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102 Public Reviews Given
105 Total Reviews Given
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1
1
Review of Summer Kiss  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Schnujo is in the Falklands !

As a part of the winning bid for a package in the Mermaid Wishes Auction, Pesky Amanda A.K.A. LadyNazlia requested that you be the recipient of one of the friend reviews in her package.

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Summer Kiss, in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers and "Invalid Item.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I liked that the story was about hopeful young love. Or I perceived it as young. *Smile*

I loved the spitting after the firefly lands on her lips. I could so relate to that.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

I think you did a fine job working the summer and romance prompts into your story.

*CheckV* Plot:

Our story follows a less than confident man as he tries to woo a new woman in his life.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The piece is written in first person and present tense. It is not often that we are presented with present tense and I must admit it was distracting. I went back through it closely to as tense seems to be something we all struggle with, and you did well in keeping it all in the present.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The outdoor setting works well with bugs and the heat in keeping with the summer prompt.

*CheckV* Characters:

Our two characters are sufficient for the short story, and they move the story along at a good pace.

*CheckV* Dialogue:

Their dialogue is natural and flows well. As noted before, their interactions move to story along to its conclusion nicely.

*CheckV* Mechanics:

I did not find anything in the mechanics that stood out to me. Well done.

*CheckV* Grammar:

The only question I have is with the "smart alec" spelling. It thought it was spelled differently. Plus, you have it written almost as a name as it is capitalized.

Webster says that your spelling is the less common one, but it should not be capitalized. Otherwise, the more common spelling is "aleck."

Conclusions

I liked the story and found it well written. I chuckled about the spitting through to the end of the story.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


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2
2
Review of Negative One  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Genipher !

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Negative One, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I liked that I did not get that the instructor was the main character's father. Nice surprise.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

The only thing that made me think this was a contest entry is the folder that it was in, but aside from that, there is no info to determine what the prompt for that day was.

I include the prompt as it helps the reviewer, well, most of the time. Some still do not look at the prompt and then make comments about those things that were constraints of the contest.

*CheckV* Plot:

The story involves an unnamed trainee taking a driver's test in an alien spaceship. It is a cute story and kept my attention.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is written from the main characters point of view. It is told in third person limited and works well in these formats.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

Nearly the entire story takes place in the spacecraft on the mothership or traveling to and from Earth's atmosphere. The limited setting helps contain the flash story.

*CheckV* Characters:

There are two characters which are the driver and instructor. At the end of the story, we find they have a child and parent relationship, which adds to the conflict of the story.

*CheckV* Dialog:

The dialog works for the story. The instructor is primarily short and gruff and the driver is nervous and chatty.

*CheckV* Grammar:

There are several instances where instead of using "said", the characters gulp, sniff, shrug, grin, sigh, snort their words, which is impossible. One cannot gulp or sniff a sentence. These out of the ordinary dialog tags are distracting and made me stop at each one instead of continuing the flow of the story.

If you want to include those sounds or actions, try to do so separate from the dialog tag.

"Negative one point. You're supposed to use your left hand to activate the engines."

"But..." I gulped, "The button's on my right side..."


Maybe something to the effect of:

I gulped down a few choice words and said, "But the button's on my right side."

or

I gulped down a few choice words. "But the button's on my right side."

"That's pretty old-school," I grinned, attempting to lighten the mood, "I thought paper had gone extinct ages ago."

"Negative one point," Meeroc sniffed, "No idle chit-chat while driving."


"That's pretty old-school. I thought paper had gone extinct ages ago." I had a stupid grin on my face as I attempted to lighten the mood.

"Negative one point." Meeroc sniffed and marked his paper again. "No idle chit-chat while driving."

Conclusions

Aside from the small issues with the dialog tags, it is a well written and fun story. I loved the crop circle and cow references.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


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3
3
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, ruwth

It's been a pleasure to review your essay, "~ Spring Is In The Air ~, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I liked that it was a non-fiction piece and something I have not had the pleasure of reviewing. It made me smile and offered a glimpse into your world.

And I liked that you invited me to review it. It was a very nice of you to give me the gift points for reviewing, but it was not necessary.

My thoughts:

Your request asked about how to make it better and draw your readers into the experience and the story. After reading your essay, I have a few suggestions.

I think that if you are wanting to invite your readers in, you might want to summons your mother into the opening paragraph. I think it would be more intimate in the first paragraph rather than waiting until the third.

Something like this:

Whenever I think of spring, I immediately hear my mother's voice. "Spring is in the air."

I first heard her utter this expression when I was growing up in Wellsville, New York. Wellsville is a little town in Southwestern New York State. Wellsville, New York is ninety miles south of Buffalo, close to the Pennsylvania border.


*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is easily readable and it has an old time feel with the term "menfolk." It is a nice recounting of a memory paired with a current event.

*CheckV* Grammar:

I am sure when my mother said, "Spring is in the air.", she was talking about the freshness of the air.


There is a period after air that should not be there if you are putting the quote in the middle of the sentence.

I was wondering about the following line. Is this something you think or they said? The dashes did not make sense to me.

They told me spring here in Oklahoma didn't particularly have its own smell—"It just smells like dirt."


Conclusions

This is a grand little essay about the spring that treats us to the present and the past time. It was a delight to read and review.

Thank you for sharing your essay.

Best wishes,

D


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4
4
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, Pat ~ Rejoice always! !

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "The Old Iron Bunk Bed, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers and for your 10-year anniversary! Congrats. That is a long time to be a member of any organization.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

This is a recounting of a place that is dear to your heart. It is nice to read a piece about something that is positive in our lives. I am glad that you took the time to write about it. I also chose it as it had not been reviewed.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Plot:

I suppose this is more of an essay than a story, eh? (This piece has identified my need for another review tool template.) The piece sets out to document a place that has brought you some peace over the years. It isn't an extravagant place, but a simple one of an old building in the woods. The old iron bunk bed is the arms of the forest holding you close and safe.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The piece is written in an easy going and easily understood manner. It is as though I am having a chat with you about this memory.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The scene and setting are integral to the piece and there are plenty of senses to add to our view: sweaty outer layers, cool sheets, a warm breeze, hair dryers and birds.

*CheckV* Characters:

Our narrator and main character is our Ms. Pat. Our development is your desire to have a bit of peace and the fact that you carry this place with you to visit in your time of need.

*CheckV* Grammar:

I am going to go out on a limb here and ask about the comma in the following sentence. Should it be there? Should it be "nor" with a negative "not"? I'm never quite sure on those neither / nor rules.

It is not found on a sandy beach, or in a sunny meadow.


I have another question about the following two sentences. It seems as though the first comma should not be there on either of them. What do you think?

Near the bed, hangs a rickety screen door, all that stands between the bed and the woods nearby.


Mingled in, is the croaking of frogs gathered to visit at their favorite spot in the stream and an occasional bee buzzing by to say hello.


Conclusions

I like the imagery this piece invokes. I think you did a fine job of leading us around the camp and sharing the place with us.

Thank you for sharing your special place with us.

Best wishes,

D


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5
5
Review of Unknown DNA  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Angel !

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Unknown DNA, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

The best thing is that we tied for second on this one. What a weird but glorious event!
I liked the suspense in your entry as well.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

There are a lot of folks that try to cram a loose story into less than 75 words. That is not the purpose of "Invalid Item. I like that you stuck to a minimum of info and just let us know that something happened, but not exactly what. Good job.

*CheckV* Dialog and Grammar:

Yes, people are saying, well you're the scientists, you should have known, but we don't know everything.


One thing I did notice, but I am not too sure about is quoted above. Should the "...well, you're the scientists, you should have known..." be italicized or in quotes? I also think there should be a comma after the "well."

Let me know what you find out about how an indirect quote as such should be handled.

