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1
1
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (2.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

The authenticity of this story impressed me. It reads like a true story which, of course, it can't be. It has certainly been written with deep knowledge of the subject.

It is a long story, but by following the advice I give below, it will be condensed.

Suggestions

Theoretically, this seems like a good opening, Standing here as I am I’ve never in my life felt as alone as I do now. It fulfils the criterion of starting at a tipping point because it's the most/first of something in the narrator's life. However, it's extremely dull. This sentence, and versions of it, is one of the most common hyperbolic-angst statements in novice writing.

You need something more imaginative, intriguing and less tiresome if you want to ensnare your readers. If you really can't bear to cut it completely, at least put it on a diet, I have never been as alone as I am, standing here. Then describe the physical scene, rather than his internal drama which, at this point of the story, we don't care about. Tell us where he's standing, and develop the story in a logical series of steps (scenes) from there.

You know you have over-indulged on the detail when you find yourself writing things like, in a nut shell. This is a precis of the three or four paragraphs detailing the job of a barge nevigator.

Back in Mexico, building oil rigs, I knew what my role was. I had a job to do. I gave co-ordinates to the tug-boat captain, and once I'd pinpointed the well-head using bottom scanners, I was responsible for positioning the barge over it. Then divers went down, and so began the construction of a new derrick. If you'll excuse the pun, we were a well-oiled team.

Here is the section about the transfer, with action and immediacy added. This moves the story on without a lecture on the intricacies of what a cargo-net is made of. Also, by making the characters act and speak, the reader gets a first glimpse of the narrator.

"You look as excited as a kid at the fairground. You're not just exciting about this ride, I think." Pete, the diver, called through the clanking and engine noise. We were sharing a ride on the crane's cargo basket, swinging twenty feet above the barge on our way to The Miss Sara Elizabeth.

"You bet, Pete. I'm still a newly-wed, it's my wife's birthday and Christmas too. What man wouldn't want to be home for all that?" I shouted. Below, I saw the deck of the ship, which would carry me to shore, approaching. In just twelve hours the Miss Sara Elizabeth would dock at [Whatever Port], and I would be another step closer to my beautiful [name of wife].

The whole story would benefit immeasurably from a rewrite along the lines demonstrated above.

The trick is to make every scene live and breathe, by describing each scene briefly and usually in reference to your characters, and their immediate actions and conversations. Only include the absolutely necessary details to create atmosphere. The priority must be to move the story along. Don't be tempted to toddle off down long backwaters. What you find fascinating about the technicalities of marine navigation will not interest the vast majority of your readership.

Don't tell us the story, show us.

Avoid flash-backs until you have the rest of the story down with active scenes. You will probably decide they're not needed. Writing effective flash-backs within flash-backs is a tricky technique, so skip it if possible. Use conversations to fill in back story, wherever possible, and if absoutlely necessary.

Take greater care over your sentence structure, and avoid unintentional repitition; Going back down below deck, I saw that he was looking frantically under the now waist deep water. After I asked him what it was that he was doing, he responded frantically. He insisted that he had to find his luggage *Right* Below deck I found him searching under the waist-deep water. He swept his arms wildly in a stooped, breast-stroke motion, peering through the murky sea-water with a gleam of hysteria in his eyes.

"My luggage! I can't find my luggage," he shouted.

Don't skimp on characterization. This will not do, Red was freaking out on a major level. That's fine for a marine navigator talking to his friends over a beer, but a writer needs to show what, freaking out on a major scale, looks like. What was he doing? What was he saying? Don't be over-wordy, but use words which show us something.

Choose words carefully to maximize meaning per word. This is a perfectly legitimate word, but is there a better one? After inventorying the water and what limited amount of dehydrated food there was... How about 'checking'? You can cut ...and what limited amount of..., because that's what's being checked.

This is awkward and repetative, The food on board was old and mostly out of date. What little water we had was going to prove to be extremely important.

