After reading your introduction, I did glean that your novel would ever be about a love story, so It will be interesting to read how it unfolds.
I like your grasp for the proper English; however, I did find some things for your consideration:
collegemate (college mate)
Engineering students (engineering) Why are you capitalizing engineer?
cooking up ravaging storm (insert a or make storm plural)
it got me amused (I became amused)
in every of our lives, (In every one of our lives)
All started from a small nudge. The Butterfly Effect. (comma )
At least for me!). do not capitalize at
I like your poem because it radiates from your heart.
The most simple awareness if oftentimes the most profound, and because you acknowledge your awkwardness I such a heartrending style is so endearing.
Most of us wonder if we are connected or are we just wishing.
I did notice a few things for your consideration.
Burning hot passion, is here or not. (is it burning hot passion or not?)
INT. EXT, your heart always best. (what does this mean?)
My pristine silence, your pristine beauty. (maybe unspoiled silence)
You certainly know how to write a suspenseful scene. I was hooked from the beginning and the anticipation was palpable.
Although the story was brief, it was entertaining and left a lot of room for your readers to interject their own imaginations.
I did notice a couple things for your consideration.
refusing to stop until she had woken up. (until she woke)
You changed tenses
Your testimony is very inspiring, and I'm happy for you.
I, too, love the Lord and have experienced His hand upon me, but I must admit I'm seeking answers lately.
You've penned a good sermon; however, I did notice quite a few things for our consideration.
there would places where I might hone my skills. (You dropped a word in this sentence)
Paul expresses what this relationship means in chapter four (Chapter 4 of which book?)
It is the promise and work of God that makes us right before God there is nothing we can do to earn it. (This sentence is disconnected)
Old Testament characters had things like boats, condition of hair and tablets to signify they were in tune with God (What does this mean?)
and responded by trusting in a hope that would lead him into a entering into hope. (This sentence is disconnected)
There is a calling to see how this is possible in knowing that in life there is trouble and that we can know who God in a real and personal way through these times. (This sentence is disconnected)
In the Greek the word we translate as trouble is the word "thlepsis (Thilpsis means tribulation)
More over we are saved from the wrath (Moreover)
Best wishes,
Lola
For if we are clear in know that we are reconciled by the death (if we are clear in knowing)
how our Lord Jesus Christ minister while on this earth. (ministered)
God's wonderful love rescued out of the pit of despair (rescued me)
Well, that was quite a retreat into the bizarre.
You have a very fecund imagination for the unusual.
I couldn't quite figure out exactly where this person was and why they were taking him/her away. I'm wondering if this was just happening in their mind.
Your good writing kept me entertained and glued to each sentence.
Bravo,
Lola
Oh your story is heartrending.
Poor woman! It reads as though she has the weight of the world on her shoulders with no one to help her. What mother wouldn't steal food if her children needed to eat?
You've displayed your great talent for this reader, and I've no doubt you are on your way to becoming a fast-rising star. The only thing I noticed was the improper use of your em dashes and perhaps the spacing between your sentences.
Kudos,
Lola
I like your poem because it reminds me of noticing certain people right away, causing me to wonder about them.
But, much like your poem flows, they left my life never to be seen again.
You possess a certain flair for nostalgia, which I like very much, and you express your feelings so effortlessly, making it very comfortable for the reader to follow along with your story.
Kudos,
Lola
You do possess that rare spark which ignites a reader's imagination and leaves us wanting more..
I'm s hopeless romantic, therefore, I very much enjoyed your musings, and I completely understand how one can seemingly dissolve into another. I love your descriptions and your sexy nuances.
Kudos,
Lola
You've intrigued this reader with your imagination, and I think you have the beginnings of a very good story; however, you seem to be hung up on "I" telling the story rather than allowing the reader to enter the scenes with you and experience the journey.
Your second paragraph is abruptly interjected, and I had a difficult time following your thought patterns.
Perhaps if you revisit your story and connect your sentences in sequential order, allowing for proper paragraphs, your story will read smoothly and more comfortably.
Just my suggestions.
What I gleaned from your viewpoint is that you don't particularly like Valentine's Day or should I be more specific and say, you don't like what is represents in the way of gifts that are marketed.
Being of the female persuasion, I for one, love chocolates, flowers, perfumes, etc. and would have no qualms about receiving them on that special day.
I do respect our opinion and took immediate notice of your long paragraph, which might prove to be an easer read if you presented your thoughts in more than one.
This I didn't understand
"Walk down a supermarket isle and witness your feelings staring at you from the wall"
You possess a fertile imagination and I'm impressed by your courage to state your views; however, maybe providing a bit more nuance would help.
I'm a political junkie, therefore, I found your op-ed to be interesting.
Political corruption appears to be rampant in today's society, and thanks to Citizens United, government controls are being passed to big corporations, who might not be able to create actual laws, but we will be controlled by them.
Monsanto has yet to compensate those who were affected adversely by their Agent Orange. If anyone does their research, that should be the first indication of what they are all about.
Nice work.
Admittedly, I'm not sure if I've extrapolated the true meaning inside your poem.
From what I was able to glean, it seems you represent the, for lack of a better assessment, the under belly of society, meaning you deem yourself unworthy for whatever reason.
Forgive me if I'm assumed incorrectly, and your interpretation would be greatly appreciated.
You certainly have a gift for the use of the English language.
You obviously possess an innate ability to reason about changes and to understand that change begins with each of us.
I admire your ability to articulate about your innermost feelings in a way that will undoubtedly help your readers to find their way through such agonizing times.
I noticed that you changed from past tense to present tense, and perhaps keeping your poem in the same tense would be a smoother read. Also, perhaps if you provided a couple of stanzas instead of one continuing thought, it would be also provide a more pleasing read.
