I think you have a great dialog going here. The flow of the writing is sharp and concise. The paragraph in the middle seems a little choppy. I would also add some action to the dialog. The idea of them being idiots seems a little overdone/Redundant. Is there going to be a point where this makes more sense? Does it move the story along? Since I don't know where this scene is in relation to the story I find it hard to see a point to the conversation but I am sure there. is one.
What is the story about? Maybe have a little excerpt at the beginning to give us an intro to the storyline.
"After leaving the factory and Rachel, Kenny set off back to the town centre. It had not been good news, but he was not going to believe what he had been told until he had spoken to Judy. Hoping for the best, but feeling that if he found it to be true, it would destroy his relationship with Judy. He made his way to the Ring O'Bells and found Badger in there with Tommy." This paragraph needs a little tweek, doesn't make much sense.
Check spelling...idolizes.
Check POV jumping in paragraphs.
"Judy? I still find that really hard to believe. Are you sure?" Need a question mark after Judy, not comma.
Good job overall. A little choppy. Also have a few areas where I don't know who was talking. The British accent is different to read so I had a bit of an effort but not bad.
Just Keep Writing.
1.Watch your punctuation. Seems a bit choppy.
2. Spell checks would be helpful. (benind).
3. I like this description... "His boots thundered"
4. I know I do this too but I use the word AND a lot to "join" things together. Take a look.
5. Its a good story. I think it just needs a few tweeks. I would enjoy reading it again if you would like, after you are finished.
Here are a few things I found, they are a recommendation only. Hope it helps. BTW, I'm not an expert...by far. I love the concept of the story though.
1. "several doors and a floor away" seems somewhat awkward, took a minute to get meaning.
2. " Dr. Lamb exhaled taken back but not surprised" May consider a comma after exhaled. It seems choppy.
3. “Of course, I do…Not exactly, we never met,” he barked. “Hey babe…Lets do some business. How ‘about a cigarette? They don’t let me smoke in the hole…” May try a little description of his actions over his words. Too many words are making it confusing.
4. "I gave it to him on a Monday said don’t dent it and went to Syracuse New York…” Add comma after Monday and replace said with told.
5. THis paragraph is difficult to follow...a bit.
"Jessica de Rabbit, not a bad babe but she was drawn out to be that way…What a sorry story. If I feel sorry for anyone it’s her. Poor thing never stood a chance. I mean after what was done to her on the cutting room floor…Who wouldn’t be like that? She’s a onetime movie star who’s on the down and out. A real jinx though, Slim should’ve known that after what happened to her ex-whatever Rodger…And then Jessica says something like ‘Cheese it! It’s the fuzz!’ but before anything could happen I got four wolfhounds slamming me to the floor. They say I killed and ate the goose mentioned earlier. I tried to explain it to them but the pack scattered…Couldn’t get a corroboration for my alibi.”
6. Is this a different doctor with Big Bad? "Dr. Jill Elk told"
7. The 1st para in 3rd section is too "long"? Not sure if thats the right word. The para needs to be separated into parts of where the doc discusses owlf first. The BB talks about his changes...ect.
I really enjoyed it. It was a pleasure to read for the most past. I would just consider a few edits. I hope this helped.
I really like where you are going with this story but it seems a little to scattered and disjointed. Some of it is hard to follow and requires me to read it twice. I like what you are trying to get across, just try to smooth it out a bit. You are good at keeping the suspense up and going This story makes me want to read more. Thanks for the read. Hope this helps.
This story gives me an enormous sense of comfort and well being. It makes me go through the enotions of feeling alone at first but getting comfotable with the strength you gained since the divorce. It was well written and thought out. There were a few confusing points where you split words with a hyphen- I don't understand it's meaning if there is one. Thanks for the story.
This was a great, well written review on the Green Grocer. It certainly made me think more about what I can do for the enviroment simply by changing my habit. I hadn't ever thought about some of the issues you have brought up such as the cost to the sotre and for the clean up of the the bags. Thank you for the nudge in the right direction and I plan to change my ways to help our world be more green..
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