You have a very strong poem here, but it gets lost in cliche in the final stanza. Also, I really don't like the word "okay". Okay? Somehow, Christ's redemption hardly made Adam's sin just okay. It turned utter disaster into an eternity of the Beatific Vision. Otherwise, your words are rich and thought-provoking.
Wow! At first I skipped over this when I saw it- the center-oriented, long prose-like lines are a turn-off to me. That's just not my preference for poetry. That said, I decided to come back & see what you had to say, & I have to say I'm impressed. Your plain images create an amazingly poetic metaphor of life. For that, I'm giving you a 4.0, though by my personal preferences, it is more a 3.0 with lots of potential.
I want you to take this with a grain of salt- there is, after all, no "right" way to write a poem. Style is very personal, and there are excellent poems in many different styles. So I'll give you my personal preference- I like poetry that is NOT like prose. In poems, I look for sparse, strong words that say a lot without spelling out entire sentences. I LOVE metaphor and poetic use of such things as alliteration. Who needs empty words like "the", "with", "a", "of".... that add no meaning to an otherwise strong idea. Phrases can speak as much (more, I think) than fleshed out complete sentences. I would dearly love to see the ideas in this poem turned into that kind of poem.
But that is MY kind of poem. You have a unique voice here, so I'm just offering food for thought.
My mother in law just got another caged canary, so your poem echoed my thoughts! What I like best about this little poem are the short concise lines- kernels of thought/image, without wasted words. You burned a strong image in my mind that connected with my own experience. I find that such phrases, without complete sentences, draw the reader into the poem and lets their mind fill in the gaps. That said, I'd like to see you use more strong verbs like "flutter"- those action words portray more than is or was. Good use of rhyme- though the last line felt forced.
I realy love this! The title caught my attention- as a Salesian, I spend a lot of time seeking holiness in the everyday. The imagery here is strong, with the metaphor of our life of Gracer captured very clearly. Nice hjob! I'll have to read more of your stuff!
This poem is perfect in every way- and an amazing statement of faith for one who hopes against hope for healing. I'm considering sending it to my niece, whose two year old has a deadly inoperable brain tumor, but I don't think she would read this with hope. Unfortunately, she & her family do not have any faith life to hold them up right now. You (and I) are obviously people of faith- but even for the likes of us, we struggle to cope with the fact that while God CAN heal, He doesn't always choose that for us. Spiritual/emotional healing that comes with grief & time, but for the non-believer, reading such may seem like cruel teasing. What do you think?
I'm sorry for your daughter's loss! I'm remembering you in prayer!
What can I say? This is perfect in every way. Your metaphor is amazing, the craft in your words and phrases.... gosh, even you punctuation is perfect. How does one review a perfect poem? My favorite line is "There's science in the water and the feed," So much depth in those few words!
I like the conversational tone of this piece, and the funny word mix-up at the end. I had trouble with the flow, though. I know there are different schools of thought about this, but some poems need punctuation to moderate the flow of thoughts. This is one that needed it, I think. Just my view, of course~!
Beautiful encapsulation of my favorite season! You have nice images- I especially like the reference to the cicadas. The end of their song is a definite mark of fall! My favorite part is the last two stanzas, where you go beyond description into metaphor. Tying the season into your personal experience brings this to life. "...I stand connected to the earth." I love it!
If I could make any suggestions, it would be to simplify your sentences. (This is just my taste with poetry, not an "error"!) Poetry doesn't have to have complete sentences- sometimes a phrase carries more impact than a sentence, especially when the unnecessary words are eliminated. For instance, "It is in this moment of finality..." could be distilled into "In this moment...". "It is" adds nothing to the meaning, and actually hurt the flow of the line. Just a thought!
I really like that you broke your thoughts into short lines- it directs the flow1885537 for your reader. I especially like the lines "I crawl across a field of glass.Without the heat, Of words unspoken"- very strong metaphor! I have to admit that the ending took me by surprise- such a hopeful tone when just a few lines before you said "There is no escaping a sorrowful past". The transition was a bit abrupt. (I'm no one to talk! I have a poem "Between the Manna & the Meat" that does the same thing!) Maybe put that part in a separate stanza? Also, the last line is awkward- "fields that plague" reads more like it was an attempt to force a line into rhyme (but there is no rhyme!). Poetic lines can have a natural tone- you don't have to make the grammar complicated to make it sound poetic. Find another way to end with your field metaphor- simple is better!
You say you aren't a poet, but this piece is full of natural, raw poetry! I think you should keep writing poetry- it is an especially good way to express really deep-felt emotions and yearnings, without needing the fetters of prose conventions. (I LOVE
"..birds gather flock and fly away"! Such delightful alliteration!) You capture all the senses, plus some wonderful inner contemplation. I love it! Despite some areas that need improvement, I've given you a 4.0 because of the potential in this piece.
Here's what I'd like to see you play around with:
One- fix the spelling errors. I know spelling is a bear for some, but for me it grates and stops the flow of an otherwise fine line. Perhaps get someone to help edit for you? Spell check is OK, but won't catch errors like using of for off ("I take of my socks")
Then I would like to see you strip unnecessary words from the full sentences you use here. One of the things I love about poetry, especially when I'm trying to capture intensely personal feelings or experiences, is that it doesn't require full sentences. Free verse poetry like the form you use here is an ideal medium for this. Poetry doesn't HAVE to say every word- just the core necessary to catch the meaning. For instance, in this poem you start a lot of lines with "I [fill in the verb]...": I hear, I love, I know, I watch... I think the poem would be better if you drop those phrases and let the images speak for themselves- you are using nice, strong words that already paint a picture on your reader's senses. It is obvious that the poet hears, sees, knows... Don't state the obvious.
