can truly see her as a real person, not something made up. Wonderful Job!*BigSmile*

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Flowed at a easy pace, from person to person. Great Job!*Thumbsup*

*Leaf* Your Setting:

Different places in time and dates. Your setting has the same feel as, "Quantum Leap". I always enjoyed that show. I love how your main person is female. Awesome*Smile*

*Questionv*Your Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:

I found several area’s in your story where a comma would help with the flow of your story. I have given a few examples below, along with a couple websites which I use to help with my daily writing. I also have invested in a grammar pocket book. Between these sites, and the book, my writing has come a long way. I feel you too, and your story, would benefit greatly from these things.

See*Down*

After reading this[add comma] you would think that I would be asking the questions such as “Who is this Chronus?” or “Why am I here?” But I didn't [add comma] all I did was get straight to work. I first tried to understand what he meant by[add ;] “the ability to meld with its hosts mind”[add comma] I couldn't understand at all. I tried to focus on things such as[add ;] making an object out of my mind [add comma] but with no success. Then it happened[add comma] while spending my first night in the realm whilst sleeping my mind and my dreams must have awoken it. When I woke up [add comma] there it was staring at me with its glass eye. It was a machine. A pearl white machine was there Pearly white. At the time it was still a child. Merely a cube with an extending pipe which had a camera at the end. I was overjoyed at the sight of it. I then realized that whatever I wished for would create itself inside of the machine. I could only create small things to begin with such as[add ;] cogs[add comma] and spanners. With these tools[add comma] I developed my machine until it turned into my best friend, his name is Aeon. Within a month of me being in the rift in between[add comma] I had created a vast world full of things I could only dream of, such as a glorious station of mechanical marvel.

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp I love this site, because it allows you to take a quiz on what you’ve read. It also gives excellent examples to help with the understanding of how and when a comma should be used.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm This is also a great and informative site.

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

“Well I got all the time in the world, so why don’t you just tell me.”

I love how Valencia used her knew founds gifts to help others. Her compassion is great. She never tries to alter the past, but attempts to help the individual to receive closure. Wonderful! *Smile*

*Check* My Suggestions:

Is that you revisit your story after reading, and researching grammar and its rules.

Then I'd like to ask to you write more. I truly enjoyed your story, and would love to read more of Valencia's travel stories. If you do write more, please consider sending me an email to review it.

*Butterflyv**Books3* Please Remember:,

This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.



*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill* You're a great writer!




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17
17
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi MichaelaByrd ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Nothing In This World is Free" , and would like to offer the following comments.

Please Note: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. Below are my personal opinions as a lover of books and words of all sorts and as a fellow writer seeking to express my inner passions.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

An inspiring and engaging tale of the cost of Gods love. Fabulous Job!*BigSmile*

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

Jane searching for things offered free in the world. Where as John, is attempting to explain nothing is free.

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Filled with questions, and answers expressing everything in world has a price tag.

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

"What about God's love for us? That's free."
"You['ve] got me there."

Finally, John did not have a rebuttal to dispute the questions asked. He knew no argument could come when what Christ gave us, was in fact given freely. Great Job!*BigSmile*

*Check* My Suggestions:

When you get in a car accident[add comma] and have to go to the emergency room, they might have to put air in you. Then you get a big bill from them.

An action should be followed by a comma, then continued with dialogue.

My suggestion is a minor one, you've given your readers something to thing about. Wonderful Job!*Bigsmile*

*Butterflyv**Books3* Please Remember:,

This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.


*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*




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18
18
Review of Halloween Party  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Coffeebean ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Halloween Party" , and would like to offer the following comments.

Please Note: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. Below are my personal opinions as a lover of books and words of all sorts and as a fellow writer seeking to express my inner passions.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

Incredibly Creative and Crafty. Writing Micro-Fiction is not a easy feat, I know, I'm also a participant in this same contest. But you have delivered not only in the desired word count, but also with clever imagination. Wonderful Job! *BigSmile*

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

Chilling Non-Fictional murders, set free on a night evil is allowed. Really scary!

