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18 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by missourigirl
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I read your epilogue, and I have to say, I am intrigued! I was as curious as Jezebel to find out what was in that old geezers drawer! However, It looks like I am going to have to read Chapters 1-4 to find out what it is, or even to find out how Jezebel makes out! I could find no fault with your grammar. The flow was great. It was a wonderful epilogue. Would you please send me a link for the other chapters you have ready. So far, I could see myself purchasing this book based on what I have read. I hope this helps, as I don't really have any criticisms or suggestions, I just want to read more please!
2
2
Review by missourigirl
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Amyjo-Mashed Potato Lover (lol), congratulations on being in the showcase! I had already selected your story for review as part of a challenge to myself to review one item from everyone in my children's genre member's group, so here goes.

My overall impression was good. I am assuming the story is unfinished, because there is no climax or conclusion. I would like to read it when it is finished, as I am curious to the mystery.

Your voice, flow, and grammar are good. I did find a few grammar items which I will mention shortly. I would like to know more about the setting. I wasn't sure when this was taking place, I got the feeling it was either the Pioneer days or during the Great Depression. I like to visualize as I read, so the setting is important to me.

A note about the grammar issues I found: In the last paragraph, you say, "Little things seemed to go missing. A shirt off of the clothes line. A jar of fruit preserves. Little things that made Momma nervous." I don't think these should be separate sentences because, technically, the second and third ones aren't sentences, they are phrases. This may be a better way to write that, "Little things seemed to go missing: a shirt off of the clothes line, a jar of fruit preserves, little things that made Momma nervous." Then in the very last sentence of the story, you may want to remove the "and" behind bed and add another comma behind sister. That's all I have on grammar, and I know that was nit-pickey.

Overall, it was a great story. Great job! Keep on writing!
Missourigirl


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
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Review by missourigirl
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Sewcrazy, I found your story True Love in your portfolio. We are both members of the We Write For Kids group. The following is my review.

My overall impression is that you have some good bones for a story. I think as a short story, the way you have ended it now is fine.

If I understand it correctly, a summation of the story would be: He is drafted and then given orders to go to Korea. His orders are misplaced, and he is sent to New York City instead. There, he meets and falls in love with a young lady. He gets to know her, and finally asks her to marry him. As soon as he is discharged, he will take his new wife back to California with him.

What is missing from the summation is a conflict. Every story should have three parts; an introduction, a climax, and a resolution. Somewhere after the character, Lonnie in this case, is introduced, he should have to face some type of challenge, or he needs a problem to overcome. The climax, or highest point in the story, should be just before the solution to the problem or conflict is solved. From that point on, the focus of the story is to wind it down to an ending.

I think creating a conflict for Lonnie, such as a rival soldier at the club, will help round out your story.

The next thing I feel needs to be addressed is your confusion with present and past tense. Make sure you pick a style and stay with it.

Let me give you an example. You wrote, "He had butterflies inside as he combed his hair adding a dab of hair oil making sure it looks nice then before he walks out the door he splashes some Old Spice cologne all around his face and neck and he is good to go."

It seems to me, as I read through your story, that you have a preference for present tense, so I will change all of the tenses to present tense. I have also noted some other grammar errors within this sentence, which I will also correct for you. Please compare the before and after sentences to note the corrections. "He has butterflies inside as he combs his hair. He adds a dab of oil to his hair, making sure it looks nice, and before he walks out the door, he splashes some Old Spice cologne all around his face and neck. He is good to go!" Please note the commas, the new sentences, the punctuation changes, and the tense changes.

The final critique I will give you is over your grammar in general. Watch out for run-on sentences and don't forget to use commas. Keep your tenses the same.

Oh, I almost forgot. At first, I was going to call you out on Los Angeles being a country town, but my husband reminded me that in 1951, Los Angeles could very easily have been much more rural than it is now. So I will give you that. However, what I don't think would have popped up in casual conversation in 1951, was the subject of STDs. That came out of nowhere. Besides, why would Lonnie have wanted to go out with her if she had an STD? Maybe you could come up with another reason for her annullment.

Please keep in mind, these are only my opinions; feel free to take or leave my advice. I encourage you to think about what I have said and keep on improving!
Missourigirl


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review of Tree Top Hero  
Review by missourigirl
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi!
I found your story Tree Top Hero on the read and review section.
My overall impression of this story is mixed. It started off positive. He used superheroes not only to mitigate his loneliness, but also as positive role models. He sounds like such a nice young man, doing good deeds! He even grows into what sounds like a nice adult! But then he just casts those comics aside as if they are suddenly made of acid! He even chooses the villain! It’s almost as if something soured his worldview. I know life does have a way of doing that, LOL! But, the message does end positive. Maybe the transition between the mood in the middle and last paragraphs was too abrupt for me.
The setting was described well. It wasn’t overly detailed, but I was still able to picture it.
I do have some grammar suggestions. Your first sentence is too long. Maybe separate it after assemble. I will give you an example: From the depths of the oceans, the worst parts of the inner city, or from planets unknown, heroes assemble. The heroes have thousands of origins, scaling from radioactive contamination to mystical electrical storms. I also added a few commas . The sentence “The inspirations to volunteer…” needs a verb, maybe you could say, “They are the inspirations…”. “Sweet old ladies” need a possession apostrophe, i.e. “picking up sweet old ladies’ mail”. The first sentence in the last paragraph could use a comma after movie. The next sentence you forgot to add “in” after staying.
As far as suggestions go, just maybe not such an abrupt shift in mood. I understand the message you are conveying, you have to push yourself and not hide away, but it just seemed abrupt. Overall, you have good writing skills and express yourself well.
Please take my critiques as suggestions only. I try to do reviews as I would like to have them done, and I tend to be blunt. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story.
Write On! I hope this review helped!
Missourigirl
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Review of Fragmented Minds  
Review by missourigirl
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh I love it!
6
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Review by missourigirl
Rated: E | (2.5)
You have the bones of a really nice little short story here, but you need to check your grammar. Use commas to break sentences up or to emphasize a pause. Also when using your characters to speak, make sure that you identify who is speaking each time. Otherwise, the story becomes a little difficult to follow. You've made some spelling mistakes as well. One big spelling mistake that jumps out is in your title; "air loom" the way you are using it is really spelled heirloom. My apologies if you are using the word spelled that way on purpose. One question, I thought the main character gave the bracelet to the cancer patient. If so, won't it be the cancer patient who gets to be immortal? I felt like you meant for it to be the main character, but that is not how the story reads. Sorry if I have been too critical, but for me, grammar is very important. It is hard for me to read something for content if I am continually having to correct for mistakes that I see. You do have a good story. Just clean it up and do more edits!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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