So, try this, After checking the water and food supplies, I realized survival didn't rely solely on drowning avoidance. We had hardly any fresh water, and most of the dehydrated rations were spoilt.

The story about Abe is unimportant in comparison to the drama faced by the characters in the boat. The lesson it teaches is so rudimentary, it goes without saying, let alone having a whole little fable to itself. I strongly recommend cutting it.

Another important recommendation is to cut the ghostly and sentimental ending. It lets the whole thing down. The amazing struggle is magnificent, and the narrator simply has to survive; otherwise, who tells the story? Do not rely on a ghostly narrator, it turns a good story into a mockery.

I hope I have given you enough examples of how to improve the style, flow, structure and pace of your narrative. The rest is up to you *Wink*.

I hope you work at it, because this is a remarkable story.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
2
2
Review of Finger Food  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Well, you admit it's an off the cuff short story. There are so many problems in the plot and the under-development of the character and situation that I have to accept that this is not an entirely serious attempt at the literary art.

This macarbre tale will win points in the disgust stakes, but it needs greater depth to become a remarkable piece of writing.

I liked the lay-out. It added to the spontaneity of the piece.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
3
3
Review of Smoke  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

The description, with a little modification, will be very good. It is great to spend time developing visual texture.

I also liked the attempts to build tension and create suspense. You entice your readers along like this, There are far more important things than the weather. If you don’t already know this, you soon will.

The dialogue is realistic, and well-observed.

The story finally had a point, as all good stories should. Even the privileged can suffer, and maybe we should all be more vigilant. Could the boys have saved the rich girl; perhaps if they'd paid better attention?

Suggestions

This sentence doesn't work; The sky had fallen for days but now the sun melts the trees and the grass. I think I understand what you were trying to achieve, but it doesn't work as metaphor because it's too close to the fact. Also, the thaw after a time of freezing is a simple concept. It needs no dressing-up. Save graphic, poetic language for more significant or unusual images.

A thousand miles away someone has a gun to his own head. Do you mean a thousand miles away figuritively or literally? If figuratively, it is cliché; and if literally, why one thousand? Why not nine hundred and forty two miles away? Similar problem here, light years away.

Some of your imagery is promising. I liked this but wished it were more succinct: He pulls out a cigarette and lights its end. A billow of colorless soot floats above him and then jumps on the next gust of wind. It fishtails over a brick wall, around a huge tree, its appendages swimming around each other like a pond full of koi. A stray leaf joins in on the ride. The secret is to sketch, rather than make an installation of it. Here's a suggested re-write of this passage; He lights a cigarette and the white smoke fishtails over a brick wall, around a huge maple. The cloud fragments and swirls, like a pond full of koi. A leaf is caught in the air-current. This is intended only as an illustration of the point. I am sure you can write something better.

It's probably best not to experiment with punctuation right now. You need speech-marks around the direct speech.

They joked around like that all the time. this and its accompanying paragraph is unnecessary. Let the dialogue scene speak for itself.

Yeah dude whenever—ALAN! Let’s go! Resist the temptation to capitalize for emphasis. It is unprofessional. Use itallics if you need to but usually the rhythm and exclamation mark is sufficient.

The sentence structure fails here, The blacktop glistens under orange lamps like Sunset Boulevard. The subject of this sentence is the blacktop. So the subordinate clause at the end, 'like sunset boulevard,' refers to the car. You don't mean the car is like Sunset Boulevard, do you? Try this, The blacktop glistens under orange lamps as if it were on Sunset Boulevard.

What does the pronoun 'it' represent in this sentence? There is a light powdered snow sprinkled on top, giving it the illusion of friction. Do you mean the snow is 'it'? This means the snow has an illusion of friction, which doen't make sense. If you mean walking on a 'light powdering of snow' is less slippery that walking on ice, then there is no 'illusion'. It's fact.