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

You did a wonderful job bringing about, true worst nightmare's, into the life of this small fictional, but compelling tale.

*Leaf* Your Setting:

Served well with the contest Picture prompt. That's not a party I would want to attend, nor would I ever want to meet attendees, let along ring their bell.

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

The full story is a good read. Creepy, but good. Wonderful Job!

*Butterflyv**Books3* Please Remember:,

This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.


*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*
You're a very Talented writer!




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19
19
Review of Falling, In Love  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Solivagus ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Falling, In Love" , and would like to offer the following comments.

Please Note: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. Below are my personal opinions as a lover of books and words of all sorts and as a fellow writer seeking to express my inner passions.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

An intriguing little story. I wish it had been a bit longer in word length, but you did a good job. I don't believe I'd be able to create a story from beginning to end in 100 words or less, because of my long winds. You did so, and did a great job! congrats on that! *Thumbsup*

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Was brief, as it was intended to be, and flowed with ease. Each line connected to the next, at a steady pace. Great Job!*Smile*

*Leaf* Your Setting:

The edge of a cliff, then over it.

Great job!

A *Thought*, I think I would have liked to hear the wind wiz as they fell, rather than smell the angel's cologne, or maybe, feel her fear. This would make for a more realistic scene for your readers.

I realize you are constrained to 100 words, which you have done a great job with, and I thought your main character didn't know he was an angel, or if she did, it wasn't hinted at. I can think of a few thoughts for this, which is why I said explore more of the drop, rather than the cologne.

I know you were trying to at least incorporate two of the senses, which is a wonderful thing to achieve in such short words.

Maybe if you eliminate a few words in other lines you can achieve this goal.

Like here*Right* Suddenly with a great tear of fabric I heard his wings expand mightily.

You could try *Right* Suddenly with a great tear of fabric [add comma], I heard [felt] his [mighty] wings expand mightily.

See, you still have two different senses involved, if you were to take away the smell. Or you can keep what you have, this is just a thought.

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

Touching gently down, he whispered in my ear, "I'll always protect you."

This gave me the feeling, he was her appointed 'Guardian Angel', until the kiss that is. Great Job! *Smile*


*Butterflyv**Books3* Please Remember:,

This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.


*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill* To pull off 100 words, and make it a good read, you are now one of my hero's in writing.




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20
20
Review of Jenny  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Elena ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Jenny" , and would like to offer the following comments.

Please Note: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. Below are my personal opinions as a lover of books and words of all sorts and as a fellow writer seeking to express my inner passions.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

Had me nervous and out of my chair, wanting to thrash the man for his devious attempt. *Thumbsup*

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

Jenny was delightful and full of spirit. I enjoyed her spunk and calmness. Great Job! *BigSmile*

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Flowed at a brisk pace, kept me reading to the end, and wanting to know more about Jenny and her past. But I knew nothing more needed to be told. Awesome Job! *Smile*

*Leaf* Your Setting:

Had the feel of fall and the Halloween celebratory holiday. Great descriptions of Elm Street, and it's decorations to present the festivities to occur.*Thumbsup*

*NoteV*Your Plot:

Was right on to things that does occur in our demented world. I enjoyed the fact your villon got his just deserve. I don't want to give away too much, and ruin it for other readers, so I'll stop here. Fantastic Job! *Thumbsup*

*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

“I don’t think I will be staying,” Jenny replied, mysteriously. “But you will be.”

"Whoot Whoot! Rock on Jenny!," I rooted.

*Check* My Suggestions:

Said the man, not believing his eyes.

I think you can reword this sentence a little, not to take away from the fact, this is Jenny's P.O.V, not his. Maybe on the lines of:

Said the man, a look of disbelief on his face.

*Butterflyv**Books3* Please Remember:,

This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.



*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*
Your work is very entertaining!



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21
21
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Whitemorn ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Hillbilly Coon Hunt" , and would like to offer the following comments.

