I love the positivity and the message of this poem. It has a nice flow, too! The way it is titled introspection but seems to be largely about world at large is cool - it still qualifies, it's just introspection done right! Introspection is the quiet mulling on past observations, working out how the world works and your feelings about it.
My only thoughts for improving it would be to go back through and add periods. At least one after "hurt or deprecate." It is the end of that thought and reading it as a sentence into the next line is counter-productive. Probably another after "sleep" but that's less problematic.
A very good poem! I hope I get to read more of your work!
Write on!
-Mei.
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This is a very real-feeling journey for the girl growing up and becoming comfortable in her own skin. It communicates the need to contextualize her appearance; the journey from looking like a boy, to not being as pretty as other girls, to sharing traits with actors. It shows the effects of each observable aspect and the tendency to dwell on the negative when you're younger, still fighting to find your place in the world, then the positive when you're older. With time comes the ability to "see the forest through the trees"; eventually her reflection isn't an image, it's imbued with all of who she is.
Also, I like how the mirror doesn't change its message even though her reflection must change as she ages. She looks at it and tears herself down or builds herself up but it just plays on loop. It might be more powerful to make the mirror less biased, but as an inspirational piece it works perfectly as is.
Love the last line from the girl! Way to drive it home.
This is a beautiful piece. The point of view is a bit awkward but it works; it keeps you at arm's length but intimate in that allows glimpses of a secret world.
I like that he understands that her world is silent even if she's screaming. That's a powerful thought, and very true. Honestly, I have a very strong empathy for the young man and that's what drew me to this title. The collection of details interwoven with corresponding emotions is a great way of relating to both the young man and how he relates to his sister.
My only thoughts for correction are that the second to last paragraph isn't spaced from the preceding paragraph.
Congrats on sticking to your goals so far! It might seem like an easy thing to remember to do something you love to do every day, but there are times you forget. I know I have. Yes, I did read everything, (though in reverse order; I like reading all things chronologically) and it's nice reading about each specific thing you did that day. The diversity of outlets each given equal rank reminds me of my own diverse interests. It's good to see how other people balance out their passions.
This is a gripping piece. I like the brusque pace, but it could be meatier. Why are all the cells near Veidt empty? for instance. How did Veidt know the method the police would use to communicate- he must have instructed them to use a method Madison would understand and expect. Talbot is being played hard, here. What is his response to this? He hesitates to tell him her response - what is behind that hesitation? Does he tell Veidt what happened because he still needs the data recovered? Does he really trust he'd bring it back anyway? Veidt wouldn't be allowed access to a computer, would he? So, Talbot got the hard drive from Madison? or is Talbot in cahoots with Veidt and everything is a ploy so that Veidt returns a copy of the hard drive that has no incriminating backlash for Talbot? How did he pull this past his superiors?
Just letting you know - people who read this kind of thing expect the details to be flawless. They want to be taken by surprise but they want you to have everything thought out for them to discover. This is a good first draft, full of dramatic scenes; maybe just develop the backdrop and underlying relationships better, (The only clue that Talbot was Veidt's arresting officer comes from the context of the intro), it will enhance the drama and if you space it correctly it won't detract from the fast pace you've set here.
I love these characters! I'm hooked. I want to know more, but also this is perfect and doesn't need anything else to complete it (except maybe a bit more on who told them about parallel universes and how they came to believe in the very premise? Flesh them out a bit more in the context of the universe they are living in... Also, Milo's new girlfriend - it feels like a lie, but if it isn't, does he feel guilty about using her? does he just have infinite game, bouncing from one to the next - if so, why is he sputtering here with Maggie- how does he feel about the change?).
It is very evident from the tone of the whole poem that you are typically upbeat.
"life has been good ...many wonderful years...many more yet to live"
I don't think it needs any more of an introduction than the first stanza.
The set-up of the stanzas is nice and clear; the first introduces both life and death, the second is an argument for life, the third an argument for death and the fourth is the decision. The middle argument stanzas each end in a sentiment leaning the opposite way, which I think is cool.
Personal choices which I think detract from the poem are the use of a random number of commas instead of an ellipses (...) and capitalizing "Fade to Black" everywhere it appears in the poem. It's the title. We get it. It's an important phrase. You repeat it sufficiently that it doesn't need to pop out anymore.
Peevishness aside, it's a strong poem. It is as uplifting as it is dark and that's a fine line to walk. The title is the opposite of the message, which works. You walk in thinking one thing, but you walk out wiser. I like it when that happens.
Write on!
-Mei
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