Dude your going to slide down with him... *Right* you're.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
4
4
Review of Fool in the Snow  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This story has a good structure. The ends are tied-up carefully, and the chase scene, particularly, was well executed. The plot is a little weird, but at this point you are probably going tell me it's a true story *Laugh*.


Suggestions

The main objections to the plot are, a) why did Ginger have her brother with her and, b) how was he dressed? Surely he'd have to be in police uniform to fool the protagonist.

There is room for editing. Some sentences need work. For example, A gem that he hadn't known he'd longed for until he'd seen it that first time; so recent that it seemed like he was dreaming. This is not a grammatical sentence, there's no verb. *Right* She was a gem he hadn't known he needed untill he saw her and he was still unsure she was real. Their romance felt like a fairy-tale, - or something similar.

The story takes too long to get going. Consider beginning at a more crucial point - perhaps during the chase, for instance.

Words like 'doll', 'Dame' and 'dunce' are old-fashioned, and give the story a peculiar atmosphere. Where is this set? You should either modernize the language, or explain the strange lingo.

You should spend some time thinking about a theme. At the moment, I am not sure what I am supposed to take from this story. Why should I care about the characters? A theme is a point; a message, moral or an illustration of an interesting phenomena, for example.

Technicalities

"Actually, I not supposed to meet her here, - missing am between 'I 'and 'not'.

...as a diamond twinkling in the dark. A diamiond doesn't twinkle in the dark. If there's no light to reflect the diamond can't reflect it. This may seem like nit-picking but actually, metaphors need to work.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
5
5
Review of Sideburns  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget your story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


I enjoyed this short fable. It is indeed nearly always a mistake to judge a book by its cover.

Suggestions

If the nick-name was contemptuous, as suggested here, We called him "Sideburns." Somehow in our childhood contempt that seemed a good moniker..., do you think the newspaper would have printed it? You don't need the speech-marks around the name, by the way.

Technicalities
A couple of points for your attention here, At 10 pm, we gathered at the appointed rendezvous to await Sideburns making his rounds. As rendezvous implies "appointed", you can cut it. It's better to give numbers in words, ...ten pm....

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
6
6
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget your story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


There are some marvellous phrases in this story. I love flashes of genius like this, It survives as a microphone to Mad Dog Joe 's songs, and ...a blessing to be able to sleep on sheets without a toilet next to your head. These are strong images.

Suggestions

The plot is very wide ranging for a short story, which is better suited to short time-spans and themes. The theme is certainly strong. It hits you between the eyes, but the lack of feasibility makes it too simplistic for adult fiction.

I was unable to suspend disbelief for the duration of the tale. Perhaps a toned down version, clearly marked as "Religious Fiction," may succeed as teen fiction.

Technicalities

In spite of nature's encroaching demise, the eyesore remains visible on Route fifty-two.

This sentence doesn't make sense. Here it is translated into simpler vocabulary:

Even though the death of nature patially covers it, the ugly object can still be seen on the road.

Perhaps, this is what you want:

Although undergrowth partially covers it, the eyesore remains visible from Route Fifty-Two.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
7
7
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget your story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


This amazing story is crackling with potential. It really is an incredibly moving and conflicted tale. The tag-line announces it is a true story, for which I am very sorry, however, such a powerful experience must have made such a mark on your young mind. The guilt and confusion of emotions must have been over-whelming at times.

This is such a strong source of emotional development it needs more made of it.

Suggestions

My seven-year-old feet barely skimmed the ground as they sprinted down the half-mile track of asphalt connecting the school bus stop to my driveway.

This is how to start a short story. It has action, and it sets the scene. This child lives in a rural location, he's excited and he's probably not fat *Smile*. What's he excited about?

Unfortunately, the tension is broken too quickly. In the very next sentence you reveal all. It would be better to spin it out - don't over do it, but drawing the reader in is a useful skill. Take some time to develop the characters of the boy and his mother or one other.