Please Note: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. Below are my personal opinions as a lover of books and words of all sorts and as a fellow writer seeking to express my inner passions.


*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

I found "Hillbilly Coon Hunt" , to be hilarious and very entertaining. Good Job! *Smile*

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

The narrating person was colorful in his speech, and had me laughing, even after I finished reading the story. Awesome Job! *Smile*

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Flowed in easy amusement, as your main character continued to describe he and Mucus's hunting antics.*Smile*

*Leaf* Your Setting:

Was a little bland. I would have liked to know if they went into the woods or if they just continued walking along the trail. I would have liked you to engage in more smells and the surroundings. Maybe even describe your characters a little more. Though I can picture Mucus just fine, but maybe your main character.

*NoteV* Your Plot:

Was funny and the use of the idiot 'boys' made for great humor. *Smile*

*Questionv* Your Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:

There are lots of misspellings and grammar errors in this story. But given your main characters level of speech and common sense, you did a wonderful job, making the misspellings and grammar errors work extremely well for the story. I found only three places I would consider using different spellings and or word changes.

*Them thare coons are some smart critters and it arn't aint easy to just walk up an blast em!*

I believe the word aint, would make this sentence flow better

*A few more feet an I wood wuld be able to tell if thare was any coons around thare ere, in the area.*

I believe changing wood to wuld, will give the reader better understanding as to what your character is referring to. I lessens the confusion. Instead of using 'thare' in the same sentence twice, consider using, 'ere' it is better used, in place of here.


*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

*Stop ya'lls cryin now Mucus and fer peets sake use a kertchif on that thar runny nose o yers!*
I gave me an even more vivid picture of the person I had drawn in my mind of Mucus. Yuck! *Smile*

*Check* My Suggestions:

I would have liked to know the name of the character who is speaking. And at the end of your story, you uses tenses such as:

*"Dang it all Mucus y'all ya missed the varmint"!*

This makes me believe it was more than just Mucus hunting with him. If so, maybe you could describe how many others.
If it was only the two of them, then maybe change 'y'all' to 'ya'.

*Stop ya'lls ya's cryin now Mucus and fer peets sake use a kertchif on that thar runny nose o yers!*
Consider changing ya'lls to ya's since he is speaking to only one person I would imagine.

*Butterflyv**Books3* Please Remember:,

This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.



*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill* Your skills as a comedian writer are superb!



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22
22
Review of Annie  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi carlton607 ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Annie" , and would like to offer the following comments.

Please Note: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. Below are my personal opinions as a lover of books and words of all sorts and as a fellow writer seeking to express my inner passions.


Special Note: I would like to start off by congratulating you on your short story. It takes great strength and courage to begin a project and see it to completion. Writing a story of any kind is thought up by our inner wills and passions.

Now, I will begin my review of your story. I ask that you keep an open mind and believe that my only aim here is to help and encourage you as a writer. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.

*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

Annie seemed to have some psychological issues, possibly because of something that occurred to her in the past-(this was hinted at, but nothing was told) or maybe some unseen forced dredge up in her mind. It was difficult to tell, because she would cry one moment, laugh the next and be afraid at the same time. My impression is still being determined.

*Balloonv*Your Characters:

Annie was a bit wacko, which could really be a good thing, provided the story is told the right way.
Buster, however was a great companion character used to help keep Annie comforted. Great Job*Smile*

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

I read the story several times and was still Left baffled and confused. I am going to give several examples, maybe even a line by line critique to help you in creating a flow that is easy to read. Please be advised, these will be my personal opinions only, it does not mean, nor will I imply that you must use my ideas. As they are just that. My ideas.

*Leaf* Your Setting

Was located in Annie’s bedroom. You stated a window was located inside, but did not go into the room’s surrounding. I would have liked to see the coloring of her walls. Did she use a quilt or comforter? Did she have hardwood floors or carpet? Did Buster have his own doggie bed? Was there a TV inside, books, candles? In what year did this take place?

*NoteV*Your Plot:

Lead up to Annie’s death, but did not give a reason as to why. Was it natural causes? Did she kill herself?

