I am reviewing this piece for the "Invalid Item" . This is story written sort of like a riddle. It is well-written and nice imagery but I'm not sure it is the right piece for a riddle. It may be the head cold I am fighting but I couldn't quite wrap my head around it. I would like more clues so I don't have to work as hard to get to the story. I think this piece would work well in poetry form, with less words, and more direct. If you choose to revise this piece, I suggest trying it in shorter form, with more clues. I would like to see the revision, if you would like to share it with me. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I really enjoyed reading your story! This is a very unique way to view what we "humans" take as a common occurrence. What a great perspective to look at it from! I love the idea that you used squirrels as your narrator too. I didn't find any error in your story. The only thing that kind of tripped me up is the fact that the brothers Darrell and Darrell both have the same name. I can't really decide why that might be. So one suggestion might be to give a clue as to why their names are the same, or maybe even change the names just a smidge. Ultimately it's up to you, but I kept coming back to it, and it kind took my attention from the story itself.
I LOVE IT! As I was reading your absolutely wonderful lyrics-changed poem (I didn't know what else to call it).
My favorite line is:
Ask me if I give a damn and here is what I say,
Pass the bloody Geritol and give me one more day.
I was thinking about all of the people who I can't wait to share your poem with. I don't often have that thought as I'm reading poetry on here, not that it's not good, I'm just not usually moved to share it. But yours! Now that is a different story. Anyway, I absolutely love it, and welcome to the Over 40 group!
Wow! This is an incredibly powerful piece. It really draws attention to the misconception that money buys happiness, doesn't it? Money buys THINGS, not happiness. I've known plenty of people who had money and weren't happy. It's too bad too what they have to sacrifice for that bit of money when what they sacrifice could be the thing that would have made them happy. Anyway, I'm rambling but I really enjoyed the insight in reading your story. May all who read it learn from it!
This is a wonderful piece of work that really defines the way to forgiveness. The spiritual nature of this event is apparent, and it is an enjoyable experience to read about.
As far as your form, most of your poem is written in Iambic Pentameter so the few spots where the meter changes reads slightly awkwardly. In an effort to increase smoothness of the poem itself, I recommend rereading/possibly rewriting the following:
The effort of forgiveness
From which we’re disappearing
Is remarkable for its kindness, "is remarkable for" is u/u/s/u/u/u (rather than s/u/s/u/s/u), which would enhance the flow
That point of truth we’re fearing!
For love is coming, lest we deny "for love is coming lest we deny" seems to have one too many syllables, what if you used a one-syllable (s) word in place of deny. I think that would work well.
Our sisters and our brothers –
While needy children most require
Their mothers and their fathers. the rhyme would work better with "their fathers and their mothers"
Alienated by their youth, alienated is s/u/u/s/u and makes the flow awkward
A tragic, blatant call,
Crafted by God’s plan and truth,
And humbling to us all…
Ruthless sins, an alias,
A saintly love to martyr.
Those living on the precipice
Recall Jesus and the Father. "Recall "is two unstressed syllables at the beginning of the sentence and feels rushed in reading to get them both in. Is there a one syllable (s) word that you could substitute?
Inherent shame we give to Thee,
A loved one’s sacred prayer,
A collection, heard quite openly,
His mercy shan’t be rare!
I hope this helps you. Please remember my comments are simply my opinion, you are encouraged to freely change and revise as you feel comfortable.
Write on!
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This is a nice poem about those precious few times when we can let our mind wander and be free from life's daily routine. One thing I would like to offer as a suggestion is to add a little more to the fantasy. As a reader, I learn that you are going into the deep recesses of your mind, but then I have no idea what you find there, or what happens- what is it that causes the "rivers of anxiety"? I was left wanting more at the end, like I had missed something. I would like to experience for a minute what it is the writer/speaker felt.
This is my suggestion, but the poem is yours. Please do not feel obligated in any way to take my advice as this poem is your baby.
This is the start to a really deep heartfelt poem. I was distracted however, quite a bit in fact, with the spelling and typo errors. I suggest doing a good edit because it makes a big difference to a reader to be able to fully get the meaning of the poem and not have to read over so many errors. Here is your poem with the errors in bold: I want you in my life
I need you in my life.
I need you to help me breathe and survive.
Please O please come in my life delete extra space , come right back into my life.
Make me stronger once again.
Watch me grow up big and strong and make this sad song turn into a love song.
I need you in my life to complete me cause with out you I am apart.
Put me in the sky with you and the oter stars .