The charater of the absent older brother needs to be introduced early in the narrative. Did he have a bedroom at home? Perhaps the child trespasses on his brother's territory in some way...anything, to reveal his existence and give us a taste of his personality.

Build scenes and let the action and dialogue show the story; for example;

However, after Hopalong we kids were obliged to leave. No “Sheriff Tex.” No “Lone Ranger.” Good manners and Mrs. Knight’s ground rules made it that way.

It would be good if you showed us Mrs. Knight. How did she move the kids out? Was she fair but firm, or a thin, sour-faced person? Did she stand by the door, or was it a rattle of pans from the kitchen which made the children leave? Did any of the children ask for special leave to stay a little longer? Details presented in a scene are far more enjoyable than information related by the narrator.

Further exploration of the conflicting emotions would be welcome. Answer questions like:

"How did he react when the TV arrived the next day?"
"Did this event have repercussions later?"
"How did the boy learn to deal with his shame?"

More work to be done, but this could be a very interesting out-standing story.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
8
8
Review of Breeding Hate  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget your story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


I want to nominate these three sentences for the tag-line; I felt fear wash over me. His eyes were so serious. Was it really that bad? and they are only 76 characters, by my counting *Smile*. I felt the fear through those few, honest words. It is exactly how one feels when someone you respect shows concern - simple but excellent sentences.

Your author's note is a sad commentary on the fact, and it is a sad fact, that the anti-Palestinian (or more precisely the anti-Hamas) sections of opinion are frequently too ready to use hysterical abuse to squash opposition. It is perfectly valid, good and honourable for you to feel empathy, sympathy and concern for you fellow humans, whatever their nationality, religion or home turf. I am certain you also feel grief and horror at the disgusting cruelty perpertrated on the prisoners of Belsen and Auschwitz.

This story is a genuine attempt to identify with the people of Gaza in this terrible time. I applaud you for caring.

Suggestions

This is too gentle; Everything seemed to go silent. Be sure, *Right* Everything went silent.

Avoid wasted words, like this, felt the air get ripped from my lungs... *Right* I felt the air rip from my lungs... And here, I gasped for air, but there was none to breath in.


Technicalities

"So how are you're plans coming along?" *Right* your.

Suddenly[] there was an all to familiar roar of jet engines overhead. *Right* Suddenly, there was an all too familiar roar of jet engines overhead.

Already, the aircraft were already nothing more than specs in the horizon. *Right* specks (the spec without a 'k' is short for 'specification'.)

Suddenly there was two thunderous explosions. *Right* were and you need a comma after 'Suddenly'.

now littered in debris *Right* with.

How could the Israeli's do this to me. Question mark needed - and at the end of the question before this.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
9
9
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget your story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


I liked the idea of this story. I walk daily through woodland, and respect the lives around me there. It was good to read about your tree.

The story was over wordy. Most trees think and speak very simply, you know *Wink*.


Technicalities

I first blossomed from the ground, and the dazzling brightness of the sun first blossomed within my senses. It is better to avoid repetition, unless for effect.

We plants have a natural, innate sense of our surroundings, This is an example of tautology. Both words are not needed. Choose one.

My first instinctual act... *Right* instinctive.

Avoid pretentious language. This is a classic example, It was then that I felt the counterpoint to my earlier exultation. This sentence is not only pretentious, it is unnecessary. The next says the same thing better, Hope swelled, only to be followed by a crashing wave of disappointment.


Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
10
10
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget your story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


Up till about a quarter the way through this story I assumed I was reading about an X-Box game of some sort. It is described in such simplified manner, it's exactly like the gaming action of a zombie-themed shoot-em-up. Here's a classic example, I turned to look at it through the shooting hole in the bunker. It was a little jaguar like skeleton that was eating Jason’s arm. He was having trouble killing it with his knife; his gun was on the ground his bloody hand still holding on to the handle. I aimed and shot the jaguar like skeleton thing in the head and it instantly became just another pile of bones.

