A mother has much to do to raise her daughter. You have showed some to the things here. The girl look so innocently at people.
In the story, I thing there are places where you can spell out 'okay'
Here: “Lily!” I hissed, trying not to alert the man to our conversation, “get back here!”
I think you could possibly use
>>"Lily! Get back here!" I hissed gently not trying to alert the man.
This is a noble poem about a sailor.
During his funeral, a seagull is flying overhead, as he the seaman is laid to rest.
A man who crafted words as he was told to do, and was loved by his family.
Now, the sailor and the seagull soar into the blue.
As I read this story of Lilliane and her family on a journey, I felt all along that something was wrong. The father promised them more, but there were signs that he had last a great dealt.
Then it hit me, as she came alive and saw the sign upon the door. My heart sunk for her, her family, and so many more.
This poem through your words says so much about true friendship.
From childhood to adulthood, we face the trials of life - the good and the bad.
I like what you say about 'wondering patience."
Your words express the hard times, but the end of the poem expresses the true meaning of friendship.
It was delightfully written to bring back the times on a winter road. I like the paragraph describing the snow packed along the highway with a five foot snow blocked the top of the roadway.
The mental image you gave of the roadway in the next of last paragraph was daring too.
A good story, personal for your family and enjoybalge to read.
This is a good story of a young girl who is trying to understand what her mom meant by her dad being gone with the dogs. It is a well-written story of between two youths until they finally come to a mother.
I read the story and was taken in by the relationships of the young couple.
The only thing I noticed was one place in the next to last paragraph where a opening " is needed.
Your wonderful poem tells of finding love - the various places a person can look - in three short statnces. It speaks of people and hunting dogs - and even their home. All good thougts of love. But in the last two lines, you have the 'saddest thing' - it is a poem that gives the reader much thought.
You have chosen prompt number 10 - 'no one seemed to mind' using it for your title.
Oldwarrior, you have also used the prompt line in each stanza throughout the poem. It is poem written in couplets that gives the warriors thoughts and again reveals the thoughts of others as he tried to find a lasting friend.
The last stanza is very good, telling where the friend was finally found. Many men have this testimony, including myself. It could be a sad poem, and in many ways carry a sorrow, but it has a good ending - really just an ending for the poem - as life carries on.
The only suggestion I have is for the punctuation.
In some of the lines, the comma that ends the first line in the couplet could probably be replaced with a semicolon.
When I looked for help and praise, no one seemed to mind,
for in the depths of spiritual rage, no comfort could I find.
>>My favorite lines. (this may be a place to change the comma to a peroid.)
The first round of 'Fields of Poetry' ends on November 5th. After that date, I will reread all the poems before making decisions for first, second, and third place. Changes are always acceptable. Best wishes for your poem in the contest and thank you for entering your poem.
Larry
I especially like "For it is then that I first see your eyes.
Glorious is the gleam in your stare."
When I first started writing poetry, I had to learn not use repeated words, unless it was for a specific purpose.
For instance, you phrase "Wake me" used in the first two lines could probably be dropped in the second line.
Also in the line "In the morning I hit all my highs." It seems to be a forced word to rhyme with "eyes." I think with a little more work, you could come up with a better word for rhyming.
This is an intense poem - searching the mind of the speaker - through her own questions. It is of facing the loss of a love, and the self-declaration of just moving along - even those the way is unknown.
I really like the wonderful last line of the poem.
with this new feeling
comes a little fear
< I think with this, you instantly catch the reader.
Then you end this stanza so well
"yet afraid of failling.
Then the second stanza in similie like fashion of a blossoming flower - does it feel pain.
There are places where the ryhmes really add strength to the poem, especially in lines 8 and 9 and in the two closing lines.
I like the metaphor of the blood flow of the stream.
Some nice imagery in your poem.
The only place I struggled was that sounds of nature produced an absolute void. I would have like to seen something here that really produced that sound for the reader.
It is good for us from time to time just to read a poem that is a lot of fun. I really enjoyed this poem, which at first seems to be a child's fear of a terrifying noise, but the final stanza reveals something else.
I think my favorite lines were: I saw the monster's face.
He looked me in the eye.
This is a chilling poem - "where memories creep along forgotten flames"
It is a poem with some revealing words "bliss" "perished" "deadened" "haze"
and "agony."
I really like the line "Tears follow pain, follow rain"
The poem shows your true imagination in what comes just while your driving. I like your use of words and the visual you created for the reader.
I really enjoyed reading this honorable poem of an honorable people.
It is written of a people who respect life and treat it with dignity.
It is written of a people who share their beliefs and have good thoughts for the liberty of all mankind.
It is written from who understands and who loves the people he represents.
Nicely written, each stanza
Hello Jaye P. Marshall
This was really an interesting story.
I liked following the kids in their slipping into the room.
It is a story of mystery for the kids.
The Grandmother keeping things ready for her son had left an impression on the kids who visited the house.
Some good dialogue.
Skeleton key was a good touch.
Hello Web-Witch
This is a lively poem of an intimate relationship and the woman's desire for the man. You selected some really great words - active verbs especially - that brought the poem to life to the reader.
I like the sensual blushing, but then the poem ending with "shamelessly" - good contrast for the poem.
There are just a few places where the spacing is off a bit. The first line in the poem, after the first comma, there needs to be a space. In the last line of the second stanza, there is a double space between 'tummy flutters." There may be a few places where semicolons could be replaced with commas.
As I was reading this poem, I could sense a building of intensity and the first word that came to mind was a crescendo effect. I was pleased to see the word used in the poem. The poem is tender and sensual - I like the metaphors of music used within the poem. The ending of the poem leaves the reader in a good place.
This is a really good poem of reminicsing.
I like the simile in the first stanza.
There are small things that really bring this poem to life
Grandpa sipping the Cowboy coffee and rolling his own cigarettes.
Grandma preparing to can the rhubarb.
Another fine simile in the closing stanza.
An enjoyable poem.
The only thing I will comment on is in stanza 3.
>>should 'kittle' be 'kettle'?
In every outthrust headland, in every curving beach, in every grain of sand there is the story of the earth.”
~ Rachel Carson
You never know how many friends you have...
until you rent a house on the beach.
Well, folks, summer is over, and the kids are headed back to school, leaving plenty of time to pursue our passion for writing. Right?
Now that we're cooped up back at home, office or classroom, it also seems like a good time to reminisce on all those great times we had at the beach. For this assignment, write about some beach experience (real or imagined) in 1000 words of prose or less or no more than 40 lines of poetry.
Stumped, with no access to a beach, not even on a lake or river? My heart goes out to you. Never fear. Just use your imagination to transport yourself into one of the scenes shown in the following link and go from there.
Don't forget to include the word/line count, beginning, setting, plot and ending with your post.
The judges review:
I enjoyed reading this poem Dave.
It is a poem with a creative imagination and a touch of seduction.
At first, a casual meeting that turns into a night of dancing.
The speaker of the poem seems tenative and maybe a little embarrassed, but the dancer soon talks him into participating.
The poem has nice imagery and a lot of movement, as you carry the reader through the day.
I think you do well at bringing the reader into the activity of the day. There appear to be eyes of scrutiny within the crowd, but the dancers pay little attention to others.
You have done well with the requirements for this poem.
Nicely written.
I have no suggestions.
Guest judge:
Larry
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lrpowers
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.76 seconds at 9:40pm on Apr 19, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