Maybeone day we will be face to face again (I suggest a period, comma, or semi-colon here) it may not be soon but one oneyou see.
It may not be fair butit will phappen and even thoug when yu left you broke me maybe when we have our encounter you can help make me.
Make me into the daughter that doesn't need you but the one that looks right pass you .
The one that looks pass you and see only an man (I suggest a period, comma, or semi-colon here) a man thats dead and gone (I suggest a comma here) a man tatdoesnt belong.
In addition, I think it would be more effective with the spaces between lines deleted. Single spaced, with a double space between stanzas will help pull it together.
Reading it out loud will help you hear the flow of it too. Keep writing, this poem will fix up nicely.
What great imagery this poem invokes! I can't even fathom what it would be like if the world ended, but yet you have described it amazingly. I also really like your title...in fact it is what first drew me into the poem. You have a great way of describing and drawing the reader into the heart of your piece. Keep up the good work.
This is really great! I enjoy your perspective on what makes women in history great. Do you think this is true for women today? I would like to know more about this, and how you came to write it down.
I do have one suggestion for your piece, I think you may have left a word out, please forgive me if it was intentional and I misspeak.
In the line but she must still sit the same throne with grace and poise might you have meant to put but she must still sitAT the same throne with grace and poise?
Hi Sora!
I had the honor of reading "Dreamless Sleep (working title)" today. It is with pleasure I submit to you this review. Please accept my comments as the opinion of an amateur writer and lover of literature only. With respect for you, the author, these are my thoughts:
First impressions:
This is a good first attempt! I can definitely see the emerging poet in you.
Suggestions:
I would like to see this poem worked through to add some length and content to the lines, especially:
Through the mist
my steed goes
You could add some imagery so the reader can really see what you are describing.
I also suggest trying, whenever possible to not start poetic lines with words such as: and, but, or, that, etc. They are space wasters in poetry (my opinion).
Regarding the last two lines ending with the word "sleep," this is redundant. What if you changed it to something like:
We shall rest in peace for we are in too deep
Forever lying silent in our undisturbed sleep
This is a wonderfully heartfelt and soulful pantoum poem. I am amazed at what you create. I realize we write about what we know but with you, it's obvious that you have really felt the experiences you write about. You have a way of bringing the reader right in there with you.
Suggestions: Honestly, there are no errors that I noticed. I would suggest maybe listing the poem type at the bottom (or top) or somewhere because it is a very difficult style to write in and I think you deserve kudos for following the format perfectly.
So you KEEP WRITING because you are doing an awesome job with this poetry thing.
This is a really deeply emotional piece of poetry. I'm sure many can relate to the feeling of being overcome by the "blackness." The only part that was a little bit confusing to me is at the beginning when it says, The blackness is coming
but not fast enough
Is the blackness = sleep? I thought of the blackness as depression but not sure why the speaker would be want it to come faster. I guess that part was just a little confusing.
Hello!
I am reviewing your entry for the May "Invalid Item" .
Impression:
Wow! What a great tale! I got goosebumps at the end, and started to feel emotional. This is the sign of a really good story (to me). I could really feel the love that Max had for his new momma.
Favorite Part:
Many years passed, and they were very pleasant, even though momma didn't find a mate to have puppies with like I thought she should.
How true, of course a dog would think his momma would have puppies...I had never even considered that. haha
Comments Suggestions:
In the beginning, I don't think it's necessary for Max to say, "I'm a dog" because in the next sentence he says, "When I was just a little pup, I was put into a shelter with all of my litter mates." I think it would be more effective if he just said, "My name is Max. And I have a story to tell you."
The other suggestion is that when you talk about sensory things, like the man who smelled like anger, I would like to have a point of reference, because I don't know what anger smells like, as a human. So for those types of references, I would like to be able to compare it with something I, as the reader, am familiar with.
Final Thoughts:
This is a great little story. I really enjoyed the read, and the goosebumps! Good luck in the contest, Write On!
Hello!
I am reviewing your entry for the May "Invalid Item" .
Impression:
Awww what a sweet love story. You really did a good job telling the story from the perspective of a fun loving and loyal puppy.
Favorite Part:
I nuzzled her wedge-heeled blue strappy sandals, I am a connoisseur of shoes, I am. A steady diet of sneakers was what I got, Joshua possessing nothing much else; this was heaven, a taste of tar, some cork and a hint of glue. Dee-lishus!
So cute, as only a dog can tell it.
Comments Suggestions:
First, the dog's name for the lady changes throughout the story from Angel to Angela back to Angel. This threw me a little.
