First, I like the spirit of immediacy in your style, at least, for this story. However, I feel I had to catch a breath after each paragraph. . .all the fragmented sentences. It's almost like someone trying to get to his destination in a hurry and time is running out.
I like the premise of the story. Two people caught in an intense cyber romance then lose their connection, reuniting after ten years. In the end, we find out they've never even met in person. Nice twist.
Something didn't work for me. First of all, I do not have a picture of the two, for all I know they're both women. Hah. Ru? It sounds like a female name to me. I thought it was in a woman's point of view. It sounded like a woman's voice to me, especially since the emotional description of the love affair and the breakup were a bit too dramatic.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
This is a very nice letter to our servicemen who are away from home, fighting for the freedom of those who've been oppressed for so long under tyranical rulers. It is also a fight to keep the terrorist invaders away from our own land. In my opinion, we've been successful in getting rid of the most dangerous weapons of mass destruction, e.g.: Osama binLaden, Saddam Hussein & Sons, and others.
I've been a member of the wounded warriors organization, and the USO for years. My most significant contribution was volunteering at Ramstein AFB Hospital in Germany for our wounded soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. It was a heartbreaking experience.
I pray for the safety of your son. And please thank him for me for his sacrifices in serving our country.
(Belated) Happy Thanksgiving.
Maria Panlilio
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
. . . . . . . . Ralph Waldo Emerson
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
A RISING STARS MEMBER-TO-MEMBER REVIEW
This is a loving and emotional tribute to love.
As in most relationships, love eventually is overshadowed by troubles, and fights ensue; inevitably, the couple drift apart. Sadly sometimes, one departs, and a funereal tune inhabits the heart of the living as he is left with nothing but the memories of the loved one, missing not only the highs, but also the lows of what was once the nature of their togetherness.
This is a beautiful and touching poem of lament for the love that has journeyed away from life.
You are a an extremely good writer. I glossed over your portfolio and briefly read a few of the items therein. I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to read, enjoy, admire and review your work.
I look forward to reading more from your portfolio. I think we share the same interest in physics and Einstein's Theory of Relativity (mass–energy equivalence: E = mc2).
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
A RISING STARS MEMBER-TO-MEMBER REVIEW
This is a loving and emotional tribute to love.
As in most relationships, love eventually is overshadowed by troubles, and fights ensue; inevitably, the couple drift apart. Sadly sometimes, one departs, and a funereal tune inhabits the heart of the living as he is left with nothing but the memories of the loved one, missing not only the highs, but also the lows of what was once the nature of their togetherness.
This is a beautiful and touching poem of lament for the love that has journeyed away from life.
You are a an extremely good writer. I glossed over your portfolio and briefly read a few of the items therein. I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to read, enjoy, admire and review your work.
I look forward to reading more from your portfolio. I think we share the same interest in physics and Einstein's Theory of Relativity (mass–energy equivalence: E = mc2).
It is I -- the one who performs a disappearing act every now and then, and as always, I blame it on my day job (and a hundred other reasons). But here I am again, to give thanks to you for being one of my first friends when I joined this wonderful writing site. It's great to know that I may come, and I may go . . . but one thing's sure: you're a positive welcome sight every time I sign on. Kudos to you. Keep up the great work.
I will try my best to do my share as a member of this Angel Army.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
. . . . . . . . Ralph Waldo Emerson
It's always a pleasure to participate in your community activities.
I will be placing my bids asap.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
. . . . . . . . Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only thing that would make this complete for me (and this is not a suggestion) is a little mention about the first peoples of America--the Native Americans who came from the same region of my ancestry: Asia (Mitochandrial DNA of certain tribes of Native Americans was traced to Asian peoples). So far, scientists believe that the Native Americans came to the American continents across an ancient land bridge between present-day Alaska and present-day Siberia, and may have navigated from what is now Polynesia across the Pacific.