Lastly (and this has been debated ad nauseum by poets, so this is my personal view!) MY preference is that you use some punctuation: periods at the end of a thought, & commas or semi-colons to organize long thoughts into manageable pieces. Do you HAVE to use punctuation? Absolutely not. Can punctuation help control the flow and meaning for your reader? Absolutely.
So.... that's my take on this. I hope I find more poetry in your port! Keep writing!
I like the strong images here, and short, pithy lines- the line that hit me most was "A hearthless home". Wow! What an amazing .... metaphor or description? It feels like metaphor to me- carrying way more meaning than those few words. I grew up in a hearthless home, so I could relate to the emotion carried in this poem. The final stanza captures the contradiction of dysfunctional family/love. Very very fine!
Fantastic poem! Very vivid, very ...well, present.... very disturbing, and very real. The repetition of God's heavy hand" really ties this poem together, despite the references that seem to be personal to you & so make no sense to a reader that doesn't know the background story. I LOVE your short, concise lines- every word is rich & necessary, no wasted words.
I'm not sure I like the "Where's my..." stanza, though. "Where's" is grammatically wrong for the plural "friends", for one thing. ('s= is, which is used with a singular object). The contractions were jarring to this reader, but added nothing. You could get away with leaving out the 's in each of those line and still get your meaning across.
I will be sure to read more of your stuff when I get a chance!
Animals are so often smarter than we when it comes to sensing weather! I'm gonna watch our cats & see if they predict storms, too (I'm too oblivious to notice such patterns of behavior!).
Nice job! I think this poem flows better than some of your others- the rhyme seems more natural rather than forced. Your short lines here are clear and carry the story at just the right pace! Your use of simile ("like she heard a bomb") and personification ("skates across the floor") added some poetic spice, too. I'd like to see you play with imagery when next you write a poem- go beyond mere statement, into description that draws on the reader's senses. What does it feel like? What does it remind you of? Make new connections that will draw your reader into the poem emotionally.
I'll read more of your stuff when I get some time in this crazy life of mine!
What a wonderful update! You are truly blessed by this wonderful child, and he by you! You have persisted in the struggle, and now look at the result! You go, Girl!
I can't leave without commenting on the writing craft of this piece. The flow is great, with just enough information without cluttering it up, emotion without overpowering us... and (this is the lesson I need most) a sensitivity to your son's privacy. We moms who struggle with special needs kids often, in an attempt to explain to others our trials, tell too much. Especially in adolescence, the kids get testy about their "dirty laundry" being aired for all to see. You expressed your own reaction, while building up your son.
Amazing amazing metaphors- like Trust not in they who draw the life tattoos
upon thy soul and wonderful, rich images like green eyes in an earth of brown. You first hooked me with the almost-alliterated vowels in Look not to antiquated ideals
nor to antebellum expectations. You have such a real gift with words- you give them body and voice; your lines are visceral, substantive.
That said, I found your use of "thee"... well...distracting. While the archaic forms (thee, thou) fit the exalted vocabulary and almost ritualistic phrasing of this poem, I'm not sure you are consistently using the word grammatically all the time- it seemed like thee should have been thou some of the times you used it. I'm not familiar enough with the grammar rules to be sure, but even if it is technically correct, it feels wrong somehow. Personally, I'd use the modern form "you" instead.
Oh, and don't split "pointed"- put the word in its entirety on one line.
Now I've got to find time to go read more of your stuff!
Wrong with this? No way! This is a wonderful poem- full of vibrant sensory images. I suspect if you got any negative ratings in that contest it's because many (most?) people view whimsy as a light, positive thing- the readers attracted to that contest (or judging it?) may have been looking for something less dark. Your whimsy reads more as regret or at least a sadness at joy that is past- and there's nothing wrong with that! In fact, tying "whimsy" with a graveyard image is very very original. I think you made it work!
Always take contest reviews with a grain of salt- many of them are assuming a very specific emotional tone that might not have been stated in the prompt. The reader & writer may be coming from very different viewpoints, and our expectations color our judgement of what we read. Personally, I prefer a unique perspective on those prompts!
One quibble: It's means "it is"- it should be its. And iron rust is red, not gray. I know- I'm anal, aren't I?
This is a well-written description that captures more than worry- a rising sense of panic which you paint in both her inner turmoil and an outer physical tension. I became that poor woman as she felt those feelings overwhelm her. Very nice.
Now I want to see you build a story with this as a part of it. Put your character in a plot as finely as you captured this vignette.
Oh, and fix "...there was two police officers..." in the last paragraph. It should be "were". "Was" is a singular verb, but policemen are plural.
I love love love the line "like stars caught in a timber web"! What an amazing simile! (the plural of stars bothered me a bit until I realized it was her eyes you were describing in that line, not the pony as a whole)
Your love of horses shines in your work- brings me back to my teen years when I kept a gelding at a tumbledown farm, and spent my days dreaming with him in the midst of sweet hay.
BTW, I got to visit Australia back in '08 when I took a group of teens to World Youth Day in Sydney & the Newcastle area. I absolutely fell in love with your country & your people, despite seeing just one corner. I dream of going back some day!
I'm not familiar with the "food for the palate" poetry form, but I sure know great metaphor when I read it! This is beautiful! I love the way you have painted such an unlikely comparison between a bowl of food & horses in a summer pasture. Very fine! I also like how flow allows you to step out of the constraints that rhyme seems to put to your creativity. (not that rhyme is bad- but in some of your rhymed poems, the rhyme takes over, allowing it to force your words.) Here you have perfect control of the strength of your imagery.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mamahobbit
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 4:18pm on Apr 23, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I have a poem "