Tense and Tone

There is a bit of denial that is emitted from this story. It feels like a press conference and/or political deniability flying around. Or an explanation being given by the husband to the spouse over a hushed cup of coffee in the back of a coffee shop. I like it. (O:

The whole story is in the past tense and it works well that way.

I was just thinking that present tense or first person might have given more immediacy and intimacy to this panicky press like statement. But again, the way it is written works well.

Plot and Characters

Well there is not really a plot or character development to speak of, but this might make a good short or longer story.

Conclusions

It is hard to do a big review on a 75 words or less contest entry, but I hope it gave you some benefit and food for thought.

Thank you for sharing your story and for doing a review on mine.

Best wishes,

D


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6
6
Review of Query Letter  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, Anthony Sanders !

It's been a pleasure to review your "Query Letter, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

Thank you for your review request. I hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


My thoughts:

I have never created a query letter before but I will try my best to offer a reader's perspective.

I decided to go take a peak at Writer's Digest's info about query letters. It was very interesting and I am including a link: http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-w...

From reading this article by a literary agent, I can understand why they state you have to be short and sweet. She indicates she rarely gets to the end of the letter. And even more discouraging is the 1/400th or 1/2000th acceptance rate. So with that said, a strong opening is needed.

*CheckV* Opening:

The first line of your query states the obvious to the reader, that they are seeking YA material. Instead, tell them about your story in a strong short statement. I have heard people say that you need to be able to impart your story in one or two sentences.

*CheckV* Bio:

I believe you need to sell yourself in your letter. The only information we get is that you live in Flint, Michigan. Which doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy that you are well versed with Galveston and the surrounding areas. It would be better to relay that you lived in Galveston for many years or spent your summers there as a kid or took many trips to the area over the year to glean the feel of the place. Have you been to Galveston?

*CheckV* Mechanics:

One thing that I noticed right away is that the title is not properly formatted. It should at least be italicized. It is interesting that that article shows the title in full caps. Might need to research that issue.

If you intend on killing off your young lovers, I think you need to change your genre to a tragedy and not a romance. A romance needs to end on a positive note, I believe.

The explanation about your story is a bit confusing. Why would a community terrorize this child? If the father raped the mother why would he be privy to her having an abortion? The existence of the child for 16 years is not keeping a secret and killing him won't make that fact go away. These are just thoughts/questions I had when I read your explanation.

*CheckV* Grammar:

There are capitalizations that I do not understand. You have "Bi-racial" and "White" capitalized. It is like it is stated because something is wrong with being either of those races. That is just how it came across to me. It would have been better received by me if you said something to the effect that racial tensions in the area and of the time were a source of conflict for the young lovers. Make them read the manuscript to get the nitty-gritty.

"16 year old" should be 16-year-old and "terrorises" is misspelled.

Conclusions

I think that you have a good start to your query letter and requesting a review is a plus. I believe there are things you should investigate before sending off this letter.

I think I would have a different perspective as well, if I would have read the story so I could see where you are coming from, but an agent or publisher doesn't have that advantage. So you need to make me want to read more. If I were reading thousands of queries a year, I don't think I would have requested your manuscript. There was just not enough of a hook to reel me in.

Also, try to request a review from some of the published authors. They will definitely have a different perspective than I do.

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to send me an email.

Thank you for sharing your query letter.

Best wishes,

D


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, BScholl !

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Another Lifetime (1st Place), on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I am fascinated by writing and reading what a few prompt words or images can dredge forth from our minds. I liked the place you went to with the prompts. It was moving and entertaining to read.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

You made good use of the prompts. I was not thinking of the postal service though, when you stated "men in blue."

*CheckV* Plot:

The flash contest entry contains a good story that centers around a long-lost piece of correspondence that the postal service manages to find some years later. It is not known how long the letter was lost. The main character sets out to deliver the late correspondence to its intended recipient.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is told in past tense and from third person. It is written in what appears to be omniscient from the narrator's point of view. The story works fine in this style.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

As is with most flash pieces, we are limited to what info we can share due to the constraint typically of word count. There is little of the setting that is passed along, but we can deduce the basic information from the story. Such as, it is not known if it is a city or suburban location, but 750 stops would rule out a rural location.

*CheckV* Characters:

The mail carrier, Joel, feels like he has a special delivery but does not consider the impact this long-lost letter could have on the recipient. Instead of jubilation, he is met with disbelief and shortly thereafter disgust. We feel the let down as Joel stands on the stoop still holding the yellowed letter.

*CheckV* Dialog:

The dialog moves the story along well and imparts background information throughout the story.

*CheckV* Grammar:

I saw no glaring mistakes. The story is easily readable.

Conclusions

The title notes that the story won first place and in reading the nicely written story, I can see why. This is a good story packed into just under 300 words. More words would have likely allowed for more setting and visual pieces.

I am sorry for the duplicate review. I failed to include my affiliation properly so I included some gift points for the inconvenience.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello, Liana !

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "One Mans Revenge (Leave feedback), on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

The story asked for feedback right in the title. I liked that the request was right out there.

It was an interesting vignette to follow. I did want to read more about what happened after where you left off.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Plot:

The story is a bit incomplete as we are not aware of what this revenge is all about and what happens after the story ends. I am unsure if you intend to expand upon this story, but given you asked for feedback, I will assume so.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is written in past tense and adheres to that throughout the story.

It is written in third person and in a limited point of view.

Both of these choices work well for the story, although we are not privy to much of what is going on inside of the main character's head as to the "why" of the story.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The scene and setting is an old west street. We have a bit of information about the place but a few more of the sense may help your story. Is he cold? What does he smell? Can he hear the murmur coming from the office?

*CheckV* Characters:

There are a few characters in this short story. I was a bit confused about who is who. I think that you need to identify who Richmond is. I don't know if it is Justice's last name or someone else.

*CheckV* Dialog:

There needs to be some dialog tags (he said, she said) or some other means to identify which person is speaking. I am sure it would be more clear once Richmond is identified, but it is easy for the reader to get lost, as I am.

“I’m going to kill you.”
Palmer put his hand on the bigger mans chest and nodded at him before stepping into the moonlight.
“Seems I underestimated you Richmond.”
Justice shook his head slowly.
“That man is dead.”
Palmer laughed.
“Planning your own funeral Richmond?”
Justice stepped forward and raised his head, looking at Palmer. Palmer shivered but didn’t lose his composure.
“You are a dead man!”
“I've got nothing to lose.”


I have no idea who is talking about what here.


*CheckV* Mechanics:

There needs to be some blank lines added between the lines of dialog and the paragraphs to make it more readable.

*CheckV* Grammar:

There are some improvements needed to the punctuation of the dialog. Consider the following:

“Palmer!” He yelled. “Come out here and fight me you son of a bitch!”


Even though there is an exclamation in the quotes, the "he" should be lower case, as in "Palmer!" he yelled.

There also should be a comma following "me" in the next sentence.

“Seems I underestimated you Richmond.”


A comma is needed after "you" to set off the name.

There are several other instances of missing commas throughout the story.

I tell a lot of people about this as I learned a significant amount about the comma in the Comma Sense class at New Horizons. It costs 10,000 gps for the class and it is well worth the dollar investment.

Conclusions

I think you have a good start at this story. A few corrections to the grammar and expanding the story a bit will improve it significantly, in my humble opinion.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, BScholl!

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Another Lifetime (1st Place), on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I am fascinated by writing and reading what a few prompt words or images can dredge forth from our minds. I liked the place you went to with the prompts. It was moving and entertaining to read.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

You made good use of the prompts. I was not thinking of the postal service though, when you stated "men in blue."