It's an exciting story with great action sequences.

Technicalities

You need to edit this carefully for typos. Here's a couple I found.

...from there perches of top of the ridge. *Right* on.

I sprinted out of the bunker and spun only to find see nothing on moving on top of the bunker.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
11
11
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget you're story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


I completely support the theme of this story. Of course it is a noble idea, to link the forest with its natural inhabitants and to present the eco-system as a single entity. Showing the beauty of such an interdependance is also an excellent aim.

Tigers are indeed magnificent and desperately endangered, as is their habitat, so full marks to you for writing about this subject.

Suggestions

The florid writing style reduces the punch of this story. Too many mistakes in vocabulary use and range cause a loss of credibility. It is important to write with passion, but wordiness does not equate with strength. You need to select words more carefully, and use far fewer.

The anthropomorphism of the tiger is an insult to everything you want him to stand for. By giving him such human emotions, and qualities, you put him in the shadow of his persecutors. How would a tiger think? None of us can be sure, but we have some ideas. Try researching some natural history texts on the subject and develop an insight which would make this story stand-out.

Technicalities

There is a lot of technical editing to be done, but here are some examples to get you started.

...powerful yet submittal to his love This, in the first sentence, is off-putting. The word you need is submissive or perhaps, subordinate. When a writer displays poor vocabulary the reader loses confidence in the material.

Avoid repetition, unless for a specific effect; ...the tiger was awoken by a distant, overpowering stench. This distant stench overpowered even the fragrance of the bushes overhead.

leathered booted feet *Right* leather-booted feet.

The men released their metal axes from belts, too of cow pelt. This is very strange construction. Maybe this would be better, The men drew axes from their belts, which were also made of cow-hide.

accompanied with an axe *Right* by, or cut accompanied and use, with on its own.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
12
12
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget you're story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


This tale of emotional abuse and shallow decadence is poignant. The narrator's desperate bid to maintain a loose but firm hold on his lover is painful in its helpless, hoplessness. It is an excellent subject for a short story. I think F. Scott Fitzgerald would have agreed.

The revelation of the nature of the relationship, half way through the story, is annoyingly surprising. I Kicked myself. A small surprise, but a good one.

It was incredably interesting, to me, that my opinion of the narrator changed once I knew [I am writing cagily to avoid ruining the effect for other readers]. At first, I thought it was bizarre, maddening and totally pathetic behaviour. Then, when I knew; I saw it as cautious, non-possessive and painfully selfless. It was almost admirable. Will's youth (18) was ridiculous at the beginning, like how dare he even have a life at that age... but after the half-way point, it was more understandable. Because he'd had to over-come such a major personal-development crisis he earned maturity, in my eyes. I didn't realise I thought like that before I read this story. So that was very interesting to me.

Suggestions

This story would benefit from a symbolic sub-plot. Something to reflect and highlight the themes of the main story. It could be as simple as a plant on the narrator's windowsill which needs care and bears a single chilli pepper, or a metaphor of greater complexity. It could add beauty to the darkness, and help the reader gain more from the ideas displayed.

Technicalities

This phrase is awkward, ...the crisp duvet crackling as our weights shift, I think you are wanting to highlight the cleanliness of the bed in contrast with Will's state. The pluralizing of "weight" is strange, and gives the reader pause. I suggest something like, The starched [or crisp] linen crumples around us...

Too many adjectives; ...my fingertips tracing the taut, fibrous muscles of his back, I suggest cutting "fibrous". Sometimes more than one adjective is necessary, but often not. Be succinct and search for a few perfect words rather than more adequate ones.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
13
13
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget you're story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


This is such an every-day subject even for me, who has never had children, that I wasn't looking forward to the read (more about that later) - but actually, it was a great read. I enjoyed it immensely.

The pace, humour, vivid description - I loved "triangular eyes" - and vigour of this story made it well worth the few minutes it took to read. Well done.

