This is a very inspiring story. I enjoyed learning how Naoki came up with a plan to help Eisuke and how the game they played would work.
The names are a little difficult for me to wrap my tongue around (and I worry about not being able to pronounce them correctly) but I believe that adds to the charm of the story.
On the formatting side you may wish to place another line in between different paragraphs for those of us who find it difficult to follow one line to the next. Someone (k5rakitan) pointed this out to me on a piece I shared and I thought I'd pass along the information.
I hope Naoki and Eisuke continue their story with another instalment.
This was a very interesting tale! I love how you worked so many different characters into a fantasy land with a cat narrator. It captures the imagination and makes me feel like a kid reading a story that I'll dream about later.
I enjoyed this piece you've shared. It painted daily life and the struggle I go through daily.
I don't really have any tips for you since I would change anything about your piece. I'm not an expert in poetry but if this was the first piece I read in a book I would probably purchase it.
This is a captivating world you've created. Your balance of description and dialogue is good. The pacing seemed a little off in the middle to me with the shorter breaks and lack of action descriptions. I think the pacing would be okay in a longer piece (which I really hope you choose to do). Especially if the end of the scene presents another challenge for Alyzia.
I have to admit this piece made me smile (probably not what you intended) and remind me of my own stream of writing whatever pops into my head. I'm glad I'm not the only one who does this. And to be honest it is very comendable for putting this piece out for comments.
So while I had trouble jumping around with you I did enjoy the piece. Technically I wish you had broken up the sentences a little more to allow the reader a little breathing space instead of a giant chunk of text, but I'm not sure if that would have made your sentiments stand out anymore.
The only other thing I can really say is that you may not be as good or better than your brother with a guitar, drums, or keyboard commandeer one of them and play your heart out. It will annoy him and give you a bit of happiness too.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mcdanian
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.31 seconds at 12:08pm on Apr 24, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