*CheckV* Plot:

The flash contest entry contains a good story that centers around a long lost piece of correspondence that the postal service manages to find some years later. It is not known how long the letter was lost. The main character sets out to deliver the late correspondence to its intended recipient.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is told in past tense and from third person. It is written in what appears to be omniscient from the narrator's point of view. The story works fine in this style.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

As is with most flash pieces, we are limited to what info we can share due to the constraint typically of word count. There is little of the setting that is passed along, but we can deduce the basic information from the story. Such as, it is not known if it is a city or suburban location, but 750 stops would rule out a rural location.

*CheckV* Characters:

The mail carrier, Joel, feels like he has a special delivery but does not consider the impact this long lost letter could have on the recipient. Instead of jubilation, he is met with disbelief and shortly thereafter disgust. We feel the let down as Joel stands on the stoop still holding the yellowed letter.

*CheckV* Dialog:

The dialog moves the story along well and imparts background information throughout the story.

*CheckV* Grammar:

I saw no glaring mistakes. The story is easily readable.

Conclusions

The title notes that the story won first place and in reading the nicely written story, I can see why. This is a good story packed into just under 300 words. More words would have likely allowed for more setting and visual pieces.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


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10
10
Review of We'll Rise Up  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Winnie,

This is an awesome story. It was deserving of the win. Congrats.

I loved all of the characters and I listened to the song as I read the tale you spun.

Thanks for sharing.

D
11
11
Review of G.o.T. Cheers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2129593 Unavailable **

As you know, the House Stark is a force to be reckoned with. We, wolves, are pleased with the newly fallen snow and advance of winter. We will be hunting, watching, lurking in the shadows of the throne. Beware of the brave!

We are coming for you!


Sig by the Queen, Hannah
12
12
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Well Ms. Ruwth,

I think the owl is adorable. I think it fits with the campfire as he can be sitting there quietly in the tree whilst you are chatting away around the campfire.

I picked your first post as I thought it was cute. It was me that you were talking to. No, you are not talking to yourself. I am listening and enjoying the conversation.

But why can't we answer "Huh?"? Sometimes it is a "Huh?" moment once we get it verbalized. LOL

I think this is the first campfire that I have been to on WdC. Interesting.

Thank you for sharing.

D
13
13
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, JA!

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "Searching For The Last Goodbye, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I'm sorry it has taken me a bit to get this review done. I did a ton of reviews and then took a little break. I kept your email to make sure I would not lose your info.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading your story and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I liked that this young girl was on a mission to find something and that she was successful. It was touching that she wanted to find it in time for her mother's funeral. I kept reading because I was curious as to what it was she was looking for.

My thoughts:

    *CheckV* Plot:

This short story chronicles the quest of a young girl to locate an item. We are not let on to what it is she is looking for until near the end. At that time, we don't realize the importance of her finding what she is looking for.

    *CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story starts out in present tense and switches back and forth to past tense. I have included a few examples for your review below.

The girl looked at the man and sadly stated, “No sir, I don’t have any idea of streets or even maybe where it could be.....


“Oh my gosh,” she cries, “this is it. Oh thank you, thank you. You helped me find it.” She folds the map,....


I do not believe there is a literary reason for the switching of tenses. It would make your good story even stronger by settling on one tense throughout. It is very confusing for the reader to be snatched back and forth between tenses.

The story is told from the omniscient third person point of view (POV). This is due to occasional use of the other characters "thinking". It would be a limited POV for the girl if those instances were changed. I believe you were meaning more of a pause as the "thinking" only results in the character saying something. I have included an example below for your review. There are a few instances of this throughout your story.

The man looked at her, thinking hard, “Well, there are a couple of parks pretty close to here. Which one are looking for? Do you know what street?”


    *CheckV* Scene/Setting:

There are two settings in this story. A location where the girl once lived and the funeral home where her mother's viewing takes place.

I noticed there is a word count at the bottom of the story, so it is possible that this was a contest entry. If that is so, then there is not much wiggle room for more description, but as a reader, it would have been nice to see more of what you envisioned at the conclusion of the story. Do you smell the sickly sweet scent of too many different types of flowers in the stuffy room for the viewing? Is there a perfume the neighbor always wears that makes you want to puke? It is 'deathly' quiet in there or is there a low murmur that continued until they saw her walk past? Let your writing immerse us in the senses of the character for a richer reader experience.

    *CheckV* Characters:

The main character is an unnamed girl of unknown age. I suspect she is young given she had some concern about getting back before anyone noticed she was gone. There are a few others characters she meets on the street in her search for a particular park.

Given this is a short story there is minimal character development which seems fine as the character was successful in her quest.

    *CheckV* Dialog:

There is both internal and external dialog in this story. Typically external dialog is surrounded in double quotes and internal dialog, where the character is thinking and the dialog is shared, should be italicized. This allows the reader to know the comments were not said aloud.

In the excerpt from your story below, I am not sure if she is thinking aloud or actually speaking aloud. I have included it for your review.

She takes off walking and says to herself, “I’ll search the streets and find the old place, then I'll find where I need to go from there.”


The following excerpt it does make it clear that she is thinking, therefore her internal dialog should be in italics.

She kneels down in the garden at the base of the bird bath thinking, “It has to here. It must.” She starts to dig....


The following external dialog is prefaced by "He thought" indicating internal dialog instead of external dialog. Again, it seems as though you might mean that he stopped to think and then said something aloud. If that is the case, have him scratch his head or gaze off and then say something to the girl.

He thought, “I don’t but here is a nostalgic map. It has old landmarks and pictures of places in the old neighborhood. Take a look and see if you can find anything familiar.”


...“Hey miss, did find what you were looking for?” The man asked.


If there is a dialog tag and verb (He said, etc.) following a sentence ending with an exclamation or question mark, the tag should be in lowercase, such as the following:

"Where is the park?" the man asked.
      Or
"I can't find it!" she said.

I have found that some low end apps, especially on my phone automatically capitalize after the question mark or exclamation, even if surrounded by quotes. I have to keep a close eye out for that.

    *CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

Thank you for reformatting your story. I know that copying and pasting can come with weird results sometimes. I try to check the preview before I post in hopes of catching a majority of them. I know you said that you were still having issues get them formatting the way you want it. Sometimes there are spaces or hard returns in the mix that make a mess of things. If you put your cursor before the word that you want to wrap up to the next line and backspace a few times until it starts wrapping the text that might fix some of the remaining formatting problems. Let me know if you still have problems and we can chat via WdCs messenger and get it straightened out for you.

There are a few grammar items that I have noted above and a few more below that I have listed for your review.

“Excuse me sir, I am looking for the local park. Can you point me in right direction?”


The 'excuse me' should be set off with a comma as it is an interjection.

In the girls’ hand is small tin box


The apostrophe should be before the 's' in 'girls'.

There is a lot out there in the writing world about showing instead of telling. I think a bit of that would tighten up your story and make it stronger. Let the character's actions show us some of the things you are telling us. For instance, consider the excerpts from your story below.

She lived here before and thought the place she needed would be easy to find but times have moved on and so much has changed.


“I used to live here, years ago with my mom and dad.” She said with tears in her voice. “I’m trying to find a local park. Not big but it
was in this area. It’s not a big deal but that is what I’m looking for.”


In the first excerpt, you have told us about her situation, but in the second excerpt, you let the character tell us, thus it allows the character to tell a bit of the story.

This is an old time neighborhood where everyone knows each other and they tend to meet up at the local coffee shop daily. They talk of old times and new times to come. A few people notice this one girl, looking worried and seeming to be looking for something.


The same applies here as you allow the folks from the coffee shop to observe her and interact with her. So technically you could possibly omit the last line and let your characters impart the info instead of telling us.

Also in the prior excerpt second sentence, there should be a comma after 'dad' instead of a period and 'She' should be lowercase. The use of 'tears in her voice' reads oddly to me. Maybe something to the effect of her voice cracking due to being on the verge of tears or her voice cracking as she bats away a tear, but I am not sure we can have tears in our voice, if you know what I mean.