One edit point: My wife is finally calm now, and actually looks like herself again. I can finally breathe again, better to avoid repetition.

And one general observation: resist the temptation to capitalise whole words. It's is poor style and totally unnecessary.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
14
14
Review of Pumpkin  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget you're story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


Call me old fashioned but I like to see something redeemable in the characters I spend time reading about. This pair of shallow people did not make me care about them. If the reader doesn't care about the characters the basis of the story falls apart. So the most important advice I can give you here is to strengthen the theme and the characters. The easiest way I can see is to develop the character of Valerie. Perhaps you can show her as a noble, mis-used wife and in fact she and Julie's husband are the two clinging to each other in the face of fecklessness of their spouses. Maybe this is what you intended, but the sneers about the "coat-closet" and the lack of evidence in her favour, doesn't achieve the effect.

The use of the second person narration worked surprisingly well. It is a very difficult voice to use, and you almost manage it. It would make better sense if the character who is addressing us were revealed.

Why is this called "Pumpkin"? It is a well-known term of endearment and it is the colour of Julie's panties but is that enough to justify it as a title?

What I Liked

This is competantly written, I spotted no errors.

The interesting use of second-person narrative.

Good characterization, but probably too negative - give us someone to like.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
15
15
Review of The Refuge  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget you're story before the final decisions are made.

_________________


This story is disturbing and intense, and the natural revulsion one feels for child molestation made it difficult for me to read. I don't find stories about this subject entertaining or cathartic, probably because I was lucky enough to never suffer such abuse.

The ghostly lover is also a difficult subject for me, but for very different reasons. Such concepts appear over-dramatic, and unrealistic to my cold-as-steel heart. The story loses all credibility for me, when a ghost enters the scene, or if not the story, the character. The abused grief-stricken character is mentally ill, which under the circumstances, is hardly surprising. But I was hoping she received psychological help and am not duped into wishing she finds solace in the arms of her dead boyfriend. You are inviting the readers to be equally disturbed, and most of them will not be.

That is all my personal view, and I know there are many readers who love this genre, so I am sure there will be no shortage of enthusiastic readers. Indeed, "The Refuge"  has already won second prize in a contest.

The large amount of flash back or back story, call it what you will, needs editing. Be ruthless and decide how much of it is essential, and if it is necessary is there a more tangible way of showing it? Perhaps the story needs to be set at a different moment, so the action is recent and Ricky's death could become the climax. This would over-come the ghost problem, as I see it.

What I Liked

Good grammar, sentence structure and fast pace made this story an easy read in the technical sense.

The story provoked an emotional response in me.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
16
16
Review of Forbidden Estate  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Due to the huge number of entries this round, I am judging and reviewing well before the close-date, which is 6th February. I will recap all reviews during the judging week (6th - 13th February), so please don't worry that I will forget you're story before the final decisions are made.

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English is probably not your first language. I have offered some corrections under Technicalities, but I will review this story in terms of how it works as a story, and will not become too obsessed with the language errors. However a great deal of careful editing is needed for this to reach publishable standard. Having said that, the voice of the narrator is clear, and definitely Indian, which is a quality one would not want to lose.

The subject matter of this story is not suitable for an E rating and so I changed that rating while I was reviewing. Although the tag-line says this is a story of kids and for kids, death and terrorism are not considered, under WDC rating guidelines, ideal material for children.

This story covers a day in the life of a child living in a dangerous environment. Not only are there snakes to bite her but greater danger comes in human form. It had the ring of a true story, as if it were a memory.

Dark themes run through the narrative. Although we learn of no fewer than four human deaths, the demise of the snake is the most powerful because it is the only death the children witness. This interesting and dramaric effect could be heightened by greater detail of the fight between the mongoose and the snake.