*Questionv*Your Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:

sole- should be soul
waste- should be waist waste=to throw away waist=a person midsection
sobbed and wailed means the same thing and should not be used together and in the same sentence.
Pieceful- should be peaceful
Mut- should be mutt
Passed- should be past


*Heart* My Favorite Lines:

In the murky darkness of her protection she hummed a song that she had sung in days past. It’s always nice to revisit past situations or in Annie’s case a tune.*Smile*

*Check* My Suggestions/Critique:

It was a stormy and dark night and Annie screamed out loud. "Why?" screamed Annie? It was a dark and stormy night. “Why?” Annie screamed.

She was popular and she liked to knit socks in her spare time. I’m unable to add anything in place of this sentence, as I’m not sure what it has to do with the plot or Annie screaming.

Annie worried and was alone in her house. She was alone in the house and that worried her.

Annie was frail. But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. (It seems you are attempting to give face to Annie’s person.) She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small.
Annie worried about something. (What was the something Annie worried about?

Her dog barked. Then suddenly her room was brightened by clashes of lightening that bit into her sole in a way that deeply gnawed at her and sobbed wailingly At her Buster’s bark, a sudden clash of light brighten her bedroom. The flash caused a deep fear that gnawed deeply at her soul and she sobbed. Teardrops moistened her rosy cheeks as she thought of a time, long ago. the teardrops moistening her rosy cheeks and she worried about that time from long ago when it had happened. Annie was a frail woman, with a thin waistline and blonde hair turned brown in a few areas.
(You can make your beats and tags flow better with simple wording and descriptions.)

(This would be the time to go into the past. Give a view of what occurred to her that time long ago.)
Outside her house she knew someone was trying to hide in the bushes and she sat up in bed in a panic state and worried. She had a feeling of being watched. Was someone outside hiding in her bushes? She sat up in a panic and raised her head to the window. She gasped, and Buster barked again. Her breathes came in deep gasps. Her dog barked again. She extended a withered arm out to comfort him, but was too weak to do so. He looked at her with soulful eyes and that helped to lighten her mood. She laughed in an uproarious fashion. “It’s okay, Buster. There’s nothing to worry about,” she cooed. himAnnie tried to comfort her dog but she was too weaked to do that. Her withered arm reached out but it didn't work. Her dog, Buster, looked at her with soleful drole eyes and Annie laughed out loud in an uproarious fashion and said,

Buster must have been able to feel Annie’s fear, for when the loud thunder sounded, he barked and pushed the blanket toward her with his nose. She raised it over her head and shook with fear. knew that Annie needed help. He barked again when he heard a flash of thunder and Annie pulled the blankets over her face in a quick and scared way. Buster was a mix breed dog and he liked to play. (Somehow, add this last part at the beginning, at Buster’s introduction.)

With the covers over her head, her mind drifted back to her youth when the incident happened. She was so young and beautiful. Then she thought of the time when she’d first gotten Buster as a puppy. She giggled and turned onto her side, and groaned in pain from the sudden movement. She wanted to clutch her heart but could not raise her hands. Her sea blue eyes filled with tears. Before Annie pulled the blankets over her face she thought about how young and beautiful she was when it had happened. She giggled and remembered the time when Buster was a puppy and turned sullenly onto her side. Annie groaned at the pain she felt and tried to clutch her heart but her hands didn't move. She gathered up all her strength to pull the blankets over her.

In the murky darkness of her protection she hummed a song that she had sung in days past. It brought her comfort and she sighed in relief, her teeth shined in the darkness, (this is not necessary) but her condition prevented her from feeling safe. Her blonde hair reminded her of that time long ago when it happened. She looked at her long strands of hair, the still visible blonde coloring reminded her again of that time long ago.