The comment that she makes that it's not a big deal does not ring true to me. It is a very big deal. I don't understand why she would say something as such. It is not as though lying about her quest has a point. This is just something that jumped out at me when I read through the story on subsequent times.

The couple watched her go and the little lady said, “I hope she finds what she is looking for, she is too pretty to be that upset.”


The last of the dialog above made me stop. I thought, "What does that mean? Only ugly people can be upset?" I guess that is an off the wall comment from a character, but it struck me oddly.

And lastly, this is another opportunity to show instead of tell. This would be a great place for it too. It is right at the end of the story. Let the girl speak instead of telling the following:

In the girls’ hand is small tin box. Years before she and her momma had buried the box in the garden with a small black and white
photo of them both, that her dad had taken, and a locket with pictures of her and one of her mom and dad. She puts the small box
under her momma’s hands and places a light kiss on the cold forehead.


She could say something to the effect of what you have told: "Look what I found. Remember when we buried this box with our pictures and the locket?", etc, etc.

The use of "the cold forehead" also struck me. Why "the"? Why not "her" forehead? It sounded very detached for such an impassioned quest and delivery.

I hope you found something useful from my review. I think that you have a great story. A few changes will make it a stronger story.

Conclusions

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions. I would be glad to re-review your story once you have made some updates.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Affection?  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, BBK!

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "Affection?, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I see that you noted that this story is based on true events, which means, in my opinion, that more of you is invested than the usual piece of our heart that goes along with what we write. I like that you risked more by stating that.

This is a great piece of work by a newcomer to WdC and someone that states she is new to writing. I applaud your efforts and I hope to read more of your writing in the future.

We have chatted a few times in the messenger area and I had taken a look at your profile to remind myself if you were the young lady from India. While I was there I thought I would take a look at your portfolio as I was looking for a newcomer to review for the Paper Doll Gang. I am glad I found your story.

My thoughts:
*CheckV* Plot:

The story is a universal one in this day and age. We meet someone online and in the end, it does not work out. This story chronicles Prerna's encounter with a man she met online named, Saumit. It follows their progression from online, to a face to face meeting, to a leap that Prerna makes from friendship to asking him if there is a chance for more. That step ruins it for them. Her expectations made him uncomfortable and she was embarrassed. It spiraled until it died a sad death.

I can relate to this story in that I met someone online who was great online but a lunatic in person. The difficulty with online things seems to be that they get to hide behind a screen and we don't get to know the real them until we have committed our tender hearts. ::sigh::

I really like how the ending is tied to Saumit and that Prerna would likely not have been where she was without having been introduced to meditation by Saumit. It was a nice way to wrap up the story. Hopefully this part of the story is true and you benefited from this.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

This story is written in third person and is limited to Prerna's Point of View (POV). I believe this is the best POV as Saumit's thoughts are easily expressed by himself and another POV does not clutter the story by hopping between heads.

The style is easy to read and flows nicely from one period to the next with headings and dates to keep the reader informed of the jumps forward in time. I like the headings: Bonding, Meeting, Agony and Unexpected.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

There are a few setting in this story. In Prerna's living space and at the train station. We are not offered much in the way of details for these locations. Let us see where she is sitting while she is tinkering with her phone and chatting with Saumit. Is it with her knees pulled tight to her chest on the couch, her favorite overstuffed chair, or perhaps a window seat? Can she smell the coffee brewing or the strong scent of curry rising from the restaurant she lives above? Is it so noisy that she must close the window or is it so quiet that the silence is screaming in her ears. Does she fiddle with her earring or hair unconsciously while she waits for his replies? Stand there next to her and let us see what floods your senses.

*CheckV* Characters:

There are only two characters in this story, Prerna and Saumit. This keeps the story very intimate and it is not bogged down by unnecessary characters.

Prerna's character develops some confidence only to have it shot down and then she rises up against once more in the end. I like the line "I am alone but no longer lonely..." as it defines the ending perfectly.

Saumit does evolve a bit in this story. He is easy going at first but in the latter part of the story, his tension is evident with his distressed comments.

*CheckV* Dialog:

There is a good amount of dialog between the two characters, Prerna and Saumit and it moves the story along well. There is also quite a bit of internal dialog present. It is well identified by the italics.

There are a few things I noticed, that I would like to bring to your attention.

As she answered his call, Prerna found that her body was shivering with nervous excitement. Her palms had turned cold and sweaty. “Hello Prerna! How are you?” A deep voice sounded from the other end of the phone, filled with enthusiasm and warmth. Her apprehensions melted with his casual and friendly demeanor.


I believe that Saumit's dialog should begin a new paragraph. It just seemed odd with the beginning of the paragraph being all about her and then he starts speaking.

“I can see you... Turn around... I am right there!” Saumit mentioned over the phone with his usual enthusiasm.


There is a lot of discussion out there about the use of what verb after a dialog tag. Most say that "said" and "asked" allow the dialog to continue without being intrusive to the suspension of reality that we are working to maintain. With that said, the excerpt from above uses "mentioned" which really should be "said" as "mentioned" feels like something said offhanded, but this is something he must communicate to her.

It the same sentenced quoted about, he says "....I am right there!" I am not sure if this is a typo or if it is a difference in speech. I would have said "I am right here" to refer to where I am.

She had “liked” his profile purely because of her vibe.


Here "her vibe" would be the feeling she is giving out, not that she is receiving, therefore I would have anticipated it to be that she liked his profile due to the vibe she felt from him or got from him.

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

There are a lot of instances of exclamation marks. They should be used rarely as overuse lessens their impact. For example, one paragraph contains four of them.

There are a lot of ellipses used for what I believe are pauses. Like the exclamation, they can be distracting. There are ten in just two paragraphs. That is a lot of pausing. You might want to take a look at this. It may help to read the text aloud and see if there are really that many pauses and if there is a better way to communicate the hesitance. I used the Find function (Ctrl-F) to find the instances and there were a lot that I had overlooked.

I believe there was a sentence that is a question that is ended with a period, but I cannot locate it again.

Conclusions

Overall, I find this story to be well written and constructed, with only a few issues to be reviewed. That is very good for a beginning writer. It feels as though you took your time and ensured you were satisfied before you risked your heart once again by posting your story for all of us to read and critique.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this review or in general.

I am looking forward to reading more of your writing in the future.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, Redlive122!

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "Sora the Flying Dragon., on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

Thank you for the review request and the gift points. That was the first time I have received one of those. I will have to keep it in mind for use in the future.

I enjoyed reading your story and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

This is a cute story about a little girl and her flying dragon. I think a child would enjoy this story as it is simple and likely something they can relate to. I would have loved to have had a flying dragon. No, let me rephrase that. I would LOVE TO HAVE a flying dragon. (O:

My thoughts:
*CheckV* Plot:

As noted above, the story is simple. It involves a little girl, named Stella, that is awakened by a noisy dragon. She is angry with the dragon, Sora. Who wouldn't be if a dragon roared and woke you from a restful sleep? She returns to bed and dreams of flying. I had a good friend that always dreamt that she could fly. Not me. I run. Flying would be great. I am sure every little one would like to fly on the back of a dragon.

Sora takes Stella for a spin around the city and then leaves her to return home or wherever his brothers are located. I like the fact that the end surrounds the dragon leaving Stella, but at least the leaving is to return to his brothers.

I do have a few questions. If Stella can understand Sora, why doesn't he just tell her he has to go home or to help his brothers? (I see another story) The notation of the brother's roar at the end feels forced and unnecessary (if she can understand Sora).