The bolded words were distracting. I understand this was written on prompts for another contest and that's why the words are bolded, but for general reading of this story, I would like to see the bolded words un-bolded.
Final Thoughts:
Well done with your writing, good luck in the contest, Write On!
Hello!
I am reviewing your entry for the May "Invalid Item" .
Impression:
Awwww how cute! I love stories of puppy rescues. This story moved pretty fast but it has a sweet sentiment.
Favorite Part:
Comments Suggestions:
Inconsistency: at the beginning the pup is 5 months old, at the end she says she's full-grown. But she has only been telling the story for a few minutes. You might consider changing the beginning to say something like, "this happened when I was five months old."
Also, at the beginning you announce, basically, how the story ends. I would like it to be a little more mysterious and not know until the end if she actually successfully saves her mistress or not.
I think this is a great start and can really be developed into something exciting and action-packed! Good luck with it!
Final Thoughts:
Nice read, good luck in the contest, Write On!
Hello!
I am reviewing your entry for the May "Invalid Item" .
Impression:
Now that is one vengeful kitty!
Favorite Part:
Last time she caught me near the box, I pushed the button that opens it -- she sprayed me with water and yelled at me! You'd think I'd barfed a hairball on the middle of the table or something.
(Note to self: Barf up a hairball on the table.)
Sweet kitty revenge....haha
Comments Suggestions:
Does he/she get away with it? That's what I want to know. Would you consider developing the story with this being maybe the first "chapter" or section? This could really turn into an adventure.
Hello!
I am reviewing your entry for the May "Invalid Item" .
Impression:
I am so impressed with the way you changed between dialects based on the breed of the dog. This was very clever and well thought out. I really enjoyed reading this story.
Favorite Part:
This play on words:
"There's no bloody sense in insulting each other. After all, we've all got bones to pick, no need to dig up any old skeletons."
Comments Suggestions:
Spelling: "I'll insult anyone I chose!" ('chose' should be 'choose')
Plot: It seemed the resolution was too easy. One minute they were all bickering then after one phrase from the Blue Tick they are all settled. I would like to see this part developed a little further so it wasn't such an easy fix. (like in real life) Final Thoughts:
Nice entry, well done. Good luck in the contest, Write On!
Hi StaiNed-House Targaryen!
I had the honor of reading "A man on a mission. Another family event" today. It is with pleasure I submit to you this review. Please accept my comments as the opinion of an amateur writer and lover of literature only. With respect for you, the author, these are my thoughts:
First impressions:
This was a really cute story, and for some reason I got a smug sense of satisfaction from reading it...don't know what that's about. Anyway, I am reading while at work and had to try really hard to stifle a giggle that would be heard by everyone and I would have to explain what I was giggling about.
Suggestions:
I was just confused about one thing...had he left the car running and WALKED the five miles back to the house, in the storm? Then you both WALKED five miles back to the car with the coat hanger? I was trying to imagine how that must have been. If that is not the case, could you clarify that in the bolded paragraph?
Final comments:
This is just so comical. I would love to hear more!
I your writing!
Hi Lorenr!
I had the honor of reading "Guillain-Barre Syndrome 1984-1985" today. It is with pleasure I submit to you this review. Please accept my comments as the opinion of an amateur writer and lover of literature only. With respect for you, the author, these are my thoughts:
First impressions:
I was very touched by this story. I honestly knew nothing about this syndrome and was very enlightened by your story. Your writing flows and once I started reading I could not stop. I even read the Mayo Clinic bit at the end. I cannot imagine the pain and difficulty this caused for you, and so quickly! One minute you were fine, the next, paralyzed! I am so relieved that you were able to recover to the extent that you have.
Suggestions:
Keep writing! hehe Would you consider writing a sequel? I am curious what your life has been like since.
Do you have limitations that might not be there without the Guillain-Barre?
What sort of work do you do?
What social activities do you do/not do?
Do you have a family?
I think I would like to see "the rest of the story." What has life been like for you and how do you think it might have been different, if anything?
Final comments:
I loved the humor that you interjected throughout your piece. This is a very inspirational story to me.
I your writing!
Fabulous madlib Davy Kraken! I have done a few of these on this site and this is definitely the best yet. It is well organized, and easy to navigate. I did have to look up 'bare infinitive' however, which makes it even better, because I learned something today!
Hi Ruby Sparkles!
I had the honor of reading "The Boy" today. It is with pleasure I submit to you this review. Please accept my comments as the opinion of an amateur writer and lover of literature only. With respect for you, the author, these are my thoughts:
First impressions:
The Boy is such a sad story, but so typical of when a single mom gets a new boyfriend. I hope this story sends a message to any parents who read it to remember the needs of their children.
