Thank you for your piece. I like the opening question, it made me want to read and find out what you meant. I like that the first paragraph has so many vivid images and active verbs. I like that you encourage people to see through their boulders.
You might have removed the redundancy in the fifth paragraph (within my parentheses) "but growing straight requires (something else. it requires) that we revisit..."
And the sixth paragraph could begin with "The obstacles we must..." Or perhaps open with a single adverb like "Ironically" or "Unfortunately."
But these are just my thoughts. I may be oversensitive because I am working to pare down instances where I say "There is this thing, and it is called XX, and XX does this." I want to discipline myself to say "XX does this..." and get to the meat of my statements.
I liked your story. One wish, the one wish we all have: to write, to publish, to be read and found worthy of reading. I agree there are quite a few of us here at Writing.com who would trade extra wishes just for that one. So kudos to you for being cute and clever and entirely believable.
What could be better? At one point, “They get more rude each century,” he said without looking up. “I am the genie of the lamp. You rubbed, I came.” I wondered what the genie was looking at. Perhaps there is a better way to express his nonchalance.
Nit - 1st paragraph 2nd sentence "it" should be "they". Same issue in the next to last sentence of the final paragraph.
This piece would benefit from some hard data - like what is the average expected lifetime of a vinyl fence vs. the average expected frequency of maintenance on a wood fence? How does that translate into $ over the course of the fence's lifetime? At the end, you mention that you could buy a grill with the money you would have spent painting the wood fence, maybe there is a way to offer a specific example of the money saved.
Overall, this piece touches on many of the features and claims I would expect to hear about vinyl fences.
You have written an inspiring piece, nearly publication perfect in my opinion.
One grammar nit - "Though frequent bouts of neuralgia kept her exhausted and in bed for weeks at a time; Amy remained committed to the task." Should have a comma, not a semicolon.
I was left with a few questions you might want to consider. What was Amy's age at the time of these reflections, or at her death? How long was her confinement? And what was the lasting effect, if any, of her efforts on behalf of the sex slaves? Yes, you mention more than one thousand saved from prostitution, and the writings she left behind. I was just curious if her foundation survived, she inspired others to missionary work, or she changed the local perception of prostitution in a permanent way.
I read Chapter 1. The sights, the sounds, the thoughts and fears of war surround the reader from the start and the action never lets up. You have enough material here for several chapters. This draft is very rough, but you push through and keep writing the story. I wish I had your courage when wrestling my inner editor.
I suggest that you might work a little more exposition into the opening paragraphs. The reader meets Jarred and feels his struggle with the Nazis, but wonders why she should care. Just a line or two to tell the reader who Jarred is and why he is being chased by soldiers would generate more sympathy.
Your story takes me back to my teens when I constantly worried what others were thinking and could never be sure I was wearing or saying the right thing.
So far, I pick up threads of two mysteries: "they" and "it" who haunt Claire's dreams and memories, and Sarah who appears to have died in a fire about which Claire feels guilty. I expect you intend to weave these two threads together.
My only criticism at this point is with the text messaging exchange between Heather and Melissa in Chapter 2. The reader should only see what Claire sees. At that point Claire still believes they like her tunic, so she does not know what the exchange said.
You packed a lot of characterization into this online conversation. I feel I know a great deal about each of them and their relationship, not just now, but in the past as well. I find myself wondering if Fred will ever win Mel's romantic notice. Or will he one day wise up and decide not to remain at her beck and call?
I enjoyed this far more than I thought I would at first. Amazing that such a short exchange can say so much about who were are and where we stand in relation to others.
As to what could be improved - that's difficult to say. The syntax lends authenticity to the IM format. The things they write even point out the pauses we wouldn't otherwise see in the exchange.
This is a fun piece. I think you have a knack for characterization. In this short piece, we meet a keeper with more concern for others than he had for himself (he thought about the monkey's physical safety and not about his job security), a self-centered movie star (she named the monkey after herself), and an old yellow elf who tends to repeat himself. I like that you can show the characterizations without just telling us about them. Nice work.
The story did leave this reader with several questions as to who held the elves captive, why Kristina and Kris were chosen to free them, and why the yellow elf believed he was human.
This is a macabre story. You have an extensive vocabulary and an eye for horror. I particularly like that you showed that a horrid sight is even worse when one has an emotional attachment to the victim.
I think that rather than repetitive statements like 4 days ago on February 6th...3 days ago on February 7th , you could simply date the letter and allow the reader to calculate from the clues in the story. Also, it might be significant to know the date when the note was found.
I didn't understand the caution take heed of our warning before next you think to break the laws of reality when it's the note writer who broke the laws of reality, not the bottle finder.
Finally, the story seems incomplete without an explanation of the scientists' "sin" and why it provoked this entity. What will they need to do appease the entity? Is the lesson simply that manipulating your world with science exposes you to manipulation?
I think this story raises interesting questions about how we would feel if the tables were turned on us and scientists became the subjects. I hope you consider the entity's motivation and see what that could add to the story.
Intriguing. What drew the watcher to the lake? Whom does he fear? What is his connection, if any to the drowning couple? Up to this point, you've created a vivid beginning that this reader would continue reading for answers.
The reader doesn't know what preceded their swim, so it seemed odd that two healthy young people would drown in just minutes. Of course, this may have been the final step in a struggle that had weakened them, or they may not have known how to swim.
I'm also curious when the watcher curses God. Does he blame Him for something? That could be the way the story is going, but if not it's a little confusing to go from thanking God for His mercy to cursing Him for one's own survival.
Small grammar nits: I think the fifth paragraph should end with a question mark. And when he's vomiting I think "instantly" better than "instantaneously", and no adverb would work best (you follow with "before he had a chance to move"), but that's my opinion.
Overall, I think this an opening that would pique a reader's interest in continuing to read this novel.
This is an interesting premise. I could feel the frustration of having finally resolved to speak, and then suddenly knowing it was too late. Forever hold your peace and all.
The story shifts from present to past tense and back. You might take a look at that. And when she says that this is the happiest day of her life...that doesn't exactly ring true. Maybe there's a way to better clarify what she meant.
Overall, I liked the story. You maintained the suspense of their relationship right to the end. I felt the "Yes, I know exactly how it feels" particularly poignant.
You seem to know a great deal about Edo Japan and you demonstrate a great love for its culture.
I think the early chapters could benefit from added conflict. Some scenes that actually show the arguments between father and son, for example. Some tension between the two worlds when he's living his double life.
I was a little unclear about Ryu Keiji's occupation. First he trained under his Chinese mentor to be an acupuncturist, then he started working in his father's shop. Then he's a bath house proprieter. When asked, he says he's an acupuncturist, is that consistent with operating a bathhouse? (I honestly don't know)
I trust there is a lot more to your story, and look forward to reading it.
This was a lot of fun. You have an eye for the details that put the reader on the scene.
I question the opening that immediately segues to a flashback. I think maybe you could start with the husband turning on her, then a one sentence recollection of the strangeness of his wanting to join her on this walk, and that would put the reader into the action from the start.
Also, I felt Killianne was accepting of the treachery more than what we know of the relationship would suggest. Of course, it could be that later on we'll learn that she's expected this for some time. But the paragraph about "loving stepfather" indicates that his betrayal was a complete shock. I would think that in her musings on her fate there would some disbelief, some denial, some sort of excuse she would make to herself about why he would do this. Or conversely , some explanation of her acceptance.
I'm interested in reading more when you write it.
Maragold
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