Her parents don't move the story forward and their involvement is minor. The mom's comment about breakfast is not even responded to and could be omitted via a statement as, "After breakfast, Stella..." instead. I found it odd that her parents were playing with her in the yard before school, when most families are rushed before school.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The style is a fairly easy read. I am not an authority on children's book so I cannot say what age this would apply to.

There are some big words that might be troublesome such as whimpered, dull, autumn, prepared, understand, yesterday, bellowed, etc. It all depends on your intended age group. Just something to think about.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The setting is Stella's backyard, in her house and her city that they fly over. This keeps the story contained and makes it easier for a youngster to keep up with, I believe. Just referring to school was a good plan rather than having her go there. On second thought (later in the review), why is school even in there? It doesn't advance the story and brings up a point that her parents would be looking for her while she is flying around the city, so running inside and going to sleep in the end may not work. Or am I just overthinking a children's book?


*CheckV* Characters:

There are only a few characters in this story which I think is best for a children's book. The least amount of characters the better, I imagine. Stella, Sora, the dragon, and her parents round out the list. As noted in the plot section above, I am not sure the parents are integral to the story.

*CheckV* Dialog:

There is a bit of dialog which seems adequate for the story. It moves things along with Stella verbalizing to the dragon and his answering in roars.

I found a few formatting things for you to look at.

There are a few instances in which, following an exclamation point or question mark, the dialog tag and verb is capitalized. Some low end apps like on my phone, erroneously capitalize the next word. It does not occur on the laptop as far as I have noticed, but I do try to keep an eye out for it. Here is one example.

"Stop it, I was sleeping!" She shouted at the dragon in her backyard.


'She' should be lowercase and since you said 'shouted' you could drop the exclamation.

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

I noticed that there are about ten exclamation marks in this short story. The use of this piece of punctuation should be limited to rare as its overuse lessens its impact.

"ROAR!" The beast roared, the sound so loud it must have woke up everyone in the city!


'Roar' is used twice in four words. Since he has already roared, and if you keep the exclamation, you may want to say something like: The beast was so loud he must have awakened everyone in the city.

There are a few more instances of the double roar reference throughout.

Stella woke up with, startled, scared by the sound. She remembered what the sound was, it was Sora. Stella jumped out of bed and went to the window, angry. "Stop it, I was sleeping!" She shouted at the dragon in her backyard.


The three underlined words do not make any sense to me.

Given this is a children's story, should she be angry because someone disturbed her sleep? Maybe happy to see her friend but annoyed? Just something that occurred to me when I read she was angry.

The dragon spun around in a circle and roared as if it were happy.


Why isn't the dragon just happily spinning or dancing around instead of 'as if it were happy'?

There are several instances of what appear to be run on sentences throughout your story. I have listed a few below.

She woke up, feeling happy, she had a dream about flying.


For hours and hours the dragon was flying, until he finally landed back at the house, Stella jumped off the dragon and hugged him as hard as she can. Sora started flying again, Stella waved goodbye and went inside the house, she went straight to bed, and slept, trying not to cry. Sora was happy, the dragon heard a call from his brothers the night he woke Stella up, now he's probably with his brothers, in a land far away.


"Sora!" Stella ran through the yard and hugged the dragon, Sora. Sora was red, with dull spikes on its back and two sharp horns on its head. The dragon was the size of a school bus. Sora was with Stella for as long as she can remember, they were best friends of sorts. But no one was able to see the dragon, and the dragon never let Stella ride it, she always wanted to fly.


If Sora it's the size of a bus, does Stella just hug his leg? Does she have to climb up from her tail? How can she get her arms around his neck? At first, I thought the creature was small like the picture, until the comment about the size.

Why are they only friends of sorts? Will a child understand that? It sounds like they are not really friends when it is said that way.

Why won't Sora let Stella fly with her? Why the big change of heart suddenly? That was something that bothered me when I read the story.

"It's ok, when I come back we can play all day!" She says, smiling at Sora. "You know, I had a dream yesterday. I was flying!"


There is a change of tense here as well as needing a lowercase "she" and "said".

I am unsure why there are italics in the latter half of the story on the 'he', 'his' and 'him' words.

Conclusions

I really do like this story. It's cute. I can see it in my head in a little book with pictures to accompany the text. With some editing I think it will be a stronger story.

If you would like me to re-review this once you have made some corrections, please let me know. And no gift points are required as you were already quite generous.

Please let me know if you have any questions about this review.

I did ask SM if he had a copy of the preview in his logs and he did not. I definitely learned my lesson. And I disabled that blasted power button.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


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16
16
Review of Cyberia - chpt. 1  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello, Vincent Rayne!

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "Cyberia - chpt. 1, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I was interested in what was going to happen next and how the woman, Cassandra, noted in the description, plays a part in the story. Who is this woman in the image attached to this story, I wondered.

I liked that the story has sci-fi components. By tossing in the "ghosting a cyborg or android body" comment, I was eager to learn more. I must assume that some of these elements are in the next chapters, which is a nice way to pull the reader to turn the page.

Below I have listed some things and addressed some areas for improvement that I think would help make your story even stronger.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Plot:

Given I have only read this first chapter, this review will be limited to that scope.

The story starts off as some kind of a transaction gone bad, which is a good hook for the rest of the story as I was curious to find out what was up next for these men.

The story is interesting to me as I like crime dramas and this feels like a really good start for such a story. I want to go read the other chapters after I am finished with reviewing Chapter 1.



I am curious, if they know the van is bulletproof, why are they shooting at it? Plus, let us see that the bullets made no impact. That would be more showing than telling. Or have him yell at them for shooting at a bulletproof van. Also, in the beginning you wrote about an armored car would not be safe, but this van just drove off. Instead of shooting at it, shouldn't someone have tried to follow it? Just some things to think about.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The piece is written in third person omniscient. Third person feels appropriate for this story thus far as we get to interact with thoughts of various characters.

The style is easy to read and flows as though I were watching an episode of "Law and Order."

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The story takes place in a parking garage. I did not feel like I had a good idea of what the surroundings looked like. I could only pull from my own experience of what being there might be like. I know they are on the top level, but I was confused about the lights going off as I assumed it was an open roof. I suppose the lights could have been on poles on a very dark night or area. It would help the reader experience your story more if you added more sensory items. Stand there next to the characters as an observer and tell us what you experience, see, smell, hear, etc.

What does it smell like? Oil and gas from the cars? Urine from the homeless that pee in the corners or the stairwells? Is it poorly lit or terribly bright? Is there a buzzing light hanging over one of the van's that flickers that is irritating everyone? Does the boss keep smoothing out his suit jacket, content with feeling the fine silk finish? Does a burp of acid come up the throat of the guy that just lost the money or the goods?

*CheckV* Characters:

There are several characters in this first chapter but I had a difficult time determining who is talking to whom. For example, here is an excerpt from your story:

“Are you sure this is a good idea? What if they take our money and kill us?” A man asked his boss.

“I don’t think they would be that stupid. What’s the point of doing this whole transaction if he was killed? If I die, he dies. There are safety precautions to make sure he’s not ghosting a cyborg or android body.” The leader answered calmly. He stood in the middle of a parking garage on the top floor waiting for his merchandise to show up. There was a lot on the line. But nothing worth killing each other here and now over. It was a mid term investment and if things worked out then he would be a very rich man and put his organization towards the top. But first he needed his product.

Just as the man looked at his watch he could hear a vehicle approaching, making its way up the floor levels. He looked around to make sure all of his people were in position. Not even an armored car would be safe if the people he was meeting with decided to go back on their deal or play rotten.

A sleek black car pulled up a good little distance and stopped. A tall bald man in a good looking suit stepped out of the car and turned the vehicle off. Several others followed him in exiting the car; all carrying automatic rifles. The bald man smiled as he approached his business partner.