These are only my suggestions.
Kudos.
Lola
Your opening is very inviting, and I'm impressed with how poetically you described New York City.
You certainly are gifted with a fecund imagination, but I do think you need to slow down and add more ease and comfort into your style of articulation.
For example, your debut of 'her' was rather abrupt because you go from describing the city to 'her.' Perhaps a new paragraph would suit her introduction along with a name.
If she 'hollered' wouldn't he have replied?
Perhaps expound upon what they were celebrating and the phrase, "The food was prodigious" seems a bit plastic; a more appetizing description would read better.
Your sentences are choppy and seemed rushed. Perhaps you can expound a little more giving the scene nuance.
"black box he had unctuously hidden from her" (What are you going for here?)
"And asked impassively, "Claire, I love you." He asked or he expressed?
These are things that stood out for me, and my review includes only opinions for your consideration.
I like you poem which I found to be very amusing.
It is obvious you are a very talented writer; one who can also add rhyme to your musings.
I'm impressed whenever anyone can expound upon an inanimate object, giving credence to its function.
I did notice in your fourth stanza, line 3, that your thoughts seem disconnected for this reader.
Of course, it's only my opinion.
As young children, we do learn from our parents, but that's not to say that our perspectives don't change as we age.
We also learn from our teachers, our peers, and some of us from our idols.
For most of us, the economy drives us because we depend upon our jobs to survive, but that doesn't mean we are not pro-active in trying to help change our state of affairs. As most of us realize, war is not the answer; therefore, we strive to learn better ways to communicate and promote peace.
Because of what happened in 2007, we have a hard road to recover from the housing collapse, but it doesn't mean we give up. We keep trying, and along the way, we try to give a hand up to those less fortunate.
There are really good people in the country who care greatly about the economy and ways to help and rebuild.
I appreciate your opinion, but people are smarter than we give them credit for being.
Admittedly, I don't quite understand your message.
Your metaphor about an old man meeting a naked baby somehow eludes me.
I'm sorry for my confusion, but if you could explain it to me, I'd greatly appreciate it.
I did notice a couple of things for your consideration:
The old man bent over, hands on knees (this in an incomplete sentence.)
Sorry, you are on your own now. It’s 2014, your time to shine. See you next year!â€
For me your poem is a bit abstract as I'm not quite certain if you are the fantasy who came alive for someone who found success.
But, then I wonder how that person would have given their imagination, their fantasy, recognition.
I apologize if I'm reading your poem incorrectly, but I'm not quite sure of what I have to extrapolate from since you note they thought of you as a fantasy.
You are indeed a prolific writer, one who can cause her readers to pause and contemplate the unknown.
Your story is rather poetic and your descriptions are lovey to read, except for the smell of manure. That would have caused me to lose momentum very quickly.
Mathew, your character, seems to be questioning his existence; something we all do at one time or another, and I'm wondering why he has focused so much attention on the ground below him. Perhaps you've used that a metaphor of some kind.
'I have reasoned that the noises of life root our feet to the many soils of the earth,' he thinks. 'How else do we affirm a forward and purposeful existence? What would become of our souls without the ground beneath us?' That's very profound, and I found it to be a bit abstract, not really understanding your meaning.
You are indeed a very gifted writer, and I enjoyed the read, which was easy and very comfortable.
Kudos.
Lola
Wow! I'm very impressed by your ability to articulate your innermost feelings.
Sometimes, all we have is just the illusion, and that, too, can present a rejection depending upon our perspective.
Your poem, for me, was inspirational because you had the fortitude to erase your fears and walk away knowing that you could retouch your feelings before completely rejecting yourself.
Bravo,
Lola
Admittedly, I'm unable to correlate the Harry Potter scenario to yours, unless, of course, you considered yourself a rat.
I never thought of the Prodigal Son as being a rat, but rather someone who chose a different path for himself; one that led to destruction.
Your ending, I think, sums it well, when the Father says, Love should just be.
You are in possession of a very fertile imagination, and I'm impressed with your thought pattern.
Although a bit abstract, you delivered!
Kudos,
Lola
You've penned a good look at how frustrating learning can be, particularly if the course is online.
The characters appear real and the dialogue is believable between the two, which makes for a good read.
Your ability to bring your readers into the scene is a sign that you are indeed a very good writer, and you held my interest as I wanted to know the advice her mother was going to share.
You've given us some food for thought, and the advice was excellent.
I did notice a couple of things for your consideration:
It didn't look good (what is it?)
It happens. Maybe we could fix it." (present tense being used -- can)
You, needless to say, have a very fecund imagination.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your short story, and your gift to write so easily and comfortably made it a pleasure to stay focused.
The ending was a very humorous surprise, and I love it when an artist can pull that off as brilliantly as you did.
I did notice a couple of things for your consideration:
when his Mom’s station wagon pulled into the driveway. (Mom's doesn't have to be capitalized)
The Mother didn’t look up, but kept glaring at her son (his mother didn't look up)
I like your quirky and very humorous poem.
You possess a very fertile imagination and a gift for rhyme, which made for a delicious read.
I think we've all experienced 'that date' where nothing aligned and we were left to wonder what went wrong, but in this case, I think we all know.
You definitely have a flair for comedy, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Kudos,
Lola
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your viewpoint, and that of Janet Murray, regarding meditation.
It has been a while since I practiced meditation, and believe me, it works, particularly when you find the right method.
I did notice a few things for your consideration:
We long merge with the narrative to obliterate (this is a bit confusing)
to be enveloped in the mediated environment-the ‘story world’ (em dashes are longer)
Last paragraph needs a space before "With our technological
Bravo,
Lola
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lola999
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.43 seconds at 2:10pm on Apr 19, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