In fact, more description and greater use of metaphor would improve this story immensely. A readership outside the subcontinent will not visualise the situation, the characters or the landscape without far more help from the author. I once lived in Calcutta, and my knowledge helped me meet your characters in their world, but many readers will not have those scenes to draw on. Everything needs to be described.

The short glossary at the end was an excellent idea.

Technicalities

Tense changes need correction: It was a cool evening. Ramya was back from school, as usual, and was tired. Her school is about 5 kms from her house and Ramya goes by the Govt. bus. The underscored verbs show the tense changes, from past ('was') to present ('is' and 'goes'). This fault is repeated throughout the story.

It is much better not to use abbreviations, Govt. *Right* Government; and till 6 o’clock *Right* till six o'clock.

This is archaic language: She walked unto the nearest neighbour... Modern English = She walked to the nearest neighbour...

Perchance, Eve experienced the same mystique excitement... 'Perchance' is archaic. Try 'Perhaps' instead. 'Mystique' is a noun. You need the adjective, mystical, for this purpose.

Avoid repetition: ...the mongoose became victorious in the deadly fight. Once the struggle was over, a deadly silence enveloped them.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
17
17
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a touching tribute.

I come from a millitary family. My father was an officer in the 6th QEO Gurkha Rifles, but I didn't lose anyone in war.

I can only imagine the terrible pain suffered by families of soldiers who lose their lives in conflict. More each day, in Afghanistan and Iraq, continue ot die.

I'm not sure how poppies help, but if they do, I'm glad.

Love

Mavis
18
18
Review of Alison's Find  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

I enjoyed the excellent characterization of the little girl. The descriptions were often stunning.

"...she was too busy pretending to be a seagull to stop and investigate. I loved this phrase. It would make a great opener.

Suggestions

"...dodging expertly around the sharp blades..." Perhaps you should clariify, 'razor shells', unless of course you mean actual blades - knives in the sand.

The ending didn't work for me, but others may feel differently. I found it too sudden, too bizarre and not in keeping with the rest, which was rather well-written. It was like slapping a cartoon on the end of a French art film.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
19
19
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This is not a short story. It is a portrait of a character, who may be the protagonist of a much longer and more complex story, a novel, perhaps.

I was very keen to read this item, even though it had not been entered correctly, hence my edits on the post. The title chimed with the current economic catastrophe. I was expecting a sophisticated and plot-rich satire of modern banking weaknesses, such as an analysis of the sub-prime mortgage market. Just goes to show one should not begin a story with any preconceptions.

Suggestions

This needs a plot and a more startling hook, something clever which will intrigue your reader. As the beginning of a larger piece it's fine as it stands. Further development may bring out the wit, sophistication and insight required. The writing style is good, if rather wordy, and I spotted no technical errors.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
20
20
Review of The Tire Swing  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This story is well written and presented.

The characterization, structure and scene development are very good.

I found the sentimentality difficult to swallow in places, but I know plenty of people will absolutely lap it up, so my taste is unimportant in this case.

Suggestions

This story is based on a true story. I found the spiritual aspect impossible to believe and the true story claim jarred, until I went back and carefully re-read the tag line. There is nothing wrong with claiming it's based on a true story, because that's not the same as saying it is true, in every detail. It might be an idea though, in the interests of accuracy, to explain that there is no possible corroboration of the details about a dead woman talking to her husband and daughter from the grave.

If you do indeed have proof of these paranormal events being true, you can advise the people invovled to contact the James Randi Institute, where a prize of on million dollars awaits them.

Technicalities

The pain subsided, but didn't stopped *Right* stop.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
21
21
Review of Happiness  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

Great opening: He burst through the staff room door in a flurry of bundles and papers. It's full of energy and immediately we want to know who he is.

...a picket fence of capless pens, I loved this image *Smile*

The story works very well. It has a well-developed plot and good pace. The characterization is excellent and the theme admirable, as well as clearly yet subtley presented. Lynne could have been far harsher on Joel. I know I wanted to be *Wink*

Good, competant story, it should sell well to the women's magazine market.