The first paragraph only identifies the character as "a man". Telling us more about him would help the story. Is he security? Is he a nervous accountant that was made to attend since he verbalized his worry about being killed and robbed?

In the second paragraph, the boss could respond to him by name making it easier to keep up with all of the men and the "he's" in your story. Or if the character does not play a large part, go the other way and let that character introduce the boss.

"Sammy, are you sure this is a good idea? What if ...." or more formally "Mr. Feinberg, are you sure...."

"Bill, I don't think they would be that stupid....."

The third paragraph starts with "the man" and I am not sure if that is the boss or the first guy. It could be either, if the first guy is security and is the worry wart. Or it could be the boss, I am not sure.

In the last paragraph above, the bald man approached his business partner. I don't know if the one he approaches is the boss / leader or one of the many that exited the car. Who is Mr. M? Where did he come from? We were not introduced to anyone with a suitcase / briefcase attached to him.

There are more areas such as this that could use some attention and once tightened up, it would carry the reader through your story much better.

*CheckV* Dialog:

There is a lot of dialog in this chapter and I think it propels the story forward well. Sometimes there is not enough dialog and I find myself skipping over paragraphs of descriptions to get to the meat of the story. That was not the case here.

The dialog seems a little mechanical in areas. For example, "What is the meaning of this?" felt like it would occur at a boardroom table, not a garage where someone just lost something important in a robbery. Should he have sworn? Yelled? "What the hell?" "You will pay for this..." Let us see his outrage, instead of telling us he is outraged.

In the same example from above, there are some dialog formatting issues. When I write using my phone, some low end apps tend to capitalize after a question mark in quotations. It does not occur on my laptop so I have to be mindful of the auto-capitalization.

“Are you sure this is a good idea? What if they take our money and kill us?” A man asked his boss.


The "A" should be lower case after the ending quote.

“..... are safety precautions to make sure he’s not ghosting a cyborg or android body.” The leader answered calmly.


In this sentence, there should be a comma after body and a lower case 'the'. It would read ".... or android body," the leader answered calmly.

“I trust you have the money, Mr. M?” Mr. M held up a suitcase with handcuffs attached to him and it.


In the sentence above, I do not know which character is speaking. There should usually be a dialog tag and a verb of the action (said, asked, etc) following so the reader is aware of the speaker. You can skip them if it is two people speaking back and forth with no other text and there is no confusion about the identity of the speakers. Some writers will skip the tag and verb and start a new sentence which identifies the speaker, such as "I trust you have the money, Mr. M?" Sammy eyed the briefcase attached to Mr. M's scrawny arm.

The second sentence above should be its own paragraph as the dialog belongs to a different person. I noticed that this occurs throughout the story.

If you have any questions about what I have written, please feel free to contact me. I will be happy to assist you in any way I can.

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

There are some grammar issues that need to be address, some of which I have stated above.

In the second paragraph, you have two sentences that start with the conjunction 'But'. While it is not incorrect, to start a sentence with a conjunction, you may want to look at it because of the repetition.

In that same paragraph, there are some sentences that sound odd to me. For example, consider the following:

But nothing worth killing each other here and now over. It was a mid term investment and if things worked out then he would be a very rich man and put his organization towards the top. But first he needed his product.


If I read those few sentences aloud, the "here and now over" sounds clunky. I try to read what I write aloud as the spoken word can alert you to areas that need to be addressed. Then there are two 'and's' in the next sentence. And then the second 'but' sentence.

There are some commas missing throughout the story. Here are a few examples for your consideration.

As soon as the crate was loaded and the doors to the van were closed the lights in the parking garage shut off. Shortly after the van holding the crate sped off. People from both parties opened fire on the van but of course it was bullet proof.


There should be a comma after 'closed' in the first sentence. I am not sure if you mean "Shortly thereafter, the van holding the crate sped off." or if this is just an incomplete sentence or it is meant to be attached to the following sentence.

Conclusions

This is a great story. I did go and read the other two chapters, by the way, as I was curious about what was in that case. You are off to a great start. Once there are some corrections made, as I stated before, you will have a much stronger story to build from. I hope that you continue writing this story. I will be eager to read the coming chapters.

Please don't feel discouraged by the length of this review. The suggestions are to improve the piece and your writing in general. I like getting reviews to let me know where I need to improve. It is all a part of our writing life.

If you would like me to re-review your story after you have made changes, let me know.

And as I noted previously, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this review.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


PS. I just thought about something. If the robot sees the first person and gets bonded to them, how come the goons were able to check the goods in the parking lot? Maybe the seller had to punch a code into the case?

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17
17
Review of Eventually  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, Sophy

It's been a pleasure to review your poem, "Eventually, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked

A man I knew, but not very well, passed away in a car accident yesterday. It was his birthday. It has been on my mind a lot in the last hours since I received the call telling me about his death. Then in my attempt to distract myself, I chose to work on a few reviews, which is how I encountered your poem via the Read and Review. The parallels are at opposite ends of the spectrum here, but the poem touched me, therefore I chose to review it, a bit for me and a bit for you.

My thoughts

*CheckV* Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:

Eventually is one of those poems, those of us that have experienced a significant loss, can certainly relate to. It speaks of the sharp edges of the pain that make it difficult to handle with only time capable of dulling the pain. Everyone tells us that it will get easier with time, but I believe the pain is the same, we just learn to manage it better.

I think you did a fine job with expressing your pain and I hope that in the 15 years since this was written, that the pain is manageable and that you can look back fondly on the good memories, as you stated. If not, I am sorry if this review has dredged up tender emotions. )O:

*CheckV* Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):

The piece appears to be written in free verse format without rhyme, but I am certainly no authority on poetry. Regardless of the format, I like this one as it does not seem to restrict your message.

I like the repetitive nature of the poem, despite some folks' comments to the contrary. I think it makes the piece feel familiar, like an old blanket.

There is one repetitive line that seems a bit off to me because of all the first line repetition and then this one right in the middle. The first and third stanzas both contain "each time I think of you".

*CheckV* Artistic Voice and Imagery:

What stands out to me is the "gut punch". I can see the grasping of the body and feel the punch myself. I can also imagine the guilt receding. That is a powerful image as well.

The first person voice is perfect for this piece. This allows the reader the most intimate perspective, as though it were their words, their experience.

*CheckV* Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:

I found no issues with the grammar or spelling.

Conclusions

Overall, I think this is a beautiful tribute to the loss of someone close and the growth of acceptance of that loss. It speaks a language most can relate to and easily conveys the message.

Thank you for sharing your poem.

Best wishes,

D


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Annie  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hello, carlton607

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "Annie , on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers

I hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I was definitely interested in what was going to happen in this unique story. I could feel a great deal of tension while reading your story. I felt for both Annie and her dog, Buster.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Plot:

This short story tells of a frail woman, Annie and her frightening experience during a storm. Her dog, Buster, is a comfort for her during this traumatic time. The story is of sufficient length to support this storyline.

*CheckV* Style/Voice:

I noticed there were a lot of flashbacks to the past in your story. Where sometimes these can be useful literary devices, I found them to be very distracting. I would pause and wonder why knitting socks or Buster's youth was included and how it advanced the story.

There are several similes that may need your attention. One makes reference to Annie being petrified which is applicable, but the simile refers to the petrified state of wood instead of her fear. Other references include such things as hearing a flash of thunder instead of hearing a crash of thunder and seeing a flash of lightning.

I would also like to suggest reading your story aloud. That seems to help me with making sure the words I use sound natural. Sometimes I will read right past a mistake but if I verbalize it, I will usually catch it or find the words I have omitted. For example, consider the following excerpt from your story:


Annie was frail. But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small. Annie worried about something. Her dog barked. Then suddenly her room was brightened by clashes of lightening that bit into her sole in a way that deeply gnawed at her and sobbed wailingly, the teardrops moistening her rosy cheeks and she worried about that time from long ago when it had happened.


