This story is mildly confusing: whose corpse is in the bathtub? Vanessa? How long has she been there? There are indications that it's only been there overnight, yet it is 'decomposing,' which implies that it's been there awhile. Perhaps 'decomposing is not the right choice of words here.
'This missing person was tied to two fifty pound dumbbells and dropped in the middle of the lake. He wouldn't be discovered until at least mid-Spring. Travis never even had a chance to regain consciousness to see what his new friend really was: a monster. Adam pondered on the drive home if Travis had woken up to his lungs filling up with the lake's cold murky water. He would never know what these people thought before dying or what the fear did to them.'
I think this para does not have a consistent point of view. Whose eyes are we looking through? Does Adam think he's a monster?
Though I'm not generally a fan of stories about people who kill for no reason, this one has a lot going for it. the male characters are well drawn, but the females are a bit too similar. I also question the wisdom of making the killer the central character, but that, of course, is entirely your choice.
Doubtless you had something in mind when you made the funeral day in Chapter Five bright and sunny. Perhaps you could share that with me. Also the reference to coal smoke makes everything feel sort of nineteenth-century. Henry Blackstone is very well drawn. The maid, or whatever Lizzy is, is not very believable because her scene with Blackstone gives the impression she approves of him, then we find out she wants to kill him. (He's sort of likable for a villain, too.) This would be okay if we were supposed to be deciding whether or not we liked him, but this doesn't feel like that kind of story. Help me to understand your thinking on this.
Charlie White
This is extremely well-written, but I find myself wondering what the point of it is. Anyone who is changed by the events is dead, the Zarrith can continue to subjugate planets.and trees, apparently, can walk. If the idea here is that the earth triumphs, more needs to be made of that. If the idea is that humans don't know any better than to screw things up for themselves, countless books and movies have been written with that in view. ,,,In fact, except for the innocent human who sympathizes with the aliens.. No no. but I find this a bit too self-righteous, a bit too eager to forgo the demands of story (which you'd better no mess with unless you have good reason) —some basic elements are neglected here, like, for instance, character development.
This is a warm, touching story.
I wonder if the author purposely left out the colors in the opening paragraphs. 'The chairs were painted.' 'two chairs on it and a little plastic table.' Then the character gets moving and we are told that the water is blue, the light is purple and orange, and the curtains are red. It might make things a little stronger to include some color when she has her encounter with the boy. The emotion is there, it just needs to be brought out more. A good story, but it could be a little more focused.
This reads nice and smooth, with few or no errors, but it lacks a certain... personality. My feeling is that the characters would be more 'rounded' if they got on each others' case a little more. Then, most books, you read ten pages and you get a little 'click' when you realize what the book is about. Not that it should be in here, necessarily. But we should get a kind of foreshadowing, so we can relax and know a story's coming.
Sorry I can't be more specific, but the problem is 'way down in the guts of the thing.
Chalie White
Hi;
This is feelingful, and frank, and probably if it were longer would reveal even more of 'her' personality, —Wonder why you stopped where you did— But in addition to needing to be longer, you should work on the too long sentences and repeated words. (Don't know how many times you used 'suddenly' in the first para, but it was a lot.) However, like they say, your got a voice,and that's a lot.
George—
My hat is off to you sir!
A great read. A great story, a great character. I have nothing constructive to add.This kind of reminds me of George Higgins, who was a DA in Boston 'til he turned writer. George got to listen to a lot of surveillance tapes.
I liked this.
I'm not a short story writer, but it may have been better had you included some incident that would encapsulate the theme. f'rinstance... Hitler became a vegetarian in 1930 when his niece shot herself. I think the reason for him becoming one should be more...complicated than authoritarian adults pushing him around when he was a child.
That said, it's a very creepy, evocative piece.
congratulations, good job.
Charlie White
Blackstone paused, his piercing eyes bore into Albert's as he allowed the full measure of his message to sink in. When the silence reached an unbearable crescendo, he said...
Okay, this is a tough one to avoid, and God knows I'm as guilty as anyone.—But see, you don't need this. This is that telling rather than showing thing. The dialog is good, and flows right along, but you do have a lot of stage direction. That stuff should happen in the reader's head. Give them something to do.
Again, its way better than most of the stuff you see.
Charlie
Something's going on here, but I don't know what it is.
Keeps reminding me of 'Ballad of a Thin Man' by Dylan. It's good, but something needs to be done. For me, up to the point Stuart is introduced is irrelevant. Maybe you should zero in on his experiences more, get rid of Billy. See, we start thinking Billy is going to be important. But then he's not. He has to breath smoke while the Japanese breath pure oxygen. Yeah, there's still alot of ways you could go...
Charlie
Re: The Prologue: It might help things if the aide had some ammunition of his own, y'know tell the big guy to stuff it. As it stands, I think it's a little too one-sided.
In chapter one I think that your insistent put-down of the music borders on axe-grinding. You sort of pegged the needle emotion-wise, while everything else is about a seven.
The hangover stuff is good, but again, Tommy's confrontation with Horace needs to balanced a little better. Tom caves right away, Not good. He seems to be be central character, so he needs to show some spunk.
All the Best,
Charlie
First, thanks much for your review of Wolf and Geli. Just the type of thing I was looking for.
As to this work(Hounds of Hell)... I think its excellent, and why hasn't it been published? No vampires?
Just a couple of technical notes: I think there's oil involved in the 'last rites.' You might want to look into that.
And you never explain how the book is supported. I kept seeing it floating in air, which I don't believe you were aiming for.
Tainting the air, he detected the faint but unmistakable odors of sulphur and brimstone.
Here it seems as if the priest were tainting the air.
Again, thanks for your words, and I 'had' better go back in and fix things.
Charlie
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