Suggestions

Occasional trimming recommended, eg, ...the same style that all of the men in the room were wearing *Right* wore So, *Right* ...the same style all the men wore

Consider replacing 'all the men' with all the male staff

and The others in the room watched him, as well...

and There was not a love handle in sight, not an inch to pinch. The man was a rail…a vegetarian rail, Do all three (possibly four) of these descriptions have to be there? I understand the argument for the one-two-three effect, but in this case, one would probably be enough.

This construction could be improved: Lynn glanced at him apologetically, but found herself smiling at the lack of food he had; Dale had been watching his diet, but certainly for different reasons than this Joel character. Suggetion only, for your consideration: Lynn glanced at him apologetically, but noticing his foodless tray, her moue broadened to an amused smile. Dale had different reasons from Joel for watching his diet.

I didn't appreciate this phrase, soft caress of a hand calloused by number-crunching. Perhaps, soft caress of a hand worn smooth with number-crunching, would be more fitting.


Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
22
22
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .


Thank you indeed. This is a wonderful story. It's well-written, humorous, and even...dare I say it... believable *Smile*. Even this hard-nosed cynic was convinced by the gentle style to suspend my disbelief.

It reminded me of the writing of Sara Gruen, her novel Water For Elephants, in particular. Have you read it? I can recommned it if you haven't.

Suggestions

The introductory comment from "The Management" made me roll my eyes, and I was expecting a bumpy ride, so I was pleasantly surprised when I found myself enjoying the trip. The note didn't work for me, and might put some readers off.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
23
23
Review of Writing (A story)  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: E | (2.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

"When stuck, go for a walk," is good advice to writers. Is this advice sufficent to be the theme of a whole short story? I am not convinced.

It's an unwritten rule that fiction about the process of writing will only interest writers, and then not all of them.

Clive James delivered a marvellous item about his writing habits only a few days ago, on BBC Radio 4, so there are exceptions, but unfortunartely this story was not one.

If the author were a major writer, and the story he was sweating over, were a famous classic, or even a modern block-buster, maybe there would be a more general market for such an item.

Humour would improve the piece, which as it stands, is pretentious and dull.

Here's an example of the worst sort of prententious writing: The night remained as it had and he did not disturb the silence that had unwillingly returned. What exactly does that mean? What image does 'unwilling silence' produce? It's words for words' sake, and no great writer, agonizing over his masterpiece, would write such nonsense.

Rather than fantasizing about producing great art, perhaps you should study some basic structure, scene and character development techniques. Writers' Digest Books publishes a huge range of wonderful writers' handbooks in their "Write Great Fiction" series. I can also recommend The Elements of Style by Strunk and White.

You have enough grasp of the language and grammar to become a very good writer, so don't fall at this hurdle. Get reading, get learning and keep trying.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
24
24
Review of Revolution  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

This experimental story plays with structure, and narrative. Mostly it worked well, but strictly speaking it is a script rather than a short story. I will draw a veil over that *Wink*.

The subject is clear, maybe a little heavy handed, but sometimes, clarity is too important to risk on subtlety. I found the piece very interesting.

Suggestions

Phrases like, We know nothing else, and We are all the same, are too knowing. The narrator's integrity would be improved if these opinion-based comments, which seem to come from a different perspective, were cut.

The ending disappointed me. It didn't fit the rest of the story, and seemed desperate, like an after-thought. More time developing a conclusion with greater allegorical relevance would be well spent.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
25
25
Review of It Had to Happen  
Review by Mavis Moog
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" .

*Laugh* I enjoyed that!

Thank you for this funny and well-written satire. My favourite bits were the Capital of Burkina Faso sketch and the ending. So over the top, that ending *Wink*.

Suggestions

Spoofs are not my favourite form of fiction, but that is a personal view. This is a good example of its genre.

Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes

Mavis Moog*Flower5*
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