Is a good piece of work you have here. True feelings of being sadden and not noticed and brokenness.
You may wish to use this title for your poem. "Forsaken again"
Such a detailed description. Sends a shiver down my heart. Good piece of work or was it good piece of observation? Anyway it is done nicely. Neat work!
Hi Farnaz Delgosha,
Well written. Straight out humble and simple. No twist, metaphor or parables. This is certainly down to earth question that most ladies will have asked once in a lifetime.
Reminds me of myself asking the same. I representing the male side. I honestly agree that I will also ask those questions in my head.
A love once lost is not a life lost though.
What God has installed for us, no one can comprehend
We have seen, loving couples end up divorced 20 years down the road
We are never our own master of life and love life...I think.
look forward for your continuation if you wish to write more to it. It is pretty much expandable if you like.
Hi Rhasperidon,
It is a good effort to write the dark feelings. I can sense that you have a lot within you.
So much so that I can see a few different poems in one piece here.
Allow me to be as honest as I can
I don't come in for corrections in punctuations, spellings and grammar.
I look hard into your writings and I try to get an idea of what you are trying to express.
Expression and feel is there
but;
When I say a few poems mixed into one.
You may be writing about a War
You may be writing about disaster aftermath
or you may be writing about a soccer player
or disaster that comes after virus attack- ashes of dead bodies, concretes that fell into pieces and dusty - turn field to grey. All night in grey,...the last word was plague.
So if your title is about "Field" or "fields". Try to me understand the surrounding. e.g. war, soccer match or after a bomb explosion.
Example if you keep to the "field" on describing a aftermath of a "bomb disaster" it will be quite in line with your present work except without using plague.
l will link "bare foot", field of grey...
As you get up from it, then, there is the Sun that still shines and cast the shadow from the Tree you walk through...
drip in your sense of your past and describe your feelings of lost and desperation...such as this.
Try using the background focus to link back to how you feel
Please pardon me if I am more as honest and direct.
You have potential to write good pieces, and I believe it in you. Already I can sense your "dark" senses.
Hi Riss
I like everything you put together. The apology accepted to the anguish and finally the courage to live apart...
In my opinion; it wasn't that the Hope is not there in the beginning to the end.
It is just a hope that you have been holding on that is of no use
We might be holding on to the hope of a better tomorrow with this man
We might also be hoping that this person will change
And then, when you see the card again that remind you of the Hope. This is a different hope you are to be grasping on.
Hope for a separate lives altogether. Hope that will bring you a refreshing start from the beginning of a new path.
This is how I see it.
I like the part in the last liner "...So love yourself a little more,..."
To me is to mean we should drop this "old self" believe of the earlier redundant hope and the initial love of this man
To look for what we need and carry ourselves forward
Dropping the "old self" committed burden behind.
The amazing power of new hope and new love
Just like the disciples drop their fishing net and follow Him...
HI there,
I would prefer your original version (the one you written below).
On the whole it is nicely written. I can feel what the farmer's beg is about.
You have carefully described his body. You have shown his weary points.
He has tolled his years.
What he is begging now...to ask for few more days. "Just another few more days"
My version to add a little heavy punch on the emotional plea...of the farmer
Just another few more days
the fruits will be plucked
Just another few more days
the wheat will be mowed
Just a while more
You will see that my work could feed a million more...
Before you choose to take me,
let me finish my chores.
I can understand the growing old and dying part just as anyone will. That is clear to all. I would suggest a little use of associative words for "old tides" in first line, because I will know immediately what you are writing about and will not read further.
Unless...the is something about your growing old. A little look into your life that you have lived while waiting for the time. Or the things that you have accomplished but yet and yet...live leads you to the calling for the end...something like that.
Something that will drag in the reader a tingle of emotional touch.
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