At Buster’s foot falls, she lowered the blankets and watched as he strolled out into the hallway. He curled up into his favorite ball and went to sleep. rolled over and went to sleep out in the hallway. Annie wondered why Buster did that even though she couldn't see him. Her sky blue eyes moistened with tears that threatened to spill out unannounced and stain her pillow. Her once apple red cheeks turned pale like fresh coconut flakes underneath her blankets and Buster knew he had to do something to help her. He knew that Annie never referred to him as a mut mutt. (I’m not sure how all this fits in, but you can take and add her cheek color to her description above)

The high winds caused Annie to fear a hurricane or a tornado.The winds outside her window had her fearing a hurricane or tornado. Again she lifted the covers over her head. She was petrified like a peace of old wood. Her face froze in the heat under her covers and she sweat,(How does her face freeze in heat?) She remained calm in spite of what had happened in the past, a past she wanted to forget but she couldn't stop remembering. (The wording is not bad there, but again, what past?) With those thoughts in her mind she drifted off into a pieceful peaceful slumber.

She dreamed of what had happened and several times she woke up in a chilling puddle of worry. (Please, I beg you. Share the occurrence)

The next thing she knew, was the sun was shining in through her bedroom window. It was bright and cheery and she felt that she had survived another night of distress despite what had happened to her. Buster barked. She lifted the blankets covering her tear stained weary face and was suddenly blinded by the brilliant light of a new day, a feeling of hope filled Annie. (Not bad)

She laughed and reached out for Buster and was surprised to see that her body had been rejuvenated. Buster barked loudly at seeing her resurrection. She knew he was happy because of his tail wagged. Her arm that had been paltry was now as plump as a chicken ready to be roasted.

Annie hugged Buster and thought how lucky she was.

Buster licked her face. and Annie said, "Oh Buster,...my passed past is gone." She laughed and he licked and her once ash cheeks, now turned red like a cardinal in flight seeking it's freedom.

Later that morning Annie died and Buster barked sadly at her. (Okay, I have to admit, I felt extremely cheated by this end. Please explain her illness, what happened to her?)

*Butterflyv**Books3* Please Remember,

Again: This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.


*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill* You can do it!!!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
23
23
Review of Keeper of Secrets  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Fancy ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Keeper of Secrets" , and would like to offer the following comments.


*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

Super adorable story!

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

Delightful and fun. I love how your characters are all supporting. Sandra was very great. You're characters weren't just there, but held light in their support of Tasha.

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Just slightly confusing, because I wasn't aware whom was telling the story at times. Sometimes I thought Sandra and other's Tasha. I thought it was Sandra's POV but sometimes it felt like I was in Tasha's thoughts.

But it kept me reading till the end. Great job!

*Leaf* Your Setting

I love the country setting. Especially for children. This was helpful for Tasha. Animals, particularly your Chester, can be just the balm needed to help a child, which was the case in your story. Great job!


*NoteV* Your Plot:

Was to help a child overcome her fears. To feel safe and express herself to someone she trusted to keep her secrets. And you achieved that. Great Job!

*Questionv* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:

None I noticed. I struggle in this area in my writing so I'm not much of a judge here. I live by my grammar book, it stays with me at all times.

*Check* My Suggestions:

I noticed you used the names of your character often. It's okay to use she and her. Sometimes the use of the characters names so often takes away from the flow of the story.

“Please?” Tasha wrote with three lines drawn under the word.

See, we already knew it was Tasha's pleading eyes from the above sentence.

Sandra could not resist Tasha’s the girls pleading eyes. She didn’t have children of her own, but she appreciated the sweetness of an innocent child.

The use of her/she, him/he makes for better flowing when one POV is in each scene. The separate scenes for each POV makes for better understanding of the story. It keeps confusion away. So there for he/him, she/her can be used more often than the characters names, especially when only two characters are in that scene and only one POV is being used.


*Butterflyv**Books3* Please Remember,

This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.



*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill* You're a great Writer!!!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
24
24
Review of Apple on Eden  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi S.A. Merk ,

I've just finished reading *Books1* "Apple on Eden" , and would like to offer the following comments.


