Really beautiful. I loved this. I loved the imagery of the light on the bridge and the message of the poem of lasting love. I truly love this. It reminds me of how I love my husband. The last quatrain that speaks of love lasting feels just right for my relationship with him!
I also really appreciated the education at the bottom. I'm going to have to write a Quatern now!
How totally fun! I really enjoyed this piece. It was funny and dramatic, and it made me laugh. Sounds like something that would happen to me... I'd be the mom!
This was a good little read. I enjoyed it. However, your dialog is a little forced. It doesn't sound like real people talking... That being said, I can tell you aren't an American, or else you don't "talk" like one! LOL Besides the dialog, I thought the rest of the story needed a little bit more polish. Overall it was good.
Beautifully sad. I know that I felt this way when I was younger. Now that I am older, I have taken control of my life and I am no longer the puppet, but the puppet master. If this is in anyway autobiographical I hope you can find a way to do the same.
I like your use of open form, and you word choice is very apt. This poem has good rhythm too. Thanks for sharing!
Wow! You do dialog very well. I could take a few pointers from you. The only thing I felt was that the dialog cut into the action a bit. We were all standing around talking about Micha's lame remark instead of waiting for Toni to serve the ball. Don't get stuck in the dialog and forget to keep the action moving... Maybe have Toni serve sooner and have the talk about the lame remark come while the game is being played... something like that:)
Evangeline, I would love to read more of your story. You write very well, and it is very compelling. I felt like the piece moved at a good speed and the dialog went well.
The only suggestion I have would be is to watch out for your author intrusions. For example, you wrote:
"I'm dying Evangeline." For he never called me mother, "How do you think I feel?" That would become his mantra for whenever I asked him about that question.
I think it would be written better if you mention previously that he never called you mother. Maybe even in your starting paragraph. You could say something like, "To say he loved me was an altogether different matter, he never even called me mother." This way you don't have to worry about how to punctuate your intrusion in the middle of his mantra.
and then that sentence would read,
"I'm dying Evangaline. How do you think I feel?" That would become his mantra for whenever I asked him that question.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 6:37am on Apr 25, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Besides the dialog, I thought the rest of the story needed a little bit more polish. Overall it was good.