Hi Mike,
This was really good. But I'm such a bad boy. How can a guy not finish this? Ha!
The story was so easy to read. I have ADD and a hair trigger to pull out and run if the story lags or the paragraph is five inches thick. I'm also a newbie so keep that in mind.
I never had to re-read a line as the story unfolded and I could visualize these two gourgous "kissing cousins" enteracting. Made my heart speed up. I loved the part where she turned it around on her dad's boss on the porch. I'm not a big vampire movie fan considering how much the narrative has been played to death lately, but this last minute revelation was perfect. Well played.
I can see why this won. I read the1st place winner's story as well and - all I can say is, I'm glad I didn't have to choose between the two.
Hey Ken,
Just a newbie, but I had to let you know I really enjoyed reading this. I thought the story line was very unique which always draws a smile from me. And most important, I never stopped to re-read a line - the story was vivid in my mind and I was right there in the room till the end.
The last line was fantastic. Bam! Take that! - Wi-atch! Ha!.... Nice ride, I mean read.
Mr. Wilcox,
Well...that was one hell of a ride!
A quick note: I have no idea what I'm talking about. I write how it makes me feel and have very little training. Thank you for you fine example.
The first part was very creative in setting the scene and flowed well. Then it picked up pace and I was right beside you, no distractions. The crows eating her was so vivid, my heart sped up. I kept looking for a clue that she took the potion, turned out he took it. Got me - love it!
Favorite line: "Thunder bellowed outside, sounding loud enough to crack the world as the approaching storm began to shake the air. "
I didn't think I would wake up this mourning and read such horror with coffe and english muffins..... Or did I?
Dear friend,
I'm with you but this poll is a little confusing as there are mutiple right answers. 14% voted Other?
25% say they have it coming? This is not Isreal's position or there would be more killed...right?
I don't know that this is the right forum but if I may humbly share this one thing:
I wish to say that I support our true allies including Isreal and see her as the last hope for democracy in the middle east. I'm afraid the world is changing faster than we can control and we will see who her true friends are.
Obama is not. But I believe the majority of the American people are.
Will we bomb Iran when they bomb isreal from their subs this year? My prediction. I seriously doubt it.
Such a nice poem.
It really made me want to meet your dad. Please tell him I said thank you.
The poem structure is hard for me to review as I'm new at this. I am still learning the rules and what is OK such as the rhythm of this poem. Also, I noticed that the first two paragraphs don't rhyme and match in rhythm, but the second two verses do, or come close. So, I can't really say whether that's good or bad because it may be what you had in mind.
The question to me would be, does it matter or detract from the poem? To give an example I changed a few lines below for your review and for the sake of learning more about poems and hopefully..... you. I hope you don't mind.
I love your smile
Your laughing heart
Your passion for your life (you would pick this word! ha!)
The way you look
Into the world
And make light of the strife (man, that is lame!) help me!
You try your best
And often succeed
at everything you do
But more than that
You help others see
what matters is, be true
You pushed them with
A gentle hand
Into the right direction
You inspired them
Along the way
By making a connection
Hi LadyCarl,
I don't know if my opinion counts as this is my first "review".
I was moved by the theme of the poem and can relate to it on a personal level, trying to maintain a relationship with own family. I have been so lucky to have my wife, Lynn in my life for the last 30 years.
But I can remember the last days before I broke up with my first girlfriend.
Your poem touches that emotion of knowing you're falling out of love and you just wish it was back to normal, even if "we are just pretending".
"Paint me a picture, to show me, Memories we still hold inside.
Paint the winding road we've traveled, And the way our hands were entwined" This was my favorite verse.
I remember always holding hands with Lynn. I'm 53 and tonight is date night. Maybe I'll grab her hand again and surprise her. Thank you for that.
On a personal note, I hope it works out for you as you seem like a wonderful girl.
If I were to make a suggestion, it would be this. The poem is so close to a natural rhythm except for 4 words that really aren't needed. What if you took out:
why, line 4
Baby, line 8
And, line 12
Baby, line 16 and change don't to can't. (I have this thing about repeating words)
Try it out and see if it flows better to you.
Plus, "Baby" makes me think it was written by a guy, for some reason.
That was fun. I hope I did some good.
Take care, mark
PS. Now,...... you have to give me a review on my review. Ha! jk
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