It seemed a bit unbelievable, like those movies aimed at kids where they outsmart the adults, in unrealistic ways. Like in the Movie Mastermind (I don't know if you have every heard of it), or Home Alone. It also reminds me of Chuck a bit, but I have only seen a few episodes.
It sounds like it apart of something more, so if it is mention that somewhere in the description or something.
There are a few big plot holes. Like if this Isaac is this super telekinesis wunderkind that has an assigned special agent(?) I think the guys going to get him should be expecting a kid, especially if they are going into a school. Going into a class room of, how old is he?, (blank) aged kids and expected a 24 is kind of backwards.
I would that the teacher would have learned to expect that Isaac has all the answers, so she wouldn't be surprised that he can get the right answer down to five significant decimal places.
The character seems a bit cocky and doesn't have that many other redeeming qualities. So I didn't really like him.
And the girl at the end seems kind of random, unless that leads into what comes next, but I would have maybe saved her for later on.
Try watching some newer edgier spy movies. The Bourne series, they are good books too. Read or watch movies where the main character does have powers, but identify how that would differentiate them socially. Watch movies about child prodigies or savants. You can pick up little things from many different sources to help build the richness of the story. Don't make the mistake that just making a character have powers and be really smart is enough to make him a good character or a real person. Ask yourself what would he be like if he didn't have any power at all? What kind of person is he? What gets on his nerves? What do people find annoying about him. What is something that he does which makes no sense but he does it anyway. Why does he do it?
Just ask yourself these kinds of questions about your character and the work will get much better.
Good start. At first I thought that the little kids would end up being ghosts themselves, but they just died a horrible death. :/
First off aren't fifth graders around 10? These kids seem to be acting around 6, at least to me. I just get the sense that 10 year olds would be in the stage where they try to maintain an air of maturity among people older than them, and have some sort of false bravado.
Try adding a bit more description, have the kids reveal more about themselves so that the reader feels really bad that they died. Maybe hint to an explanation on why the main character didn't die, but those kids did. Seems kind of random.
Also the part in the beginning about class, seemed a bit extra. Unless you used that as an opportunity to get a better feel for the main character.
I think more detail and description would make this a lot better. Little things make a big difference. Describe the school, the setting, time of year, what other people feel about the mansion, how does it look, where is it in relation to the school in the town. The devil is in the details, and with that it will help to build up tension.
I loved this. It was fully formed and beautifully done. I know that you already set a disclaimer that you don't want any times on how to get this publish, but I think personally that it can be published at is. Very entertaining.
This is really good. Although it follows the same Twilight mold, plain girl minding her business meets heart throb vampire who realizes they are soul mates. But there is a reason that format is so successful, and you write it well. Is this a stand alone piece or will there be more coming? My old critique is that add that has a moment or recognizing her before he total mouth mauls her, haha. Or at least have a mutual instant yearn because having him recognize her was a bit odd after the first make out session. Good ending too. Will be a good lead in for more.
Good bones for the beginning. Try a bit more description in getting into the setting, especially describing the main character. The tone of the narrative, first person thought process, is alright. I would clean it up a bit. I understand that the basic narration is what the character is thinking, but that still isn't the complete picture. Let the reader into what they are seeing, feeling sensing. The vampire realizes that that is the quickest feed she has had, but it isn't even described on how it is to feed. What it felt like finally being replenished. The reader definitely gets the impression that the main character is care free, impulsive, immature, and has questionable morals, so just make sure that this is what you want the reader to come away with.
Lastly, not to be a stick in the mud, but the black guy is a tad bit cliched. I know stating the obvious would be to say that all black guys aren't dangerous drug dealers. Also what kind of setting is it? Urban with a diverse popularity yet so close to deep woods? A large town? With drug dealers carrying around AK-47's? Try researching guns a bit, and find something smaller more believable that a guy could casually carry around.
Like I said you have the big stuff alright, the devil is just in the details. Refine it and it will be much better.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/malvo4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 6:04am on Apr 25, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