Your Polynesian friend: Maria Panlilio (writeartista)
Just a short note to let you know how much I've enjoyed reading this poem. I love the story and the way you wrote it. . .so lyrical. The rhythm and rhyme, the musical echo with a distinct beat. . . love it all.
Just a few questions, as follows:
"Their catches always seemed to fill the hold. and Captain Seth's ship--" (a comma, instead of a period, after 'hold'?)
"overmuch" (Is this a word?)
ends of time. (Should it be 'end'?)
"Ah Captain Seth," (Should there be a comma after 'Ah'?)
Thank you for the pleasurable read. It should do well in the contest.
WELCOME TO WDC. I'm glad you joined. I am sure you'll enjoy the community. Be sure to read the welcome letter from the Storymaster for some ideas in navigating the site. Review the list of community groups/forums and select a group that might interest you. One of my favorite groups that I'd recommend is the Simply Positive Group for encouragement and inspiration. Click here:
You have posted your first item, now put it out there and plug it for free and (hopefully) you get some R&Rs--not the R&R you're familiar with in the Military, but Read and Review . Click on the following and follow the instructions: "The Shameless "Plug" Page"
If you have any further questions aside from previously posed and answered through email, please do not hesitate to ask me.
Congratulations on your first posting. I will read it asap and give you my R&R.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
General comments
This is an entertaining piece. I bet you had a great time writing it. Nothing beats fantasies, especially when it involves changing the government's cosmetics and how things are run. There's definitely a need for more creativity and color at the White House. Get rid of all the drab colors; let everybody wear Hawaiian shirts and mumus. I think you can solve all of the world's problems if we loosen up and "hang ten".
Technical comments:
Your manuscript format is clean, and the flow is nice and easy to follow. I didn't see any problem with grammar, spelling, or punctuations.
Corrections/Suggestions/comments:
No more.
Final remark:
Okay, I'd vote for you if you let me be one of the hula dancers at your luaus.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
Hi Maryann,
As a newbie mentor, I find this extensive collection very helpful in assisting my newbies how to navigate WDC; how to use the bitem format; how to earn GPs through reviewing; how to google articles for research; and so on, and so forth. You just made my job a lot easier. I just give the ID# to the newbie and s/he can just click away and learn. Of course, my job does not stop there, but it's a great start. Thank you.
This list, however, is not valuable for newbies alone. We can all learn a lot from each folder, as I have, time and time again.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
General comments
A wonderful collection of cNotes. Each design is a delightful piece of greeting card that is sure to shower any recipient with long-lasting joy.
Technical comments:
Are these computer generated, or hand-designed? It doesn't matter the method; they're well done.
Corrections/Suggestions/comments:
I've ordered the "Thank You" card. It's the first cNote I've ever bought, so this question might sound silly to you: Is this mine, and can I send this card as many times as I want?
Final remark:
You have to show me how you create these cards.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
General comments
I do know some people who've never used a computer, or people who are simply intimidated by them and never learn the technology. I've also met a celebrated author who still uses his first typewriter, a Royal antique manual typewriter, and guess what, he uses only his forefingers when typing, and no drafts ever.
Technical comments:
Your manuscript format is clean, and the flow is nice and easy to follow. I didn't see any problem with grammar, spelling, or punctuations.
Corrections/Suggestions/comments:
No errors noted.
My only suggestion is to give the reader an idea when this took place. How old were you then, and if you were already writing at that time.
Final remark:
This is a nice story. I join in thanking your aunt for inspiring you to become computer literate.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
General comments
You write well. I've checked out your portfolio. I was impressed. You seem to be quite dedicated in your writing, and it's paying off. You're also very active in community service within WDC. More power to you, and I wish you continued success.
Technical comments:
Your manuscript format is clean, and the flow is nice and easy to follow. I didn't see any major problem with grammar, spelling, or punctuations.
I think you should give the setting for this story. Where's the village located at (I imagine in one of the Polynesian islands because of the names you've chosen for your major characters).