*Checkv* My Initial Impression:

Slightly confused, but I read it a few times since you explained from the beginning you were using (allegorical imagery-playing with perception). This tells me all readers will take a different meaning to your story and where it goes and its supposed ending. Not a bad idea.

*Balloonv* Your Characters:

Lucy Fuhram colorful and puzzling, which is not a bad start for her.

The salesmen, you seemed to mix their characters in with that of gang members and or just bad guys. They are in suits (wool) and coming from work. Would they really want to ruin themselves and their careers for attempting to accost a minor? Well, that's if they are good at their jobs and has promising futures.

Adam, who is the main character here, I like the fact that he has good morals and is a deep thinker (as far as his work and what he seeks to achieve with it) but I couldn't grasp a feel for his character as a whole. Maybe you could add more about him and his purpose. What position does he hold and what type of company does he work for? Just a few thoughts.

*Gift* Your Story Dialogue:

Wasn't so bad, with how things went, yet was it really aimed at a resolution? Or just there?

*Leaf* Your Setting

Adam settled into his seat as the silent speed of Europa’s newest anti-grav monorail, Eden, sliced its way through the countryside. A great place to set your scene. Especially since the main character can meet up with people of all sorts. Good Job!

But you did not go into sensory. Example: the chairs, the smells of the car and the ceilings, floors. Were the other occupants reading books or newspapers (here you would hear the sounds of the pages being turned)? Was someone chatting on a cell phone? That would be annoying if one wants to rest as Adam did. Was someone sleeping? A slight snore or loud and obnoxious?

It was kind of empty here. Maybe elaborate more in this area.

*NoteV* Your Plot:

I would guess by the name of your story, It was meant for Lucy Fuhrman (the 16 year old) to be Adam's, and the other men (salesmen) temptation. But by your description of her, she seemed to be trying to play the timid role, but carried herself much older than what she really was. Or maybe she was much older and held the features of a young girl.

I liked your ending. “Here,” she smiled as she reached into her satchel and offered a shiny red apple, “...a thank you.” Adam couldn’t remember the last time he had seen a real, un-replicated piece of fruit. He could already smell the juicy white flesh. Before he knew it, the fruit was in Adam’s hand. It worked well with the title. But again, how did the apple taste? Because Adam was older, did he have dentures that made difficult to bite into it? Just and example.

It's important to make the reader feel as though they are inside your story. Show, Don't tell.

The fact that Adam, the said 'old man' was trying with all his might to disregard the feelings being drawn up by her presence, showed his moral standing, but in accepting her apple and taking a bite, he would then change the course of his and the remainder of the stories outcome, that is to say if there was more to be told.

I didn't really catch a plot here, but if it is playing with perception that is your main focus, then I must say you have done a wonderful job here. I definitely would like to read and review more if you feel inclined to add more. I am very curious to see where you will go with it.

*Questionv* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:

None I noticed. I struggle in this area in my writing so I'm not much of a judge here. I live by my grammar book, it stays with me at all times.


*Check* My Suggestions:

Make sure to show your dialogue and not tell it. express all the sensory's of possible. Leave nothing to be guessed about the surroundings. I noticed that you used Adam's name quite frequently. This is not necessary since we know most was describing him and his actions. It's okay to use 'Him and He, more often. He could already smell the juicy white flesh. Before he knew it, the fruit was in Adam’s hand. See here, we knew it was Adam's hand she was placing the apple in.

Like this:
He could already smell the juicy white flesh. Before he knew it, the fruit was in his hand.
This way, it flow much better.

*Butterflyv**Books3* Please Remember,

This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.



*Flowerv*Thank you for sharing your work. *Bigsmile*

Keep Writing! *Quill*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
25
25
Review of Letter From God  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, this is truly something to ponder on. We, most times can't see the Lord for trying to see things on our own. Trying to make our own way, Trying to do things on our own. Thinking we need only ourselves. If only we can understand that all things done are at the will of God. We complain and no matter that he is right in front of our faces, we still do not acknowlege him.

My review.

Powerful, If only we will see.
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