"...in that dark and storm," appears to be missing a "y" on "storm" and perhaps "night" following "stormy", for "...in that dark and stormy night."

The word "waste" should be "waist", "clashes" should be "flashes" and "sole" should be "soul".

The last sentence in the above quote is a run on sentence with multiple thoughts going on. It would be best to break this sentence up into two sentences, or at least dispense with the flashback.

There are several more instances of these types of issues throughout your story.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The story takes place in Annie's bedroom and primarily with her on her bed. This is a very intimate setting and it allow the reader to focus on Annie and her plight. Having the dog wander off and sleep in the hallway was perfect. It made me feel like Annie felt abandoned in her time of need by having the dog just out of reach.

*CheckV* Characters:

There are two characters in this story. The main character, Annie, and her dog, Buster. We are offered an in-depth view of this woman's fear and ultimately her death.

*CheckV* Dialog:

There is limited dialog in the story which is perfect. There is only Annie and her dog, therefore there is not a lot of conversation required.

The first paragraph contains an outburst from Annie. It reads as follows:

It was a stormy and dark night and Annie screamed out loud. "Why?" screamed Annie?


The use of repetitive words should be limited, especially in the same paragraph. The "Why?" could have been included at the end of the sentence, such as follows:

It was a stormy and dark night and Annie screamed out, "Why?"

The question mark at the end of the sentence is not necessary as you included the question mark properly after the word "Why".

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

There are several other grammar issues aside from those noted above. An comprehensive edit should catch a good percentage of these issues and please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions this review.

Conclusions

This piece does need some work and I feel that it would be a stronger story once some of the issues I have noted have been addressed. Since this was written several years ago, it is a good time to dust it off and revisit it as time does give us some distance.

I noticed that you have had quite a few reviews on this piece. It might be useful to see if there are common points, such as the issue of the flashbacks, brought up in other reviews and tackle the most common issues.

Please don't feel discouraged by the length of this review. The suggestions are to improve the piece and your writing in general.

If you would like me to re-review your story after you have made changes, let me know.

And as I noted previously, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this review.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes, D



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Rated: E | (2.0)
Twin Nightmare,

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "The Mafia's New Bride, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I like that you are a young writer and you are putting your work out for review. That is great as you will have a lot of time to experiment and learn along the way.

I liked your story a lot. I was interested in what went on both before Chapter 3 and after.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Plot:

Given I am coming in on Chapter 3, I am limited to only this portion of the story. From that perspective, the story surrounds Carlos and his friends in high school. It appears that the main character is the son of a mafia boss. He has his eye on Genvieve and wants to make her his wife.

I am not sure if Genvieve is misspelled or if you intended for that spelling, but typically Genevieve has another "e" as noted.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story comes across as a good young adult novel. It does not feel forced or artificial.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

Chapter 3 takes place in a high school setting. This piece would be much stronger if the reader were provided with more information. For example, the first scene is as follows:

“Why you so caught up with that girl boss?” Kyle asked.
“She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. And she’ll be the next Mrs. Alejandro if I have anything to do with it.” I replied.
Chandler looked at me just like he has every time I talk about making Genvieve my wife. I’ve notice Genvieve for years now I know when she missed class and when she was thinking of something else. I know that she knows about my reputation but I did that just to get her attention. I need her to understand but I’m not going to force her into anything major. She has a choice of when we get married and have kids but everything else is my decision and when she understands that we’ll be fine.
“Kyle I need you to call the moving company and move all her things to my house, Chandler you get Gen a gift that will knock her socks off, Jalen buy her some new clothes and jewels. I want her to have the best.”
I walked into my next class and sat next to Gen.


The reader needs to see, feel, taste, smell and hear what is going on with these characters. All we are given here is Carlos' words and his walking to class.

Imagine yourself in Carlos' shoes. Would you be leaning against the locker? With one leg bent and your foot against the locker door? Would you be holding court on the front steps of the school or the steps inside the school? Or smoking in the back parking lot? Or are they in a sweaty gym locker room after basketball? Is Carlos looking down the hall for Gen over the shoulder of Kyle? What does Carlos look like? How is he dressed? What about his friends? Are their bangs in their eyes or are they clean cut? How do they dress? Is the hallway loud? Are the lockers defaced or smell of fresh green paint?

*CheckV* Characters:

Carlos is the main character and protagonist in this chapter. It appears that Gen is the antagonist.

There are three boys that appear as sidekicks but they are mostly invisible. Kyle has spoken once but we have no idea what he looks like or who he is. Is he a brother of Carlos, Gen, or just a friend? Chandler and Jalen are spoken to but are not introduced. We need to see these folks. Is Chandler agreeable to Carlos' instructions or irritated at being told to call a moving company?

Jalen is also an unknown entity. Does he complain that he always has the hard jobs, like shopping for a girl, rather than just making a call to a moving company? Do they have credit cards in Carlos' name or does Carlos slap a big wad of bills in their hands?

*CheckV* Dialog:

The dialog could use some improvement as most of the conversation exists almost as talking heads. We don't get any additional information other than the words they have spoken to each other. Let's take a look at a portion of your dialog.

“Go away.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want you sitting next to me.”
“Aww is that how you treat your future husband?”
“Yes because I didn’t want him to begin with.”
I grabbed her roughly and pulled her on my lap.
“Gen I don’t care if you don’t want me, you’re my wife and that’s final. By the end of the day you’ll be in my house and I want dinner on the table.” I hissed in her ear.
I went to slip my card in her pocket when I felt a bill in there. I held in front of her face in a questioning way.
“What’s this?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“My dinner now give it back and what do you mean by the end of the day I’ll be in your house?”
“I mean that you’re moving in with me.”
“No way in hell.”


There needs to be additional information to go along with the dialog. The above exchange again needs you to imagine being right there and then convey what goes on.

Does Gen turn her back to Carlos and roll her eyes at the girlfriends while he is talking?
Does Carlos pout or get mad when she says go away? We have no clues to know what is going on.
Is Gen still talking to Carlos with her back to him?
How does Carlos grab her roughly and drag her into his lap? Are they sitting in chairs or in desks or chairs with desks combo units?

I don't understand why he would slip a card in her pocket. What kind of card? A business card? A shirt pocket? A back pants pocket? Why would a high school kid want dinner on the table? If he is a mob boss' kid, don't they have a cook, a maid, a servant for that?
What is the "bill" in her pocket? How is it her dinner?

There are some dialog tags missing. Using the same example from above, the first line: "Go away." We have no idea who said this. We can guess, but as noted above, more information would show us what is going on.

"Go away," said Genevieve. She turned her back to Carlos and rolled her eyes for her two friends, Cindy and Marge, that were sitting nearby and watching.

"Why?" asked Carlos. He frowned and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Because I don't want you sitting next to me." Genevieve made another face for her girlfriends and jerked her shoulder out from under Carlos' hand.

"Awe. Is that how you treat your future husband?” asked Carlos as he touched her brown (green, yellow, or whatever color) hair.

“Yes, because I didn’t want him to begin with," said Genevieve. She grabbed her hair and pulled it over her shoulder to keep Carlos from touching it.

She stood up and I grabbed her roughly and pulled her onto my lap.

This addition allows us to see what is going on and gives us clues into what the characters are thinking by their actions.

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

As noted above, there are some dialog issues. The readability of the dialog improves if there are breaks between each character speaking as shown above.

There are other grammar issues, such as setting off a name or reference with commas, such as: “Why you so caught up with that girl boss?” Kyle asked. In this example, there should be a comma between girl and boss.

There are several other comma errors throughout the piece.