I like the way Torim's mind wanders during his own thought processes. It was very A.D.D. And I should know.
Suggestions:
I was surprised by the ending. Torim's statement “I wish I wasn’t here” caught me off guard. I realized then I wasn't in tune with Torim's emotions or feelings... and then I thought, his mom wasn't in tune, I wasn't in tune. Is this a convention you used to have the reader feel detached from Torim? If so, I think it might work but I still need to know a little more about his detachment. Show me more "stuff" that is going on in his life.
Final comments:
You do a great job creating imagery...I like your word choices and descriptions. Write on!
Hi slyman!
I had the honor of reading "Romantic Night" today. It is with pleasure I submit to you this review. Please accept my comments as the opinion of an amateur writer and lover of literature only. With respect for you, the author, these are my thoughts:
First impressions:
At first I thought, "this poem is kind of short" but then remembered the one I have in my port that is even shorter ...hehe. And really you say what you have to say, short and to the point. Suggestions:
First suggestion is to keep it in the same tense. You change from past tense to present in the middle of the poem. I felt slightly distracted by this shift.
Second, if you choose to make it any longer, I would like to experience more sensory imagery as I read it. I would like to feel what she feels and know why I feel that way. It would be cool to make the poem a little longer to allow the reader to engage on a more emotional level. Final comments:
This a nice poem that illustrates an obvious affection between two people, and the hopes that everything is going to be perfect that night.
Hi Rafe Graves!
I had the honor of reading "The Morrow" today. It is with pleasure I submit to you this review. Please accept my comments as the opinion of an amateur writer and lover of literature only. With respect for you, the author, these are my thoughts:
First impressions:
This is a very moving poem written from the perspective of an individual who is experiencing a sense of frustration or depression. You do a good job of making the point that we are all going to die and that is the one thing we fear the most.
Suggestions:
First I'll point out a couple of simple spelling/typo errors: that lies burried in our hearts:buried has one r the one thing thats sure:that's should have an apostrophe
Next, the meter is great throughout the whole poem with the exception of these suggestions for the following two lines: is not a life, but a fake:as I read it I wanted to drop the second "a" and read it as: is not a life, but fake for why we exist:and on this line I wanted to add a syllable, for example: for why we all exist
Final comments:
I like the rhyme and rhythm of this poem. And it makes me think about what my own purpose is. Instead of worrying so much about the future, I need to make better use of the present. Thank you for a heartfelt, moving, and inspirational poem.
Hi Hyperiongate!
I had the honor of reading "Men in Black" today. It is with pleasure I submit to you this review.
Please accept my comments as the opinion of an amateur writer and lover of literature only. With respect for you the author, these are my thoughts.
First impressions:
I am laughing...but then I'm like "wait, what just happened here?" So is the deal with the pen that they're going to test him to see if he's been drinking? Or to hypnotize him? Or something else I'm completely missing? BTW I don't watch or read science fiction, so if it has something to do with that, it's my ignorance. haha
Suggestions:
just a couple of spelling/typo things:
wacked his <had> a good one - should be 'hand', right?
his <gate> reminded the taller suit - should be 'gait'
Final comments:
This is a great contest entry, stays true to the prompts, and word count, and makes for a fun read (even if I do have to think harder than most) haha
I your writing!
~Natalie
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Hi ~WhoMe???~!
I had the honor of reading "Crimson Teardrops" today. It is with pleasure I submit to you this review.
Please accept my comments as the opinion of an amateur writer and lover of literature only. With respect for you, the author, these are my thoughts.
First impressions:
This is a poignant heartfelt poem that really makes the point - Do not harm children! The short lines give the feeling of no-nonsense, down-to-business, not-messing-around attitude, and I love it!
Suggestions:
My suggestion for your poem pertains more to your rhythm and cadence. I was flowing with the 4 syllable, 3 syllable, 4 syllable, 3 syllable meter. Then in line 8, which should have had 3 syllables, there were actually 4, so there are two 4-syllable lines in a row. This threw off the flow for me. I would like to see it worked so it follows the 4,3,4,3 throughout the whole poem.
That is my only suggestion. Other than that...it's perfect!
Final comments:
Good luck in the contest...it's a worthy entry!
I your writing!
As April is National Child Abuse Prevention month, this theme has been on my mind all month. I have a poem written in my port called "DON'T HURT" that you might be interested in, if this is a theme for you too.
All the best,
~Natalie
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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