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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lolly77
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9 Public Reviews Given
44 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower1*First Impressions: This is a very powerful piece and I admire how you've come at the subject of abortion from the man's P.O.V., something that's rarely acknowledged or talked about.

*Flower2*Narration and Dialogue: The story flows well, conveying the man's anger and the woman's aloofness in a very convincing manner.

*Flower3*Errors or Suggestions: I would recommend changing dialog to dialogue, regardless of what Spell-Check says. Also, there is one sentence at the very beginning which is slightly confusing: There it was, my first time. What does he mean by first time? Also, in this sentence: Maybe we should think about…” if he is being interrupted by her, the sentence should end with a dash and not an ellipsis.

*Flower4*Closing Remarks: This is a strong, well-written tale, even if it is rather depressing. Then again, with its subject matter, one wouldn't expect a happy story. Well done!

Keep on scribbling, fellow wordsmith!
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2
2
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is an intriguing premise for a story; it especially interests me as I have a fascination with Ancient Egypt. I applaud you for your use of the Egyptian spelling of Isis as Aset--which, technically, should be Auset. However, to keep up the continuity, Horus should more properly be Heru, and Thoth should be Tehuti.

I have a few editorial suggestions (which, keep in mind, are personal opinions only):
*Gharib waved his hand and interrupted... The sentence would read better as Gharib waved his hand, interrupting his servant. "Silence man!..."
*...cupped his hands beneath the stream, lifting it, splashing his face and... Remove lifting it as it's really not needed.
*His strangely birdlike facial features, framed by long, noticeably pierced ears, were accented under a bald, shaven head by a nose that turned downward, vaguely resembling a beak and the most incredibly penetrating eyes, whose dark, widened pupils were accented by tiny surrounding flecks of gold, intermingled with the light brown of the Iris. While this sentence gives us a very vivid picture of the man, it's run on and rather unwieldy. You could try something similar to: Strangely birdlike facial features, framed by long, noticeably pierced ears, perched under his shaven head; his nose, sharp and downturned, resembled a beak. But it was the man's eyes that immediately caught Thomas's attention: their penetrating gaze and over-large pupils set in pools of tawny brown and flecked with gold seemed more suited to a raptor than a mere man.
*kind’a You don't need the apostrophe, just write kinda.

The thing that threw me off the most and made this story difficult to read is the formatting. The flow is sporadic and it's hard to follow the sentences and paragraphs. I would strongly recommend cleaning this up.

Other than that, you've got a promising beginning here! Scribble on, fellow wordsmith!
3
3
Review of Meaning  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an intriguing take on the creation myth. However, and this is merely my personal opinion, it feels too abrupt; the plot seems a bit underdeveloped. You spend quite some time describing the girl's experiences and her newborn joy with the world, but when the end comes, it's almost terse. And you twice use the word dichotomy, yet, what are you trying to describe with its use? The division between life and death? Pain and happiness? God and mortal? I think that's a point that needs to be clarified.

I noticed a few spelling errors: straitens should be straightens; specs should be specks; havn't should be haven't.

There were also a couple of sentences with some structuring problems.
*Trees with large, dark branches sprawl powerfully overhead. Nothing can sprawl powerfully, they're contradictory actions. Besides, the use of a word such as sprawl implies something low to the ground, which tree branches obviously aren't. Try something along the lines of ...dark branches loomed overhead.; you've already given the branches an almost ominous feel, so a word such as loom would carry that impression on, if that's indeed the impression you were going for.
*...and she occassionally hops along a smooth rock. Exactly what action are you trying to describe here? Does she hop over a smooth rock, does she hop across a smooth rock, does she play hop-scotch with a smooth rock? This needs to be clarified.
*...her knees are bruised by the hard surface she is upon. End the sentence after surface; those last three words are superfluous.

Also, you don't really need such a long pause at the end of the story. Just by having that sentence She jumps. stand alone creates an adequate pause.

You've got a lovely, almost fairy-tale-esque story of creation here. Keep on scribbling, fellow wordsmith!
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