Conclusions

Overall, this story has a lot of potential. It will improve greatly with some edits and additions. I hope to find the prior and subsequent chapters in your port.

Don't feel discouraged by the length of this review. The suggestions are to improve the piece and your writing in general.

If you would like me to re-review your story after you have made changes, let me know.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this review.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes, D

20
20
Rated: E | (5.0)
Schnujo,

Thank you for sharing. It is very Dr. Suessish. I can see the pages of the children's book in my mind with pictures of the fluffy and pink unicorns.

Why aren't they fluffy, pink unicorns? LOL Winnie is going to get you with the ruler.

Well done and good luck in your competition.

D
21
21
Review of Con Artist  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Chris,

Hello! I found your Cramp piece in the Read and Review area. I liked it and thought I would offer my review. I am, by no means, an expert. I am just another writer. Please use what you can from this review and discard what does not work for you.

I know this is a Writer's Cramp entry, so very little time was spent and if you're like me, once it is submitted, the contest entry is nearly forgotten. You didn't include the prompt info, but that is okay.

The thing I liked most about your piece is that the tables were turned on your female character. She deserved to get caught.

I noticed a few missing commas or on the wrong side of the end quote, spacing, misspelling and capitalization errors. I highlighted the items below. Some of that definitely comes with the quick turnaround on these contests.

"Don't hesitate to app or mail me. I am closer than you expect me to be" replied the man on the other end of her chat.

She had been leading him on for months as part of an online love con. She knew no more about him than he did about her, but something told her that if she stuck with him long enough she could milk him for a lot of money. At first he had been very skeptical but she had managed to break down some of his defenses. It had taken several months but now she had him wrapped around her little finger. it was time to get down to business.

"I want to hold you" he told her. "When can you come to me?"

"I can come just as soon as i have my passport and airplane ticket", she replied. "I just have to come up the funds to get them. It's almost impossible for me to do so however. It would take more than I earn in two years. The only way i could do it is if you help me out. I know you will because you love me."

"Yes", he responded. "I'll do anything for you. Just keep me informed as I make the arrangements.Remember now, don't hesitate to app or mail me. I'm closer than you expect me to be."

The chat continued between them for some time. Later that day there was a knock at her door. When she answered it she was surprised to find him standing there.

"Tom"she said. "I'm surprised to see you. If you're hear you know I'm not who I told you I was. I can explain."

"I hope you can for your own sake", Tom answered. "You can explain it to the judge. By the way, I'm not who I said I was either. I'm Special Agent Frank Witters, Federal Bureau of Investigation Fraud Task Force. You're under arrest!"


Overall, it is a fun Cramp story.

Thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,

D
22
22
Review of Dog  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hello,

I happened upon your piece in the Read and Review area and thought I'd offer my review.

I'm not sure what I think about this piece. It seems a bit slanted toward the canines.

I was expecting a lot more from the description. Considerably more, I should say.

The overall descriptions are very vague and the story line is quite weak. I'm not sure what the theme could possibly be.

I'm sorry to say but this piece is quite a dog.

Good luck on your future writing endeavors.

Best wishes,

D

23
23
Rated: E | (4.0)
Harry,

Again I happened upon your poetry in the Read and Review area.

It was a delightful piece explaining why all of our "things" behave so unexpectedly.

Wow, I just noticed you created this 14 years ago and recently edited it. Cool. It's fun to look back at the craziness we penned so long ago.

Keep it up.

D


24
24
Review of The Beast Within  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello,

I happened upon your poem via the Read and Review section. I thought I'd offer my review but I am in no way an expert.

I enjoyed the poem. I think it does a good job of relating the beast's activities.

The only comment I have is the line "Maybe I’ll do only one more." feels more like drug use (do one more line, do one more injection) than "having" one more drink, being inclusive of alcohol. It's just semantics, but that's how it came off to me.

Thank you for sharing your work.

Best wishes,
D
25
25
Review of Aiden's Mammoth  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Mamaw Elaine,

I happened upon your writing via the Read and Review area. I liked your piece and thought I would offer my review. Of course, these opinions, thoughts and questions are mine and you are welcome to discard anything that doesn't work for you.

What I liked about your piece is that most children can imagine being drawn into a game, so there is a good chance a child would enjoy the story.

I have copied your story below and will comment inline. The red text are spacing and spelling issues, whereas the blue text is sentence structure or other issues.

It's so busy with my comments I'm not sure I've covered everything. If you would like, I'll rereview agree you have made changes. Just let me know.

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Scribe on,

D


Aiden was a small seven year old with brown hair and eyes.He was Quiet (lower case) and loved to play his games on his tablet.He (might want to change to plural as he has two tablets) was a loner that was so into his games that he lost his connection to the real world.He has two tablets oneto plug up while he played the other one (You might want to remove this line as you cover it in the next paragraph. This first paragraph should be a brief intro and the hook that draws your reader to want to continue on and see what happens next.).

One day (comma) he was very tired (possibly change the following and to when and incorporate the next sentence in. Show him shaking his head trying to stay awake instead of telling us he had to force himself to stay awake.) and he started playing his new game "Ice Age" on one (add tablet) while the other charged. Hplayed till (until) he was so tired (comma) he was dozing off between plays. He yawned and was having to force himself to stay awake.


Suddenly (comma) he jerked awake and sat up. He was in a wooded area and there were icee (icy) winds blowing around him. He got up and pulled a bag of M&Ms out of his pocket (It would make more sense for him to be cold and looking for shelter than eating a melted bag of M&Ms from his pocket.). He walked as he ate. He looked for his tablets but could find neither of them.feet and he saw the huge thorn stuck in the (oops) He looked every where and found nothing (new sentence) he kept wondering where he was and how he got there. Just as he gave up looking and was going to sit to rest his mind hit bottom cause he saw a huge hairy beast hiding in the trees.


He sneaked closer (comma. And he's not scared at all?) tiptoeing up to the beast.He saw that he only came to it's knees. He looked up into it's huge furry face.It had the softests wettest (Why address wettest eyes? Just let him find it crying.) eyes he had ever seen. There was water leaking from the corners of it's eyes. Aiden suddenly realized it was crying (new sentence) it was tears in it's eyes, thats why it's eyes were so soft and wet looking. He reached one small hand up to gently pet it's face, it lowered its face to his hand (here it appears the beast talks. Sentence needs to be rewritten.) and talked to it in a quiet voice, saying nonsense to it like (Why like? Why not just say those things?) "Don't worry I won't hurt you," and "your such a good boy." like his mother said to him when he had a boo-boo. Finally he saw the problem. It was limping (limping would infer walking and they are not walking. How about a front for e that it's holding up?) on it's back left leg. Aiden crept close to i'ts back foot and he saw the huge thorn stuck in the pad of it's toe. He petted and talked to it some more and quietly took hold of the thorn and jerked it out. He tore the sleeve from his white t-shirt and poured clean water from his water bottle hanging from hid belt loop (Why would he have water on his belt loop while sitting in the living room or his bedroom playing on his tablet? Best to find another source of water such as your river at the end.). He wiped the toe and (comma instead of two ands) wet the sleeve again and wrapped it around the poor creatures toe (toe in here twice, might want to rewrite this sentence).

The huge animalgrabbed him up with it's trunk and (comma instead of and set him on it's back and ran around the woods with him giggling and (another and. Break into two sentences so there are less ands or possibly change last and to while) holding on for dear life..(remove one period) They were friends from then on but the boy was stuck there in the game. They stayed in a cave by the riverthat Aiden decorated with drawings on the walls. They lived "HAPPILY EVER AFTER " (text does not need to be in caps or quotes. And why would a boy into his tablet and games suddenly be happy stick in prehistoric land, freezing cold with only a mammoth? That's what crossed my mind as a reader. Explain why or better yet, show why the child was happy where he is now stuck.)
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