Corrections/Suggestions/comments: knew that I loved him since the time we were small children
---->I knew that I loved him since we were small children.
He and my mom often took trips to other lands.
---->Since you did not give the setting for the location of their village, this reference to "other lands" does not mean much to me.
“I’m ready, and I’m looking forward to it.” I said as I gazed into his green eyes. Those eyes revealed that while he was happy to have me in his arms, he was also nervous about having me leave. “I’ll be Alright. Really.” I said in an assuring tone.
----->“I’m ready, and I’m looking forward to it,” I said ((note the comma at the end of the sentence before the end quotation mark)) as I gazed into his green eyes. ((green eyes for the island boy?))Those eyes revealed that while he was happy to have me in his arms, he was also nervous about having me leave. “I’ll be Alright. Really,” ((note the comma before the mark and the tag)) I said in an assuring tone.
----->Throughout the manuscript, you end a sentence with a period instead of a comma when the sentence is followed by a close quote mark and a tag. This is easy to change with a global "find and replace" funtion in Word.
It was much plainer looking then the other building,
---->It was much plainer looking than the other building,
Final remark:
This is a nice adventure story. The only thing that is lacking is a certain amount of conflict to make it a complete story.
This is an excellent piece. It's not marked as autobiographical or personal experience, but it sounds very realistic. I learned a lot about addiction from reading this. Well done.
I have just a few very minor comments and suggestions, as follows:
boubon
Change to bourbon
self control
Needs hyphenation between the two words.
over sized and life saver
Change to oversized and lifesaver.
I was heading for Starbucks, or as my husband calls it "four bucks.”
I liked this a lot.
This is indeed emotional and inspirational. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I look forward to reading more of your work someday.
This is well done. I can’t remember if you’re in the medical profession, but you sold me with your fast-paced and gripping ER scene.
Thanks for sharing this entry to a short fiction contest for our review and reading pleasure. Thanks also for the generous auto-reward GPs, so let me earn them by making the following comments and suggestions.
I dont want to be left alone
Change dont to don’t.
"Did you know I've loved you since I was six?"
The boy was six and the girl was one year old. The image is a little weird for me.
"I'm sure. I've waited seventeen years for this moment. She’s been waiting to have sex with him since she was one year old? Again, this sounds a little weird.
The ending is predictable, but it worked for me. Kudos to your writing style.
I look forward to reading more of your work someday.
This is well done. I can’t remember if you’re in the medical profession, but you sold me with your fast-paced and gripping ER scene.
Thanks for sharing this entry to a short fiction contest for our review and reading pleasure. Thanks also for the generous auto-reward GPs, so let me earn them by making the following comments and suggestions.
I dont want to be left alone
Change ‘don’t’ to ‘don’t’ .
"Did you know I've loved you since I was six?"
The boy was six and the girl was one year old. The image is a little weird for me.
"I'm sure. I've waited seventeen years for this moment.
She’s been waiting to have sex with him since she was one year old? Again, this sounds a little weird.
The ending is predictable, but it worked for me. Kudos to your writing style.
I look forward to reading more of your work someday.
What an enticing invitation to come and follow you into a mythical realm of gushing tides, primordial rain forests, into a sprawling dawn aglow with sparkle faeries....
How can anyone resist such an invite Into the dusky mystery of an unspoken dream?
This prelude to a trilogy of love and romance is irresistible, sensual, romantic, not to mention well-written and structured. I love it. Thank you for sharing.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
WDC Rising Star Superstar WD Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
It is my pleasure to give this Rising Star a Member to Member Review
In this story, a woman is living in a dream—a recurrent dream of instant love, romance, and marriage. Unfortunately, the marriage ends due to various pressures in life. In her heart, in her mind, the dreams maintain her connection with her man, and she feels that someday they will be together again.
I have a few suggestions, which you may feel free to consider, or not, i.e.:
Author's: Her mind drifted back over the years.
Writeartista: My suggestion is to emphasize that the whole story is based on what happened 20 years before. Thus, I think this would be more effective if made into a separate paragraph, and maybe, written this way: Her mind drifted back to that time when she first met Jim -- twenty years ago.
When Maria decided to get serious with writing, she enrolled in a writing class. You didn’t say where. I took it that it was an online class because she never got to meet her instructor face to face until the writers’ conference.
Maria got an article published after the writing class, which paid for her expenses at the writers’ conference, with change to spare. I don’t know how realistic it is to get enough money from your first article sale to pay for a conference and more. Perhaps if you mention what publication and the nature of the article, it would sound more plausible.
I feel that several areas need to be refined for clarification.
Your poem “America Stands for Freedom” is well-crafted. A clever
double acrostic honoring America’s Independence Day and its principles of freedom and democracy.
The whole poem, albeit short, rings with so much patriotism that it gave me a very warm feeling.
I am a globetrotter, so this travel folder in your extensive port grabbed my attention.
This is quite an interesting article about the medical care in Costa Rica. $60 for a routine mammogram and ultrasound, is simply incredible. And no paperwork? Amazing.
You talk about your trepidation about moving into a new country, worrying about the health care system there versus what you were used to in the U.S. Well, it sounds like you found medical paradise in Costa Rica – an icing on the cake, since Costa Rica is paradisiacal in itself.
While I was all over Europe for months, and quite ignorant about the socialistic health care system there, I constantly prayed not to get sick. My prayers were answered, whew!
In the U.S., there is a growing trend in the medical area, especially in the dental field, since the economic crisis began. People are making the long trips to Mexico for their extensive dental work. If it requires several days to complete a procedure, staying in a hotel during the whole period is still cheaper than getting the procedures done in the U.S. This is unfortunate, but I can’t blame the patients for wanting to save during these hard times.
A couple of suggestions:
Change "INS" to "NIS" for the National Insurance System’s acronym.
Insert “Immigration and Naturalization Service” to precede the acronym “INS”.
Thanks for sharing this informative article. I look forward to reading more from your port.
Glad to have stumbled upoin this quiz. As one who is obsessively fascinated with volcanoes, this is right up my alley.
I think I did well on the quiz.
You posed 15 questions; three of them about Icelandic volcanoes. You could have changed one of them with the century's (almost) biggest eruption -- Moiunt Pinatubo in the Philippines, whose magnitude of eruption rivals those of Tambora's, Krakatoa's, Vesuvius's, and Mount St. Helens's.
Good quiz.
When you have time, please visit my poirt for the following:
MOUNT PINATUBO (E) Mount Pinatubo's eruption in 1991 drastically changed the lives of the main characters. #1186646 by writeartista
As promised, I am now reviewing your last entry in this series of biographical vignettes about your African life after being transplanted from your ideal life in London to a “less civilized” environment in Nigeria. Again I am impressed with your exceptional writing skill and intelligent narrative. I am curious if you are a published author, what your profession is, and how old you are now since you give no date as to when these stories took place. Perhaps you may create your BioBlog now so we can get to know you.
I enjoyed reading this coming-of-age segment very much as the narrator illustrates his developing character traits – that of his gluttony for food and aversion to domestic work. He also discovers his growing fascination over the beauty and charm of his female cousin that “enslaves him” with a disarming effect on him that lingers in him for hours, filling him with a strange, insatiable desire for something he cannot clearly define. (With all the vivid images you painted of the cousin, you forgot to mention one important information: her skin color. In fact, I still don’t know for sure who’s black, and who’s white, if any.)
One major information that is also missing from all three episodes is name. All the characters remain nameless throughout. At the end of this particular chapter, the boy’s mother refers to him as “Makenwa” but I am still not sure if that’s his real name. Somehow, I can’t see him growing up in London with that name.
Our boy’s attitude about life in Nigeria is gradually changed; he refers to it as mere “resignation”; there’s no epiphany as expected; there’s no life-altering realization of something great. A little disappointing? Well, I think I hoped for too much.
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